“Damon’s not here.” Hayden raised his eyebrows at my bluntness. Even I frowned at my outburst. Again those annoyed and stirring emotions began to itch my throat. Before I could explain, Hayden raised his hand with that arrogant smile of his.
“Okay, we are going to need a few beers before we get into whatever that was about. Be ready in an hour,” he said closing the door behind him. I called out after him trying to rectify what I said and that there was no issue. I tapped impatiently now annoyed by Hayden. My shoulders sagged in depletion. Where had all these insecurities come from and why was I trying to create an issue between Damon and me? If something didn’t feel right to me, then maybe there was an issue that I hadn’t noticed sooner.
*
“Is there anywhere you go to and don’t attract attention?” I asked sipping my beer. The taste was both refreshing and bitter. I no longer even tried to hold my pretenses that I was fine. Hayden had already busted me.
“As if you’re one to talk. I’m pretty sure there are like six guys here and all of their eyes have been glued to you this entire time,” Hayden said not taking his eyes off the small television in the corner of the room. It was some sport he was watching, I hadn’t bothered looking over my shoulder to see. “And besides, it’s unlike you of all people to notice someone checking another person out,” he mused with a smile as he looked at me and took a swig.
We were sitting at our usual table in the not so classy bar. It reminded me so much of our university days. It had the main bar in front of us, a pool table in the corner of the room where a few guys played, and a few booths, tables, and chairs around for when meals were being served. Not that we ever came here to eat ourselves.
I gave Hayden a direct look. He had always teased me for my denseness and not realizing when others were gleaming with interest. I justified myself that if I wasn’t looking for the attention then I wouldn’t notice it. It was only because of Damon that I opened myself up into the dating world once again. It was something I certainly wasn’t actively looking for under my work schedule.
“So what’s up?” Hayden asked. He took another swig and looked back at the television.
“You know it’s rude to watch T.V. while talking to someone right?”
Hayden raised his eyebrows again with a smug expression. “Wowzers, you are on a tangent,” he said laughing.
I looked away from him embarrassed by my short fuse. I never acted like this, even if it were Hayden.
“I’ve only ever seen you like this once, and that was when you were only getting like four hours max sleep at night. You don’t look like that’s the case, but you look like your usual glowing self. It’s like your temper has swapped with your sister’s.” He began laughing at that. At first it made me angrier but then I tried to smile it off, realizing how stupid I was acting. I took a long swig of my drink.
“Sorry, I don’t know what’s with me,” I began. I started fiddling with my bottle. Surprisingly, I could speak openly with Hayden and I valued his opinion on most things. I confided with him some things I hadn’t even with my sister, Megan. “You know when someone says something to you, and for some reason it just sinks in and you can’t get it out of your head?”
Hayden had a knowing smile, probably because he had recently gone through the same, and just like this, I was counselling him. “What was said, and by whom?” He asked taking another swig and raising his empty bottle in the air for another one. I followed suit and gulped the rest of mine, requesting another one.
“A Psychologist and some things on relationships,” I mumbled bitterly. Hayden whistled loudly to himself and shouted over to the waitress before she came over with our drinks.
“Can I please get two of these,” he said.
“Hayden!” I said throwing one of the nuts at him childishly. He laughed at my reaction and then took a more serious demeanor to our conversation.
“So you went and saw a shrink about your relationship. I thought you and Damon were fine?” He asked now giving me his full attention.
“We are. Well I think we are. I don’t know,” I shook my head still rattling with different opinions. “I didn’t see a shrink, I had to interview one. It was based on the theory about mysterious men and their secrets.”
“I forgot that whole mysterious man type was a thing,” Hayden said thanking the waitress who now gave us our beers.
“It’s not a thing,” I defended. “Well I guess it is for some, but that’s not the point. Thank you,” I said to the waitress.
“So what great advice did she give you that made you believe that your multi-millionaire, secretive, successful boyfriend might be hiding something,” he charmed with a smile. I frowned at him as he lightened his laugh. “I’m sorry. I will take you seriously now. I just know how head over heels in love he is with you. I just can’t see him doing anything to hurt you.”
“I know he wouldn’t,” I said in a defeated sigh. Again I was irritated by Hayden’s tact, but couldn’t deny that I wish I were acting the same. I knew how stupid I felt for making a big deal out of this, but couldn’t help feel that something bothered me. “I just, I don’t know Hayden. We’ve been together now for almost a year and a half, and the more I think about it, I just think that isn’t a lot of time. Maybe there are things that I don’t know about him still, maybe he is still keeping some stuff from me. With consideration that there were a few secrets to start off with.”
“Yea but what guy or even woman for that matter doesn’t have their secrets?” Hayden justified.
“I know, but, some people are getting married and having kids at this age and-”
“Is that what you are wanting? Is this why we are having this discussion?” Hayden cut me off. I looked up at him in disbelief that he asked me. I felt like it was far from the point of this conversation and then realized it was me who began ranting about it. I stared at him a little shocked for a moment and took another swig as I quickly thought about this.
