by Guy Bass
“AAAAAAH!” screamed the pilot, diving out of the other side of the ’copter. Spynosaur climbed inside and grabbed the controls.
“How’s the cargo?” asked Amber, clambering up the skids and joining her dad inside the ’copter. She saw a large crate in the centre of the cargo bay. It was filled to the brim with a hundred identical black metal spheres.
“McGuffins! McGuffins galore!” Amber gasped, her eyes wide. “But which one is the super-secret weapon?”
“First the ‘anonymous’ tip-off and now this! It’s more of Ergo Ego’s gameplay,” snarled a frustrated Spynosaur. “But why would he—? Wait.”
Spynosaur squinted. Taped to the dashboard of the helicopter was a sealed letter, with “Spynosaur” written neatly upon the envelope.
“I know that handwriting…” he growled.
“What is it?” asked Amber.
Spynosaur tore open the letter and unfolded it.
“What’s he on about? What antidote?” said Amber.
Spynosaur’s lizard eyes narrowed. He held up the letter and sniffed it.
“It’s a poisoned-pen letter!” Spynosaur growled.
He scrunched the letter in his claw and looked at his ink-stained fingers. “The ink is a deadly neuro-toxin, absorbed through the skin. Ego … tricked us … again. Dia … bol … ical…”
“You all right, Dad? You look even greener than usual,” asked Amber.
Spynosaur shook his head as if trying to stay awake, beads of sweat appearing on his scaly brow.
“Antidote … inside … one of … McGuffins…” he gasped, tapping his Super Secret Spy Watch™ with a clawed finger. “Thirty … seconds … to live…”
“Thirty seconds?” Amber howled. Her father was already swaying woozily from side to side.
Amber raced over to the crate and grabbed one of the spheres. She gripped it in both hands and turned it. It opened with a POP! … but there was nothing inside.
“How do I know which one to choose?” yelled Amber, popping open sphere after sphere – but finding nothing inside. “Dad! How do I know?”
“S’all right…” slurred Spynosaur. “I have … a plan…”
“What plan?” screamed Amber. She turned to see her dad slump forward against the release lever for the cargo door.
VRRRR!
Amber let out a squeak as the helicopter’s cargo door swung open.
A second later she, Spynosaur and the crate of McGuffin spheres were sucked out into the air.
Amber found herself plummeting towards the desert alongside Spynosaur and a hundred black spheres, as the now pilot-less helicopter spiralled out of control above them.
“This is not ‘a plan’! This is just falling!” she screamed. She remembered her dad once telling her that the best thing to do when you only have seconds to live is to find a way not to die. That, or hug a loved one. With the ground rushing up to meet them, she decided to do both. She tucked in her arms and dived like an arrow towards the limp, spiralling body of her father. She darted past sphere after sphere, edging steadily closer until she was near enough to touch him. Then, in the split-second between being smacked by a flailing tail or a claw, she managed to grab her dad’s back and cling on for dear life.
“Dad!” Amber howled. “Find a way not to die!”
“Wuurrhh?” grunted Spynosaur, his eyes opening a crack and looking around. Then, with the last of his strength, Spynosaur pointed a claw towards one of the black spheres. “I … spy … that one…”
“That one? Why that one?” cried Amber as her dad passed out. Amber grunted in frustration. She gripped his shoulders and aimed them towards the sphere. By now the pyramids loomed large beneath them – the ground was fast approaching. Amber held her breath, guiding them expertly through the air. She stretched out a hand and grabbed the sphere. “Got it! Hang on, Dad!”
Amber twisted the sphere, which opened with a POP! Nestled inside was a small syringe of red liquid. Without thinking, she pulled it out and jabbed it hard into her dad’s scaly neck.
“Dad, I did it!” she said. “What now?”
Amber glanced over his shoulder. All she could see was the ground – they were moments from impact.
“Huh,” she muttered. “I guess we don’t get to save the world, after all.”
Amber hugged her dad close. Then she closed her eyes and waited for the end.
Then she waited a bit longer.
And a bit longer.
Then she opened her eyes.
