The Plague, Pestilence & Apocalypse MEGAPACK™

by Robert Reed

  Baker wiped his forehead and looked down at his hands on the

  desk . “I said this is one minimum requirement . There are others,

  John .”

  “Oh, what else are we lacking?” Fenwick looked crestfallen for

  the first time.

  “I may as well be blunt,” said Baker . “There is no conceivable

  way in which Clearwater College can be issued a research grant

  for anything—and especially not for basic research in any field of

  physical science .”

  Fenwick just stared at him for a minute as if he couldn’t believe

  what he had heard, although it was the thing he had expected to hear

  since the moment he sat down .

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  He seemed deflated when he finally spoke. “I don’t think it was

  the intent of the Congressional Act that made these funds available,”

  he said, “that only the big, plush outfits should get all the gravy.

  There are plenty of smaller schools just like Clearwater who have

  first rate talent in their science departments. It isn’t fair to freeze us

  out completely—and I don’t think it’s completely legal, either .”

  “Clearwater is not being frozen out . Size has nothing to do with

  the question of whether an institution receives a grant from NBSD

  or not .”

  “When did you last give a grant to a college like Clearwater?”

  “I am afraid we have never given a grant to a college—like

  Clearwater,” said Baker carefully .

  Fenwick’s face began to grow more ruddy . “Then will you tell

  me just what is the matter with Clearwater, that we can’t get any

  Government research contract when every other Tom, Dick, and

  Harry outfit in the country can?”

  “I didn’t state my case in exactly those terms, John, but I’ll be

  glad to explain the basis on which we judge the qualifications of an

  institution to receive a grant from us .”

  Baker had never done this before for any unsuccessful applicant .

  In fact, it was the policy of the Bureau to keep the mysteries of the

  Index very carefully concealed from the public . But Baker wanted

  Fenwick to know what had hung him . It was the one more or less

  merciful thing he could do to show Fenwick what was wrong, and

  might be sufficient to shake him loose from his dismal association

  with Clearwater .

  Baker opened the file folder and Fenwick saw now that it was

  considerably fuller than he had first supposed. Baker turned the

  pages, which were fastened to the cover by slide fasteners . Chart

  after chart, with jagged lines and multicolored areas, flipped by un-

  der Baker’s fingers. Then Baker opened the accordian folds of a

  four-foot long chart and spread it on the desk top .

  “This is the Index,” he said, “a composite of all the individual

  charts which you saw ahead of it . This Index shows in graphical

  form the relationship between the basic requirements for obtaining

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  a research grant and the actual qualifications of the applicant. This

  line marks the minimum requirement in each area .”

  Baker’s finger pointed to a thin, black line that crossed the sheet.

  Fenwick observed that most of the colored areas and bars on the chart

  were well inside the area on Baker’s side of the line . He guessed that

  the significance of the chart lay in this fact.

  “I take it that Clearwater College is in pretty sad shape, chart-

  wise,” said Fenwick .

  “Very,” said Baker .

  “Can you tell me how these charts are compiled?”

  Baker turned back to the sheaf of individual charts . “Each item

  of data, which is considered significant in evaluating an applicant, is

  plotted individually against standards which have been derived from

  an examination of all possible sources of information .”

  “Such as?”

  “For example, the student burden per faculty Ph . D . That is shown

  on this chart here .”

  “The what? Say that again,” said Fenwick in bewilderment .

  “The number of students enrolled, plotted against the number of

  doctorate degrees held by the faculty .”

  “Oh .”

  “As you see, Clearwater’s index for this factor is dismally low .”

  “We’re getting a new music director next month . She expects to

  get her doctorate next summer .”

  “I’m afraid that doesn’t help us now . Besides, it would have to be

  in a field pertinent to your application to have much weight.”

  “George—”

  “Doesn’t help you at all for the present . You would require a

  minimum of two in the physics department alone . These two would

  have to be of absolutely top quality with a prolific publication re-

  cord . That would bring this factor to a bare minimum .”

  “You take the number of Ph . D .’s and multiply them by the num-

  ber of papers published and the years of experience and divide by

  the number of students enrolled . Is that the idea?”

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  “Roughly,” said Baker . “We have certain constants which we also

  inject . In addition, we give weight to other factors such as patents

  applied for and granted . Periods of consultation by private industry,

  and so on . Each of these factors is plotted separately, then combined

  into the overall Index .”

  Baker turned the pages slowly, showing Fenwick a bleak record

  of black boundary lines cutting through nearly virginal territory on

  the charts. Clearwater’s evaluation was reflected in a small spot of

  color near the bottom edge .

