We sat at the dining table with our wine glasses half full. It was my mother who broke the ice.
“Clove, talk to use, what’s the issue, it’s not like you and Damon to fight, it must be something pretty serious.” I sighed and looked at my wine glass not even knowing where to start.
“Well that’s the thing,” I said self-consciously. “It is but it isn’t. My mind has been all over the place. It’s me not him, I can admit it but I am still getting so angry at him. I’ve never been so insecure and unsure of who I am.”
My mother and Megan exchanged an expression which had me hesitant to ask what it was about. “Well something must have happened for you to start this, right?” Megan prodded.
“Well sort of, I just started feeling clingy, I want him and I miss him, but then I feel like he’s done something wrong and I can’t trust him. And I know how stupid that sounds because I do trust him. And then some comments were made about him being posted still as a bachelor in some article and some people aren’t sure of our relationship. . .” I knew how silly it sounded as I said it out loud.
“But you know you shouldn’t validate your relationship on what everyone says, right?” Megan said.
“I know. I just, I can’t help but feel like this and it’s really frustrating me. An hour before we went to the gallery a few nights ago we had the most amazing sex, sorry Mom,” I added with a small smile. “I just couldn’t get enough of him; I was an animal. And then within hours I snapped and wanted to be by myself. Someone mentioned me being his fiancée and he made it clear that I wasn’t,” I added. I still wasn’t sure how that made me feel. I mean I wasn’t his fiancée but it felt like a form of rejection in a way. He said he didn’t mean to offend me by it, but I was. We hadn’t yet discussed marriage but I wondered if Damon wanted a future like that with me. I now questioned everything.
“Are you upset that he hasn’t proposed?” Megan asked intrigued. My mother looked back and forth between us.
“Well it’s not about that. I haven’t even thought about that myself. I just, I don’t know where my head’s at all of a sudden, and I want to stop being this psycho because it’s affecting my work as well. I’ve never acted like this and I don’t know what to do.”
“Damon’s a good boy and I can tell he loves you dearly,” my mother said. “I don’t think he’s done anything to hurt you purposely Clover. He’s very considerate of you and rather doting.”
“I know which is why I am so infuriated by all of this, most of all I hate me in all of this. How on earth is it fair for a guy like him to end up with me?” I asked almost in tears now. I sighed out in frustration looking to the wall. Again that emotion bubbled on top of me and I felt like I was going to explode with frustration.
“Hayden said you were vomiting today?” Megan questioned. I took another breath before looking at her. Of course Hayden had told her that.
“Damon’s been sick for a few days, I think I caught something off him or maybe it’s the stress,” I said still trying to calm myself. Megan and my mother exchanged another glance.
“What?” I said now frustrated at them. I shook my head in apologies. Tears began to spill down my cheeks. Why was I like this? I went to take another sip of my wine, but my mother’s hand rested on mine. She smiled at me politely and grabbed the glass from my hand.
I looked at her surprised and uncertain as to why she was confiscating my wine, I didn’t feel drunk. Admittedly alcohol never helped anyone deal with their issues, but I certainly wanted to try and take the edge off. My mother placed my glass on the other side of her.
“Clover, my beautiful strong and so over calculating daughter who is the organizer and perfectionist of this lifetime,” she said dramatically. “When was the last time you had your period?”
“What?!” I asked her narrowing my eyes on her. I didn’t understand her question until it dawned on me. “You think I’m pregnant? That’s ridiculous. . .” As I said it my mind started doing some calculations. My eyebrows burrowed in confusion as none of the numbers were adding up.
I got out of my chair and grabbed the wall calendar which rested near the fridge. I flicked through the months trying to pinpoint my last period. Much to my dismay, I couldn’t remember. Hopelessly lost in the dates that seemed to flood me, I ripped it off the wall and sat back down with it. I just starred at the dates, trying to think of events which happened on certain weeks and questioned if I had them then. I had already flicked back over three months.
