“Yeah, Red, it is. No fuckin’ doubt.” Did she want him to touch her, too? It was smarter to just keep his hands to himself.
“I miss it.”
“What?”
“Being touched without it hurting.”
Jesus Christ! “Red—”
She kept talking. “I miss that connection between two people. Touch can be a form of communication. Good, bad, even indifferent.”
“Red...”
“But touch is important. So important. I saw it on a news segment once. Volunteers at a hospital holding preemies. It helps them. And I’m sure it helps the volunteers, too.”
“Red...”
She pressed her fingers over his lips to quiet his growing anxiety at her starting something he couldn’t finish. For her touch to cause a reaction that was way more than only communication.
He should get out of this bed right fucking now and head back to the couch. Fuck that, he needed to head out the door. To another fucking county, even another state.
But he couldn’t move, the fingers that had stopped him from talking now explored his face. They traced his furrowed brow, around his eyes, across his cheeks. They skimmed over the side of his head where his hair was trimmed shorter, over his ear, down his jawline and his beard to his chin. Down his nose, across his lips again, along his throat, over his pounding pulse line, his jumping Adam’s apple, the hollow of his neck. Landing on his chest which lifted and fell like he’d run a mile.
She lightly brushed over each of his nipples which were now beaded from not only her touch, but the goosebumps that had broken out everywhere.
He’d never been touched like this.
Not once.
Not in his whole fucking life.
Like he was breakable.
Or valuable.
Or... just because.
With his muscles tense, he blinked up at the ceiling, afraid to turn his head. Afraid of going face to face with her while she was still touching him.
She settled her palm over his heart. “Your heart is strong.”
It’s only function had ever been to keep the blood pumping through his body. Nothing else. Nothing more.
An organ that kept him alive.
But it was the blood rushing from his heart and down to somewhere he couldn’t control, filling his cock, making it hard, lifting the sheet slightly.
He would need to stop her before she got that far.
“You have a lot of tattoos.”
He couldn’t answer her. He couldn’t push any words out at all. He had somehow lost that capability.
“Right now, I can’t see them in the dark, but maybe you can explain what each one means one day.”
One day.
One day he could do that.
Right now he was struggling just to take his next breath.
With her hand still over his racing heart, she said, “In the meantime, tell me about this one. The angel wings over your heart. When I first saw it, I thought someone close to you had died. But then I noticed the script between the wings said ‘die free.’”
He closed his eyes as she circled that tattoo lightly with her fingertips. The ink he’d gotten a few years ago during one of his longer prison terms.
“Shouldn’t it say ‘live free?’”
For anyone not fucked up, it probably would. He wasn’t sure if he should share the meaning with her, but it wasn’t exactly a secret. “The sayin’s ‘live free or die,’ but spent more time livin’ in a cage than livin’ free, so when I die, I’ll be forever free.”
“Death frees us all.”
What the fuck was she doing to him? She was digging up pieces of him he thought long buried.
And there was no way she was aware she was doing that.
She slid her palm down his sternum and to his stomach, letting it lay there as it rose and fell with each quick breath.
He would have to stop her if she tried to go lower. If she got closer to his throbbing dick which was screaming for her soft touch.
He blew out a relieved, but ragged, breath when her hand moved higher again, back to his chest, where it settled.
“Now me,” she whispered.
What?
He had to say something now. He had to force the words from his throat. “No, Red.”
“Yes, please.”
“I can’t.”
“Is it because of... what happened to me? Because I’m... because of what’s growing inside me?”
“Fuck no. It has nothin’ to do with that.” Unlike some other men, pregnancy had never been a turn off for him. He hadn’t searched it out but he hadn’t turned it away, either.
“Then what?”
“You would’ve kept goin’, Red, would’ve figured out why.”
She got quiet for a minute, then said, “I miss intimacy.”
“Not your man for that, Red. Told you that.”
“Intimacy doesn’t have to be sex.”
“Know sex, baby, not intimacy. Had the first, never the second, so I can’t give you what I don’t know.”
“How do you know unless you try?”
“You’re askin’ too much.”
“Does intimacy scare you?”
“Does sex scare you?” He squeezed his eyes shut at that stupid goddamn question. Stupid fuck.
“Not normally,” she answered, unbothered by him being a complete motherfucking asshole.
He finally turned his head, and though his eyes had adjusted to the darkness, he couldn’t read her face or her eyes.
Only the tone of her voice when she said, “What they did... what he did wasn’t sex.”
He turned to his side and her hand fell off his chest to the bed between them. He reached out to brush a lock of her hair off her cheek, then slipped his fingers into the thick of it by her ear.
He shifted enough to press his lips to her forehead. He kept them there for a few breaths, then as he began to pull away, she wrapped her fingers around his jaw and pulled him back, pressing her lips to his.
She didn’t open her mouth and he didn’t fucking dare open his because she was playing with fire right now.