  Fenwick stared at the record without expression for a long time .

  “What else do you chart?” he said finally.

  “The next thing we evaluate is the performance of students grad-

  uated during the past twenty-five years.”

  “Clearwater is only ten years old,” said Fenwick .

  “True,” said Baker, “and that is why, I believe, we have obtained

  such an anomalous showing in the chart of this factor .”

  Fenwick observed that the colored area had made a considerable

  invasion on his side of the boundary on this chart . “Why anoma-

  lous? It looks like we make a pretty good showing here .”

  “On the face of it, this is true,” Baker admitted . “The ten-year

  record of the graduates of Clearwater is exceptional . But the past

  decade has been unusual in the scope of opportunities, you must

  admit .”

  “Your standard level must take this into account .”

  “It does . But somehow, I am sure there is a factor we haven’t

  recognized here .”

  “There might be,” said Fenwick . “There might be, at that .”

  “Another factor which contributes to the Index,” said Baker, “is

  the cultural impact of the institution upon the community . We mea-

  sure that in terms of the number and quality of cultural activities

  brought into the community by the university or college . We include

  concerts, lectures, terpsichorean activities, Broadway plays, and so

  on .”“Terpsichorean activities . I like tha
t,” said Fenwick .

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  “Primarily ballet,” said Baker .

  “Sure .”

  “Clearwater’s record here is very low . It fact, there isn’t any .”

  “This helps us get turned down for a research grant in physics?”

  “It’s a factor in the measurement of the overall status .”

  “Look,” said Fenwick, “the citizens of Clearwater are so infer-

  nally busy with their own shindigs that they wouldn’t know what

  to do if we brought a long-hair performance into town . If it isn’t

  square-dancing in the Grange Hall, it’s a pageant in the Masonic

  Temple . The married kids would probably like to see a Broadway

  play, all right, but they’re so darned busy rehearsing their own in the

  basement of the Methodist Church that I doubt they could find time

  to come . Besides that, there’s the community choir every Thursday,

  and the high school music department has a recital nearly every

  month . People would drop dead if they had any more to go to in

  Clearwater . I’d say our culture is doing pretty good .”

  “Folk activities are always admirable,” said Baker, “but improve-

  ment of the cultural level in any community depends on the injec-

  tion of outside influences, and this is one of the functions of the

  university . Clearwater College has not performed its obligation to

  the community in this respect .”

  Fenwick appeared to be growing increasingly ruddy . Baker

  thought he saw moisture appearing on Fenwick’s forehead .

  “I know this is difficult to face,” said Baker sympathetically, “but

  I wanted you to understand, once and for all, just how Clearwater

  College appears to the completely objective eye .”

  Fenwick continued to stare at him without comment . Then he

  said flatly, “Let’s see some more charts, Bill.”

  “Museum activities . This is an important function of a college

  level institution . Clearwater has no museum .”

  “We can’t afford one, in the first place. In the second place, I

  think you’ve overlooked what we do have .”

  “There is a Clearwater museum?” Baker asked in surprise .

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  “Two or three hundred of them, I guess . Every kid in the county

  has his own collection of arrowheads, birds’ eggs, rocks, and stuffed

  animals .”

  “I’m not joking, John,” said Baker bleakly . “The museum aspect

  of the college is extremely important .”

  “What else?” said Fenwick .

  “I won’t go into everything we evaluate . But you should be aware

  of several other factors pertaining to the faculty, which are evalu-

  ated . We establish an index of heredity for each faculty member .

  This is primarily an index of ancestral achievement .”

  Fenwick’s color deepened . Baker thought it seemed to verge on

  the purple . “Should I open the window for a moment?” Baker asked .

  Fenwick shook his head, his throat working as if unable to speak .

  Then he finally managed to say, “Apart from the sheer idiocy of it,

  how did you obtain any information in this area?”

  Baker ignored the comment, but answered the question . “You

  filled out forms. Each faculty member filled out forms.”

  “Yeah, that’s right . I remember . Acres of forms . None of us

  minded if it was to help get the research grant . We supposed it was

  the usual Government razzmatazz to keep some GS-9 clerk busy .”

  “Our forms are hardly designed to keep people busy . They are

  designed to give us needed information about applicant institutions .”

  “And so you plot everybody’s heredity .”

  “As well as possible . You understand, of course, that the data are

  necessarily limited .”

  “Sure . How do our grandpas stack up on the charts?”

  “Not very well . Among Clearwater’s total faculty of thirty-eight

  there were no national political figures through three generations

  back . There was one mayor, a couple of town councilmen, and a

  state senator or two . That is about all .”

