by Leil Lowndes
Huntresses, until the relationship is in safe waters or you detect that your Quarry is the sensitive type, don't go
overboard by asking a man how he feels about a situation. You may rock the boat before it gets launched.
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Where . . ."
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No exploration of the wondrous differences between Homo sapiens m. and Homo sapiensfwould be complete without addressing the former's (men's) hesitance to ask directions. One of the reasons, I am sure, that NASA decided to have female astronauts is so there would be somebody to ask directions when they got to the planets.
Even when a male driver is hopelessly lost, he seems constitutionally incapable of sticking his head out the window and
TECHNIQUE #61 (FOR HUNTRESSES):
STAY LOST!
Huntresses, if your Quarry gets lost, bite your tongue until it bleeds if you must, but do not suggest he ask for directions.
Never take it upon yourself to ask a stranger yourself while he sits there feeling like a larnebrainN.ever .
asking, "Excuse me, could you tell me where . . . ?"
God bless the woman who shouts over his humiliated head to a stranger, "Hey, we're lost. I think we missed the turn." A man translates that statement into: "This yo-yo turkey got us into this pickle and now the incompetent, impotent fool
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can't get us out." Huntresses, if you're looking for the way to his heart, let him find the way to wherever the two of you are traveling.
Hunters, the converse is true for you. When you use the following technique, your Quarry will know she's in the company of a rare man indeed.
TECHNIQUE #62 (FOR HUNTERS):
JUST ASK!
Hunters, if you get lost, do the lady a favor. Lock your ego in the glove compartment along with the maps. Just roll down the window and ask directions.
It won't kill you.
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As little girls, we women were able to weave great webs of fairy-tale fantasies about the lives of our dolls, while little boys couldn't ad lib an excuse when caught red-handed with their fists in the cookie jar.
Today, the stream of consciousness for little girls of all ages, nine to ninety, still runs stronger.
This once again became evident to me just last fall. I was bicycling along a winding path in Cape Cod, Massachusetts, with my buddy, Phil. We stopped to calculate where we were on the map. Just then an extremely attractive couple came bicycling in the opposite direction. They were both tanned, fit, and sportive. I flagged them down and asked the couple how to get to Oceanview Drive.
The woman started, "Oh, this is a beautiful path. You stay on it for, oh, I'd say, a quarter of a mile—well, maybe closer to a half. On the way you'll see many beautiful trees, some of them overhanging the path.
The colors are just starting to change. The path twists and turns a bit, but it's smooth all the way. In a while, on the left, you'll see a big white house. . . ."
Her male friend suddenly interrupted her. "Yeah, just follow this path and turn left at the end," he said.
"You'll hit Oceanview."
As Phil and I rode off on our bicycles, I could hear sounds of the couple's arguing fading in the distance.
She was most
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likely telling him how rude he was to interrupt her, and he was probably accusing her of being irrelevant and too talkative.
As we pedaled along the beautiful path, I began wondering about what might have taken place if I'd been bicycling alone that day and run into the attractive man, also bicycling alone? How might the communication between us been different if he hadn't been with his girlfriend? I would have asked the attractive stranger for directions just as I did. But then, I realized, if he'd given me a short answer, all I could have done would be say thanks and pedal off.
How much more I would have enjoyed having the attractive stranger tell me what a beautiful path was in store for me, how it twists and turns, and then give me details about the changing colors of the leaves the way his girlfriend had. That would have opene d the door to further conversation with this attractive male.
When I came out of my reverie, I asked Phil his opinion. Suppose he had been bicycling alone and come upon the beautiful woman bicycling without her boyfriend. If he had asked her for directions, what would he have liked hearing? First of all, Phil said, a tad accusingly, "I wouldn't have asked directions."
"OK, OK, that I know," I said. "But suppose you hadto find your way and were reduced to that humiliation?"
"Well," he said, "she would have turned me off with all that babbling. Ideally she would have just told me to follow the path."
"Like her boyfriend did?" I asked. "Well, yeah."