And it seared his gut and burned hot in his chest.
He stayed still, letting her keep their mouths together for as long as she wanted. Which wasn’t nearly long enough when she pulled away just slightly.
“Pot and alcohol.”
He licked his lips hoping to taste her but tasted what she mentioned instead. “Yeah, baby. Nothin’ new.”
“Is it the only way?”
“Along with the other thing we talked about, yeah, it helps.”
She grabbed his hand, pulled it from her hair and pressed the back of it to her lips. Then she turned it around and using her fingers to guide his, she drew them around her face just like she had done to him.
And when she got back to her mouth, she kissed the center of his palm before moving it to her throat.
He closed his eyes for a moment and remembered that bruise on her neck when he first found her. Where someone had squeezed her neck so hard it left a mark.
Even though it was now gone, he’d never forget it.
He brushed his thumb back and forth over her pulse. She said his heart was strong, but so was hers, and her neck was delicate as he stroked it. So easily crushed if someone wanted this woman to stop breathing.
Her hand remained pressed to his as he slid it down to the collar of his shirt she wore.
He was rock hard and knew this would never lead to sex but he wanted to touch her everywhere. He wanted to feel the warmth of her skin against him.
He cleared the rough from his throat to ask, “Want me to touch you?”
“Yes.”
“Where?”
Her breath caught. When she pushed herself up, she said, “Help me,” as she reached for the hem of his tee.
“Red. Again, not sure this is smart.” No, he was fucking sure it wasn’t.
“I trust you.”
But I don’t fuckin’
trust myself! screamed through his head.
She struggled to pull the shirt off but got it done without his help and tossed it to the floor. As she reached for the panties, he grabbed her hand. “No. Jesus fuck, no. Just don’t...”
She left them on and laid back down, once again facing him.
He was being tested and he was afraid he was going to fail.
And if he failed, that meant he failed her.
He studied her silhouette in the dark and just breathed.
He might not be able to only do what she wanted. It might just break him.
It might take that last thread of his sanity and snap it.
But before he even attempted to do what she asked, he needed to know...
He needed to know how long ago they touched her last, the last time they hurt her, the last time they “bred” her.
He needed to know how fresh any and all of that was in her mind.
He wasn’t sure how to ask it without taking her back to that place, without accidentally pushing her back into the thinking that the baby was just a seed someone planted inside her.
“Red, need to know what I’m dealin’ with here. Tryin’ to be careful. And not...”
“You don’t have to.”
Christ, it killed him when she gave up what she wanted too easily. He had seen flashes of her where she was a fighter. As fiery as her hair. But when she became submissive like that, it tore at him. Someone had done their best to beat that fight out of her.
“That ain’t it, baby. I wanna. Fuck, how I wanna. But... But I’m fuckin’ scared, Red. I’m fuckin’ scared. Don’t wanna do the wrong thing. Say the wrong thing. Break you more than you already are.”
“You won’t. It’s just a touch. That’s all.”
That wasn’t all. That wasn’t fucking it at all.
“I’ll be okay,” she assured him.
“You tell me if...”
“Yes.”
“Holdin’ you to that, baby. Just fuckin’ say the word and I’ll stop.”
She said nothing but grabbed his hand and placed it on her chest, above her tit and over her heart. “Okay.”
Okay.
Okay, he could do this.
His dick was throbbing, his heart was pounding. His mind was a goddamn tangled mess. But okay, yeah, he could do this.
He told her she could have whatever she wanted. And this was what she wanted.
A touch without pain.
A touch without worry.
A touch she could trust.
She wanted him to be that touch.
It might be the hardest motherfucking thing he did in his life. To touch her, to lay by her side and not to take her like he wanted to.
He was goddamn insane, that was what he was.
Because what Red wanted, he would make sure she got.
Chapter Fourteen
Autumn was surprised by the tremble of his fingers as his hand swept over her chest.
He was struggling. Struggling to remain gentle. Struggling to keep it just to a touch. She realized how hard it was for him. And she appreciated him all the more for trying.
But she needed this.
Oh, did she need this.
And she did trust him. Even if he didn’t think she should.
His fingers were warm and long, but the pads rough, as he explored her face again, then her bare shoulders, her arms, skipping everything below her breasts.
But she wanted him to touch her everywhere. That touch reminded her of what she could have again in the future.
A man in her life. A lover who appreciated her and didn’t hurt her.
A man who could fall in love with her, not simply use her as breeding stock. She was way more than a container to grow their seeds.
She refused to be reduced to that.
Tonight, she just needed that reminder. She just needed that connection. Even if it was only for a little while.
Good remained in the world. It hadn’t all disappeared in the months she was in that compound on that mountain. She could find it again. She simply needed to look for it once she made sure this baby was safe and cared for. Protected and loved.
She could start over and find herself once again after the baby was born. She’d disappear, let Sig get back to his life instead of being saddled with a woman who was pregnant from someone else.
