I turned to him and saw that he had pushed the door almost closed, leaving just a crack to give us privacy, but to also be able to hear Garrett in case he needed us.
“What the fuck, Anna?” he said, breaking the silence. “Why? Why did you keep this from me? You had no right! Absolutely no right.”
I swallowed, pushing back the sudden prick of tears I felt forming. I’d expected his anger but hadn’t anticipated his hurt. And his sorrow was worse than I could have ever imagined.
I couldn’t stand the fact that I had hurt him; it was like a knife through my own heart.
My voice was croaked when I spoke. “I was going to tell you. Please believe I never meant for so much time to pass before I did. I…I just screwed up. And I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Tucker…Sorry doesn’t even cut it.”
“When were you going to tell me, Anna?” he spat angrily. “When he was in his twenties and I had completely missed him growing up? What the fuck did you think you were accomplishing by keeping my own flesh and blood from me? Think long and hard before you answer me because your answer better be fucking good or God help you…”
I shuddered and my breath caught in my throat. I had never heard Tucker so angry before. I didn’t know what to say. I had no response. He was absolutely right. I had no right in keeping his son from him…
All of my previous reasoning no longer seemed valid. But as he stared at me, demanding an answer, I knew I had to say something.
“You…you were gone, Tucker. I…I told you we needed to talk when you were back in town, but you never responded. I wanted to tell you in person, but the opportunity never came and…And this…This—having a kid—was something we had never discussed before. It was something we had been taking active measures to prevent, but still…It just happened. I didn’t know how you would respond. I didn’t know what to tell you…I didn’t know what to do…Just please don’t…Don’t do this to me. I feel horrible enough as it is.”
I tried to keep my voice low. Our son laid only a few feet away and I had no desire to have him awake to two screaming adults.
Tucker must have had the same idea because his tone remained subdued despite the fury in it. “Don’t do this to you? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. You? You think you’re the one hurting right now?”
My shoulders hunched, as if I could shrink away from him.
I understood his anger. I truly did. But this was too much…
Maybe it would have been better after all if we had never re-entered each other’s lives.
I rubbed my temples, my forehead pounding from the effort of trying to hold in my tears. “When we talked last night, I told you I had something to tell you. This was it. I never meant to keep this from you for so long, I swear. The fact that I had you as the emergency contact on Garrett’s daycare sheet should tell you as much. I always wanted to tell you. I just never had the chance. You have to understand that…”
“You expect me to believe that when you lied to me for so long?”
“I never lied to you!” I said, my tone rising, slightly defensive.
“You lied by omission, Anna. No matter how you spin it, you kept something from me that I had every right to know.”
“When was I supposed to tell you, Tucker? You. Weren’t. Around. What part of that aren’t you understanding?” I responded, gesturing with my hands to solidify my point. “When I found out about the pregnancy, you were already gone and you had been in such a dark place after your father’s death, I honestly didn’t think this was something you would be able to handle. I didn’t know how to break through your walls and I wasn’t going to bring my child up in a broken home with a father that popped in and out of his life. You pushed me away. How could I spring a child on you?”
Tucker shook his head. “You had no right to make that decision for me. I am his father. I needed to know that I had bought a child into this world. It didn’t matter what I was going through.” He pointed to the door, in Garrett’s direction. “That boy in there was half my responsibility, no matter what!”
I sighed. “You’re right. I see that now. I should have tried harder to make you a part of his life and my decision not to is something that I will always have to deal with. I can’t change the past, but I’m willing to work with you to make the future better for us all. I’m ready to do right by both you and Garrett—he deserves to know his father. I get that now too. So please, can we try to move past this and focus on what’s best for him?” Somewhere during my speech, a few of my tears finally fell.
“What’s best for him,” Tucker said in a low voice, “is knowing his father loves him and is willing to die to protect him. He needs to know that.”
My heart leapt to my throat and I hastily closed the distance between us, grabbing a hold of his arm. “Have you told him? Please, tell me you didn’t, Tucker. Not like this. Not without me…”
“Of course, I didn’t. I’m still a stranger to him. I’m not going to just spring it on the poor kid,” he said, pulling away from me.
I breathed a sigh of relief and tried to ignore the sting of the way he had recoiled from my touch.
Tucker looked back at me with raised eyebrows. “But doesn’t he already know? He said you have a picture of me.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I do. But I never said who you were to him. We’ll tell him together, when he’s feeling better.”
“And if he’s better tomorrow, will we tell him then?” he asked, the tone of his voice implying that he expected me to say no.
But I’d meant what I said. Garrett was a growing boy who needed a father figure in his life. He was already noticing the fact that other kids at the daycare had daddies in their lives while he didn’t. I had fielded the questions he had so far, but I knew his curiosity would only make the situation more volatile. He needed to be told that he had a father who cared for him; I couldn’t deny him that any longer.
“Yes, Tucker,” I said. “I just want him to feel good when he gets the news.”