I was merciless. I persisted, "Well, suppose she wanted to meet you and keep the conversation going.
What should she have done?"
"Criminy, Leil, I don't know!" But Phil could tell from my expression I was determined to find out.
"Well, maybe if she'd added a little veiled compliment, it would have turned the tide. It would change the encounter from impersonal to, well you know, personal."
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"What do you mean by a veiled compliment?"
"Well," Phil mused, "she might say something like,
'It's a long ride . . . but you look like you're up for it.'"
"Oh, come on!" "No, really," Phil said.
TECHNIQUE #63 (FOR HUNTRESSES):
JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM
Huntresses, when stalking and talking with male Quarry, keep your explanations short. Shave down the details.
If you want to extend the dialogue and switch into a more personal mode, try a little veiled compliment.
Hunters, don't try this. Getting off the objective and switching suddenly into a more personal mode can come across to a woman as being too forward.
Instead, extend the conversation by giving more details.
Then, after you've been chatting for five or ten minutes, it's perfectly logical to suggest a further activity together, like having a coffee.
TECHNIQUE #64 (FOR HUNTERS):
PAINT A PRETTY PICTURE
Hunters, instead of worrying about how you can score with a great line when you meet a woman, simply flesh out whatever you are saying. Elaborate, and share interesting details. If she likes your looks, she will love hearing about how something looked, sounded, or seemed. Paint a pretty picture for her to enjoy.
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There are a few more ropes to learn in the shaky bridge that spans the perilous communications gap.
One of them is discovering how to keep the love knot tied even when your partner is upset.
Hunters, it's easier for you, because you need to learn only one phrase. Gentlemen, when she looks obsessed, angry, pre-occupied, or annoyed, use the magic phrase. Ready? Here it is: "Do you want to talk about it?"
Men, when trials and tribulations come tumbling down on a buddy, you're accustomed to clamming up or punching your pal's shoulder and saying, "Ah, it'll all work out. Don't worry about it." However, if you give your female Quarry this brand of consolation, a flag goes up in her brain which waves, "Insensitive man. The brute doesn't want me to bother him with my problems."
Let her know you are there for her. Even if she grumbles, "No, I don't want to talk about it,"
persevere. Say, "Come on, I know you'll feel better if you talk about it. I'd really like you to share your feelings with me." Then the dam will burst. Be prepared to be drenched with whatever is bothering her, but never fear. All you have to do is close your mouth and listen.
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Listen the way a woman listens, not like a man. To many men, listening means getting the wax out of their ears just long enough to gather sufficient data and then offering their solution. Women listen to each other knowing that they need to get whatever is bothering them out of their systems. Let your Quarry talk. As her stream of consciou
sness starts to slow to a trickle, you may probe and possibly offer gentle suggestions to show you are concerned about her problem. But do not feel you must solve her problem.
Do not feel it is your responsibility. Do not feel as though she is blaming you. Simply listen.
TECHNIQUE #65 (FOR HUNTERS):
TELL ME ABOUT IT
Hunters, when your Quarry is upset, beg her to tell you about it. Then listen—like a woman listens. It makes you a more loving man in your Quarry's eyes.
Huntresses, when your Quarry is angry, disturbed, or upset you have even less lines to learn than a man. In fact, don't deliver any lines at all. Simply close your mouth. Respect his silence the way one of his buddies would. Men are not accustomed to sharing their feelings, so if you insist he talk about it, you're asking him to twirl his hips in an exotic fandango that he never learned.
Incidentally, Huntresses, there is an added benefit to respecting his silence: You do not become associated with his distress. When the storm has blown over, you will be his refuge from the internal tempest he suffered, not part of it.
You can let him know you are supportive, sympathetic, and definitely there for him . . . in one sentence or less. Say, "Of course you're upset and if you'd like to talk about it, I'm here for you."
Period. Then just go about your own business. Do not be hurt if he chooses not share it with you. In his terms,
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he is demonstrating his respect for you by not burdening you with his problem.
