“We’re all hurting, you know,” he said. “Maybe you’re not the only one who needed help.”
Catalina snorted. “Yeah, like your friends had an intervention and told you how messed up you were.”
“They’re friends to both of us, Catalina.” She had no idea what they had said and did to him. They should have just filmed it for reality television. “And if it makes you feel better, I had Bonnie and Gillian showing up at the bakery all the time, checking in with me, saying that I looked like hell. I guess I’ve been taking it harder than I thought.”
Catalina bit her lip and tugged at the hair draped over her shoulder. “We’ve never been friends, you and me.” She gestured between them.
“We hung out some, but we aren’t close. So, yeah, I guess not. It’s never too late to start,” he said. He could do that. He could be her friend. He had to look after them for Hudson. That’s what Hudson would want.
He tapped a finger on the table. The lilies bounced in their jar. Tiny pink scars cut across his fingers; his hands were tough and ugly from burns from the bakery ovens. He placed them under the table quickly, hiding them from her view.
God, her eyes are beautiful.
“Friends. I guess,” she said.
*
She watched Evan’s hands as they quickly mixed cream cheese frosting for the carrot cake baking in the oven. He and Olivia were giggling uncontrollably as he put a small dollop of the frosting on the edge of her nose and urged her to try it off. The sunlight streaming through the kitchen window was also melting the snow in the yard quickly, leaving puddles around in the grass.
Olivia began twirling about in her favorite pink dress, and Evan danced around her in his blue gingham apron. He must have brought it from his home. Catalina was never a pro in the kitchen, but Evan was a natural.
Catalina noticed that when Olivia was away from his view, Evan’s face dropped. His smile disappeared and the muscles in his neck and shoulders tightened. The mask fell away.
When she met his blue eyes, she felt her face flush with embarrassment. She never realized he was so handsome. It had been a couple of years since she had seen him before the funeral. His shoulders were wider, his shirt stretched tight across his back. His jaw was sharper, drawn in to a tiny cleft in his chin. When he smiled, he had one dimple on his right cheek.
Catalina was sitting at the kitchen table, watching them from afar. There was noise in the house again. She wasn’t tucked away in her nest of blankets and wadded up tissues. She wasn’t in a medicated haze that kept her half sleeping all day. It was progress. But it wasn’t what it was before. It wasn’t the life she led with Hudson.
“Catalina, do you want to try?” Evan called to her and snapped her out of her daydreaming. He held out the spoon of cream cheese from across the room. His blue eyes bore holes into the side of her face. In the sunlight, the color of his eyes looked like a deep pool she could fall right into.
“Momma, it’s soooo good. Evan’s the best cook ever. Do you know that he cooks like this all the time? It’s his job,” Olivia said as she stole another dollop of frosting from the bowl.
“Hey, you! Save some frosting for the cake.” he scolded Olivia in a playful way. “So, do you want to try some? I have to have everyone’s opinion before it’s ready.”
“Sure, I’ll have some. Evan’s a baker, honey. He’s not a cook,” Catalina said as she reached over and put a tiny bit of frosting on her fingertip. When she quickly licked it off, it melted in her mouth. “Oh my gosh, this is the best frosting I’ve ever had.”
“Yes, it is, Momma! Evan’s the best. I told you!” Olivia said, smiling. “I love baking. I love cake. We never did this with Daddy.” Her eyes opened widely and she covered her mouth quickly with an open palm. “Oh no! I’m sorry, Momma. I wasn’t supposed to do that. I wasn’t supposed to talk about Daddy. I’m sorry.” She started to cry.
Catalina knelt down and took Olivia into her arms. Her own eyes were welling up with tears too. They hadn’t mentioned Hudson since the funeral. At least, Catalina wasn’t willing to talk about him to anyone. In the midst of her grief, she had forgotten about Olivia’s needs.
“Oh, it’s okay, baby. It’s okay.” She rubbed Olivia’s back as her daughter calmed down and stopped crying.
“I wasn’t supposed to talk about Daddy,” Olivia whispered in her ear. She squeezed Olivia tighter and then pulled away to meet her daughter’s eyes.
