by Leil Lowndes
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The Project was a New York City-based not-for-profit corporation established to explore sexuality and relationships. During my tenure with The Project, I interviewed and catalogued thousands of subjects on what they sought in a partner. I gathered information from the students at the dozens of universities where I was invited to speak on my research.
Like the work of researcher Ellen Berscheid, The Project experienced an unsought avalanche of attention which brought it to national attention.
ATimemagazine reporter covered one of our sessions and wrote a full-page article declaring "Sex Fantasy Goes to Broadway," which, indeed, it did.
One arm of The Project had volunteers presenting psychodramatizations of their actual love fantasies on stage. Because there was no nudity and no explicit language, the squeaky-clean dramatizations were unique and caught the attention of the three major television networks, which presented
excerpts of the vignettes on national programs. This, in turn, spawned dozens of articles in respected mainstream publications in America and Europe.
As a result, people from all over the world sent us their stories, their fantasies, their longings for love.
They called or wrote to The Project detailing precisely what they sought in a romantic partner.
Most of the letters and calls we received were prefaced with comments like, "I've never told anyone but . . ." The callers and writers then proceeded to divulge their deepest desires to the anonymous Project. We listened, gratefully, as we gathered data on what made, or would make, people fall in love.
How the Techniques Were Developed
Let us leave the world of sexuality for a moment.
Come with me to my second discipline, the field of communications. It is here I take the findings, and turn them into workable techniques to make someone fall in love with you.
It has been proved beyond any doubt that there are ways to induce desired behavior from people. If there were not, all
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psychologists and thousands of corporate trainers, myself included, would be out of business. There are established methods for invoking various emotions and for changing people's behavior. For example, we can learn how to deal with difficult people or how to make troublesome employees respond in the desired way.
Feedback from seminars I have presented for government organizations, universities, professional associations, and corporations convinces me that we can indeed effect changes in behavior patterns. We accomplish this complex task by first understanding people's basic needs and motivations, then by employing the right verbal and nonverbal skills to modify their behavior.
That is what I do in this book. Drawing from the scientific studies, I reveal the basic needs and motivations that make someone fall in love. Then I give you the right verbal and nonverbal skills to induce the behavior you want—in this case, to make that person fall in love with you.
This book is the result of many years of research and exploration into several disciplines: interpersonal relationships, human sexuality, communications skills, and gender differences. We not only draw from scientific studies into the nature of love and fr om my personal research, but we also benefit from the work of modern therapists and communications analysts. I am especially grateful for the work of sociolinguist Deborah Tanne5nand the clever Mars/Venus analogies of therapist John Gray,6 who made it common knowledge that men and women have vastly different styles of thinking and communicating.
What is the recipe for making someone fall in love with you? Can it be reduced to a formula? The following sounds simple, but it is actually quite complicated.
You start with a solid scientific base of what makes up interpersonal attraction. Then you gather profound information about yourQuarry(the person you want to make fall in love with you). Next,
you employ sophisticated, often subliminal, communication techniques to meet his or her conscious and subconscious needs. Finally, you secure your Quarry with your spicy perception opfrecisely what he or she wants sexually.
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I wasn't content with simply relying on research. I needed to see if these techniques would work in the field. Several years ago, to test my theories, I created a seminar with the same title as this book, "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You."
Invitations flowed in from all over the country from colleges, singles' groups, clubs, and continuing education organizations. It is on this playing field that the material has been tested. And the feedback from my students is, "Yes!" You can make someone fall in love with you.
Is it a simple task? No. Does it require sacrifice? Yes.
You may decide, after reading this book, that capturing his or her heart is simply not worth having to give that much of yourself. But if you do want to proceed, follow me. We will explore the skills needed to accomplish the task, to make the Potential Love Partner of your choice fall in love with you.
(You notice that I have used the wordsPotential Love Partner several times. I will do so throughout the book because, although it is bulkier, the phrase is more accurate thaannyone , which my publisher wisely decided is more readable.)
Who are your Potential Love Partners? First, a Potential Love Partner (or ) is anyone who is PLP
ready for love. Timing, if not everything, at least counts a lot. For example, if someone has just lost a beloved spouse, he or she may not be ready for love.
That knocks him or her—temporarily—out of the PLP
category.
Second, a Potential Love Partner is anyone free of esoteric psychological (or Lovemap ) needs. These are needs that, through no fault of your own, you can't fulfill. We'll talk a lot about your Quarry's Lovemap later.
That leaves many Potential Love Partners, a myriad of hearts to choose from. Let us embark now upon the path that leads you to the heart of the man or woman you desire.
There you have it: the formula for making a Potential Love Partner fall in love with you.
How I Tested the Techniques
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Elements
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What are the long-awaited results of Berscheid's early studies and the deluge of those that followed? Well, maybe Freud was right. Romantic loveisenigmatic. It is difficult to capture and convert into computerized, controlled bits and bytes of information. Instead, treating it as if it were a virus, scholars are tackling specific questions about love, nailing down a few facets at a time. They have made tremendous progress.