Sig shifting to his knees jerked her out of her thoughts and the relaxed zone she had fallen into.
She didn’t know why she felt so safe with him. This tattooed biker who belonged to an MC. The party had been a bit wild. And while there had been some drugs and drinking, there had been no fighting or any violence. And, from what she could see, the women all encouraged the men when it came to the sex. Nobody was there against their will and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.
And if that was how they wanted to live their lives, who was she to judge?
None of it had bothered her.
Not until Sig approached that woman Billie.
She had studied their body language since she couldn’t hear their words.
She also noticed the change when the other man had approached them, putting his arm around Billie in a way which spoke volumes. Billie was his and Sig was to back off.
When Sig had stormed out, she had wanted to follow. But Stella stopped her and had Shady take her back upstairs, locking the door behind him. Once again, locking her in.
For her safety.
The whole time she had worried about Sig and couldn’t fall asleep until he returned.
But now, he was on his knees at her feet, rubbing them and running his hands up her calves, not going any higher than her knees. She groaned when he massaged her feet again for a few minutes and almost whimpered in protest when he stopped.
He moved to straddle her knees and he lightly touched her tight belly on both sides.
“Okay?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
He touched every inch of her stomach—where it housed a baby she couldn’t think of as her own—stopping right before he’d get to her aching breasts, her pebbled nipples.
This wasn’t supposed to be sexual, just simply touch.
A human connection.
“Red...”
She raised her gaze to him as he towered over her. “Yes.”
“Not sure how long I can do this.”
“You can stop if you need to.”
“Don’t wanna stop,” his voice cracked, “that’s the problem.”
She didn’t want him to stop, either. But his fear was also hers. Even though it had been at least six months since Vernon last touched her in that way, she didn’t trust her brain to separate what Sig wanted to do with what Vernon had done.
She didn’t want to go backward when she was already moving forward. She didn’t want Sig to feel guilty if he caused a reaction he really wouldn’t be the cause of. It would be her memory, not his actions. She didn’t want him to be hurt by her rejecting him if she needed him to stop.
Because she had no doubt he would stop if she asked.
Even so, she still needed his touch. It was another step forward.
And it gave her some hope that she’d find the woman she used to be.
“You want to have sex with me?” She found that hard to believe, not in the condition she was in, not after what she’d been through. Who would find any of that attractive?
“Baby, hard as a rock right now. I was before I even started touchin’ you. That’s a pretty fuckin’ clear answer to your question.”
“I don’t understand why.”
“Remember when you said you see me?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I see you, Red. The second you took my hand at the bottom of that fuckin’ mountain, I saw you. You’re a fuckin’ fighter. You weren’t givin’ up until you were free in one way or another. That right there, baby, is sexy as fuck. Right now, I can only guess what fuckin’ happened, but you didn’t let it break you completely. You did what you needed to do
to survive. Just like I do. I do what I need to do to get to the next day and the next. You did what you needed to do ‘til you got that chance to run. No matter what the fuck they did to you, you didn’t give the fuck up. You gave them the goddamn finger is what you did. By givin’ this kid up to the Brysons, and not lettin’ those motherfuckers have it, you’ll be doin’ it again. By livin’ a goddamn good life after this kid’s born, you’re givin’ it to them a third time. That right there turns me the fuck on. Everythin’ about you is sexy, Red. Every goddamn thing. You’re a fighter but you also got moments where you’re vulnerable. We all are. Every fuckin’ one of us. Some of us just try to hide it.”
Autumn swallowed, not expecting any of those words to come from him. He just said something that proved who he really was, too.
Maybe it was only to make her feel better, to help her feel like a woman again, instead of an object. But by doing so, he revealed more about himself than he knew. Something he probably never shared.
But he had with her.
“Can you kiss me?”
His head jerked back, and it took him a second to answer, “Yeah, baby, I can kiss you.”
“I can’t do anything more than that. I just don’t want... I’m afraid to go backward.”
“Won’t let you go backward.”
“But after that little speech, I need to kiss you.”
“Taste like pot and booze,” he reminded her needlessly.
She smiled even though he might not be able to see it. “That’s you.”
“Yeah, baby, that’s me. Will always be me. Can’t see that ever changin’.”
Was he warning her? She had already decided to leave after the baby was born, to no longer be his burden, to get back her own life, to not rely on anyone else. She also wanted to get as far away from the Shirleys as possible.
But right now, she had to get through the next eight weeks. She had plenty of time to make a plan. Luckily, every day her thoughts got clearer. And she remembered where she had been headed in life before she hit this huge speed bump. She needed to get back on that path.
He moved off her and to her side, helping her turn with a hand on her hip. And when they were face to face again, they stared at each other through the dark. “Gonna kiss you now.”
Blood & Bones: Sig (Blood Fury MC Book 2) Page 18