by Leslie North
Sure, the idea of working with Connie on a fulltime basis supplying treats was terrifying because it meant she would be staying, but now that she allowed herself to think of the possibility, she couldn’t really imagine leaving again. When she closed her eyes now, it wasn’t the city she saw calling to her. She saw Andy, his sweet, hopeful face and his joy over their joint love of cooking. And she saw Ian. She saw Ian and her heart jumped all the way to the top of her throat.
It was the thought of seeing the two of them that had her running instead of walking through the front door. She was practically bursting with her news along with a nervous anticipation of what Ian’s reaction would be. She barreled into the living room, expecting to find Ian and Andy waiting for her with the copy of Harry Potter ready to go. When she saw Ian sitting alone on the couch, everything about his body language full of tension, she stopped short.
“Ian?” she asked, suddenly feeling nervous. When he didn’t answer, didn’t even turn around, she kept on going. “Hey, where’s Andy? I’ve got some news.”
“He’s asleep, Katie. It’s getting pretty damn late, or haven’t you noticed? It’s a good thing he’s in bed, too. I don’t want him to be here for this.” His voice wasn’t even angry, just flat. And for the first time she felt a real burst of dread.
“You don’t want him to be here for what, Ian? What’s happened?”
“Why don’t you tell me, Katie? You’re the one who’s been keeping things secret.”
“I…don’t understand. I was going to tell you about the bakery. I took the baked goods like I was supposed to and they offered me something. They—”
“Yes, I know what they offered you. But you couldn’t stop the rest of the shit. I guess I should have known better. You didn’t want to come to this town to begin with.”
“Okay, right, but that was before. Things have changed.”
“It’s not like any of this was your first choice,” Ian continued as if he hadn’t heard a word she’d said. “You were stuck here. Stuck and making the best of it.”
“You’re right,” she answered, trying to keep the tears that suddenly threatened from falling down her face, “I was. At the beginning. Things changed, like I said. Surely you can see that, can’t you? After everything that’s happened?”
“I did see something. I turned on the television, and I saw something I wish I hadn’t seen.”
“I don’t know what that means,” she shouted, her fear and confusion finally bubbling over. She waited for some kind of reaction, but there was nothing but that same flat expression. He was shut down all over again, and something told her that this time, there was nothing she would be able to do to open him back up again.
“Your plan to keep your new internet personality to yourself failed, Katie. Your picture is splashed all over the news again. And there’s a whole lot of speculation going on about the inspiration for all of your new, fancy, healthy recipes. People wanting to get to the bottom of things.”
“Oh,” she said stupidly, her skin going suddenly cold, “oh, God. Ian—”
“Did you think about that part, Katie? That they would want to know what you’ve been up to? That if you gave them an inch, they’d stick their noses right back into your life? Into our lives?”
“Ian, please, that’s not fair,” she argued pitifully, painfully.
“You’re right. It’s definitely not fair. That’s why I think it’s best.”
“Best?”
“For you to go. You were always going to make your way back to whichever big city you decide to land in next. So go ahead and go. I’ll make an excuse to Andy in the morning.”
“That is so, so unfair,” she whispered. Except that part of her wasn’t entirely sure that he was wrong. She hadn’t ever fully committed to the bakery idea—not until Connie’s offer that evening. And whether or not she had planned on leveraging her new Instagram personality into something lucrative, she most definitely hadn’t said anything about it to Ian.
“You know what’s unfair?” he asked, his eyes dark and sad, “Putting Andy through this kind of thing again. He’s already been abandoned once—”
“He wasn’t abandoned, Ian, his mother died! I know that’s awful and painful, but he wasn’t abandoned.”
“He was a four-year-old kid who lost his mom. Do you think he cared whether she chose to leave or not? Either way, he’s the one who was left behind. I’m not going to let you hurt him all over again.”
“Okay,” she said simply, all of the fight in her gone, “Okay, then I guess you’re right. I think it’s time for me to go. I’ll be gone before Andy wakes up in the morning. Just tell him whatever makes sense.”
He looked at her for one more agonizing minute, letting the full meaning of his rejection sink in, then turned and walked up the stairs. She stood alone in the living room crying for a long, long time, waiting for him to come back down again and give her another chance. It was stupid, but she wanted him to tell her not to go, after all. When the clock chimed midnight, and he hadn’t come back down, she eased herself quietly up the stairs and packed her bags to go.
18
“I don’t understand, Daddy. Where’s Katie right now?”
“I told ya, buddy, she had to go. She wanted to tell you goodbye, but things happened too fast.”
“I’ll see her soon, though, right? She’s gonna come back.”
“No, buddy, I’m sorry. She’s not coming back.”
“But she said!” Andy shouted, slamming his little fist down onto the table, his fork flying out of his hand upon impact and landing halfway across the room.
“Andy, come on. You gotta be careful, okay?” Ian said, gritting his teeth and working to hold onto his last shred of patience.
“But she said!” Andy insisted again, “She said she was gonna be there for the competition. She’s supposed to help me!”