“Who told you that you weren’t supposed to talk about Daddy, sweetie?”
“Auntie said that you are very sad and you would talk about Daddy later. I didn’t want to make you sad again. We were having fun.”
“It’s okay to talk about Daddy. I do get sad sometimes, but it’s okay to be sad. It means we miss Daddy and love him, right?”
“Yes. I get sad too,” Olivia said.
Evan slid the carrot cake out of the oven and put it on the counter to cool. His back was turned to her and Olivia, but she could see the tension in his shoulders as he leaned on the counter. She thought she heard him sniffle. The sunlight faded out of the room as a cloud passed over the house.
“Evan and Daddy were very best friends. Maybe later Evan can tell us funny stories and we won’t be sad anymore. Okay?”
Olivia nodded and wiped at the tears on her plump cheeks.
“Here, give me a hug and we’ll feel better.” She pulled Olivia in for another hug. She leaned down and spoke into Olivia’s ear. “Maybe you should give Evan a hug too. He seems a little sad.” Olivia nodded. When Catalina let go, Olivia rushed over to cling to Evan’s leg. Her dark hair swung from side to side. “Evan, please don’t be sad. I’m sorry,” Olivia said softly.
“I’m okay. Thank you for the hug,” he said, playfully tugging on one of her braids. Olivia closed her big, gray eyes and squeezed him a little tighter.
After that, she ran off to watch TV for a while.
“Sorry about that,” Catalina said as she looked down at her feet.
“It’s not your fault. I understand. She misses him. You miss him,” Evan said. His white linen shirt stretched across his wide back and blond curls of his hair poked out around his ears.
Over the years he had widened out with muscles and now he had a deep, soothing voice, but she could still see the skinny kid that she first met in elementary school. Evan came into the school the same year her father died. She’d watched him sometimes, a pale kid with striking blond hair playing soccer on the playground, running around the schoolyard with Hudson and the other boys. Catalina stayed on the sidelines, kept to herself. Too sad, too busy taking care of Marie. She faded into nothing. She couldn’t remember smiling much those early years, when her own mother disappeared into her grief and depression.
One day, they had only enough bread in the cupboard for Catalina to make Marie a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. A measly lunch, but it was better than nothing. With no other food in the house, she didn’t have much choice. Marie tried to share the sandwich, but Catalina wasn’t about to take the food from her little sister. As a result, she was falling asleep in class. She had skipped dinner the night before, breakfast that morning and lunch as well. She sat in the cafeteria, staring at the wall. Hudson tried to talk to her. Their families were close, being neighbors and all. He tried to cheer her up by making funny faces, but Catalina’s stomach growled and her head pounded.
Later that day, Catalina found half of a cookie wrapped in a napkin in her desk. At first, she’d thought it was a cruel joke, a tease from a meaner kid. Bu, her hunger wasn’t as strong as her pride and she gobbled what was left of the cookie in one bite. The next morning, a warm blueberry muffin was waiting in her desk along with a couple of quarters. The day after, a big slice of sourdough bread and a dollar bill. The day after, it was a bagel with cream cheese frosting and a stack of dimes. Eventually, she and Marie would split the treat under the shady oak tree in front of the school. Catalina remembered laughing again, feeling alive again.
“It was yo
u,” she said.
“What?” Evan turned around. His eyebrows were pulled together in confusion.
“It was you. In school. You’re the one who left me the treats and the money in my desk.”
Evan’s face flushed from the tips of his ears and down his neck.
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” he said, taking his apron off and carefully laying it on the counter.
“The treats in my desk. You left them for me after my dad died. The cookies, the muffins, the bagels. It was you.”
Evan sighed. He drummed his fingertips on the countertop and looked up at the ceiling. Even from across the room, she could see the curve of his golden eyelashes.
“It was a long time ago, Catalina. We were kids.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe I didn’t realize it all these years. You were the baker’s kid. I should have figured it out.”
“I thought you did figure it out. You always ignored me. I figured I made you mad.”
