As the end of class approached, she got more and more nervous. She could hardly swallow. Which was ridiculous, because it was Nick. She’d known him forever. Of course he’d forgive her. Of course he hadn’t been mad at her. How could she have been so stupid all week, avoiding him like they were still awkward high schoolers after a breakup. She was almost a senior in college, for God’s sakes.
At the end of class, she clutched her necklace and stood, her knees unsteady. The others were gathering their things, talking and waiting for everyone to get ready to walk out together. But she caught Nick’s eye for just a second before he looked away, back at the others, like nothing had happened. Something broke loose inside her, and she swallowed hard, fighting back the rush of nerves.
He was leaving. He was walking out with the others, without bothering to stop and ask her to join. Maybe she’d waited too long, and he’d changed his mind. She couldn’t assume he’d wait forever for an answer. Kristina was right, he was a good guy, deserving of happiness, and she had to let him have that, even if it meant she had to see him with someone else. But that didn’t mean she would give up on him entirely. He was her best friend, and even if she never wanted to date him, she never wanted to lose him, either.
She clutched her necklace tighter and called on her mother’s wisdom. Steeling herself for the rejection, she slipped out of the room and approached the group on the sidewalk, in their usual spot in the shade of the building. They fell silent, watching her approach. Then another thought dawned on her. All this time, Nick must have thought she was mad at him. He must have thought she’d gotten the note on Tuesday and hadn’t bothered to answer.
“Hey,” he said, the dimple in his cheek sinking into her like a knife. She wanted to touch it, to assure herself it would always be there for her. But his eyes weren’t smiling with his lips this time. There was a wariness there now.
“Hey,” she said. “So, um, do you want to walk home? I mean, back to the flat? I mean, I’d be walking to my flat, and you’d be walking home.”
“Sure.”
“Well…okay. Cool.”
“See you guys later,” he said to the others, then turned and started off with Cynthia.
For a minute, neither of them spoke. The silence gnawed at her until it hurt too much to go on. “I’m sorry about last week,” she blurted out.
“Me, too.”
She started to say something else, and he started at the same time, and then they both stopped. “You first,” he said.
“No, you first.”
“I wasn’t trying to tell you what to do,” he said. “Or who you could hang out with, or anything like that. I just didn’t want to go clubbing with you and those guys. That’s it. I swear. I’m sorry I said it like that. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”
“You didn’t,” she said. “I mean, I guess that’s not true. You did. But I don’t want to lose you. You’re pretty much the best friend I’ve ever had in my whole life. Besides my mom, of course.”
“You’re not so bad yourself,” he said with a little smile. “Sorry I didn’t try harder not to be a jealous ass. I promise I’ll do better. I should have been there for you this week. This whole time, since your dad…It was stupid of me to act like that.”
“No, I’m the one who was acting stupid.”
“How’s that?”
“Just to ignore you all week. That was stupid. I thought you were mad at me.”
“No,” he said with a shrug. “I wasn’t mad. I was giving you space, like you wanted. I wasn’t ever trying to smother you or scare off your dates like an overprotective dad.”
She forced a laugh. “That’s okay. I’m sure I have all kinds of weird daddy issues.”
For a minute, neither of them spoke, but she could see his jaw tighten and his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed a couple times. Finally, his face relaxed. “You can do whatever you want, with whoever you want, even when I’m around,” he said. “You know that. And I won’t say a thing, ever again. And besides, I guess…Kristina kind of asked me out.”
“Oh really?” Now it was her turn to swallow hard. She stared straight ahead, pretending she didn’t see him watching her from the corner of his eye. It wasn’t her business who he wanted to go out with.
“Yeah,” he said when she didn’t react. “I just wanted you to know. In case, I don’t know, you thought it was weird. I won’t go if it will bother you.”
“No,” she said. “You should go. She’s a lot of fun, and she thinks you’re cute.”
“Really?” He turned towards her as they walked, and the delighted smile on his face made her die a little inside. She hadn’t thought he’d really go through with it.
