by A. J. Downey
Now we were dressed once again in some of our best, though quite a bit more casual than Sunday best. She paced between the living room and kitchen while she entrusted me to cook. It was more adorable than nerve-wracking how she back-seat cooked with me, checking and rechecking that I followed the recipe, making sure I’d added this, or had omitted that, because her brother hated that…
I could tell she really loved him despite how he’d treated her, and that all she wanted from him was one iota of approval. It broke my heart, but I got it. I really did. He was more her parent than her actual mom due to circumstance. Heartbreaking, but true. They’d been a close-knit family of only three, and she was the baby. I saw echoes of her dynamic with Carter in my own sister and Golden, but that was a challenge for another day, and Maria had genuinely fucked-up, so the situations were vastly different.
Granted, Claire had fucked-up too, by swallowing those pills, but I felt that was different. While my sister had support and help if only she’d set her pride aside and asked, Claire had felt, and to some degree had known, she had no-one. She’d been made to feel so alone, so isolated by her brother, and by that director, from her peers, that she’d genuinely believed she was. Her depression had convinced her unequivocally that the world wouldn’t miss her, that it would have been better without her wasting space and sucking up resources, and I knew how that felt. I had been there myself. It wasn’t pretty, and to someone who hadn’t also been through such a dark place, there really was no explaining it, either.
You either knew, or you didn’t and it wasn’t a club I wanted to hand out memberships to just so the people who were in the camp who didn’t get it, could. I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain, that kind of having your thoughts and your brain on icy fire, on anyone. It was dangerous, too dangerous to wish on anyone, for even a moment, just for a life lesson in tolerance for the folks who would declare to one of us sufferers that something as simple as Just think positive would cure our woes.
Yes, I had managed to climb out of my deep dark hole with the help of Claire and without benefit of medication, or therapy. I’d managed to hold on until things had gotten better, but it wasn’t a path I would recommend to anyone, and it also wasn’t a path I would ever repeat, should I get that bad again. And if I were being honest, I was always low-level afraid of myself, that it would get that bad again…
Claire had done the wrong thing, but I worked in the medical field and could be the first to tell you – in order to get any kind of real help, unless you were very lucky, that was typically how far it had to go. Sadly, we usually didn’t make it in time. By the grace of God we had this time and she was here. She was medicated and should be going to regular therapy, but those services were out of reach of her medical plan. The medication was helping, she’d gotten what therapy she could, and now it was one day at a time for us.
We were working on her issues together, now it was time to work on the issues outside her control that were negatively affecting her, and we could hear one of those issues coming. The footfalls on the dock, the low hushed tones of his wife scolding him, and the exasperated sound of his arguing with her were indistinct, but there, just before the blur of their bodies were visible through the frosted glass of my proper front door. Claire froze and the knock fell on the wood beside the glass. I raised an eyebrow at her when she looked at me, and stirred the pot on the stove. I knew I was stirring a very different kind of pot by making her answer the door, but it needed to be done.
Did I worry that it was too soon?
Yes.
Did I want to waste the opportunity that Claire’s sister-in-law had presented, and that she was clearly going to be on Claire’s side for this?
No.
If we had waited, there was a good chance that her sister-in-law would have become less sympathetic to Claire’s side of the story, the longer she lived with Carter’s excuses.
Although, judging by their expressions as Claire let them through the door, I had to guess that Mallory Montgomery was at the end of her rope when it came to her husband. My heart went out to her. Him? Not so much. I wanted to wipe that look of arrogant superiority right off his face, and with any luck, and God willing, I’d have the opportunity tonight before this family-drama shit-show was over – because make no mistake, Claire was my family now and I would fight to the death for any one of them, whether they had pissed me off or not.
You could hate your family, but they were your family, and when an outside threat came around, you fought for them because that is what family did. Carter had made himself an outside threat to the other half of my soul. It left a bitter, acrid taste in my mouth where he was concerned. I took a fortifying sip of my wine to try and wash it away, but it was so strong, I swear that it turned the wine to vinegar in my mouth. Still, I could handle this. I had diplomacy, and patience… typically, anyway. This, I was sure, was going to be harder than I was used to.
“Angel, I’d like you to meet my brother, Carter and his wife, Mallory,” Claire said gently, and I wondered if her brother would recognize me from the night of Claire’s near-suicide. He did, frowning as he stuck out his hand.
“Nice to meet you,” I lied pleasantly, and couldn’t get over how stiff Claire held herself.
“Likewise,” Mallory said warmly and took my hand between both of hers to shake.
“Dinner will be up in just a few minutes; can I interest you in a glass of wine?”
“That would be lovely,” she said.
Carter cleared his throat uncomfortably and said, “Yes, thank you.”
“All right, then.” I went and poured two glasses and brought them over. Claire took them from me and handed one each to her brother and sister-in-law as I began plating things up and getting them into serving dishes.
Uncomfortable silence reigned as everyone took a place around the dining room table and I worried about my girl. I had faith in her, believed in her, and I knew she would be able to handle anything that he threw at her tonight… and if she couldn’t? I was right here to catch it for her.