“Those things saved me, truthfully. Mom was...gone in her own world. I had to take care of us, and those items helped feed both me and Marie.”
“I’m glad it helped. You didn’t seem so sad anymore.” Evan rapped his knuckles on the counter, biting his lower lip.
“It did help. Thank you. I’m sorry I never said it before.” She smiled at him.
The corner of his mouth tilted up into a grin. “You’re welcome.”
“How did you even get all those treats? Didn’t they miss them from the bakery?”
“Yeah. I got a few whippings when Mom found out, but I got better at sneaking them,” he said shyly.
“I’m sorry about that.” Catalina frowned, imagining a young Evan, with his crazy curly blond hair and big, blue eyes taking a beating for her. All so she could have an extra piece of bread, a cupcake on her birthday.
“Uh…don’t worry about my mom. It’s how she is. I’m fine. Really.” He turned toward the window. The shadow of sadness washed over his face quickly and was gone again. He put could put his feelings away in an instant. “You were Hudson’s friend. I wanted to help you.”
“So, did Hudson ask you?” Catalina knew better. Hudson was a proud man, probably was even more stubborn and prideful than her. He would have never asked Evan to help her.
“No. He didn’t have to. I already knew then that you were important to him.”
“You and Hudson were so close. Yet I have barely even spoken to you.”
“Yeah, I guess we haven’t talked much.” Evan grinned.
“I suppose that’s changing.”
“Definitely.”
*
Thankfully, she didn’t have to convince Evan not to stay the night. He left quickly after dinner but not before convincing Olivia that he would back to make brownies.
Catalina slept peacefully. No dreams. No sleeping pills. She drifted off to sleep with Olivia’s tiny and warm body pushed up against hers. It was the first time someone had slept in bed with her since Hudson’s accident, but she was happy to have her daughter curled up beside her. They held hands the whole night. Bonnie and baby Asa came over for pancake breakfast the next morning. Catalina managed to whip together some pancakes and eggs, even found some chocolate chips to melt on top of Olivia’s pancake.
“So, the house looks better,” Bonnie said eagerly, bouncing Asa on her knee.
“Yeah. Gil made sure I’m not living in filth.”
“I’m so glad to see you out and smiling,” Bonnie said. Asa reached out a chubby hand to catch a few strands of her long, red hair swaying off her shoulders.
Catalina scoffed. She didn’t feel like she was smiling, but she must have been all the same.
“How was Evan? I know you guys aren’t close.” Bonnie bent down her head to catch Catalina’s eyes.
“He was fine. It was a little weird. The guy hasn’t said more than two words to me my whole life and then he was in my kitchen making carrot cake with Olivia.”
“He baked? In your kitchen?” Bonnie laughed. Catalina wasn’t known for being the traditional housewife.
“He baked. He made Olivia laugh. It was good to have someone around, I guess.”
“See! We told you. It would be helpful. To be honest, we were as worried about him as we were you. He’s been really distant lately and thought it might be a ‘two birds, one stone’ kind of thing,” Bonnie said, kissing the top of Asa’s golden hair.
“Well, I haven’t been able to do much lately. The life insurance money and the money from selling the shop has let me stay home for now, which I’m really grateful for. I know Hudson wouldn’t be mad about selling the business since I sold it to his cousin and technically kept it in the family. I can’t…couldn’t think about taking over for him. I’d have no idea what I was doing.” Catalina sighed.
Bonnie reached over and patted Catalina’s hand. “Everything is taken care of. You and Olivia should focus on the future right now, working through what you need to work through. Don’t worry so much about it,” she said.
“Look, we should get the kids out of the house. Let’s go to the mall or the park or something. It will be good for Olivia and you.”
Catalina nodded, stirring the idea around in her head. It could be good. Get out of the house. That would show them that I’m okay. I don’t need them hanging around too much.
“Sure, Bon. I think that would be good.”
They rounded up Olivia and Asa. When they walked outside, the sunlight was so bright that Catalina had to shield her eyes. Her car was sitting unused in the driveway, next to Bonnie’s SUV. She took a ragged breath.
