Recovery Road

by Danielle Donaldson

  “No. I don’t smoke.” He shook his head slowly. “I came from the bar. You called and told me that you needed me to come over. I was worried so I drove over as soon as I could. You cursed at me a little bit, but I thought something was the matter.” His voice sounded worried still, even in the light of day.

  “You came from the bar? I might I remember that. You said that you only had one drink. I gave you a hard time about driving…” She closed her eyes tightly, remembering him blowing in through the door. He hadn’t knocked before walking in.

  He was wearing a black leather jacket; it fit him in the best of ways. Her mouth almost watered at the sight. His hair was swiped back away from his face, slicked down with something that made it shiny. She wanted to run her fingers through it. His eyes were dark and worried. He held onto her fingers tightly as she wavered on her feet. She giggled. She pulled her hair in front of her face. She was shy and blushing and hot.

  “Oh God. You tasted like whiskey…”

  And standing in her kitchen, she remembered. In the light of the morning, cartoon sing-a-long songs blaring from the next room, she remembered that she leaned over to him. She brushed her fingertips lightly under the hem of his shirt, tickling the warmth of the smooth skin of his hip. She tilted her head up and brushed her mouth against his.

  For a moment, he pulled her closer. His hand wrapped around the base of her neck and curled into her hair. He tasted like a whiskey sour. Sweet with a bite. His lips were so soft that she could collapse into them, fall asleep curled up in his mouth. His tongue was soft when it brushed against her bottom lip. Her belly burst into a fire that burned between her legs. Her fingers flexed against his hip. She gripped at his shoulder tightly, hanging on. Her feet lifted from the ground below her.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she said, looking around her kitchen. Her eyes were watering. “I didn’t mean… I mean, I was drunk. I shouldn’t have—” she stuttered.

  She couldn’t look directly at him. She tried her best to look anywhere except in his general direction: the ceiling, the dust on the top of the cabinets, a ring of coffee stuck on the countertop.

  He breathed out a long and slow breath.

  “I’m sorry. I know you were drunk. I didn’t mean—” he mumbled.

  In her memory, he was pushing her away suddenly, his eyes wide and wild. He untangled his hand from her hair before he coughed and turned away. Her body was cold without the heat of his skin under her fingertips. He apologized. He put his hand up to his mouth and touched his lips gently. He started to talk about Hudson. How he didn’t mean it.

  “Wait,” she stopped him. “I’m confused…” Was there more to the kiss? Did she remember correctly? He hadn’t stopped her. Not right away. He pulled her in. He gripped her tightly, and his body was strong under her touch. She felt on fire under his hands.

  She was getting flushed thinking about it. The nausea turned her stomach and maybe something else was aching there. Longing. Wanting. Desire. Things she hadn’t felt in so long. Her jeans were hot on her legs. The hairs on her arms stood up straight.

  Oh God, I wanna sleep with Evan. God. Damn. It.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Shit. Shit. Shit.

  Catalina was drunk when she called and when she kissed him. He knew she was drinking but he didn’t think that she would not remember any of it. He kissed his best friend’s wife and she barely remembered it. At least if she remembered, it wouldn’t be like he took advantage of her.

  At least her forgetting meant that it was easier to ignore.

  “You don’t have to apologize. It was my fault,” Evan said. “Let’s move on. If you end up remembering, forget it. I mean, I don’t think you want to remember puking your guts out in the bathroom. And I was leaving now anyway; I just wanted to make sure Olivia got something to eat and now that you are up, I have some errands to run,” he rambled and straightened his back. He tried to walk past Catalina, but she blocked his path.

  “Excuse me. I’ll be going. Again, I’m sorry. Forget it,” he said. His face felt like it was on fire. He would swear that his pale skin was inflamed. His eyes were dry and ached. Sleeping on the couch wasn’t incredibly comfortable, and knowing that Catalina was sleeping on the other side of her closed bedroom door hadn’t helped calm him.