24
Claire…
When I had opened the door, Mallory had smiled warmly, but my eyes had gone straight to my brother, who looked positively dour.
“Claire,” he intoned. That was it. Just one word, my name, the anger and derision with which he uttered it absolutely heartbreaking. I knew instantly that this was not going to go well and surprisingly, that didn’t hurt. I mean, it did, but not as much as it made me angry. He was acting like a sullen little boy who had been forced to go to church on a Sunday when all he wanted to do was go play with little Johnny up the road who didn’t go to church on Sundays.
Sort of like you were this morning, I thought a bit ruefully. I’d been glad Angel had slightly bullied me into going with him and Manolo. I’d needed it, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. It helped that his church was so warm and welcoming for being Catholic. I’d always found their masses to be somber and almost melancholy, even when they were supposed to be celebrating something.
I let them into the house and it seemed that as soon as my brother stepped across the threshold, my bright little sanctuary became somehow darker, like using a filter on a photo in an app; everything just felt dingy all of a sudden. I thought it was just me projecting, I guess – or I don’t know ‒ maybe it genuinely was Carter and not me. I struggled with that. I really did. I couldn’t fathom this bitter angry man as my brother but he was, and I loved him, and I couldn’t give up on him. Not yet.
The walk across the short expanse of living room, past the dining room table, to the kitchen where Angel was felt like a walk to the gallows. I introduced my brother and sister-in-law, and Mallory was at least trying, warm and pleasant to my brother’s cold and dark.
I brought them wine and we sat at the table while Angel finished some things up. Awkward silence descended on us as we waited for Angel to be seated and to begin dinner. Angel said a silent prayer, the rest of us bowing our heads in respectful silence for his
faith. He crossed himself and looked up, brightly smiling at my brother and his wife.
“So,” he said, “I have to admit, Claire hasn’t told me too much about you yet, given the circumstances. What do you do, Carter?”
“Public school. I teach history.”
“Oh, yeah? Where at?”
Carter cleared his throat and said, “Over at Bayside Jr. High.”
“Oh, yeah, over in Old Town district.”
“Yeah.” My brother nodded and took another bite of his food. I swallowed hard.
“Mallory is in real estate,” I murmured and Mallory smiled brightly, but her eyes held a bit of nervousness as she glanced at Carter. I was instantly angry for her.
“Yeah, my brother just bought a place last year. One of the old brownstones on Twenty-first.”
“Oh, those were so nice! They weren’t handled by my firm, but we did bid on the contract to represent the –“
“Mallory,” Carter said with a bit of a derisive laugh. “Sorry, if you let her get started, she’ll go on for days.”
“I don’t mind that,” Angel said, sitting up slightly. “It’s exciting when you encounter people who are still passionate and excited about what they do. It’s one of the things I love about Claire.”
Oh, he was trying to start shit, damn him. Although, chasing right after that same thought came I need to remember to give him a high-five for that one, later.
Carter cleared his throat and pushed his plate away from him a bit, and I thought Here we go.
“Mr. um…”
“There’s no Mister anything, just Angel will do.”
“Right, ah, Angel… I’m not sure how my sister tracked you down or convinced you to let her move in with you but –“
“First of all, she didn’t track me down. I tracked her. Second of all, your sister saved my life three years ago, but I don’t suppose you know anything about that, considering she’s not the type to really brag about her accomplishments.”
“Wait, um…” Carter frowned. “I’m not quite sure I understand. Claire did what?”
“She saved my life.”
“How did she do that, exactly?”
“I don’t really think we need to talk about that…” I interjected. I mean, I really didn’t want Carter to know anything about that. I mean, that I slept with Angel and then bounced before he woke up. It was a total one-night stand, and not one of my finer moments.
“She happened to be walking by, just as I was about to eat my gun. She stayed with me all night, talking it out. She saved my life that night, three years ago, and we lost touch. I always hoped I would find her again, but I never figured it would be like that. You have to feel awfully alone and like a burden to everyone around you to pull something like that. I was glad I could return the favor and that we were able to reconnect.”
Okay, he left a lot out, and pretty much made me sound like a saint. I so didn’t deserve him.
“Ah-huh…” Carter’s tone was skeptical at best, condescending and rude at worst, and my fuse was lit and snaking ever closer to the powder keg of anger I was barely holding onto.
“She’s a good woman, your sister, and she’s been through a lot.”
Carter lost all sense of decorum at that point, crossing his arms and leaning back in his seat.
“Not how I would describe my sister,” he said flatly. “Look, I don’t know what line of… what Claire’s fed you, but Claire does what she wants and damn everyone else.” My jaw dropped and I know I made a sound because Carter looked at me and with eyebrows raised, said, “You do.”
“Last time I checked, I believe your sister was an adult and capable of making those decisions for herself,” Angel countered, and I was starting to get a little annoyed with the whole talking about me like I wasn’t sitting right here.
I swallowed hard and forged ahead and demanded of my brother, “Do you really even care that I almost died, or was it just another inconvenience for you in a long line of them where I’m concerned?”
Carter actually had the nerve to roll his eyes saying, “Don’t be dramatic, Claire. It’s not always about you.”