Ian sighed and ran a hand across his face. It was true, Katie had promised Andy help that nobody else could give. Ian sure as hell couldn’t do it; he didn’t know the first thing about cooking. Even the meal they were sharing now was something he’d found in the freezer—the last remnants of Katie’s influence, laid out on two paper plates. Turned out, he wasn’t as good at presentation as Katie, either. After she had gone, Ian found trays and trays of meals frozen and ready to go. While they still had her food to eat, it was possible to try and ignore her absence. Once this last meal was gone, though, the illusion had to die with it.
“I don’t get it, Daddy. What are we gonna do with her gone? Who’s gonna help me with food and Scouts and stuff?”
“I can help you with those things, Andy. I’m not completely useless, you know.”
“But you don’t have time. You didn’t before. You’re so busy.”
“I’ll try and make more time. You’re right, I wasn’t doing so hot before she came but Katie taught me some things, and I’m not going to let them go to waste.”
“We’re gonna starve, Daddy,” Andy huffed. “We’re gonna starve to death, and I’m gonna be the worst Scout.”
Ian read the usual Harry Potter to Andy at bedtime, but it wasn’t the same. Katie was the kind of reader who did all of the voices, made each and every character come totally alive. Ian did his best, but it came off as a second-rate attempt, and Andy went to bed as grumpy as he had been all day. Truth be told, Ian wasn’t feeling too hot about things himself, and when he finally sat on the couch, longneck in hand, he sighed heavily and looked around the house. It was a big place, too big for only the two of them. How Katie had managed to bring in so much additional life with just her one body was beyond him, but it was what she had done. Every day she had made their lives fuller, and he hadn’t really realized to what extent until after she was gone.
The trouble was, Ian wasn’t the guy to deal with the emotional side of things. He was the fix-it guy, the guy to call when someone needed help rebuilding a fence or re-roofing a barn. He wasn’t the guy to wipe his son’s tears, and he sure as shit di
dn’t know how to make up for a vacancy he’d helped create in the care-and-comfort department. It wasn’t the way he operated, at any rate. But he was on his own now, and he had to figure something out. Andy had his heart set on doing well in the cooking competition, and Ian had to find some way to help.
And then, he had the perfect idea of where to go.
“Son of a bitch,” he laughed humorlessly to himself, “that’s some kind of ironic, isn’t it? I’ll just take a look at her damned blog.”
19
“Oh my God, it’s really you! I can’t believe you’re here!” the girl squealed, jumping up and down and clapping her hands together. Katie stopped, looked over her shoulder to see who the excitement was directed at, and then looked back at the girl in question when she realized it was directed at her.
“Um, thank you,” she said uncertainly. “It’s good to be back.”
“I seriously can’t believe you showed up for our little Strawberry Fest,” the girl’s gushing continued, “I mean I know you were staying at the Grant Ranch for a while, but when you left, I figured you wouldn’t ever come back. I wouldn’t, you know? You better believe I’ll stay as far away as possible if I ever get out of this stupid town.”
“I don’t know,” Katie answered quietly, looking around her wistfully. “I actually think this is a great little town. I’m glad to be here again. I kind of wish I hadn’t left.”
“Um, really?”
The girl was looking at Katie like she was insane and, honestly, Katie could kind of see why. In Katie’s experience it was the goal of almost every young girl to get out of the small town she grew up in. The thing was, most people didn’t have the kind of reason Katie had to make this kind of visit. It was probably an exercise in masochism, considering the last time she saw Ian he’d told her he wanted her to leave, but when her uncle had called and asked her to come back for the Strawberry Fest’s cooking competition, she hadn’t been able to say no. She promised Andy that she would be there, after all, and it wasn’t his fault that things had exploded so spectacularly between Katie and Ian.
“Anyway,” Katie smiled at the girl, “thanks for the warm reception. If you don’t mind, I’m going to go and find a place to watch the cooking competition.”
“Aren’t you a judge? You should totally be one of the judges! It would be so cool for us to have a legit celebrity judge!” the girl shrieked, jumping up and down and completely excited all over again.
“Oh no, I can’t judge. I wouldn’t be able to be impartial. I’m excited to watch it, though, and I don’t want to miss a thing.”
The girl, who was sweet enough but had enough energy that standing near her made Katie feel a little tired, nodded her head and waved before skipping off. Katie threaded her way through the crowd, fielding looks and waves from a whole bunch of the other townspeople. She grinned and waved back, trying not to let herself get flustered from all the attention. Almost a month in and she was still amazed by how quickly everything had changed.
The little segment Ian had seen about her on TV had only been the start. Two days after Katie left, tail between her legs, she had gotten a call from America Wake Up asking her to come and do a guest segment for their cooking fans. That appearance got her an appearance on another show, and now she had exactly the kind of attention she had wanted before all of this started. Even better, she had that success without having to compromise who she was or what she really wanted to do with her cooking. She was being slotted as the girl with the real-life ranch transformation, and people were eating that up almost as much as they were eating up her new healthy food. She’d spent most of her life trying to twist herself into being someone people would like. But now, she was letting all that pretense go—and finding more success than she’d ever imagined. For the first time in almost the entirety of her life, she was really, truly the woman she had always wanted to be.
