by SJ McCoy
~ ~ ~
It was dark by the time Ivan got home. He wasn’t a fan of the cold, short days at this time of year. He pulled into the garage, grateful that all the lights came on automatically both around and inside the house.
He opened the door to the kitchen and stopped as the light flickered on. Everyone kept getting after him about making this place more like a home. Maybe he should take a leaf out of Abbie’s book and decorate for Christmas. He could get a tree, maybe ask her to go back to the lot with him next weekend. He smiled, liking that idea. He’d run it by her later.
He’d come home because he’d felt that she and her mom needed some time alone. Her mom had acted all bright and happy—and he didn’t doubt that she was happy to have him around. But there was an undercurrent of sadness, too. She’d smiled a lot, but her eyes were a little too bright at times. He figured that she and Abbie needed to decorate their tree without him there. Even if he hoped he might become a part of their little family unit over time—and if he was honest, that was exactly what he was starting to want—he knew they needed to share their memories and their sadness by themselves.
Abbie had said she might come by tonight. Her mom had insisted that she should—she’d even threatened to get her sewing machine and country music out again. That had made him laugh. She knew her daughter well. But Abbie knew her, too, and when she’d walked Ivan to his car when he left, she’d told him that she’d need to play it by ear. Decorating the tree would be hard on her mom, and she might not want to leave her alone later.
He went through to the living room and smiled at the picture on the wall. He wouldn’t ever have picked it out, but it went well with the décor. It was a photo of a storm over the ocean, with the sun shining just above the horizon. He liked the way the colors looked, but more than that, he liked the way it made him feel. The sun peeking out after a storm gave him hope. His storms were a long way behind him these days, and he was ready for a new beginning.
His cell phone rang in his back pocket, and he pulled it out. He grimaced when he saw Neil’s name on the display. Damn. He felt bad. How was Neil going to feel when he learned about him and Abbie? By the sounds of it, he wouldn’t be too upset that she was seeing someone else. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that Ivan had helped him get prepared for his date with her, and now he was the one seeing her. He stared at the name on the screen, feeling like an asshole. He should answer, but he didn’t know what to say—and he couldn’t not say anything.
It stopped ringing, and he waited, hoping that Neil would leave him a message. After a few moments, it beeped, indicating that he had.
Ivan blew out a sigh and hit the button, wondering what he was going to hear.
“Hi, Ivan. It’s Neil. I know I said I’d call you on Saturday and let you know how my date went. But it didn’t work out the way I expected. I feel pretty dumb, to be honest. I … I don’t know. I guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow. There’s no need to call me back if you get this. I hope you’ve had a good weekend. Bye.”
Ivan nodded to himself as he hung up. Of course. Tomorrow at work would be soon enough to explain himself. He wasn’t worried about Neil being mad at him. He just felt like an asshole. He’d helped Neil figure out what to wear on the date, and then he’d gone out with Abbie—had sex with her—the very next day. That wasn’t something a friend did, and he knew that Neil saw him as a friend—the only friend he’d made here. All he could do was be honest with the guy. If he and Abbie had hit it off, he would have respected that. He’d only been trying to respect what she said she wanted.
He went and stood in front of the windows and looked out into the darkness. He’d have to talk to Abbie later, whether she came over or not. He wanted to know more about this girl who Neil liked. Maybe he could help him get a date with her instead.
~ ~ ~
Abbie stood back and looked at the tree. “It’s beautiful, Mom.”
Her mom smiled. “It is. We did a good job of it.”
“Are you okay?”
“I am, love. You know what I’m thinking.”
“Of course, I do.” Abbie sniffed. She’d been trying not to cry herself. When she was a little kid, the three of them had always decorated the tree together. In the last few years, before her dad died, she hadn’t been home to do it with them. She supposed that was normal. Kids grew up and moved away and weren’t there for all the little moments like that. But still … she wished that she’d gotten to share even just one more Christmas with them both. She could come home because her dad had died—why hadn’t she been smart enough to come home and enjoy the time with him while he was still here?
Her mom came and wrapped her in a hug. “Don’t look like that. He loved you.”
Abbie nodded, determined not to cry. “I just wish …”
“We can wish all we want, Abbs, it doesn’t change anything; it only makes us feel worse. I wish a lot of things, too, but it’s better to focus on the good things.”
“What’s good about any of it? He’s gone.”
“It only hurts so much because we loved him so much. Instead of being sad that we don’t have that anymore, we need to be grateful that we had him at all. I had the best husband I could ever have hoped for. You had the best dad. A lot of people don’t ever get to know that kind of love in their lives. Yes, it was cut short, but we were lucky to have him at all. I try to be grateful for that. I try to focus on that.”
Abbie stood back and wiped her eyes. “You’re so strong, Mom.”
Her mom gave her a sad smile. “Only because I don’t have any choice. I wasn’t strong in the beginning; I was falling apart. But you held me together. Now, all we can do is make the most of what is. And for you, that happens to be a very sweet and good-looking guy who’s sitting at home right now, wondering if he’ll get to see you again tonight.”
