by J. K Harper
"So how far along on it are you?" she asked. There was a pause. She looked at him again and caught a flash of something on his face that she couldn't quite read. She waited quietly, just like he'd done for her earlier. But instead of answering, he pointed ahead of them.
"There's our lunch spot. Go on and take a look, pretty Haley."
Haley looked and inhaled with quick delight. Ahead of them, the little trail through the trees suddenly opened up in bright sunshine, seeming as if it dropped off into nothing but blue sky. She sped up, eager to see the special place this big, different, interesting guy wanted to take her. Funny how her ex, Justin, never liked to take her anywhere. She frowned away the unwelcome memory of him and looked ahead. Cortez chuckled behind her, but his footsteps quickened as well. Grinning, she trotted the last few yards to be sure she got there first. But when she was just past the trees and could see what opened up in front of her, all thoughts about a silly little footrace left her.
"Oh, wow, Cortez," she breathed, stunned. "This is spectacular." Before her, an enormous view spread, consisting of the snow-covered San Juans spanning out as far as the eye could see, the town of Deep Hollow tucked far below them, the pine-dotted white ridges and flanks of the mountains. The bluebird sky was so deep and pure in the Colorado sunshine that it seemed almost violet, contrasting sharply with the blazing white snow everywhere. The view was so immense, so breathtaking, that Haley just stared. Cortez stepped up beside her. He looked out over the view in what she thought was an equally appreciative silence. Her skin prickled in his presence, tingly and hyper aware of him.
Very quietly, half afraid to break the enormous beauty with the small sound of her voice, she asked him the same question she'd asked Jessie earlier. "Do you ever get used to it here? To how beautiful it is, I mean."
She saw him shake his head out of the corner of her eye. “Nope. This place gives me energy. It gives my bear space to roam, and it's home. It's where I work.”
She suddenly realized she had no idea what he did for a living. “Doing what?”
He gestured toward a long bench she hadn't even noticed, snugly nestled onto a block set on the ground, the base covered in snow although the entire bench itself had been carefully cleared. “We can eat here. Will you be warm enough?”
Definitely. She felt warm just at the fact that he cared. Her cheeks stretched even more into the smile she already wore. “I've got enough layers to stay very warm. Thanks.” Her stomach growled and she laughed at it. Settling onto the bench, she pulled out the rest of her sandwich, still wrapped in its paper towel.
Cortez settled in beside her, a huge presence of heat and strength and, oddly enough, something that felt like safety. He unwrapped his own sandwich, but before he took a bite, he answered her question. “I used to do construction around town, sometimes a job or two over in Durango. But things started drying up with the housing economy taking a crap, so I had to find something else.” He shrugged, and she suddenly felt him hesitate again. Like he wasn't sure how to say whatever he was going to say. “I have an outdoor guiding business. I run tours for the lodge. Just started doing it about three or four months ago.”
Tours? That sounded interesting. “What kind of tours?” she asked before taking a big bite of her sandwich. Dang, it was a really good sandwich. Cortez was a master sandwich-maker.
“Just about any kind of tour. This time of year I take folks snowshoeing, or out for a ride in the sleigh.”
Haley sat up straight and twisted a bit to look at him, her sandwich momentarily forgotten. “You take people on sleigh rides? Like with jingle bells and everything?” Her voice sounded high-pitched and her eyes were wide. A sleigh ride in the snow sounded like the most magical thing ever.
Cortez laughed at her expression, his face crinkling into the friendliness she realized must make him a great guide. That and the fact that he probably was really good at making everyone feel safe. “Exactly like that. And yeah, people love it.” His face darkened briefly. “Well, most people. Ones who aren't stuck-up panther shifters from the east coast out to have an adventure in the sticks.” He took a savage bite of his sandwich and chewed like he was imagining it was a pantherwich.
Her sandwich was the last thing on her mind now. Enormous kitties with sharp claws and big teeth filled it instead. “Uh...panther shifters?”