“Mommy?” the small voice drifting from the living room reached our ears before Tucker had a chance to respond to me. Both of our heads turned sharply toward the door before we both bolted out of the room.
I got to Garrett first. He was sitting up on the couch, the blanket pooled around his hips. His cute little mouth was stretched into a yawn as he rubbed his tired eyes.
I pulled him into a hug.
Tucker stood behind the couch, watching with a guarded expression.
When I kept the embrace too long, Garrett began to squirm. I let him go and smoothed his hair back from his face, checking his temperature and pleased to see that he felt cooler. His fever had broken.
“Did you have a good time with…Mr. James?” I asked. From the corner of my eye, I saw Tucker’s jaw clench.
Garrett glanced back at him and Tucker’s expression instantly changed. It was like watching the sun break through dark clouds.
I felt another wave of regret that turned my stomach.
Because of me, the two of them had both missed out on so much.
“Oh, that we did,” Tucker said, ruffling Garrett’s hair. “Didn’t we, buddy?”
“Yeah. Tucker – he told me I could call him that – and me are best friends now!” Garrett piped.
“That’s great,” I said, injecting false joy into my voice. “But you have to say goodbye to Tucker now. We gotta go, baby. You need to get to bed.”
“Awww, Mommy, do we have to? I want to watch Spiderman with Tucker again. He promised we could.”
“And you will, just not right now.” I made my voice firm and Garrett settled down with a pout.
I went over to where his bag was on the table and shouldered it. I then turned to Tucker. “Is all his stuff in here?”
“Yeah,” he confirmed, looking at me with that cold expression again.
I turned away from it and went back to Garrett, lifting him in my arms. “Say goodbye to Tucker. You’ll see him again soon,” I said.
“Very s
oon,” Tucker interjected.
Once we were out the door, it closed behind us with such finality that I felt like I had just gotten my heart broken all over again.
“What's the matter, Mommy? You look sad,” Garrett said as I buckled him into his car seat. He touched my cheek, bringing my attention to the tear that had rolled down my cheek. I hadn’t even noticed I was crying.
“There must be something in the air. I’m okay,” I lied, quickly wiping the moisture away. My cheeks hurt from the awkward smile I gave him. “Everything’s fine.”
Yet, as I drove away from Tucker’s apartment, I knew this was far from over.
CHAPTER 19
Tucker
I paced my apartment long after Anna and Garrett left.
I had watched her taillights disappear and fought the urge to call them back. There was so much we still needed to discuss. So much I felt.
For her.
For him.
I also knew Anna and I needed some alone time to hash things out the right way.
The turbulent mixture of emotions made it impossible for me to sit still, especially when it felt like the walls of the apartment were closing in on me.
It didn’t take long to admit to myself what the real issue was. I missed them – both of them - and not even a half hour had passed since they’d left.
I still couldn’t believe that Anna had kept such a vital information from me. Yet the more I thought about it, the more I could see her point fof view.
I had mentally tapped out after my father’s death. It was like hitting an emotional wall I couldn’t climb over no matter how hard I tried.
Or how hard she tried.
Dad and I had never had a great relationship, and I had been resentful of the fact that he was often gone for so long due to his military involvement. To me, it felt like his squad was more his family than we were, and I was jealous.
With his death though, I felt that I had to follow in his footsteps. To see what he saw. To do what he did. To feel what he felt.
To understand why he chose his country over me and my mother…
In the end, this desire had made me turn away from the woman I loved, unknowingly at a time when she needed me most.
I knew all my anger wasn’t really directed at Anna. Some of it was directed at my God damned self. I didn’t regret my time of service, but I shouldn’t have left things with Anna the way I had. It was just that at the time, my mind had been void of anything else except for my need to be like my dad. In the process, I had abandoned everything else.
So was Anna right then? Had I been in a mental space that prevented me from being the best father I could have been to Garrett?
Would I have tried to come back to be part of his life if I had known about him, or would I have done just as my father had?
All the evidence pointed to me having done just as my father had.
Which meant I didn’t really have the right to punish Anna for taking what she felt was the best course of action.
There was really no use thinking about what could have been now though. The past was the past, and it couldn’t be changed.
Feeling the need to clear my head, I threw on a hoodie and some sneakers to go for a run.
As my feet hit the pavement in a rhythmic but punishing stride, I couldn’t help noticing the parents and guardians minding their kids. It was something I hadn’t focus on before, but now their pairings were glaringly obvious.
I saw kids smiling and talking animatedly. Running. Skipping. Laughing. Radiant in their innocence.
There was even one kid throwing a tantrum on the sidewalk of the park, leaving his mother looking embarrassed and rueful.
I wanted to experience all those moments with my own son - the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I wanted to take him for hikes through the park and teach him to ride a bike. I wanted to take him out for ice-cream and learn what his favorite foods were. I wanted to cheer him on when he excelled and help him dust himself off when he failed.
I wanted to be a part of my son's life in every possible way, no matter what I felt for his mother.