“Hey, sugar! I was wondering if you would be here. Andy’s been asking about you. He’s been hoping you would come here for this.”
“Carol!” Katie smiled, hugging her old friend and ally as she found her spot right in front of the stage, “I’m so glad to see you. And of course I’m here. There’s no way I would miss Andy’s big debut. I’ve never met anyone who worked so diligently for anything.”
“It’s been hard for him since you went away,” Carol said ruefully, either unaware of or undaunted by the discomfort it caused Katie. “I won’t lie and tell you that it hasn’t been. It’s difficult for a little boy to understand the choices of the grown-ups around him, you know?”
“Sure, I bet it is,” Katie answered miserably. Everything Carol was saying went straight to the heart of why Katie hadn’t been able to be happy even with all of her newfound success. She was still sad, only this time it had nothing to do with her confusion about what her life should be. Now, it was over her inability to be honest with Ian. She should have been clear about what she wanted in life. She should have been brave enough to do it before she hurt Ian and Andy. Because she hadn’t been able to do that she had lost them. The least she could do was be here for Andy this one last time.
“Oh, look at the little man,” Carol cooed, turning their attention to the stage. “Doesn’t he look dapper?”
Katie couldn’t have agreed more. Andy strode across the stage with confidence she knew he hadn’t had six months ago, wearing the little chef’s uniform the two of them had made with Carol’s help. He peered out into the steadily growing crowd, found Katie and Carol, and waved one arm over his head wildly. Katie grinned and waved back, trying to ignore the lump forming in her throat at the mere sight of the little boy. God, she had missed him! And she was more proud that she could have predicted to see him up there doing his thing.
“Alright, contestants, you know how this works!” the man acting as the host bellowed into the microphone, “Open your baskets, give the ingredients a gander, and see what you can come up with. On your marks, get set, cook!”
Katie clapped enthusiastically and smiled at Carol when she put a hand on her shoulder. Andy looked completely in his element and not ruffled in the slightest. It brought Katie back to all the time the two of them had spent practicing together just so he could be right here, in this very moment. It was almost enough to make her forget her regrets. Wrapped up in memories, she didn’t even notice when a new person found his place beside her.
“Katie. I…I was hoping I might see you here. For Andy, you know.”
The sound of Ian’s voice sent goosebumps over every surface of Katie’s body. She had imagined seeing Ian again many times since their terrible parting, mostly when she was struggling to sleep very late at night. She had known there was a good chance of seeing Ian at the Strawberry Fest, and she had believed herself prepared. Now that he was actually standing right beside her, though, she wasn’t sure she could take it.
“Hey, Ian,” she said, her voice wavering before she coughed to clear it. “It’s good to see you. There was no way I was going to miss Andy’s big debut. I’d like to continue to be there for him whenever he needs me. You know, if that’s okay with you.”
“Sure,” he said quickly, “you bet. He’s been asking about you.”
“That’s super sweet. I hope he’s been doing well. No more allergic reactions or anything?” she asked, trying not to look at him and failing miserably. He looked good, even better than he did in her memory. The only thing not working in his favor was how uncomfortable he looked, and Katie didn’t need to look into a mirror to know that she probably looked exactly the same. She could still see the way he had looked in that outdoor shower, his head thrown back and all of the cords in his neck standing at attention. She could still feel the way his breath had tickled while he whispered into her ear after making love in his big four-poster bed. It felt impossible that things could go from that to the way things were between the two of them now.
“Look—” she started, unsure of what she needed to say but sure that it needed to be something.
&n
bsp; “Katie—” Ian said at the same time, squirming a little at their awkwardness.
“You go first,” Katie said softly, her heart thumping wildly in her throat.
“I just…I want to apologize,” he said, his voice low and thick. She put one hand tentatively on his arm, half expecting him to brush it right back off. Instead, he took it and held it tightly, intertwined his fingers between her own. He took a step closer, and she could smell the spice of his cologne and something else; a scent that was his and his alone.
“You don’t have to do that, Ian. If anyone needs to apologize, it’s me. I screwed up in a big, big way and I wish I could go back in time and fix it.”
“I appreciate it, Katie, I do, but you can’t take on all the blame. I screwed up, too. I wanted you to find your way back to yourself, and I wanted it to happen in a specific way. I decided I knew what was best for your life even though I couldn’t figure out my own shit and when you didn’t follow my plan, I took it out on you. I didn’t realize that you were already taking care of it yourself. I get it now.”
“You get it? How come?” Katie asked, completely enthralled by these unexpected words.
“Well, I may or may not have been following you online,” he answered sheepishly, “to keep up with Andy’s cooking lessons.”
“Are you serious?” She laughed unbelievingly.
“I am. Not that I do your recipes any justice, something Andy makes sure to remind me of every chance he gets.”
“Oh, Ian, I’m so sorry,” she giggled, running her fingers along the palm of his hand.
“Don’t be. It did more good than harm. Wanna know why?”