I figured I’d been lucky all those years that my gyno recommended I get tested for everything even though I’d reassured her that I could completely trust my husband.
Joke’s on me, I could trust him as far as I could throw him. That asshole.
“Let’s get you dressed,” I said, climbing out of bed and pushing thoughts of Tom way out of my head.
Meredith looked at me as if I’d lost my mind. “I’m dressed, Mom.”
I finally took a good look at her and realized that she was right. My phone rang and I looked to see who was calling. It was Piper.
It had been a few days since the incident at her house and I was steadily avoiding her calls as well as Carter’s.
I was irrationally furious with Piper. And when it came to Carter, I didn’t know how I felt, so I was avoiding his phone calls too.
“Alright kiddo, apparently you’re more of an adult than I am. Teach me your ways,” I said, bowing to her.
She laughed. “You’re too funny, Mommy. But now’s not the time for jokes. We have things to do. Get dressed. Fast!”
She gave me a sweet smile and headed out. I stood there with my mouth agape and then laughed. Who was this bossy elementary schooler and what had she done with my sweet daughter?
Bemused, I did as I was told and then together we headed to the car.
I was asking her about her class project when she cut me off saying, “Why aren’t you answering Auntie Piper’s calls? She’s called you like six times and you haven’t picked up. Aren’t you guys friends anymore? Best of friends?”
I looked at her through my rearview mirror and instantly felt terrible. Her voice held so much concern. My heart went out to my considerate, thoughtful, sensitive daughter who was a way better person than I ever would be. Instead of her learning from me, it would serve me well to learn from her. Her viewpoint of the world wasn’t necessarily innocent, but she was a practical person who didn’t hold grudges or harbor any ill-will towards others. While I’d spent the past year bitter and angry, she had gracefully accepted that her life as she knew it was changing, but instead of being angry and uncompromising, she had tried to make the best of out a less than desirable situation.
At that moment, I knew I had to do better. So far the only thing I managed to accomplish was to alienate one of my best friends, ignore the other, and get fired.
What type of example was I setting for Meredith? I was a mess. My life was a mess and it was all because of my choices. I vowed from that moment on to make better choices. Beginning now…
“You know, you’re amazing,” I said to her, totally off topic, but I wanted her to know how special she was to me.
She grinned. “So are you, but you’re trying to change the subject.”
“Gosh, you’re a smarty-pants.”
“Just like my mother,” she said in a sing-song voice.
I guffawed. How could I be in a bad mood when I had such a great kid?
“Well, Auntie Piper and I had an argument.”
“About what?”
Yikes. I didn’t know how to answer that one. What should I say? Well, your father cheated on me for years and I knew nothing about it. But it’s cool, we’re even since I cheated on your father with the guy who is now your principal.
Nope. I wasn’t going to say that. That was even too much daytime talk show-like drama for me to take.
“Sometimes adults have disagreements.”
“Oh,” she said sadly. “You guys had a fight?”
Her voice was so sad. I instantly rushed to reassure her. “No… just a little fight. About something that happened a long, long, long time ago.”
“If it happened a long time ago, then why are you still mad now?”
I sighed to myself. Again, Meredith was wiser and a better person than her mother. Why was I angry with Piper?
I could lie to myself and say I was unhappy with her because she had lied to me by omission, but nope, that’s not why I was angry.
It was what she said about me not believing her. She had been right. I’d convinced myself that every piece of evidence of Tom’s infidelities had all been in my mind. The text messages he received when we were together. The excuses for why I could never visit him at his apartment. There had been so many red flags and I’d ignored them all. Well, all but one. And the one I hadn’t ignored had directly led me to finding solace in Carter’s arms.
But now I wondered if Tom’s infidelities had just been my excuse to run to Carter. I didn’t want to think too deeply about that and instead focused on Meredith’s questions.
“Sometimes adults do really stupid things. And you made me realize that being mad at your Auntie Piper is really stupid.”
She nodded like a sage satisfied by a deduction her student had made.
“Exactly, Mom. So just tell Auntie Piper you’re sorry for being mad and then everything will be okay again.”
“You think so?” I said, needing reassurance and laughing at myself from getting it from a five-year-old.
“Mom, it’s Auntie Piper. She’s like the nicest person in the world,” Meredith said, rolling her eyes as if I were the stupidest person in the world.
“You’re right.”
“And I don’t think she’s mad at you anymore because if she was mad at you she wouldn’t call you ALL the time.”
I laughed. “You’re so smart. You know that?”
“Yep. You tell me that every day.”
We pulled up to the drop-off line and I was careful not to hit anybody this time. I waved goodbye to her as she climbed out the car.
“Have a great day, sweetheart!”
“You too, Mom. Have fun at work.”
I tried not to grimace at her parting words. I hadn’t told her that I’d been fired. I knew she would worry about me and I couldn’t have that.
I was scared that Carter would be waiting for me and planned to ambush me and force me to talk to him in the drop-off line, but he was nowhere to be found.