I looked up at my mother and sister speechless. They starred back at me with some sort of knowing smile. I just stared at them silently. No thought came to mind; I was utterly stunned.
“That. . .” I stammered. “That… I… I can’t be,” I said in shock. That had to be a mistake. The sound of a photo being taken took me away from my daze. Megan sat there with her phone poised in the air.
“I’m sorry it’s not very often I see you speechless,” Megan said with a smile.
“Megan!” My mother lectured her. My mother rested her hand on mine. “Sweetie, what are you thinking?” I was still numb and shocked. I tried to say something but closed my mouth again. I had no answer, I was utterly stunned. It couldn’t be true.
“Hold up. I think I’ve got a spare pregnancy test,” Megan said as she stood up and walked behind my mother and me. My mother was quick to snap around on Megan.
“And why do you have one?” My mother said accusingly. Megan shrugged her off.
“Eh, I had a scare a few months ago. My period was late, but who knows, maybe I was going in sync with a certain someone who hasn’t been getting hers.”
“Megan, you are really not helping!” My mother lectured her again. She shrugged and walked through the lounge room and up the stairs.
“Clover,” my mother said reminding me she was still there.
“Mom,” I said far too calmly and smooth. I sounded like a robot. “I, I don’t understand,” was all I could say. My heart pounded in my chest and that nauseous swirl crept up again. I ran over to the bin and hurled into it, pushing my hair to the side. I hunched over it in a sobbing manner. My mother held my hair from behind, stroking through it.
“I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I was vomiting almost every day with you girls,” she commented. I sagged further to the floor and sat against the bench. I wiped my mouth with the dishcloth that was beside my head and hung on the stove. I looked at my belly self-consciously and suddenly very aware of that minor weight gain I passed off as something else.
Megan walked back into the room with a small box in her hand. “You know I noticed you had a little chub on your stomach. I didn’t want to say anything, and don’t get me wrong you’re still rocking the pencil skirts.”
She knelt down in front of me and held out the pregnancy test to me. “You know, I was a horny rabbit when I was pregnant, just saying. If you and Damon are having wild crazy sex, it’s probably because you are super sensitive everywhere and your hormones are in overdrive. I used to tear shreds into that ex idiot of mine.” My mother still stood beside her with her arms crossed. She looked somewhat worried. Obviously the shock I felt was as evident on my face. “Come on,” Megan encouraged. “Only one way to be sure and then we will take it from there afterwards.”
Chapter Thirteen
“Clover, earth to Clover?” Megan snapped her fingers in front of me. Two little faint lines. It was the simplest of things and yet it impacted me so greatly, I had no words. I just stared at the stupid test in my hand. I sat on the edge of the bathtub clinging one hand to it like it anchored my entire world. That nauseous vomit sensation rose again. I took a deep breath to hold it down. “Oi. Snap out of it.” Megan banged against the bathtub startling me. My mother lectured her again but it was just the startle I needed to try and focus and think of what I was going to do.
“What do I do?” I asked them.
“What do you mean, what do you do? Probably start by telling Damon,” Megan said. I looked at her shocked.
I wrapped my arm around myself self-consciously. We had never spoken of children.
“What if he doesn’t want kids?” I asked pathetically. We had never discussed this nor did I expect this so soon.
“Clover, if there is one thing I’ve learnt about that man,” my mother grabbed my attention. “It is that he loves you unconditionally and I think you will be surprised by how excited he is by this. Men are funny that way. They melt like butter when it comes to their own children.”
“Well some do,” Megan said begrudgingly. Her ex who was the father of Ethan and Christian was both abusive and now an alcoholic as well. “But Damon I could totally see being pushed around by mini Brogardt’s. How does he act around his new niece?”
“He doesn’t want to hold her very often because she is so small and he’s scared he will hurt her,” I panicked. What if he doesn’t want to hold our child? Our child. Our child. Our baby. Baby. The words just repeated in my mind so unnaturally.