“Whuh?” she exclaimed. She and her father were hovering, suspended, a few inches from the ground. Amber turned, looked up and saw the familiar shimmer of the almost-invisible Dino-soarer. It had them firmly caught in its gravity beam.
She turned and saw her dad pointing weakly at his Super Secret Spy Watch™.
“Told you … I had … a plan,” he muttered.
As the gravity beam deposited them gently on to the Egyptian sand, Spynosaur yawned as if waking up from a restorative nap.
“That antidote’s working a treat – nicely done, poppet,” he said, stretching out his arms and tail. “Between your quick-thinking and my activating the Dino-soarer’s autopilot with my Super Secret Spy Watch™, thus saving us from certain splat, I’d say we’re back on track.”
“What just happened?” said a flabbergasted Amber, looking around at the dozens of black spheres which were strewn across the desert. “There were a hundred fake McGuffins falling through the air – how could you have known which one contained the antidote?”
“It’s really very simple,” Spynosaur began. “You see, I— Wait.”
Something had caught Spynosaur’s eye. Amber followed her father’s gaze across the desert. Towering over the landscape lay the Great Sphinx, a statue of a vast stone lion with a woman’s head. It was bigger than any house Amber had ever seen. “Ego’s ‘anonymous’ tip-off said we had to solve the riddle of Ergo Ego’s secret weapon. In legend, the Great Sphinx posed a riddle to those who wished to enter the tomb.”
“It’s a clue!” declared Amber. “That’s where the real McGuffin is!”
“You see?” said Spynosaur with a smirk, “Sometimes the answer is staring you in the face … and sometimes it’s just lion there.”
Amber was about to groan, but her dad was already racing towards the Sphinx. Amber hurried after him. They darted between the Sphinx’s vast feet to a thick stone door beneath the statue’s huge chin. Spynosaur sized up the door, before heaving it open with his dino strength.
A luminous-green fog poured out from inside – it was thick and ice-cold and smelled oddly minty.
“What … what is it?” asked Amber, trying in vain to waft the fog away.
Spynosaur drew his pistol.
“Let’s find out, shall we?”
“I can’t see a thing in all this fog,” said Amber, following her dad inside the Sphinx.
“It’s a pea-souper all right – it’s even messing with my spy-sight,” confessed Spynosaur, trying to waft the green smoke away with his tail. “But whatever Ego’s hiding in here, I’m sure it’s nothing I haven’t … seen … before…”
Spynosaur ate his words even before they’d left his mouth. The fog suddenly cleared, and he and Amber found themselves not in the gloomy stone innards of the Great Sphinx, but in the middle of a vast, untamed wilderness. They were surrounded by a jungle of verdant vegetation. An endless lake stretched out before them. Thick clouds rolled in a blue sky. In the far distance, a volcano belched plumes of charcoal-black smoke into the air.
“Did – did we take a wrong turn?” gasped Amber, as an impossibly large dragonfly buzzed around her head. “Where are we?”
“Not where … when,” replied Spynosaur. He scooped Amber up in his claws and leaped clear as the shadow of a huge grey foot descended upon them, striking the ground with a ground-quaking THUD.
Amber looked up. “Dinosaur!” she gasped. A vast Brachiosaurus roamed across their path, its every footfall shaking the earth. Behind
them, a sail-backed, razor-toothed Dimetrodon sized up an armoured, spike-tailed Ankylosaurus. In the lake, a huge, finned Kronosaurus arched out of the water. And above them, a wide-winged Pterodactyl soared, hissing and screeching.
Amber rubbed her eyes. “Did – did we go back in time?” she whispered.
“Don’t be fooled, it’s just another mind game … literally,” replied Spynosaur, glancing around. “The fog we passed through must be some sort of diabolical, brain-bending chemical. We’re having a hallucination.”
“Do you like it? I made it for you!” said a familiar voice.
Spynosaur and Amber spun round. Looming over the thick jungle, ten times taller than any tree, was Ergo Ego. He pushed through the forest, trampling trees and casting his vast shadow over the spies. “I mean, who doesn’t love dinosaurs?”
“You can make us play your games, Ego, but you can’t make us play by your rules,” said Spynosaur. “I’m bringing you in – you and your McGuffin. And I’m going to do it in time to help Amber with her homework.”