“Yeah, it's just another name for mountain lions.” Chomp as he savagely chewed another bite before going on. “I had some clients that were obnoxious and insisted on being called panthers. They were a massive pain in the ass.”
“I wouldn't be.” She imagined the sound of jingling bells, the whisper of sleigh runners over the snow. “I'd be so happy to go on a sleigh ride. I'd be the nicest client ever.”
Cortez said, in a super casual voice, “Well, I could take you some time. But I don't think you're allowed to have any fun. I'm pretty sure you have to spend all your time working. Work, work, work. Nothing but work.”
Haley bumped his shoulder with hers as hard as she could, uttering an indignant, “Hey!” Her shove barely moved him, though he grunted. But a big grin was on his face. Maybe a grin as big as hers.
Fine. This was fun. She was allowed to have fun for a minute, at least.
They sat in a companionable silence, finishing their sandwiches, brushing the crumbs off their laps into the snow. Cortez pulled out the little insulated bottles of hot cocoa and handed her one. As they sat and looked at the crazy gorgeous view, Haley felt more than just companionable. She felt totally comfortable. Relaxed. Like she belonged here. Here in these wild mountains, sitting beside this wild man. It just felt...right. But she did have a question. Slowly, carefully, she worked up her nerve to ask him.
“Cortez, about what you said the other morning.”
He stiffened beside her but nodded. He knew what she meant. She said it anyway, just to be sure. “What you said about enjoying every day until you die. That there are no second chances at life. What did you mean by that? Was it about Riley's...mate?” She kept her voice soft and her eyes trained on the faraway dark dots that were trees on the mountains.
Her heart thumped hard as she waited for his answer. It was a big question, a personal question. She really didn't know him well enough to ask it. Then again, he'd volunteered the information himself. She did the same thing when she wanted someone to really look at her. To see her. To listen to her. Just maybe, Cortez had that same deep longing. For some reason, she wanted him to know her—and she really, really wanted to know him.
He turned his head to look at her. His face was still, the smile gone, his eyes searching hers with a piercing gaze she could feel straight to her soul. She wanted to flinch but didn't, making herself sit still and look back at him, waiting. Whatever it was, she wanted to hear it.
He took a breath, held it for a moment, exhaled it slowly. "For years, I was a volunteer for the local search and rescue team. Was actually the head of it for a long time. Whenever anyone gets into trouble in the mountains out here, just out having fun and then something just goes wrong, they get hurt or lost, search and rescue is called up and we go out to find them. All of this, everything you can see out there,” he waved a hand to indicate the big expanse of mountains, “was our area. I know every inch of those mountains. My backyard, my playground, and when I was out on a call, my workplace.”
His voice lowered, softened, even as his eyes went bright and hard. He was about to say something really big, she could feel it. Something dark and sad too.
“I'm supposed to help rescue people, Haley. Instead, one day last year I ended the lives of two people I cared about. Friends. Coworkers. Guys who relied on me to have their back. There was an avalanche, and I was in the lead. I was supposed to read the snow, to make a call on if it was safe to cross or not. I made the wrong fucking call. I'm well-trained in avalanche safety, but I made the wrong call.” His voice was flat, almost monotone. “I was responsible for their safety, and I fucked it up. They will never have fun again. So," he shr
ugged, still holding her now frozen gaze, "now I have fun for them."
Silence was a huge chasm between them this time. Not companionable. Not comfortable. Haley just stared at him, words again choked in her throat.
He didn't say anything for a long moment, just studying her reaction. Then he went on. "Riley's story is bad enough, right? It's more pain and sadness than anyone needs for a lifetime. As a result, he really doesn't trust humans. That sucks and it's awful, and we all understand why he's like that. We're all trying to help him, and we hope that one day things won't be so hard for him anymore. But mine's just as shitty, in a different way. It's almost worse.” The softness of his voice was a stark, almost mocking contrast to his words. “Because I was the one responsible. So I can't trust myself. I can't rescue anyone anymore. I'm fucking broken in that department."