Abbie smiled. Ivan had been so sweet—so understanding.
“I think you should go over there.”
“No, I want to be here with you.”
“Thanks, but I need to be by myself, Abbs.”
“Are you just saying that because you want me to go and see Ivan? You don’t need to worry, you know. He understands.”
“I’m not just saying it. It’s what I want. I want to be with my memories, and I want you to go and make some new memories with your new man.”
“But …”
Her mom held up a hand. “Are you telling me you don’t want him to be your man?”
She shook her head slowly. She’d decided she was going to be honest with Ivan and her mom about the way she felt. “No. That’s what I’m hoping for. But I want to be with you while you’re sad—while I’m sad.”
“I know, but I think you should let him be there for you while you’re sad. He wants to be. So, let him. If you close him out of the real stuff and only let him in for the fun stuff, that’s not letting him be your man; that’s just making him another guy you date.
Abbie held her gaze for a long moment, wanting to argue, but knowing she was right.
“Go on. Go see him and remember, I don’t expect you home.”
Abbie smiled. “I’ll be home. I have work in the morning.”
She pulled up outside Ivan’s house and looked around as the lights came on over the front door. It opened, and he came out to greet her.
He reached the car as she opened the door and greeted her with a hug.
She clung to him for a moment, understanding the truth of what her mom had said. If she’d stayed home tonight, she would have had to be the strong one, being there for her mom. Her mom insisted that wasn’t what she wanted, and now Ivan was being the strong one for her.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “Was that rough?”
“It was bittersweet. We cried, of course. But Mom's doing her best to find the positives. She told me it only hurts so much because we loved him so much.”
“She’s a smart lady, your mom. Come on in.”
He took her coat in the hallway and hung i
t in the closet.
“Do you realize you’ve never told me about your family?” Abbie asked with a frown. “We’ve spent so much time talking about me and my mom and dad, what about you?”
He shrugged. “My parents are both gone.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shrugged again. “Thanks. That’s why I said your mom’s a smart lady. It’s different for me. The two of you hurt so much over your dad because you loved him so much—and he loved you. It wasn’t like that for me. My dad was hardly ever around when I was a kid. I think he’s dead; that’s what I heard. My mom died twelve years ago while I was in the army. I hadn’t seen her in a couple of years before that.”
“Wow.” Abbie couldn’t imagine what that must have been like. She’d drifted away from her parents, but nothing like that.
He smiled. “It is what it is. In a way, you’re lucky to hurt the way you do over your dad because it means you lost something wonderful.”
She gave him a half smile. She could see the logic—especially coming from his point of view, but she didn’t think she’d ever believe she was lucky to have lost her dad.
“Anyway. Come on through. Do you want a drink?”
“Do you have any juice or soda? I don’t want anything stronger than that.”
He chuckled as he opened the fridge. “You don’t want me getting you tipsy and taking advantage?”
She laughed. “I don’t need to be tipsy for that—I was planning on taking advantage of you. It’s just that I have work in the morning. Mondays are busy, and I need a clear head.”
His smile disappeared as he poured two glasses of apple juice.
“What’s wrong?”
“Just talking about work tomorrow.”
“I thought you loved your job.”
“I do. It’s just that Neil left me a message a little while ago. He wanted to tell me how his date turned out. He said he’ll tell me all about it tomorrow. I feel like a shit. I’ll have to tell him that I already know—and that I’ve been seeing you all weekend.”
Abbie’s heart sank. “God. I’m horrible. I didn’t even think. That’s an awful situation—for you and for him. And I’m the one who caused it.”
“You are not horrible! It’s just the way things worked out. I could have told him that I didn’t want to help him because I liked you myself—I could have been honest, but instead, I kept my mouth shut.”
“But only because you were respecting what I said I wanted.”
He gave her a rueful smile. “Yeah, even though I knew you were being a fool.”
She laughed. “You did, huh?”
He nodded. “You’d have to be a fool to turn me down when it’s so obvious that we’re meant to be.”
Her heart hammered in her chest.
“You told me yourself; we’re the same kind of animal.”
She looked up into his eyes. “You really think we’re meant to be?”
He lowered his head until his lips were almost touching hers. “I want to. Do you?”
She nodded as her chest filled with warmth. “I want to.”
This kiss was different. It filled her with longing for him, as his kisses always did, but it was gentler, more tender. It gave her hope that there was so much more to explore between them than what they could discover in bed.
When he finally lifted his head, she reached up and touched his cheek.
“I think we’re onto something here, Abbie.”
She smiled. She did, too.
His phone rang, and they both started. He made a face. “Damn. I hope that’s not Neil again.”
She felt bad.
He looked at the display and shook his head. “It’s Colt. I can call him back tomorrow.”
When it had stopped ringing, she reached up and kissed his lips. “Maybe you should call him back now. I have a call I need to make myself.”
He frowned. “Right now?”