I breathed a sigh of relief and drove off. I could only deal with fixing up one relationship at a time. I would start off with Piper first and then contact Carter, I told myself.
It felt good to have a plan, but my first order of business needed to be finding a job.
I’d already submitted at least fifty job applications over the past few days and I hadn’t received one call back. But I knew that was the norm. I just needed to work harder or network. Whatever it was people did to find a job. I felt so foolish. I didn’t even know how to find a job because my husband had just taken care of me. And once he stopped taking care of me, I had to find out how to do all of this on my own. It made me feel so ridiculous.
But enough about my own insecurities, I needed to just suck it up and ask for help. I found a number to a temp agency that was hiring and immediately submitted an application online. To my surprise, I got a call an hour later.
“Hi, Can I speak to Dana Duran?”
“Yes, this is Dana,” I said nervously jumping off the couch where I’d been binging on Netflix while continuing to fill out various applications.
I paced the floor, hoping that I sounded professional. I also happened to have a mouth full of dark chocolate almonds in my mouth. Dark chocolate was the only treat I allowed myself to have often. I told myself it was okay because dark chocolate was rumored to be healthy and well, almonds were healthy too… just covered in yumminess.
“We have an administrative assistant position available in the downtown area. We’re trying to fill the position immediately. If you would be interested in interviewing for it, we have a spot available for you at four pm today.”
Four? I had to pick up Meredith at four.
“Is four the only time available?”
“Hold for me. I’ll check.”
I started pacing the floor again while I waited on the line. The hold music was 80’s pop. I started singing along to “Oh Mickey,” when the secretary came back on the line.
“I’m sorry, four
o’clock is the only time Michelle has available.”
I had to think quickly. I chewed on my lip. Our savings were already running dry. I needed a new job and I needed one stat or I would have to start selling my body on the street corner for oatmeal and chocolate covered almonds.
“I’ll be there. Can I get the address?”
Five minutes later, I was off the phone, but I had no idea what I was going to do about Meredith’s pick-up time.
I didn’t want to call Tom. And there was no way I was going to explain to Becca that I was going to a job interview. I knew she would immediately feel sorry for me and ask me if I was poor.
Instead, I reached for the phone and called the one person I knew would have no problem with my last-minute request.
Hours later, I pulled up to a small craftsman style home that stood out from the rest of the neighborhood just because of its size. It seemed that the neighborhood was being regentrified. Giant townhomes that clearly didn’t belong on such small plots of land dotted the neighborhood on either side. And across from the giant three-story townhomes were McMansions.
Carter’s place was clearly one of the original homes and if the outside was any indication, it seemed as if it had been recently remolded and renovated.
I opened the quaint gate that was covered in lovely ivy vines and noted the smell of midnight blooming jasmines in the air. I wondered briefly if Carter had planted them himself. There were rows of flowers on one side of his home and it was clear that they were lovingly maintained. I didn’t know Carter was into gardening, I thought, but there was probably a lot I didn’t know about the man that I’d considered my best friend. And who on two occasions already had been my lover.
I pushed those thoughts away as I rang his doorbell. It was dark, and the porch light shot on immediately.
“Who is it?” I heard him call through the door before he looked out the peephole.
I gave him a wane smile and said, “It’s me, Dana.”
I heard the doors unlocking and then finally he opened it.
“Sorry,” he said with a shrug. “Can never be too careful.”
“Yeah, an alien could have invaded my body and who knows what would have happened if you opened the door.”
He laughed. “Still into sci-fi, I see?”
“You would be right.” I looked around his home, seeking out Meredith.
“She passed out on the floor over there after I won a few games of Candyland.”
I walked over to her. It looked like Carter had put a throw over her and placed one of the pillows from the couch under her head.
“She looks so peaceful,” I said with a smile. I always smiled when I saw her sleeping. She always looked so innocent.
“I tried to make sure she was comfortable. I would have picked her up and moved her into the guest bedroom, but I didn’t want her to wake up in a strange room and panic.”
I nodded. “That was thoughtful of you.”
He shrugged like it was no big deal. But it was.
“Once again, you’ve come to my rescue.”
“That’s what friends are for, right?”
I leaned against one of the columns in his home and took a moment to look around. He had a large fireplace that took up most of the living room. Some people might have considered the original brick old-fashioned, but I thought it looked homey and cozy. There was a fire burning and I sat down next to it and stretched out my feet.
Carter joined me, and we sat there for a moment not saying anything.
I started first.
“I guess we should talk about what happened the other day.”
He looked towards the room where Meredith was, as if to make sure she was asleep.
“Don’t worry,” I said with a wry smile, “When she’s asleep, she’s out. She won’t overhear us.”
He nodded and then said, “I’m sorry for leaving abruptly.”
I held my hands out in front of the fire, enjoying the warmth whilst trying to come up with something to say that felt right. But I couldn’t come up with anything.