He looked at her long and hard, his face still and waiting. Waiting for her to respond to that. To respond to his admission that his mistake had cost lives. That it was only a mistake, people made mistakes.
“I—you—I don't believe that.” She swallowed, trying to say more, but she didn't know what. Damn it. Haley the writer, Haley the wordsmith, what a joke right now. She wanted to be able to say a thousand different things to take that look off his face, but everything jumbled up in her head and nothing would make sense. She didn't know how to say that it was okay, she didn't think less of him, that he wasn't broken.
She couldn't possibly find those words for him when she didn't have them for herself.
Finally, Cortez stopped waiting. He shrugged and looked away, back over the deep wilderness in front of them. She sensed hurt in him. And distance. "Come on, pretty Haley. You probably have to get back down to work. And I'm actually supposed to meet up with a friend and do some work on my house this afternoon."
He stood up, reaching down a hand to pull her up. She took it and tried to smile at him, but he quickly let go and started to walk back down the trail to the lodge, leaving her to follow his stiff back. She did, quiet as she tried to process everything. All the details. The only details she really cared about were the things he was telling himself inside his head. What he felt in his heart. Details she would never, ever share with anyone else. She knew everyone had to know about what he'd just told her. His family, his clan, probably everyone who lived here knew about what happened. But it still felt like he'd given her a gift: the darkest thing about himself that he believed. He'd shared something hard and painful because he trusted her with it, even if he didn't trust himself anymore.
Something inside Haley, maybe resolve, suddenly went strong as steel. She jogged slightly to keep up with his long-legged stride. Cortez might not know it, but she trusted him and, in a totally crazy way, she wanted to protect him. Not that he'd think a big bear shifter like himself needed any protection from a small human like herself. But he did, and she would.
No matter what.
6
Haley stretched her arms overhead and leaned back, closing her eyes as her back cracked. Oh, that felt good. The sounds of the Mountain Muffin in mid-afternoon were relatively quiet, matching her mood.
"You done with your dishes?" a friendly voice above her head asked.
Haley jerked, snapping her eyes open. Maddy, the owner of the bakery, stood beside her, smiling as she refilled Haley's bottomless coffee mug. She carried a gray plastic bin under one arm, which had a small collection of dirty dishes in it. Haley blinked, looking around. "Oh. Yes, thanks."
Maddy plucked up the small dish which had held the cinnamon roll Haley had treated herself to earlier. "Here you go. We have to fuel the creative genius brainstorming, right?" Maddy looked hopeful. She knew Haley was a writer and loved the thought that she was writing a book in Maddy's bakery.
“The creative genius part comes in the morning, actually. I'm here in the afternoon to do things things like answer emails and stuff like that." Or totally freak out about her future and sometimes lose herself into the void of social media's cute kitten videos in an attempt to distract herself from the possibility that all her hopes and dreams would be crushed as Justin had assured her they would be. "You know. The usual business end of things." She sighed.
Maddy nodded as she headed back behind the counter. “I definitely do know the business end of things. It's the tough stuff most people don't want to think about when they imagine the joys of being self-employed.”
Haley laughed nervously, but she swallowed hard. She'd glanced at her bank account this morning and nearly had heart failure. If this book tanked...she'd be tanked too. The thought made her queasy.
As she fussed around with stuff on her website, adjusting the placement of photos and text so they were just so, internally thanking smart people out there who had created drop and drag websites for people like her who were totally clueless about coding, her thoughts drifted again to sexy, intriguing, heartstring-tugging Cortez. After their walk out to the beautiful spot in the mountains the other day, when they got back to the lodge Jessie was still there but ready to take Grant to town for his swim lesson at the local school's indoor pool. So Haley had gone back with Jessie, after a somewhat awkward and brief goodbye with Cortez. He'd watched as they drove away, and she turned around to wave at him. She was pretty sure she caught the flash of a smile as he casually waved back. Yeah, he was fascinating. So strong, so big. But she knew that deep down, he was also so hurting.