“Well I’ve never really thought about it. Work has just been so busy for us that I never really have time or have asked him if it’s something that he wants.”
“Clover, is it something that you want? To be honest, you’ve never seemed to be the type that cares whether you have a ring on or not, but maybe having this conversation is something you should consider. If for whatever reason you are feeling insecure or questioning his dedication to you, then maybe just ask him before you start creating this doubt and questioning his sincerity.”
I stared at Hayden for a moment. Sometimes he could offer some really wise and practical advice. “I hate myself for even being in this position. I can’t believe I’ve even taken it so personally and am confronting these issues that I’m creating myself.” I kept in mind that although Damon first came to me as an escort, that in no way did I think that cheapened his image or how I felt about him. Now that I knew the person he truly was, I loved him. But I wondered if that line of work, although he did nothing sexual, put the most doubt in my mind. A lot of others including Hayden and my family didn’t know about this. Only my friend Cassidy knew because she was the one who had given me his card and suggested the services.
“Don’t beat yourself up about it. We all have doubts in relationships. That’s why some people go stir crazy. Just ask him before you blow up about anything, okay?” Hayden placed his hand over mine in a reassuring manner. I felt daggers in my back from some of the women who had been buzzing around to get Hayden’s attention. It was odd to say but already I felt as if it were a brotherly kind of love. In university I had banned Hayden from looking at my sister twice, but now seeing them together as adults, I was sort of egging for it. I slumped in my thoughts. Why was I even thinking about someone else’s relationship–which didn’t even exist, over my own?
“Do you think I am going through a midlife crisis?” I asked with a faint smile.
“Clover, you’re not even thirty yet,” Hayden laughed. I took another swig of my beer no longer enjoying the taste. I plac
ed it back down, done with it. “Maybe you are just stressed from work and need a few days off. It wouldn’t hurt you to go back to Ithaca and see your family.”
I gave him a twisted smile. “Did my mother or Megan tell you to say that,” I said leaning my chin on my hand with humor. He returned the smile and took another swig.
“Both,” he laughed. “But, I am serious. All this travelling and work, I know you are a workaholic and I have respect for it. But, sometimes if things like this is piling up on you and you are not sure why, it might be in your best interest to take a breather. And I bet they will give you better advice on this than me. I’m just a guy after all.”
“That’s exactly why I am asking you,” I said with a faint laugh.
“I’ll always be here for it. I honestly don’t think you have anything to worry about. But if you do, just talk to him or have a few days off to clear your mind. Right now you are just throwing around ideas and thoughts, you can’t accuse him Clover. He hasn’t done anything wrong.”
I looked at Hayden for a long time with amusement. When did he become so wise? He was always foolish and charming outside of work. Even during work he used that charisma to his advantage. I couldn’t help but think that maybe this relationship talk of his was actually some soul searching he was doing himself as he still looked into the dating world seriously. I placed my hand on his, he was surprised by the comfort.
“You are doing good,” I said in a promising manner. Without having to explain myself and the many previous talks we had before about his recent dating dramas, he seemed to know what I had meant.
“And so are you,” he smiled. He raised his beer to mine. We tapped the bottles together and I attempted another fowl swig, deciding it really wasn’t to my taste.
Chapter Six
I became more apprehensive and struggled to sleep that night. The bed felt lonely without Damon in it. For some unimaginable reason I tortured myself with the question of what I would be like now by myself and without him. I rolled over in frustration. I knew Hayden was right. Damon had done nothing wrong and yet my body just felt as if something had. I could no longer tell if my heart or mind was the one playing tricks on me.
Everything was perfect so why was I so muddled and with mixed emotions? I scrolled through my phone looking at photos of us together. I wanted to call him, simply to hear his voice but it was now two in the morning. I boggled over the thoughts of what he might be doing and found myself tossing and turning even more as very distasteful thoughts came to mind.
I was so frustrated with myself for thinking so stupidly. I texted my sister frustrated by my complicated thoughts, ‘I think I am having a midlife crisis or turning into a psycho girlfriend.’
Much to my surprise I got a response back within minutes which helped me deter those wondering thoughts. ‘Well we are part Latino and Mom’s a bit of a wild child. I turned out perfectly fine however so I must have skipped a gene’. I smiled at that. A follow up message came. ‘You all good?’
I held my pillow tightly and insecurely to my chest. I was so tired from pointless thoughts that I couldn’t think anymore, which I was grateful for as none of them were even logical. Megan tried to call me but I didn’t answer. Even though I wanted to talk to her, I was just too tired to even try to explain. I couldn’t even explain these emotions to myself.
A text popped up instantly. ‘You have me worried, you don’t sound like you.’ I sighed and replied before attempting to sleep once again.
‘I am fine, thank you baby sister. I’ll call in the next coming days.’ I turned my phone off and rolled onto my back on the king size bed with arms sprawled wide. I stared at the ceiling tiredly. I will sort this out. I had to. Damon will be home tomorrow and I have missed him like crazy. It terrified me because I felt like I was almost lost without him over the past few days, even though in a sense I felt like I was pushing him away.