“When you sprinted to the bathroom, I just tried to get out of there as fast as I could. I felt terrible—”
“Me too,” I said quickly. “I mean, we should have never have let that happen.”
He looked at me quizzically. “To be clear, I feel terrible that we defiled Piper’s couch. I don’t have any regrets about what happened between us… do you?”
I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t want to hurt him, but what other choice did I have? I guess my silence stretched too long because he began speaking again.
“I’m going to take your silence to mean you don’t feel the same way.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t say anything.” He sighed. “How long are we going to do this same old dance, Dana?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, not understanding him.
“You know how I feel about you.”
I turned to look at him then and he took that moment to take my hand in his. I stared into his eyes, clearly seeing love there. He looked at me in a way that Tom never did.
“I… it’s not that easy for me, Carter,” I said nervously, licking my lips. His eyes followed the movement.
He didn’t say anything. He just reached for my face and cupped my chin in his hand. He gently stroked my face.
“I have no interest in complicating your life… I just want to be a part of it.”
“You are a part of it.”
“I don’t want to just be your old buddy from college. Our relationship was never that simple.”
“Yes, it was,” I said combatively. “Until I ruined things.”
“Ruined things? Being with you that night didn’t ruin anything for me. Sorry if you feel differently.” His words weren’t angry, just matter of fact.
“I don’t know how I feel. I just know what we did… back then… was wrong.”
He didn’t look convinced. “Is it wrong to be with the person you love?”
My heart skipped a beat and I could no longer meet his eyes. I knew. I always knew. But our timing had always been off. I would never forget when I met Carter. I’d instantly said to myself that he was the type of guy that I wanted to marry.
But he hadn’t seemed interested in me and he had had plenty of girls vying for his attention. I’d settled with just being his friend. And he had been a great friend and I’d made myself not want anything with him more than friendship. And then I’d met Tom and figured my infatuation with Carter would just disappear if I dated Tom more, until eventually Tom and I were an item.
I’d just stuck with the script I thought my life had written me. Up until that night… that night that I’d found a pair of panties that weren’t mine in Tom’s car.
I could remember that night as if it were yesterday. I’d borrowed Tom’s car to pick up something to eat. I’d dropped my wallet on the passenger seat and of course, since I was a reckless driver back then, I’d taken a corner too fast and my wallet had disappeared under the seat.
While looking for it, my hand had closed over something that felt like paper, but it was cold. Upon further investigation, I found out that it was an empty condom wrapper and lying right next to it had been a pair of panties.
And they were definitely not mine.
I’d been so upset that I’d driven like a mad woman out of the drive-thru line and headed straight to the campus.
I’d marched up the stairs of my dorm, threw open my door, and proceeded to scream at the top of my lungs at Tom who had been sleeping in my bed. He had sat up, totally unaware of what was going on.
But I had the evidence. I pulled the panties and condom wrapper out of my pocket and tossed them at him.
He easily dodged them and then picked them up.
“You’re a fucking cheater! How could you do this to me?” I’d yelled, slamming the door behind me. I’d heard murmurs in the hall, but I wasn’t done yet. If I was going to get kicked out of the
dorm for going crazy on my boyfriend, so be it.
He hadn’t responded immediately. Instead, he had had the audacity to yawn and stretch, taking his time to answer me.
I’d been livid. Livid.
“Answer me,” I shouted, slamming my hand down on my dresser so hard that pain radiated up my arm.
“Calm down,” he said with a sigh as if I was some disobedient child that he just happened to tolerate. “I let Jeff borrow my car and apparently he had a wild night. That’s not a crime.”
“You’re a liar,” I said hotly, crossing my arms.
“Stop the name calling,” he said, “I told you what happened, so you can either accept the truth or continue acting like a petulant child. Your choice.”
And then like that he had tossed the two items on the floor and laid back down in my bed, facing away from me.
“That’s it… that’s all you have to say?” I said, my voice cracking.
“You’re being emotional and childish right now,” he said, finally flipping over and arrogantly placing his arms behind his head.
“Emotional and childish?” I sobbed, my anger disappearing and easily replaced by hurt. “Look what I found in your car!” I yelled, pointing at where he’d discarded the items.
“I’m done discussing this,” he said, yet again flipping over. “Wake me up when you grow up.”
At that moment a knock sounded on my room door. I snatched the door open and my resident advisor stood there looking concerned. There was a crowd of onlookers around, openly gawking, not even bothering to look discreet.
“Are you okay?” The resident advisor asked me. Her name was Susan and she was a sweetheart.
I looked behind me toward Tom who hadn’t even bothered to face us and tried to keep additional tears from falling as I turned back to Susan.
“I’m fine. I just… I just need some air.”
I stepped across the threshold and slammed my door shut, startling Susan and everyone else who looked on.
But I didn’t care as I headed to the other side of campus. I cried the whole time as I walked. I’d had my suspicions. I just never had any concrete evidence. It felt like such a slap in the face. I wiped at my tears and stopped in the middle of the green to compose myself when someone called out to me.
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