“Yeah,” she said. “She really said that. In fact, she’s said it a bunch of times. I just never thought she was your type.”
“Huh.”
Cynthia fought the urge to say something catty about Kristina. This was not about her. The best thing she could do was set up two of her friends and make them both happy, and then they’d both forgive her.
“So maybe we can all go out together again,” Cynthia said. “Me and Flavio, and you and Kristina.”
“If you’re sure that’s what you want,” he said, but he sounded doubtful.
“I am,” she said. “That’s what I want.”
“Well, okay,” he said as they came up on her building. “If you’re really sure.”
“But…remember she just broke up with Alex,” Cynthia said. “I don’t want you to get hurt if she’s looking for a rebound. I think she’s just looking to have some fun.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Cynthia wanted to slap a hand over her mouth and shove them back in. Why had she said that? To a guy, the words just having fun meant one thing. And even though Nick wasn’t really that type of guy, she didn’t think he’d turn down a one night stand with a hot blonde if it fell into his lap.
“Cool,” Nick said. “There’s no such thing as too much fun, right?”
“Right,” Cynthia said through gritted teeth. Without waiting for the awkward moment after goodbye, she turned and hurried to the front door. Nick called that he’d see her later, and she answered without looking back. Inside, she lay on her bed and looked up at the crucifix above her bed. She’d fixed things with Nick, which was the most important thing. And by doing so, and encouraging him to go out with Kristina, she thought she’d probably be able to patch things up with the girls without any trouble. But somehow, she didn’t feel much better than she had before.
Chapter Sixteen
During the week when they hadn’t been speaking to her, the rest of the girls had planned a trip to Florence that weekend. Maggie invited her at the last minute, but they hadn’t reserved hotel space for her, and Cynthia still felt too awkward about Kristina to barge in on their trip. She hoped Kristina had gotten back with Armani and was taking him, too, and she’d leave Nick alone. But on Monday, she sat with him like usual. Cynthia sat with them again, too, and tried not to notice how Kristina kept touching Nick every chance she got—poking him with her pencil, tickling him with the ends of her hair, swatting his arm every time he said anything even remotely close to amusing.
Cynthia held her tongue and tried to get used to it. It had never bothered her when Nick dated other girls before, but for some reason, Kristina’s interest got to her. If Nick still liked Cynthia, he certainly kept it to himself, but she didn’t think things would ever go back to the way they had been. In a way she couldn’t name, things had shifted. He was still friendly, and he didn’t act distant, but every time a beat of silence fell between them, she caught that look in his eyes. Something like guilt, like he was waiting for her to scold him. Or maybe she was just projecting her own guilt for acting the way she had.
It wasn’t until the next Friday that they all found time to go out. Even though Cynthia couldn’t really afford it, the others wanted to go to the opera, so she went along. She’d have to eat sandwiches for dinner for the next week, and make sur
e to eat at her host family’s house instead of going out to lunch after class when the others did, but she wasn’t about to skip an outing. She already felt like she was losing her place in the group. When they’d come, she’d been the one in the group, bringing along a friend when they went out. That’s how it had always been, even before she met them. He was her sidekick. But now Nick was part of the group, and she was the tagalong. It was a definite change for their friendship, and not a particularly comfortable one.
The opera was a place people went on dates, and usually, Cynthia would have brought Nick if she didn’t have a date. But now he was with Kristina, and she didn’t know how she’d make it through that without a distraction. Luckily, she found out the day before that Maggie was still hanging out Enzo, even though Armani was gone, so she asked if he’d bring Flavio for her. When they arrived, she hoped he’d offer to pay for her, even though she knew she shouldn’t accept. But when they got to the ticket booth, he didn’t offer. She reluctantly pulled out her wallet and paid for her own ticket, trying not to judge when she saw Kristina letting Nick pay.