Anna.
Jesus, I was lying to myself if I said that even in my anger I didn’t want to be close to her. Because I did. I wanted her and Garrett and me to be something special.
Something like a family.
I returned to my apartment once it was dark outside and long passed the time kids should be out on the streets. I immediately headed for the shower and let the warm water do its work on my overheated muscles.
Later, I ordered a pizza and bit into the first slice while throwing back a beer. I watched television with the volume on mute as I watched Garrett’s favorite cartoon character throw webs and swing his way across the city.
Suddenly, I wanted to talk to Anna, needing to hear her tell me Garrett was okay.
It was already after 10 o’clock, but still, I couldn’t stop my fingers from dialing her number.
She answered on the second ring. “Hello?” she said hesitantly, sounding like she was already in bed. My mind instantly went to the gutter, imagining her in nothing but my t-shirt, waiting for me to do naughty things to her body…
I grew hard and I had to forcibly suppress the image to keep my body under control.
“Hi, Anna,” I said, also sounding hesitant. Now that her voice was ringing in my ear, I’d almost forgotten what I had called for.
“Is something wrong?” she asked when the silence stretched too long.
I shook my head to clear the webs. “Uh, no. Everything’s fine. I just called to check in with you guys. How's Garrett doing? Did he settle down okay?”
“Yeah, he’s fine. Kids get sick. It’s not the first time he’s come down with a bug. I doubt it’s serious, but I’ll book an appointment with his pediatrician tomorrow just to make sure…Would you like to come?”
“Of course,” I said, practically jumping at opportunity to see Garrett again. And Anna. “I would love to come.”
“I’ll call you when I know the details then. And I’ll keep you updated on how he is in the meantime.”
“Great. Thanks,” I said before my mind flatlined.
There was rustling on the line, like Anna was moving in her sheets.
The erotic image popped into my head again and my pants tented.
“He couldn’t stop singing your praises,” Anna said, interrupting the pause. “You’ve made quite the impression on him. He really likes you. That’s a good sign that things will work out, I think.”
Talk of developing a relationship with my child dampened my lust, making me want to focus on working things out with Anna instead imagining what color panties she had on.
“I would love that—for things to work out,” I said. “I want to have a relationship with him. I have to admit though, I’m scared of what it means to be a father. I don’t know how to be one, and I don’t want to make any mistakes.”
Anna laughed softly. “Parenting isn’t a perfect science. You’re going to make mistakes. You just have to learn from them and keep going. For what it’s worth, I think you’re going to be a great dad. Plus, I’m here to help make sure you guys develop a sturdy father-son relationship.”
“Thanks for saying that.” I sighed. “I didn’t mean to go off on you like that this afternoon. It was just a lot to take in, you know?”
“I know, and I understand. I probably wouldn’t have handled it much better if I was in your shoes.”
“I want us to be like a real family…”
“I’d like that too,” she said quietly.
For the first time since I finding out I had a son, my mind relaxed and I felt like things were actually going to work out.
CHAPTER 20
Anna
I wiped my sweaty palms down the front of my full-length jeans as I watched Garrett and Tucker get ice-cream from the vendor.
It was bright and sunny Saturday morning and we were all at the nearby park. Other families were running
around and spending quality time together.
A few days had passed since Garrett had recuperated from the stomach bug. After the doctor had given us the all-clear yesterday, Tucker and I had talked and agreed to tell Garrett the truth.
I was nervous and excited, and I thought Garrett would take the news well. He did, after all, want a guy in his life. And it helped that he was already in love with Tucker; he hadn’t stopped talking about him since the first day they met.
The two had been spending every available moment together. Even now, as they returned to me holding three ice-cream cones, I could see that Garrett was already adopting some of Tucker’s mannerisms.
Still, I worried things would fall apart at any second. I had stayed up late more than once, afraid that Garrett would be upset with the news.
I was sitting at one of the lunch tables situated strategically around the park. Garrett came to my side and sat down while Tucker sat opposite of us and handed me a vanilla-cherry ice-cream cone.
We made small talk as we ate. Tucker and Garrett discussed a cartoon show, allowing me to observe the interaction between the two of them for the most part.
Tucker was very patient and loving with Garrett, speaking as if he truly valued his opinion in their discussion—which I could tell he genuinely did.
I was a little unnerved by how hot I found him in daddy mode. Though there were other things on my mind, it didn’t stop me from secretly lusting after him.
I covertly checked him out. He had on shorts and a simple t-shirt that highlighted the hardness of his body, while sandals covered his feet. His outfit was almost identical to Garrett’s, who had only dressed after seeing what Tucker was wearing.
I, on the other hand, was in a floral sundress.
As it turned out, I wasn’t the only one to notice Tucker’s good looks. I had seen a few of the other moms and passing women checking him out and had ground my teeth more than once to suppress my jealousy even though I knew I had no right to feel so possessive over him. I had no claim to him and their admiring looks only made the fact more glaringly obvious to me.
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