  She didn’t move. She only looked at him. She stared at the bridge of his nose and into his eyes. He looked around her, not at her. Plenty of years in school together had prepped him for awkward moments like these.

  She closed her eyes briefly.

  “Cat.” Her name was merely a whisper on his lips; it tasted good on his tongue, but he couldn’t think that way even if she had kissed him and lit a fire in his heart all over again. “I have to go.”

  “No,” she said without opening her eyes. She swayed on her feet in a small circle. “No. Please don’t go.”

  “I have to go,” he repeated, staring at a spot on the wall behind her.

  “Please.” She bit her bottom lip, tugging at it between her teeth. “Don’t.”

  She was so close that he could see the rise and fall of her chest with every breath. Her skin was hot under her clothes. His body thrummed with vibration; he wanted her pressed against him again. He could have reached out and moved her. He could have taken her by the shoulders, lifted her, and set her out of his way, but he didn’t touch her. He couldn’t touch her. If he started, he couldn’t be sure he would be able to stop.

  “Cat. Don’t do this.” He took a step back, turned his head to the side. He shrugged his left shoulder up and rubbed the top of his head roughly with his hand.

  “I’m not doing anything,” she said flatly.

  He wanted her lips on his again, wanted to savor the vanilla and coconut that he tasted the night before.

  “Catalina. Please move out of my way. Please let me go.” He started to raise his voice. It came out like a whine.

  “Keep your voice down. I don’t want to worry Olivia,” she said, furtively looking toward the living room. Olivia giggled at something on the television. Evan could hear her slurping at her chocolate milk.

  “Talk to me,” Catalina said, bending her shoulders to try to meet his gaze.

  He glanced at her quickly from the corner of his eye. He quirked one eyebrow up and flexed his jaw. Don’t touch her. Forget about that kiss. It was a stupid idea all together.

  “There’s nothing to talk about. Like I said, it never happened. Nothing happened,” he stuttered out.

  “Something happened, Evan,” she said.

  Yeah. I fucked up. That’s what happened. I let you in a little too close. I let myself get weak. I should have been more vigilant but you have a way of getting under my skin.

  He put his hands on his head and interlaced his fingers on the top of his hair. He looked at her full on then. He twisted his mouth up. He needed to get out of this house. He couldn’t be near her anymore.

  “I understand how you get lonely. I get lonely, too, sometimes, but like I told you last night, you’re Hudson’s wife. I can’t…you can’t…you know that.” The air was taken out of the room with his words. He could hear the blood pounding in his ears. Catalina was Hudson’s wife. He needed to remember that.

  “Hudson isn’t here, Evan. I’m here. I’m not his wife,” she said quietly and gritted her teeth together.

  “I know that, Cat.” He squinted his eyes closed. “But he’s still all around here. I wish you could see it.” If he closed his eyes, maybe he would wake up and this would be an odd nightmare or dream. He rubbed at his jaw. A light stubble was already forming on his chin, and his neck ached from sleeping on the couch. He rolled his head, stretching the muscles.

  “I should have known better,” Cat said. “For the longest time, you couldn’t even make eye contact with me and now, we’re back there. I should have known better than to think things could change.”

  Both of their heads snapped up at the sound of the front door opening.

  “Hello? Hey, baby!”
Marie’s voice booming from the front door made them jump. He turned and placed his hands on the counter top.

  “Auntie! Mommy! Auntie’s here,” Olivia called out.

  Marie turned the corner into the kitchen and almost ran into Catalina, who stood in the doorway.

  “Oh! Sorry, Cat,” Marie said. “I got…some…groceries.” Her voice faded.

  “What’s happening here?” she asked as she pushed her way past Catalina and placed the plastic bags in her hands on the counter. She looked expectedly from him to Catalina. Evan stared at the counter in front of him. Catalina stared at his profile.

  Marie had helped cut the tension. He could escape now. He could hold back.

  “Nothing. I was just going. Good to see you, Marie,” he said over his shoulder as he breezed by Catalina. She followed him with her eyes, but she didn’t follow him as he quickly said goodbye to Olivia and rushed out the front door.