TECHNIQUE #66 (FOR HUNTRESSES):
WHEN HE'S MAD, STAY MUTE
Huntresses, if your male Quarry is upset about something that has nothing to do with you, do not smoke him out of
his foxhole. Do not make him feel guilty for not telling you about it.
Let him know you're there if he wants to share, but give him the freedom to burrow in his foxhole until he is ready to crawl out all by himself.
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A to Point B?"
"A Straight Line!" He Declares; "A Gentle Curve?" She Asks
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Another gentle habit of the gentle sex that, unfortunately, drives men stark raving berserk is that she hints at something she wants, or she turns it into the form of a tentative gentle question.
I was on a Sunday outing last fall with a couple who had just started dating each other. Susan and Jake were riding in the front seat and I was in the back as we headed upstate to see the changing leaves.
After we had been on the thruway for about an hour, Sue turned to Jake, who was driving, and asked,
"Golly, would you like to stop for a coffee?"
"Nah," Jake said. A little miffed, Susan turned around and looked at me. We just shrugged at each other.
A little while later, she tried again. "Gosh, Jake, do you think there might be a rest area coming up soon?"
"I'm not sure," he answered.
Five miles later Jake whizzed by a rest stop with a big "Fresh Hot Coffee" sign out front. Susan turned around to me
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with wide eyes and that ' Can you believe this brute?'
look on her face. She leaned back and crossed her arms. I could tell she was upset.
Poor Susan. I finally decided I should speak up. "Uh, Jake," I said, "I think Susan wanted to stop for a cup of coffee."
"Well, why didn't she say so?" Jake asked, genuinely confused. "But I did!" Susan grumbled.
"Gee, Sue, I must not have heard you." I could tell that Jake was beginning to think his new girlfriend was a bit moody. "Sure," he said. "We'll stop at the next restaurant."
Was Jake being insensitive? Not at all. He was merely taking Susan's questions literally. Did he want coffee? No. Did he think a restaurant was nearby? He wasn't sure.
Was Susan overreacting? Not at all. If Jake was ignoring her wishes as she thought he was, she had every right to be angry. But he wasn't. He was just thinking like a man.
Susans and Jakes all over America are plummeting head-first into the communications gap on first dates.
Many emerge rubbing their wounds and vowing not to go out with the other ever again.
When smart tourists go to Paris, they learn a little French to avoid being shunned by the Parisians.
When smart Hunters and Huntresses go out on dates, they learn a few opposite-sex phrases to avoid inadvertently turning off their Quarry.
TECHNIQUE #67 (FOR HUNTRESSES):
DON'T HINT-SAY IT STRAIGHT
Huntresses, realize that your Quarry will take your questions literally. When you want something, say "I want" or "I'd like to." When you really meanI, avoid phrases like "Wouldyoulike to" or "Do youthink we should . . .?"
Gentlemen, for you the reverse is true. For example, on a long drive with your Quarry, you're dying to stop for lunch. Instead of just saying "I'm hungry"
and making a sharp swerve into the next fast-food joint, ask her if she'd like something to eat. She'll probably answer, "Would you?" After you say yes, ask her what kind of food she think, would be good.
Let her answer.Thenyou can make a sharp swerve for the nearest grub.
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TECHNIQUE #68 (FOR HUNTERS):
PUT SOME SOFT CURVES IN YOUR
CONVERSATION
Hunters, instead of telling her what the two of you are going to do, ask her opinion first. Also, when your
Quarry asks you a question, don't take it literally.
Read between the lines to see what she's hinting at.
When she asks, "Would you like to," it probably meanshewould like to.
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Whatls good for the gander can be ghastly for the goose. Several years ago I learned this the hard way.
A friend of mine, George, was at my house helping me with renovations. On that Saturday afternoon he was in the kitchen putting down some new molding.
Meanwhile I was in the living room struggling to rewire an old lamp.