She nonchalantly asked Jessie about him on the way back, but all she really got was that Cortez was a great guy, always tried hard but often seem to have run of bad luck or maybe bad decisions. But he always bounced back. Jessie didn't seem super concerned about him. It sounded like no one here was.
So the other day when Jessie had been here working at the bakery, and Abby had stopped by while in town running some errands, Haley had oh so offhandedly asked them about Cortez. She could tell right away from the probing look Abby gave her that Abby had a feeling why Haley was asking. Even so, and even though Haley had already been able to tell that Abby sort of big sistered Cortez, Abby hadn't seemed very worried about him either. Maybe Haley was wrong? Maybe it was just her writer brain seeing too much deep internal angst and pain in Cortez, and she just wanted to do some silly girl thing like rescue him or something.
But she couldn't shake the feeling that Cortez was hiding a loss deeper than the loss of the friends he'd mentioned. Neither Abby nor Jessie had brought that up, although when Haley carefully inquired, their faces had drawn tight with sympathy. They'd simply said it was one of those sad, shocking events that had affected the town the same way as when Riley's mate had died, though this was somewhat different since Cortez's buddies from his search and rescue team were human. Then, to her surprise, Abby added that the other difference was that they hadn't died.
“Wait—I thought they did die?” Haley was nonplussed.
Abby shook her head. “No, but it was still really bad. Tim is in a coma, and the doctors aren't sure he'll ever regain consciousness. Scott lost a leg. They're both in Denver at the hospital. Scott is staying at a rehab center there to get tons of physical therapy every day. He's had a really hard time with the whole thing. Like everyone else on the team, he lived for adventure and having fun outside, being really physical. Now he has to learn how to just walk all over again. The search and rescue team, it's called a SAR team, is made up of both shifters and humans, and they're all really tight. Worked hard together, partied hard together.” Her smile was sympathetic as well as concerned. “It was a devastating blow for everyone. There's still a SAR team of course, with some additional members now to make up for the loss, but they've all changed since then. And Cortez isn't on the team anymore. By his choice,” she added quickly as Haley made a sound of dismay. “He's worried he'll let them down again by missing signs of another avalanche or something else that could go wrong. But that's part of the risk they take when they go out to save people.” Abby shrugged, but her face was still filled with compassion. “He didn't do anything wrong, Haley. But he be
lieves he did, which is almost worse.”
After Abby had left, Haley mulled the story over in her mind, stunned and aching for him. Cortez hadn't told her all the details because it was hard for him to think about them. To relive them. That, she understood completely. It now made sense too, what he'd said about his buddies never being able to have fun again, to enjoy life again. For extremely active guys like them, they may as well have died. Her heart clenched with compassion for him. Cortez was carrying around a lot of pain over the event. While his family and friends knew that, she was still sure they didn't know how deep it went.
But she understood that completely. None of her friends or family truly knew just how deep her own emotional scars went. They thought she was dealing and would be okay. She hid the worst of it from them, because frankly, she didn't want to relive the shit she'd been through either. Sighing hard, she forced her thoughts away from the old ugly memories.
Instead, she easily called up another image of Cortez's eyes. His face crinkled up into a smile, that golden stubble on his cheeks that she insanely longed to rub her cheek against, danced through her mind. Even as she thought about him, her phone dinged with a text. Heat shot through her body when she saw the message.
Hi Haley it's Cortez. I'm sorry our lunch the other day ended like that. I know you're working hard and I bet you're at the mountain muffin cuz Jessie says you're there every afternoon so I was wondering if you have a break soon. I'm down here in town and I really want to show you something that I'm working on.
Her entire body tingled and a smile blazed across her face. Quickly she typed back, Yes.
When?
I could use a break pretty soon actually.
Like in five minutes?