Nick didn’t have any more money than Cynthia did, and she knew for a fact that Kristina had plenty. But maybe Kristina didn’t know, and Cynthia wasn’t about to embarrass Nick by saying anything. If he wanted to pay for his date, it was none of her business. Kristina would probably make it well worth his while later.
She pushed that thought out of her head as they made their way to their seats. “This is so glamorous,” Maggie said with a sigh. “I’m really going to miss Rome.”
“Are you going to miss me?” Enzo asked, sliding his hand around her thigh as they sat down. Maggie slapped his hand away and scolded him, but he just laughed.
Cynthia sat down next to Enzo, and Flavio sat next to her, with Kristina and Nick filling out the rest of the row. Cynthia turned away from Nick and Kristina, who were bent over their program, their heads close, murmuring to each other. She tried to pay attention to her own date as he rambled on, but she couldn’t keep her mind on him no matter how loud he talked. Finally, the lights went down and the show started, and she didn’t have to fake it anymore.
The singer’s voice was incredible, and even though Cynthia couldn’t understand the words, the emotion burned into her like a coal, filling her belly with its heat. The voice rose, fanning the heat into a flame that climbed higher and higher, clutching at her throat until a tear slid down her cheek. Suddenly, she was yanked out of her trance by a hand planting itself on her thigh. Its damp heat seared into her skin as she stared down at it in the dim light of the opera house.
“Um. Excuse me?” She plucked Enzo’s sweaty paw off her leg and deposited it back into his lap.
“I hear you like Italians,” he purred, this time stroking the outside of her thigh with the back of his hand.
She slapped his hand so hard her fingers stung. “Not you.”
“Why not? Both my friends had a turn.”
“Oh my God,” she blurted, so loud that a couple in front of them gave her dirty looks, and all her friends turned to see what was going on. She waited until they’d turned back to the show before she hissed, “Keep your nasty little hands to yourself.”
He made a sad puppy face, but his eyes were laughing. “You don’t have to hit me. You can’t blame a guy for trying.”
“Ugh. Disgusting.” She rolled her eyes and tried to squeeze further away from him, but the narrow seats were already tight, so all she could do was lean onto the armrest between her and Flavio. Of course he took this as an invitation and put an arm around her. She kept watch on Enzo, but to her relief, he’d gone back to mauling Maggie’s thigh. After a while, she relaxed a bit, and her eyes drifted past Flavio to where Nick and Kristina sat.
Holding hands.
Cynthia’s breath caught and she turned to face forwards, staring at the stage like she might be sent home that very night if she didn’t memorize the entire performance. She couldn’t get the picture out of her head, though. Kristina’s hand hanging over the armrest into Nick’s seat, and his fingers linked through hers. It was worse than if they’d been kissing. Had he taken Kristina’s hand, or had she taken his? And were they sharing that electric connection of holding hands of the first time, or had they done this before? Maybe it was all old news to them. Maybe they’d already kissed, already slept together for all she knew.
But she didn’t think so. She couldn’t think so, couldn’t let herself.
The singer’s voice hit a low, haunting note and swooped up again, sending chills down Cynthia’s arms. Suddenly she wished she were the one sitting next to Nick, that she could grab his hand and huddle closer. She snuck another peek in his direction. He was still holding hands with her friend. And she’d told him to. More than once, he’d asked if she minded, and she’d said no. She had wanted to date this bozo beside her more than him, so she’d let him go. And he’d done what she asked, just like always. He’d let her have the bozo.
She still wasn’t sure if she would have cared if he’d chosen anyone other than Kristina, the girl who had it all. She’d gotten the hot Italian guy with no effort whatsoever, the moment she stepped off the plane, as if he’d been waiting just for her. She had friends who always took her side, enough money that she never had to worry, and she looked like every guy’s fantasy—tall, blonde, and skinny no matter how much she ate. And now she had Nick.