“Yeah. I should be the one to tell Neil about you and me. You shouldn’t have to deal with that when you get to work tomorrow.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, you said you feel bad about it. You shouldn’t have to. That whole thing was my fault, and I need to be the one to make it right. I’ll tell him.” She smiled. “And maybe I’ll offer to put a good word in for him with the girl at the library.”
“If you’re sure.”
“I am. I feel like I’m finally ready to start getting things right, and that means fixing my screw-ups in the right way—instead of making things worse like I was doing before. You call Colt. I’m going to call Neil.”
Chapter Fourteen
Ivan was edgy when he got to work on Monday morning. Abbie had told him that Neil was cool. Apparently, he’d even told Abbie that he could see her being with Ivan much more easily than he could ever see her being with him.
Still, he couldn’t help feeling ill at ease as he unlocked the office and turned the lights on. Abbie had wanted to be the one to talk to Neil—since she was the one who’d gone out with him. And Ivan understood that. He appreciated that she was trying to make up for her mistakes. But part of him still wished that he’d talked to Neil, man to man. Oh well. He’d talk to him when he came in, and then hopefully, it’d all be behind them.
He went into his office and booted up his computer then went to the break room to start the coffee.
He turned at the sound of Neil clearing his throat behind him.
“Oh. Hi. You’re early.”
Neil nodded. “Morning. I wanted a word.”
Ivan’s heart sank. He probably wanted to tell him he was a shit.
“Sure. The coffee will be ready in a minute. Fire away. I deserve it.”
Neil looked puzzled. “You sound as though I’m going to be mad at you.”
“You aren’t?”
“No. I wanted to thank you. I had no idea that you liked Abbie. I would never have asked her out if I’d known.”
“I should have said something, but she told me she wasn’t interested. And she was interested in you.”
Neil came in and sat down at the table. “She wasn’t, though, was she? Just like I wasn’t really interested in her. I’m glad she called me last night. She said you wanted to talk to me yourself, but it was better that she and I spoke. I don’t think I would have been able to admit to you—or to myself if I were talking to you—that on some level, I knew you were the one she liked. I even tried to dress like you.”
“I shouldn’t have let you do that.”
Neil laughed. “I didn’t give you much choice. I asked you to help me and then told you exactly what I wanted. I wanted to look like you, be cool like you.”
Ivan blew out a sigh. He didn’t exactly think of himself as cool.
“It’s okay. Abbie and I both learned something important from the whole experience.”
Ivan raised an eyebrow.
“If you think about it, she was trying to be someone else just as much as I was.”
Ivan didn’t need to think about it. He remembered the way she’d been dressed on Friday night—he’d thought she was a middle-aged woman.
“She thought she needed to be with someone like me and tried to dress in a way she thought I’d like. Just the same as I did. That helped us both see that we wouldn’t be happy if we weren’t ourselves.”
Ivan nodded.
“It’s true for all of us. If we have to change who we are so that someone else will like us—it will never work. Instead of me dressing like you and Abbie dressing like Merry, it’s better if we’re all honest and go for the people we really like.”
Ivan frowned. “I understand Abbie’s reasons. She thought she needed to be with someone like you—someone dependable and responsible, with a good job and great prospects. Do you mind if I ask what your reasoning was?”
Neil shrugged. “I thought I wanted to be one of the cool kids. You know? I’ve always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Not quite cool enough, not quite good enough. I thought if someone like Ab
bie wanted to go out with me, that would show that I was good enough.”
Ivan shook his head. “You’re good enough just the way you are.”
“I know, but it doesn’t always feel that way.”
“What if I told you that Abbie felt the same way—that if someone like you wanted to go out with her, that would show that she was good enough.”
Neil smiled. “You don’t need to tell me that; she already told me herself. I had no idea. It seems we were both way off the mark. But more importantly, we helped each other figure something out.”
“Yeah?”
Neil nodded. “Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this. Maybe I should let her tell you herself, but maybe she won’t, so … You see, I know Merry is my kind of person. Abbie knew you were her kind of person. But we both have self-esteem issues. If we’re not good enough—and you’re just like us, then maybe someone very different would be better.”
Ivan frowned.
“I thought I’d be cooler if I went out with Abbie. But cool doesn’t do much for me. Abbie thought I was the more sensible choice—but sensible doesn’t do much for her.”
“I can see that.”
Neil smiled. “So, now it’s all sorted out. Everyone’s happy. No hard feelings.”
“Thanks. But wait … Abbie and I got together, that’s all good, but what about you and Merry?”
Neil gave him a rueful smile. “That’s the downside of being me. I’m still too scared to ask her out. What if she says no?”
“How can she say yes if you never ask?”
Neil shrugged.
“You should ask her.”
“I need to get up the nerve first.”
“The longer you think about it, the less likely it is to happen.”
“Morning.”
They both turned when Allie came in.
“Morning.”
“How was your weekend?”
“Good, thanks. How about you?” asked Ivan.