“Da-ad,” groaned Amber.
“And you’ll be no closer to convincing P.O.I.S.O.N. to let you into their criminal club,” added Spynosaur with a growl.
“This is not about those stupid heads at P.O.I.S.O.N. letting me join their club!” Ego boomed, shaking the trees. “This is about being the most diabolical villain ever! This is about redefining what it means to be an evil mastermind! This is about proving to those stupid heads at P.O.I.S.O.N. that they should let me join their club!”
Spynosaur and Amber looked at each other and rolled their eyes.
“Wait! I mean… What I meant to say was… Shut up!” boomed Ego. He dabbed his brow with a polka-dot handkerchief and composed himself. “Very soon the forces of villainy will gather for the ultimate demonstration of my super-secret weapon. It’s going to be a special day, and I am afraid I simply cannot have you messing it up.”
“If it’s all the same with you, I prefer to keep death well and truly defied,” said Spynosaur, with a flash of sharp teeth.
“You will have to take it up with them!” cackled Ego as he began to fade. Amber and Spynosaur turned … and saw Ego’s illusory dinosaurs pacing towards them.
But this is just an illusion, they can’t hurt us … right?” said Amber, edging closer to her father.
“I’m afraid they can,” replied her dad. “Ego’s brain-fog has created a fully die-mensional illusion. Which means if we’re killed here … we die in the real world.”
“Great,” sighed Amber. Then she struck her most determined ninja stance and roared at the top of her voice. “Come and get it, you dumb dinos! I bet my dad could beat up your dads!”
With a cacophony of roars and shrieks, Ergo Ego’s army of dinosaurs stormed towards Spynosaur and Amber.
“These perils of prehistory won’t stop until we’re extinct. Move!” shouted Spynosaur as the armoured Ankylosaurus swung its wrecking-ball tail. While Amber threw herself to the ground, Spynosaur launched himself into the air on powerful legs. He landed on the Ankylosaurus’s back and clung on its rock-hard shell with his claws. The enraged Ankylosaurus swung its tail again, just as the Dimetrodon lunged. The Dimetrodon was struck on the head and fell back, reeling.
“How long until the brain-fog wears off?” asked Amber, skidding underneath a Diplodocus tail. “We can’t hold them off forev— AAH!”
Suddenly, Amber could see nothing but sky. The Pterodactyl had her in its claws.
“Amber! Hang on!” Spynosaur cried, watching the winged lizard carry his daughter into the air. He dived out of the way of the Dimetrodon’s snapping jaws, drawing his pistol mid-leap. He aimed and fired before he hit the ground.
“WHHARK!” screamed the Pterodactyl as the laser seared through its wing.
Amber felt her stomach lurch as the Pterodactyl released its grasp on her. She plummeted through the air towards the blue-green waters of the lake.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA–
“YAAAHahaha!” cried Amber, her scream turning to laughter as she and Spynosaur skyrocketed through the air over the heads of the deadly dinosaurs. Her dad spun in the air, putting himself between Amber and the ground.
THUDD.
“Dad…?” Amber groaned. Her father lay sprawled and winded. Amber’s head was spinning as she looked up to see the dinosaurs looming over them. They had her dad in their sights.
“Oi!” shouted Amber. She struggled to her feet, drenched and exhausted … and struck a pose so battle-ready that she even impressed herself. “If you want my dad, you’re going to have to go through me!”
“Spinning electric otter chocolate biscuit wheelbarrow attack!” Amber yelled, racing towards the dinosaurs and leaping feet first into the air.
“Amber, wait!” shouted Spynosaur.
As suddenly as they had appeared, the dinosaurs – and their strange prehistoric environment – vanished, to be replaced with the gloomy innards of the stone Sphinx.
Amber found herself flying straight towards a wall.
“Aaaa—”
THUMP.
“As I was trying to tell you, the effects of Ego’s brain-fog appear to have worn off,” said Spynosaur, getting to his feet.
“Thanks for the – ow – warning,” said Amber, lying splayed on the ground. “And now we’re back where we started.”
“Not quite,” said Spynosaur. He glanced around at the shadowy walls of the Sphinx. Time-bombs lined every surface, each one tick-tocking in unison.