Mallory, who had remained silent to this point, drew back and leaned away from my brother, anger flitting across her face as she said, “Uh, do you maybe want to try that one again, Carter Montgomery?”
She used her Mom voice on him. She actually used her Mom voice on him. That was great. The three of us stared him down and he scowled.
“Oh, please, Claire! Don’t pretend it was anything less than a cry for yet more attention. Haven’t all of us already given you enough?”
“You don’t,” I said flatly, and leaned back. “You are literally so self-absorbed now that you seriously thought I tried to kill myself for attention?” I shook my head. “If I wanted or needed attention from you, Carter, that is certainly not how I would want to get it.” I felt like he’d taken a hatchet to the center of my chest and had carved out my bleeding heart. I threw my napkin onto my plate, which I hadn’t even touched and stood up.
“I think we’re done here,” I said. “I don’t want or need to hear anything else.” Tears coursed down my cheeks and I had a savage thought that if it weren’t for Angel, I really should try again, that I literally was out of things to hold onto. My brother, my last flesh and blood, really didn’t give two shits about me.
I went for the stairs, took them two at a time, and went to the sliding glass door. I felt hot all over, my face flushed as tears scorched lines down my cheeks, and I felt like I was suffocating. I needed cold, I needed air, and most importantly, I needed to not be inhabiting the same space as my damn brother.
Losing your family sucked, but at that point, it hurt so much, I think it would have been easier to take if one of us had actually died.
25
Angel…
“I want a divorce.” Mallory’s voice was coated in a heavy layer of disgust, as she leaned as far away from Carter as her seat would allow.
Carter turned to her, scowling, and demanded, “What are you talking about?”
“I think she’s talking about leaving your ass and I can’t say that I blame her at this point,” I said with a sigh.
“Excuse you!” Carter cried, indignant.
“No, excuse you, buddy. You’re in my house, so this here is how this is gonna play out. You can either sit there and listen to what we’ve got to say, or you can get the fuck up out of here. I’m cool with either or, because you? The shit you’re pulling on your sister? It has absolute sweet fuck-all to do with her and her decisions, and has everything to do with you and yours, and I’m not about to let you pretend otherwise.”
To his credit, he shut the fuck up. Of course, his wife sitting there with her arms crossed, looking at him downright murderously, might have had something to do with it.
He looked at me, smug, and waved a hand in front of himself like I should be his guest in my own house and tell him what I thought. I took the invitation, but it was a close call between talking and putting my fist down his throat. He’d hurt Claire and I wanted so badly to kick his fucking ass for that. Still, kicking his ass would only make this worse on her, not better, and I wasn’t about to do that.
“You know what? One day it’s going to click how bad you’ve fucked up with your sister and you’re going to regret it, and on that day, it’s going to be too fucking late because Claire’s going to have written you off in order to heal herself, and that’s going to be all on you. I don’t think there’s honestly anything else I can say at this point because it’s pretty clear you’re not interested in listening.” I shook my head.
“If you think I’m joking about that divorce, Carter, you have another thing coming,” Mallory said. “I am not about to have Gracie grow up with a father like the man you are right now. What you just did to Claire was cruel. Unbelievably cruel. I think Angel hit the nail on the head. It’s not her issue, or her issues. These are all yours, and you need to deal with them.”
“Ta
ke all the time you guys need,” I said throwing down my napkin. “I’m going to go take care of the love of my life. By the time we get back in here, though, there better be an apology waiting or you’d better be gone. Those are your two choices, man.” I got up, and Carter looked a cross between angry and disbelieving, and I wondered if he’d ever really had to deal with any consequences for his actions. I mean, I knew his mom had worked a lot and left him pretty much in charge of Claire, something she idolized him for, but damn… I really don’t know how he’d turned into this, where his line of thinking had gotten so warped along the way.
“Thank you, Angel, for the lovely meal,” Mallory murmured, somber.
“You’re welcome,” I told her pointedly. “I’m sorry that we had to meet under such circumstances. I wish you all the best.” She nodded.
“Are you fucking joking me?” Carter spluttered, indignant.
“Do I look it?” I demanded with an arched brow. I turned my back on them and went up the stairs, slipping out onto the top deck where Claire stood, facing the water, her fingertips pressed to her eyes, her shoulders shaking as she wept bitterly into the icy night.
I sighed silently, my breath pluming the air, and shut the slider behind us. She jumped at the sound it made when it clapped shut, and turned. When she saw me, fresh tears coursed down her cheeks.
“They gone?” she asked.
“Not yet, I don’t think. I think your sister-in-law just drew a line in the sand, though.”
“Oh, yeah? How’s that?”
“Told him not once, but twice, she’s lookin’ for a divorce.”
She took in a stuttering breath, sniffing as I pulled her against me and rested her head on my chest saying, “Poor Carter.” Her tone held nothing but sincerity for the sentiment, too. She was far more amazing than her dumbass brother deserved.
“All the shit he puts you through, withholding love, approval, and just about everything a family member needs to thrive and you’re worried about his feelings? God, I love you, Claire. I love you with everything that I am, with everything I ever hoped to be, and one day I’m going to marry you.”