Maybe it was worse if they hadn’t slept together. Maybe that meant they were taking it slow, that they were serious about dating. It wasn’t just a summer fling in Italy, but one that they’d carry home with them, like an STD. They’d probably ask Cynthia to be a bridesmaid at their wedding, where Kristina would choose dresses that only flattered girls like her, and Cynthia would look like a roll of leftover biscuit dough in Saran wrap.
When the show finally ended, she leapt up from her seat. She’d been so busy obsessing that she hadn’t even noticed that Enzo and Maggie weren’t in their seats. And suddenly she had a lot bigger worry than Nick holding hands with Kristina.
She grabbed Flavio’s arm. “Where’s Maggie?”
“I don’t know,” he said, craning his neck to look around.
“Come on, hurry, we have to find her.”
“Slow down, I’m sure she’s fine.”
But all Cynthia could think of was Maggie going off to the bathroom, and Enzo following her, trapping her where no one could hear over the opera. She grabbed Nick’s arm and dragged him up the aisle and out of the theater, into the lobby.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“I lost Maggie.”
“She just texted,” Kristina said behind them. “They’re waiting out front.”
Cynthia rushed out, jostling past a couple others who were already leaving. Most of the audience was dawdling in the lobby or still making their way from the theater. “Oh my God, are you okay?” Cynthia asked, running over to where Maggie and Enzo were standing.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Maggie said, smoothing her hair, which looked a little mussed. “It just got to me for a minute, and I forgot to bring tissues…” She swiped her fingers under her eyes. Her eyelashes were stuck together as if she’d been crying, but Cynthia still glared at Enzo for a second before turning back to Maggie, who darted a look at Enzo, too.
“We ready to go?” Kristina asked, emerging from the theater a moment later. They took off along the street, Kristina almost skipping ahead, swinging her arm dramatically. “That was so beautiful,” she said. “I couldn’t understand a single word of it, but it was worth every penny.” She twirled on tiptoes, graceful as a ballerina, before losing her balance and crashing into Nick.
He caught her around the waist, laughing, and steadied her on her feet. His arm fit all the way around her willowy body. How had Cynthia never realized how great long arms were? She’d always known Nick was lanky. He’d even played basketball in high school, and sometimes he played pickup games with other guys on campus. It was almost like he’d been built for it—he had the
height, and the reach, and hands big enough to palm a basketball. But she’d never thought about it relating to anything other than basketball.
The tram was crowded, so they had to stand. Nick held onto one of the poles, high up, and Kristina folded herself into him. He wrapped his other arm around her waist again, holding her steady while the tram rocked along the track. Cynthia turned to Maggie, but she was fending off Enzo, who was taking advantage of the crowded tram to grope her butt. Flavio crowded up against Cynthia, but she shoved him away with a look that stopped any further advances.
Finally, they climbed off the tram, leaving Flavio and Enzo to make it home on their own. Cynthia and Nick should have gotten off at a different stop, but when she saw Nick getting off with Kristina, she couldn’t help herself. She didn’t want to be alone with Enzo and Flavio—or to leave Nick and Kristina alone together.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked Maggie as soon as they started walking. “Enzo is a total sleaze ball. He didn’t try anything, did he?”
“Like every second of the night,” Maggie said, rolling her eyes. “Have you met Enzo? He has, like, one mode. On.”
“Ew.”
“Normally, I’d say that, too,” Maggie said. “I don’t know why, but for some reason, I kind of like it. It’s so weird. He’s not my type at all.”
“Okay, I have to tell you something,” Cynthia said, glancing sideways at Maggie. “He kind of…groped me during the opera. I pushed him away, I swear. I know you’ve been spending a lot of time together.”
“Are you serious? Oh my God. I was wondering what the commotion was about. Are you okay?”
“No, yeah, I’m fine,” Cynthia said. “I just thought you should know.”
“I’m so sorry,” Maggie said, squeezing Cynthia’s arm. “He really is a pig. I don’t even know how I can like him. It’s just kind of…sexy on him, you know?”
When In Rome...Lose Control: Cynthia's Story Page 13