  *

  “What was that about?” Marie asked as she moved to put a milk gallon in the refrigerator.

  “Nothing.” Catalina dragged her fingers over the tops of her lips. They felt a little swollen, but she knew it was the memory of Evan’s kiss.

  “Don’t play with me. Something is weird here.” Marie talked with her hands. She moved them wildly in front of her. “What’s up with you and Evan? Are you not playing nicely together?”

  Catalina started to say something but rubbed her eyes instead. She groaned through her teeth.

  “Jeez, Cat. What’s up? Are you okay?” Marie’s voice turned motherly. She dropped a box of cereal on the counter and rushed to grasp Catalina by the elbows, studying her face.

  “Yeah. I’m fine. Some stuff…I can’t even think about it right now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I had a few drinks last night. I guess I called Evan in the middle of the night, and he thought something was wrong so he came over. I think I made him leave a date or something.”

  “Oh. Okay. He seemed a little tense. I’m sure he’ll get over it. Obviously, you and Liv are okay. Are you hung over?” Marie asked, pouring some water for Catalina from the tap.

  “Yeah. Thanks. Aspirin would be nice too. I think I’m going to veg on the couch today.”

  “Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe we could do a girl’s day. I can paint your nails and braid your hair like old times,” Marie said with a small smile.

  “I’d like that. I’m sure Olivia would too.”

  Catalina watched as snow dripped off the tree branch outside the kitchen window.

  It wasn’t so long ago that it was pouring down rain when they buried Hudson. Winter wasn’t even over yet. The snow hadn’t thawed. It still laid murky and gray in the street gutters. The cold still bit at her nose when she ventured outside.

  “So, how are things with Evan?” Marie asked and shook Catalina from her thinking.

  What was she supposed to say? That she’d kissed her dead husband’s best friend? That for a moment, she had forgotten all about Hudson, his death, her love for him? That someone had lit a fire in her? Evan made her feel like she hadn’t in such a long time. She couldn’t tell her sister that.

  She couldn’t tell anyone that.

  CHAPTER TEN

  His phone vibrated on the nightstand for the third time, jarring him from sleep. The blackout curtains in his room made it so he wasn’t aware of what time of day or night it was without a clock.

  “Shit!” he hissed into the empty room when his knuckles rapped on the wood. He slammed his hand on top of the phone.

  “Hello?” He grit his teeth but didn’t pick his head up from the pillow or squint at the screen to see who was calling.

  “Oh. I’m sorry, Evan. I didn’t realize you were sleeping. I’ll call you later. I’m sorry,” Catalina said on the other end of the line.

  Evan sat up in bed quickly, letting the blankets fall from his body. He rubbed at his eyes and looked at the clock across the room. His eyes couldn’t focus and the red numbers were blurred together.

  “Uh, it’s okay. What time is it?”

  “It’s four o’clock. Uh, at night.”

  “I was napping. Baker’s hours and all that. It’s okay. What’s up?” Evan licked his dry lips and tried to find the bottle of water on his nightstand in the dark. He took big gulps of water, soothing his dry mouth and throat.

  “I’m sorry for bothering you, really. I just had a favor to ask you, and I didn’t know…I didn’t know when I’d have the chance to ask.”

  At least she’s sober this time. Bet she isn’t going to ask me to come over and kiss her again.

  “A favor? Sure thing.”

  “It’s not for me. So don’t worry.” Catalina cleared her throat. “It’s for Olivia.”

  “Okay. Of course. Does she want more cookies? Because I told her last time—”

  “No. No more cookies. At least, not for now.” Catalina took her mouth away from the phone for a second, but he could hear her talk to Olivia. “Yes, honey. He’ll bring cookies but not right now. Alright. I’m asking him about the thing for school.”

  Evan chuckled to himself.

  “So, it’s for Olivia’s school?”