  “Our people weren’t very politically minded .”

  “This is a measure of social consciousness and contemporary

  evaluation .”

  Fenwick shrugged . “As I said, we aren’t so good at politics .”

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  “Achievements in welfare activities are similarly lacking . No no-

  table intentions or discoveries, with the exception of one patent on a

  new kind of beehive, appear in the record .”

  “And this keeps us from getting a research grant in physics? What

  did our progenitors do, anyway? Get hung for being horse thieves?”

  “No criminal activities were reported by your people, but there is

  a record of singular restlessness and dissatisfaction with established

  conditions .”

  “What did they do?”

  “They were constantly on the move, for the most part . In the

  eighteenth and nineteenth centuries they were primarily pioneers,

  frontiersmen, settlers of new country . But when the country was es-

  tablished they usually packed up and went somewhere else . Rovers,

  trappers, unsettled people .”

  “This is not good?” Fenwick glanced at the chart that was open

  now . It was almost uncolored .

  “I regret to say that such people are not classed as the stable ele-

  ment of communities,” said Baker . “We cannot evaluate the index

  of hereditary accomplishment for the Clearwater faculty very high .”

  “It appears that our grandpas were among those generally given

  credit for getting things set up,” said Fenwick .

  “Such citizens are indeed necessary,” said Baker . “But our index

  evaluates stability in community life and accomplishments with

  long-range effects in science and culture .”

  “We haven’t got much of a chance then, grandpa being foot-loose

  as he was .”

  “Other factors could completely override this negative evalua-

  tion . You see, this is the beauty of the Index; it doesn’t depend on

  any one factor or small group of factors . We evaluate the whole

  range of factors that have anything to do with the situation . Weak-

  nesses in one spot may be counterbalanced by strength in others .”

  “It looks like Clearwater is staffed by a bunch of bums without

  any strong spots .”

  “I wouldn’t say it in such terms, but the reason I am pointing

  these things out to you, John, is to try to persuade you to disassociate

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  yourself from such a weak organization and go elsewhere . You have

  fine talents of your own, but you have always had a pattern of as-

  sociating with groups like this one at Clearwater . Don’t you see now

  that the only thing for you to do is go somewhere where there are

  people capable of doing things?”

  “I like Clearwater . I like the people at the College . Where else are

  we in the bums category?”

  Baker suddenly didn’t want to go on . The whole thing had be-

  come distasteful to him . “There are a go
od many others . I don’t

  think we need to go into them . There is the staff reading index, the

  social activity index, wardrobe evaluation, hobbies, children—ac-

  tual and planned .”

  “I want to hear about them,” said Fenwick . “That wardrobe

  evaluation—that sounds like a real fascinating study .”

  “Actually, it’s comparatively minor,” said Baker . “Our psycholo-

  gists have worked out some extremely interesting correlations, how-

  ever . Each item of a man’s wardrobe is assigned a numerical rating .

  Tuxedo, one or more . Business suits, color and number . Hunting

  jackets . Slacks . Sport coats . Work shoes . Dress shoes . Very interest-

  ing what our people can do with, such information .”

  “Clearwater doesn’t rate here?”

  Baker indicated the chart . “I’m afraid not . Now, this staff reading

  index is somewhat similar . You recall the application forms asked

  for the number of pages of various types of material read during

  the past six months—scientific journals, newspapers, magazines,

  fiction.”

  “I suppose Clearwater is a pretty illiterate bunch,” said Fenwick .

  Baker pointed soundlessly to the graph .

  “Hobbies and social activities are not bad,” Baker said, after a

  time . “Almost up to within ten points of the standard . A few less

  bingo parties and Brownie meetings and that many more book

  reviews or serious soirees would balance the social activity chart .

  If the model railroad club were canceled and a biological activity

  group substituted, the hobby classification would look much better.

  Then, in the number of children, actual and planned, Clearwater is

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  definitely out of line, too. You see, the standard takes the form of the

  well-known bell-shaped curve . Clearwater is way down on the high

  side .”

  “Too much biological activity already,” Fenwick murmured .

  Baker looked up . “What was that? I didn’t hear what you said .”

  Fenwick leaned back and extended his arms on the desk . “I said

  your whole damned Index is nothing but a bunch of pseudo-intel-

  lectual garbage .”

  Baker felt the color rising in his face, but he forced himself to

  remain calm . After a moment of silence he said . “Your emotional

  feelings are understandable, but you must remember that the Index

  permits us to administer accurately the National Science Develop-