Out of the cascade of studies, six verities emerge about what makes people fall in love. To be a successful Hunter or Huntress of hearts, you must, like Cupid, be a skillful archer, and aim your arrow dead center at the following six targets.
I. First Impressions
You Never Get a Second Chance at Love at First Sight
The first moments you spot your Quarry—and he or she gets a glimpse of you—can be decisive. Herein lies a ''go/no go" decision. Scientists tell us that love's seeds are often sown during the first few minutes of a relationship.
When two cats meet for the first time, they stop and look at each other. If one hisses, the other bristles his coat and hisses
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back. However, if the first kitten gives a little nudge with its cold nose, the other kitten responds in kind, and they wind up purring together and licking each other's coats.
A man and a woman getting to know each other are like two little animals sniffing each other out. We don't have tails that wag or hair that bristles, but we do have eyes that narrow or widen. We have hands that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up "I submit" position. There are dozens of other "involuntary" reactions that take place in the first few moments of interaction. The good news is that we can learn to control these presumed involuntary reactions.
The moment you set eyes on each other, your Potential Love Partner subconsciously reads the subtleties of your body language. In these first crucial moments, he or she can unconsciously resolve to try
for romantic takeoff or abort thoughts of love. His or her mind then becomes computer-like, and your PLP
continues to make rapid decisions about you during yourfirstconversation, your first date.
In Part One, we will cover techniques to lure Potential Love Partners into approaching you, into liking you, and then into making a first date. I'll share scientifically sound methods of keeping the conversation exciting and making the first date stimulating for your Quarry.
II. Similar Character, Complementary Needs I Want a Lover Just Like Dear Old Me (Well, Almost)!
If you pass the first impressions test, you enter the second phase. Here your Quarry starts making judgments about you as a Potential Love Partner. His or her subconscious mind is saying, "I want someone like me. Well,almost like me."
If there is to be compatibility for a lifetime, or even for a date, some similarity is necessary. Our hearts are finely tuned instruments that seek someone who has values similar to ours, who holds beliefs similar to ours, and who looks at the world in more or less the same way we do. Similarity makes us feel Page 11
good because it confirms the choices we have spent our whole lives making. We also look for people who enjoy the same activities so we can have fun together.
Similarity is indeed a launch pad for a good relationship takeoff.
But we get bored with too much similarity. Besides, we need somebody to make up for our lacks. If we have no head for mathematics, who is going to balance the checkbook? If we are sloppy, who is going to pick up our socks?
So we also look for complementary qualities in a long-term love partner. But not any complementary qualities—only the ones we find interesting or that enhance our lives. Hence, we seek someone who is both similarand complementary .
In Part Two, we will explore methods of planting subliminal seeds of similarity in your Quarry's heart and ways to make him or her know that, even though you two are basically alike, you are different in so many utilitarian, fun, and interesting ways.
III. Equity
The "WIIFM" Principle of Love
"Hey, baby, everybody's got a market value!
Everybody wears a price tag." How pretty is she?
How much prestige does he have? How blue is her blood? How much power does he wield? Are they rich, intelligent, nice?What can they do for me?
Does this sound ugly? Researchers tell us love is not really blind. Everybody—even the nicest people—has a touch of crass when it comes to choosing a long-term partner. It's no different than in the business world where everybody asks, " ?" What's in it for me? WIIFM
I can hear some of you protesting, "No, love is pure and compassionate. It involves caring, altruism, communion, and selflessness.That's what love is all about." Yes, that's what loveisall about when good people are truly in love. You've probably even met couples who are deeply devoted and would sacrifice everything for each other. Yes, this kind of selfless love that we all dream of having exists. But it comes later—much
later. It comes onlyafter you've made your partner fall in love with you.
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If you want to make someone fall in love with you, researchers say, you must initially convince them they're getting a good deal. We may not be conscious of it but, science tells us, tried and true market principles apply to love relationships. Lovers unconsciously calculate the other personc'somparable worth , the cost-benefit ratio of the relationship, the hidden costs , the maintenance fee , and the assumed depreciation . Then they ask themselves, "Is this the best offer I can get?" Everybody has a big scorecard locked away in their heart. And, in order to make people fall in love with you, you have to make them feel they're getting a very good deal.
Is all lost if you weren't born drop-dead gorgeous, or if your grandfather's name wasn't Vanderbilt or Kennedy, or if you don't have the compassion of a Dr.
Schweitzer? No. In Part Three, we will
explore silver-tongued verbal skills to replace the silver spoon that was never in our mouths when we were born. In that way, we can satisfy some very choosy Quarry.
IV. Ego
How Do You Love Me? Let Me Count the
Ways
At the blazing core of first romantic rumblings eisgo.