The burn scars on her neck and shoulders started to ache and itch. Olivia tugged at her hand and her mouth was moving, but Olivia’s voice sounded years away, like she was singing under water.
There was a terrible ringing in her ears and the back of her head ached like it had smacked against the pavement. Catalina could feel the flames licking at her skin. They were dancing across her bones. She smelled her own flesh burning and she couldn’t breathe. Her lungs kept trying to suck in air, but the smoke was too thick. She heard her own voice suddenly, yelling. “Hudson! No! No! Hudson!”
Catalina threw herself onto the sidewalk, digging her knees into the concrete. She scraped her palms by pushing them hard into the sidewalk. She was throwing her head back, trying to get away from the flames that felt so hot and so close.
Olivia started crying and somehow Catalina realized she wasn’t in the explosion. She wasn’t watching the crash. She had collapsed in her front driveway … and then everything went black.
CHAPTER FOUR
“It was too much, too soon. I told you. We shouldn’t have pushed her. She’s still processing.” Catalina could hear Bonnie whispering in the living room. There seemed to be a meeting of everyone she knew in her living room. Catalina hadn’t left the bedroom in a few days, maybe a week. She hadn’t kept track of how long she was sleeping, drifting in and out.
“Bonnie, you know we had to try. She was doing so much better after we started sitting with her. She was even playing with Olivia again.” Marie’s high-pitched, panicked voice drifted through the closed door.
“Maybe the car was the bad idea. She hasn’t been comfortable in a car since the funeral. It makes sense,” Gillian’s low voice chimed in.
It was the same old talk. You’re a mess, Catalina. Get it together, Cat.
She heard Gillian’s voice closer now.
“Girl. Don’t let this beat you. You didn’t survive that blast to die in your bedroom a few months later.”
Catalina stared at the cracks on the wall.
Sometime after the noise died out, she faded off to sleep.
She was walking through a field of long grass. There was a storm on the horizon, dark clouds gathering and flashes of lightning. Catalina could feel the breeze through her loose hair, flowing down her back. She was wearing a dark green dress, but she could feel the crunch of dried grass under her bare feet. The soil was cool and soft b
etween her toes. She was walking toward the storm, but the rolling black clouds overhead didn’t frighten her. She started whistling to herself.
She was alone in the field—considering the horizon all around her, she could imagine that she was all alone in the entire world. She took a deep breath in and could smell the rain on the air. The dark clouds rolled over and blocked out the sun. It was night in the middle of the day.
She brushed her fingers over the tops of the tall grass, swaying in the gusts of wind rocking them. She kept walking toward the darkest of the storm, the rain coming down in sheets in front of her, only about twenty feet away. Through the rain, she could see figures walking toward her. Two tall bodies of dark mass. She should be frightened, she should turn around and find shelter from the storm, find her home, her family.
She kept walking. Her family was better off without her. She was a burden. She wasn’t a wife anymore. She wasn’t a good mother anymore. She couldn’t pay the bills and couldn’t even ride in a car without freaking out. She needed to let the rain cleanse her. She needed to keep going into the darkness. “Hello? Who’s there?” she yelled out. The figures tilted their heads together in discussion. Catalina shielded her eyes from the rain, her hair stuck to her skin. She pushed it out of her face.
“I said, ‘Hello!’” The figures stopped walking toward her. They stood up straight and she ducked down as the rain came down harder. Her arms were goose bumped and the rain pelted her bare skin. “Hey! Answer me! Who are you? What do you want?”
The figures didn’t move, but the one on the right boomed out, “Turn back. Don’t come any farther.”
“Tell me who you are.” Catalina stopped moving forward.
“Turn back. You don’t belong here.” The rain didn’t let up.
“I have nowhere to go.”
She thought of her dirty house, the messy bedroom, the knots in her hair and how she let down her friends, her sister, her daughter.
“You belong with them.” One of the dark shadows raised a finger and pointed behind her. She looked but saw only more clouds and rain.
Recovery Road Page 3