I peered in the kitchen at him sitting dejected and cross-legged on the floor. Poor George was obviously confused as he tried to fit two angle pieces of corner molding together. He looked like a frustrated kid who had just discovered that his Lego toys don't fit. I cheerfully breezed into the kitchen and said, "Hey, George, I've got a miter box down in the basement. It will be a lot easier if you use that. Let me go get it."
It surprised me that George wasn't too receptive to my suggestion. He declined, saying, no, he could do it fine his way. Thanks very much anyway. I went back to my lamp. At that point I started having trouble shaving the wires. I felt some irritation that George wasn't offering to help me.
Then I noticed that he was putting down the molding before staining it. Once again, I put on my smile, bounced into the kitchen, and said, "You know, I have some stain in the base-Page 222
ment. It might be a good idea to stain the molding first. Then you won't need to worry about getting it on the kitchen floor."
Now, George is a fairly even-tempered chap, but he snapped. "Leil," he said sharply, "don't you trust me to do the job on my own?" "Well, of course I do," I stammered. "I was just trying to be helpful."
"Well," he said, his voice rising a few decibels,
"you'll be a bigger help if you just stay out of the kitchen and keep doing . . . whatever you're doing."
"Whatever I'm doing!" I cried back. "I'm in there struggling with that darn lamp. You know all about electrical wiring. I don't. And you're sitting in here—
not even noticing I'm having trouble—letting me fight with those wires. Thanks a lot!" I stormed out of the kitchen.
Bad scene.
Well, by that evening the situation had cooled down sufficiently, and we discussed our little tiff. I brought up the subject by telling George the lamp was fixed.
(No thanks to him, I resisted saying.) But I'd had a terrible time with it. Then I ventured to ask him why he hadn't helped me with it when it was so obvious I was having a problem. George said, "Of course I didn't offer to help.
Leil, tIrust
you. I wanted to show that I trusted you to do it yourself."
Like a holy fax from on high, I got it! Of course, George wanted to know that I trusted him to do the molding job. It's hard to believe that highly evolved and intelligent male Quarry could be so primitive as to invest ego in accomplishing such minor motor-skill tasks, but they do. Conversely, my wanting George to help me was my female desire to have George show that he cared about what I was doing. It is now chiseled in my brain. Men want to betrusted . Women want to feel cared for .
Huntresses, until notified, return receipt requested, assume your Quarry is a typical male who wants to be trusted to do everything right. The following advice may sound like antifemmist lunacy but, I'm sad to say, it does work: Never give a man Page 223
advice when he's helping you—never . Even if he's trying to fix your leaky faucet with Scotch tape and you know seven better ways to do it, hold your tongue.
TECHNIQUE #69 (FOR HUNTRESSES):
ZIP YOUR LIP AND LET HIM BOTCH IT ALL
BY HIMSELF
Huntresses, when your Quarry is doing something for you, even if he's bungling it beyond belief, zip your lip. Unless it's a matter of life and death, force an appreciative smile.
Run outside where he can't hear you if you have to scream, "Stuuuuuupid, do it this way!"
Huntresses, you have my solemn promise that this way you'll be happier and keep your relationship intact. (You can always secretly call a plumber the next day.) Your Quarry will never tell you his affection dripped away because you mistrusted his plumbing expertise. Many relationships have gone down the drain for lesser reasons.
Hunters, you too can glean a moral from the sadly true story above. The message of the story for you, however, is just the reverse of what it is for Huntresses.
TECHNIQUE #70 (FOR HUNTERS):
UNZIP YOUR LIP AND LEND A HELPING
HAND
Hunters, when you see a woman struggling, go to her and ask if she would like your help. Unlike your male buddies, she will not assume you don't trust her to do it herself. She will interpret your help as caring about her and her problems.
Incidentally, Huntresses, you're in for a long wait if you expect your Quarry to offer to help you. If he's the typical male, as George is, he may hesitate to give you any help because he thinks that you would be insulted by such an offer. It's up to you to elicit his aid.