  “Yeah. It’s a career night thing where an adult has to come talk to the kids about what they do for a job. Olivia has requested your assistance. I guess account transfers and check deposits aren’t exciting for kindergarteners. She said, and I quote, ‘Cake and cookies are just way more awesome, Momma.’”

  “Talking in front of a bunch of little kids makes me a little nervous, to be honest.”

  He started getting sweaty just thinking about it. Kids were great and he loved Olivia, but twenty five-year-olds sounded daunting.

  “If it makes you feel better, I’m sure you’ll be a big hit if you bring in some of those sugar cookies that you make so well.”

  “Are you buttering me up, Cat?”

  “Ha! Well, maybe. But Olivia would really love it if you helped. Obviously, parents usually do this thing, so I understand if it makes you uncomfortable…”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I’m not uncomfortable. I’m here to help out in anyway I can.”

  “Okay, thanks. I know it’s a weird thing to ask.”

  “No problem at all.”

  There was a silence between them. Evan rubbed at his chin and looked at the dark bedroom around him. His tiny one-bedroom apartment felt extra lonely with Catalina on the phone. He could hear Olivia playing in the background.

  “You know…I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. Ya know, about the other night.”

  “Don’t worry about it. It’s over.” He sighed. They were never going to escape the other night. He was never going to forget the taste of her mouth or the way her body felt pushed up against his. The sound of her voice as she asked him to come over, and the rush in his heart when he saw her in her thin nightclothes and hooded eyes.

  “Yeah. I don’t want it be, like, a thing between us. I just want to move on and forget it.”

  “That’s a good idea. Just forget it. Never happened.” His mouth said the words, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to forget. The image was too burned into his brain, the feelings still rushing through his veins.

  Catalina cleared her throat. “Good. That’s cleared up. We’re still on for tomorrow, right? You’re coming by the bank and applying for the loan?”

  “Yeah. I guess everything is in order, and I don’t really have a reason not to.” Except the crippling self-doubt and fear of failure.

  “I know you’re worried, but you don’t have to be. What’s the worst that could happen?”

  They could laugh in my face. I could get turned down. I show up naked and my mom is there for some unknown reason. Just your basic nightmare fuel.

  “I’ll be there. Don’t worry. Thank you for getting me a meeting with your boss.”

  “No worries. Thanks for everything.”

  They hung up and Evan laid back in bed, trying to relax and go back to sleep. It w
asn’t working. His thoughts bounced from the kiss with Catalina, which made him cringe in embarrassment and flush with excitement at the same time, to the bank meeting to the idea of presenting his career to a bunch of little kids.

  He sighed and headed to his little kitchen. If he wasn’t going to sleep, he might as well be productive.

  *

  Evan was jittery when he walked into the bank. Even across the expanse of the lobby, she could see him wring his hands and run his fingers through his hair. It was smoothed back when he walked in, but by the time she walked over to greet him, it was its usual unruly mess of curls.

  “Hey, you look nice.”

  He straightened his tie. “You think so? I don’t wear suits a lot. I had to look online to see how to tie this thing.”

  “You look great. Just chill out. It will be okay.” Catalina smoothed out his suit lapels and brushed off his shoulders. The expanse of his chest was firm beneath her hands, and she cleared her throat in an effort to shake the thoughts from her mind.

  “I know. I’m calm. I mean, I’m trying to be calm.”

  “Look, my boss is a really great guy. I’ve already told him all about your work and your plans. He just needs to see the paperwork and we can move forward. I’m sure that everything will be fine.”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t told my parents, and I’m sure they are going to be super pissed when they find out I’m trying to leave the business. They have already told me that they expect me to take over when they retire, and they won’t be supportive of all this. Even if I get the loan, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to make it. Maybe this was a dumb idea. I shouldn’t be here.”

  Evan paced around the small lobby outside of the manager’s office. They spoke in light whispers so the man wouldn’t hear them through the door.

  “Don’t be silly. You’re an amazing baker. I know you can do it. You have a business plan; you know exactly what to do and who your customers will be. It won’t be easy, but you can do it.”