“Are those…?” muttered Amber.
“They are indeed,” her father replied coolly. He grabbed Amber round the waist and ran towards the entrance faster than she’d ever seen him move. Amber found herself blinded by sunlight as they raced outside and then deafened by an almighty…
Spynosaur and Amber were flung through the air, before skidding and careening across the sand. Spynosaur threw himself on top of Amber as burning rubble rained down across the desert. After a moment they dared to look back – the Sphinx had been blown to smithereens.
“Awesome,” Amber said, watching plumes of black smoke billow into the air. “But M11’s not going to be happy…”
“She’ll forgive us,” said Spynosaur. “Because I now know the location of Ego’s meeting with P.O.I.S.O.N.”
“What? How?” Amber asked.
“It’s really very simple – the giant Ergo Ego we encountered in the brain-fog illusion wore a handkerchief covered in polka dots,” Spynosaur began. “The polka is the world’s eighth silliest dance. ‘Dancer’ is a reindeer that pulls a sleigh for Father Christmas, also known as Santa Claus. Claws are sharp. B sharp is the third least popular note in music. Music makes the world go round. Round and round we go. ‘Go’ is the opposite of ‘stop’. Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Two, three, four. Five is the number of times Ergo Ego has tried to kill me. Me, myself and I. Eyes are the windows to the soul. Seoul is the capital of South Korea. A career as a spy can be short-lived. Shorts are worn in summer. Summer follows spring. A spring is a metal coil that can be pressed or pulled but returns to its former shape when released. Release the hounds. Ain’t nothing but a hound dog. Dog day afternoon. ‘Noon’ is another word for midday. Day follows night. Sun follows moon. And, one year ago today, I was tied to a space rocket and fired into the moon by Ergo Ego.”
“So … the meeting’s on the moon?” suggested Amber.
“So the meeting’s in Ego’s secret island lair in the Bermuda Triangle!” said Spynosaur. “That’s where he’ll gather the members of P.O.I.S.O.N. to unveil the real McGuffin. It’s so obvious. Like he wanted us to know…”
“If you say so,” said Amber with a baffled shrug. “But wait a minute – the Department blew up Ego’s lair after he shot you into the moon. It’s nothing but smithereens! You can’t have a secret meeting in the middle of smithereens.”
“He’s there, I know it… But I’m still missing something,” Spynosaur snarled, tapping his Super Secret Spy Watch™ to acti
vate the Dino-soarer’s gravity beam. “Why all the red herrings and wild goose chases? What’s the point of it all? I’m starting to wonder if there even is a McGuffin… I’m starting to think we’re walking into a trap.”
The Dino-soarer had been in the air for almost an hour. Spynosaur had barely said a word since they left Egypt. He hadn’t even reported in to M11. He just sat in the pilot’s seat, staring out over the sky. Amber had never known him so quiet – he didn’t even make any bad puns. It was very unnerving.
I’m starting to think we’re walking into a trap.
Amber’s ears rang with her father’s words. Traps had never seemed to bother her dad in the past… But now it seemed like every time they worked out Ergo Ego’s next move, Ego was already one step ahead.
“Dad, it’s the Department 6 top-secret transmission channel!” said Amber.
Spynosaur let out a low growl. He narrowed his eyes and pressed a button on the control panel. M11’s flustered face appeared on screen.
“M11,” Spynosaur said. “It’s not a good time.”
“Not a good— Blast it to smithereens, Spynosaur, report!” barked M11. “We haven’t heard from you since you set off for Cairo. Did you blow up the pyramids? Please tell me you didn’t blow up the pyramids…”
“Nope! Just the Sphinx!” declared Amber from over her dad’s scaly shoulder.
“Just the Sphinx? You mean, just the immeasurably significant ancient historical monument?” howled M11. “This is why I have a stomach ulcer the size of a baby’s f ist, Spynosaur! Did you at least secure the McGuffin?”
“Even better!” Amber replied. “We know where Ergo Ego is planning to—”
“Nothing to report, M11,” interrupted Spynosaur, jabbing Amber with his tail. “Just more duff McGuffins and dead ends… The trail went cold in Egypt.”