Perhaps Cupid misses the mark when he aims his little arrow at Quarries' hearts. Science shows us where to really level our ammunition and take fire—
right at their egos. People fall in love with people in whose eyes they behold the most ideal reflections of themselves.
Would-be lovers should be thrilled that ego makes the world go round, because Quarries' egos are very vulnerable targets. There are multifarious ways to make your Quarry feel beautiful, strong, handsome, charming, dynamic, or however he or shewantsto feel.
There are big-stroke compliments, little-stroke caresses, and a myriad of deliciously devious means to make your Quarry feel special. Subtle procedures can convince Quarries what they've suspected all along: "I am differ-Page 13
ent. I am wonderful. And to thank you for recognizing this amazing fact, I'll fall in love with you.'
Everyone also hungers for security and validation.
We seek protection in our primary relationship from the cruel, cruel world. In Part Four,How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You explores
ways to make your Quarry feel that you are the salvation—you are his or her safe harbor from the storm of life.
V. Early-Date Gender-Menders
Is There Love After Eden?
Everyone smiled knowingly in 1956 when Rex Harrison moaned from the Broadway stage, "Oh, why can't a woman be more like a man?" He knew his Fair Lady was a very different animal indeed. But in the era followingMy Fair Lady , feminists cast serious doubt on his convictions.
Now, after many decades of pondering, presuming, and postulating on whether men and women really differ in anything but their genitals, the envelope has been opened. The answer is—drumroll
please—yes! Men and women think and
communicate in dramatically different ways.
Neurosurgeons can point to clumps of neurons in female brains that cause men like Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady to call women "exasperating, calculating, agitating, maddening, and infuriating."
Scientists aim their needles at the molecules in the male brain that make women accuse men of being
"insensitive clods."
Despite the torrent of data flowing in about the genetic, cerebral, and sexual differences between men and women, both Hunters and Huntresses continue toassume we think alike and persist in courting each other in the way they'd like to be courted themselves. Perhaps recent scientific findings will give men and women more insight into each other's style, but nothing short of a frontal lobotomy could make a permanent change in which brand of neurons our brains give off. Women will continue to be "exasperating," and men will still be
"insensitive." And both will keep on communicating in styles that turn each
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other off, especially on the first dates.
To avoid scaring off their prey before they bag it, serious big-game hunters know all the characteristics and habits of deer, moose, caribou, bison, and wild hogs. Likewise, serious love Hunters and Huntresses must be well versed in gender differences if they intend to make the kill.
Part Five briefs you on how to avoid the most common early-date turnoffs to make even the most wary Quarry comfortable letting down his or her guard. Love-shy Quarry who usually take flight when a man or woman gets too close will happily come within firing range of your arrow.
VI. Rx for Sex
How to Turn on the Sexual Electricity
Many books on how to turn on your partner make sex sound like flipping the switch on the night-light next to your bed. "Press here to speed up orgasm. Stroke there for an extra charge." Yes, sexualityiselectricity, but your Quarry's bodily buttons only speed up or slow down the physical functions.Mindpower is what drives the mighty machine and keeps it generating heat for many years.
The most erotic organ in your Quarry's body is his or herbrain.
For details and how-tos, there is no lack of reference books. They have names likeHow to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed, How to Drive Your Woman Wild in Bed, How to Drive Your Man Even Wilder in Bed , and How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time and Have Her Beg for More . The list goes on. Such manuals are replete with detailed data for women on how to tickle that spot just below the "cute little helmet" to drive him out of his gourd. Men can examine idiotproof charts on where to let their fingers do the walking so as to not miss the U-turn that leads to her G-spot.
All of this is important stuff—veryimportant stuff.
But when it comes to actually making somebody fall in love with you, it pales in comparison to what I'll cablrlain fellatio —sucking the dreams, the longings, and the fantasies out of your
Quarry, and then creating a lifelong erotic aura that he or she luxuriates in.
Gentlemen, far more important for a woman than how many times you can "do it" in a week (or even in a night) is the sensuality and passion you create in every aspect of your relationship. And the sensations you give her every time you look at her. Ladies, far more important to a man than your bra-cup size or the curve of your hips, is the size and curve of your sexuaalttitude and how you
deal with his individual sexuality.
No two sexualities are alike, just as no two snowflakes are alike. I will give you techniques to uncover your Quarry's unique sexuality and then make love to him or her just the way he or she likes it. In Part Six, we will explore the right kind of sex to make your particular Quarry fall in love with you.
Let us now embark upon our six-part journey, starting with what happens physically when we fall in love.
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"Why Do My Insides Go All Funny?"
Falling in love is both a mental and a physical process. Some of the first techniques you will learn ignite your Quarry's physical response to you before his or her brain catches up. We will put love through the brain-scanner and under the x-ray machine to examine what physically happens to your Quarry when he or she starts to feel that incredible sensation called love.