*
After my usual cardio workout in the morning I quickly laid out on the bed my outfit for tonight. Damon and I were making an appearance at a gallery opening. We ventured to many events and I had to admit that the gallery nights were one of my favorites. We had been to one before and I enjoyed the people who attended, and the concepts of the art pieces and sculptures. I didn’t have much of a creative flare myself but appreciated art and people’s many gifts. We had come home with three pieces that night. One of which I sent down with Hayden to my mother.
The dress was a beautiful red with a flowery textured pattern dress and it tightly fit, which accentuated my curves. I picked it out specifically for Damon wanting to wow him. It cut low on the back giving it a very classy yet sensual look at the same time. I admired it for a moment deciding that I would wipe away all the insecurities and apprehensions I had over the last few days. I knew that they were foolish and I was excited to take Damon’s breath away tonight. I knew that he loved how I looked, even in my sweatpants, which I felt he too often saw.
I took a shower and got ready for work, then prepared for the meeting that we were to have after Damon’s conference in Los Angeles. There was a smaller more focused press there, which was attached to Be True magazine. It was an LA focused edition which didn’t bring much profit, so only a few staff managed it. It was efficiently run by the manager and few journalists down there. Damon had thought of cutting it a few times, however it still brought in a small profit. It was also something his father had decided to originally start, so because of that Damon was hesitant.
We had our usual monthly meeting today with the other columnist and journalists going over the usual. We would speak about upcoming events, the pieces we were working on, new ideas and themes, and how sales of the current month stood.
I plaited my hair before running out the door. It was near untamable today. Damon loved my curls but I found them unmanageable unless straightened. I quickly patted Pudding goodbye and ventured downstairs to grab a cab. This was now my daily routine and one that I enjoyed. I always felt busy but not under pressure like I had only two years ago. So much had changed in that time. I had changed for the better. Or so I liked to believe.
Chapter Seven
I sat in the meeting room with a few colleagues. Hayden sat beside me busily typing on his phone with a promiscuous smile.
“That can’t be good,” I said while waiting for the others to come in. I looked at the watch on my wrist. We were ten minutes early. I hadn’t yet heard from Damon and worried that he might have gotten in later than he predicted with traffic. If that were the case, I could imagine him now fluttering about in his office on the top floor grabbing the last of his things.
“I just made a good business deal. I’ve been trying to get this guy in for a while and finally,” Hayden showed me his phone screen as some form of evidence. “Bingo. Amber is handling the contract now. I am satisfied with how today’s started.” He arched back into his chair with a wide grin and stretching.
“If you have time to lounge then do some work,” Damon joked with a smile as he walked in. A young woman with black hair and porcelain skin followed behind him. She seemed shy and deterred her eyes from everyone. “Good morning everyone, this is Nae,” he said. Everyone greeted her, including myself. I gave Haden an inquisitive glance and he too looked unsure as to who she was. Damon walked behind me and placed his hand on my shoulder briefly as he walked past and began fixating on his things near the projector. I suddenly felt rather clingy, considering my previous days of peril and now I wanted Damon’s attention.
“Like you’re one to talk. Haven’t seen you working here for a few days now,” Hayden mused.
“You only got in yesterday,” I reminded him with bitter sarcasm.
“Do you mind if I take this seat?” Nae asked. I was surprised by her youthfulness she looked as if she was fresh out of college.
“Of course,” I offered her. “So what are you in here for?” I asked curiously.
“Ah,” Damon said with his brilliant smile. “No questions. It’s a surprise.” Na
e flushed red and dipped her head slightly. It was odd to see such a shy personality in a room full of journalists and columnists, who were often charismatic and seemingly confident.
We waited as the last of the department’s representatives came in, the last one closing the door behind him. Damon began his presentation focusing on the two percent decrease in sales from the previous year. Nae jotted down numerous notes beside me in her small notepad. Others also took notes as they grabbed the information that affected their department.
I grabbed my notepad lightly sweeping away the summer heat. No one else seemed to be affected by it. Even Damon gave me a quick curious glance. I wanted to moan in annoyance, was I going through menopause and a midlife crisis? I heard the two usually went hand in hand.
I tried to focus on Damon but the information wasn’t processing, which made me angry. I had never in my working life been like this. I was always focused and able to grasp new concepts and presentations. I felt like a rebellious juvenile.
“Now everyone this is Nae,” Damon said as he opened his hand out welcomingly to her. She looked shy by the amount of eyes on her but greeted them sincerely. “As most of you know I was in Los Angeles for a few days. Nae is starting an internship here. I want her to go to separate departments to study and find which area best suits her writing. She will serve to be a fantastic addition to the team and I want everyone to welcome her. I will be alternating her in between the sports and travel department. Hayden, while you are here for a few days I will leave her in your capable hands and then Clover’s in travel. She will then go to fashion and then gossip. We will re-evaluate after that. Any questions?”
My Expectation (My Escort Series Book 3) Page 3