“Don’t worry about that, men are like that all the time, but it’s different with their own,” my mother said. I pressed my hand to my stomach as if readying to feel something, of course nothing happened. It was strange to think that I harbored a baby inside of me right now. Guilt flushed over me as I thought about all the wine and beer I had in that time.
“I was drinking,” I said panicked. What if I had caused harm to it, what if I hurt it in anyway? Megan began to laugh. My mother gave her a warning glare.
“Clover, you’ve found out like most people. People drink all the time without realizing. You didn’t know, certainly don’t beat yourself up about it,” my mother said.
“Oi,” Megan rested her hand on mine. “This is a happy occasion. This is a celebration. Clover you are going to be a mother, there is no greater gift in the world.” It sounded like something my mother would say. I stared at Megan for a moment. She now had two children, nine and seven. She had experience, she knew what to do. I had never thought much about children let alone how to raise my own.
“But you know what you’re doing. I don’t,” My voice came out squeaky, I didn’t want to disappoint this baby. I was still trying to grasp onto this being a reality, but already I felt somewhat protective of it. Although I didn’t feel good for the way that I acted and treated Damon, all those mixed emotions and mood swings slightly made sense to me. At least there was a cause and I wasn’t turning into a terrible person. A small part of me felt relieved, but then on a larger scale I was daunted by the idea of what was to come.
“I don’t know what I am doing, no one does. You just take it as it comes,” Megan said honestly. “You just need to remember that you are the strongest and most incredible, hard-working woman I know. You succeed in everything else you do so don’t have any doubt in this. Besides, the first few years you helped me greatly with my two. Remember that I was basically giving you practice and thank me.” She cocked a smile at the end.
I let out a part cry part laugh sigh. “I’m pregnant,” I said in a low voice. “I think.” I burrowed my eyebrows in confusion.
“No Clover, there’s no, you think. You are,” Megan said. You have all of tomorrow to think about how you are going to tell Damon on Sunday. Don’t doubt his loyalty or love for you. He will be stoked.”
“We work so hard. His work-” My mother cut me off.
“Everything changes, you will see. You simply adapt to a new life; it will be okay. He will be very happy Clover, trust me, your mother is always right,” she said tapping the side of her nose.
I still stared at the pregnancy test in disbelief. I’m pregnant.
Chapter Fourteen
My mind had fluttered over this new discovery over the two days that I stayed with my mother and Megan. If not distracted by my family, I was in my own world fantasizing about the possibilities. Much to my surprise I quickly adapted to the idea. I had never been overly maternal or thought much about children, but now having that future at hand both terrified and excited me. I very much looked forward to meeting this bundle that was growing inside of me.
I watched Ethan and Christian fight over a toy as if studying how I would find a solution to it. Parenting was a completely different challenge to anything else I had worked towards before. I loved my work and would continue my writing, but for some reason, no matter how much I had worked and only focused on my career beforehand, it seemingly now seemed irrelevant.
I sat there with my legs crossed bathing in the beautiful sun. How had I not ever really thought about this or considered it before? It was strange because since finding out, I hadn’t felt nauseous or sick since. The only time I grew uneasy was when I thought about telling Damon. I wanted so badly to call him, to tell him that I needed to see him immediately. But I knew he was still away on a conference and because of the distance there was between us, I just couldn’t call him.
My phone vibrated and I looked at the screen. Ironically, Damon had texted me.
‘I miss you. Let’s talk about it when we get back. I’ve booked out a place for dinner, meet me there?’ I relieved a bitter smile. I felt so foolish for how I had treated him and felt enlightened to know why my emotions had been such a roller coaster over the last few weeks. I didn’t want to use it as an excuse but I had heard farfetched stories of women and things they had done while pregnant. I felt slightly tame in comparison. Now that I knew why, at least I was aware of it and could try my hardest not to overreact in such ways.
I raised my knee and comfortably wrapped my arms around my leg and rested my chin. I text him back with a suspenseful sigh. ‘I miss you too. I would really like that, let me know where.’
I still contemplated how I would tell him, I even tried to prepare a speech. I didn’t think that he would hate it, but I wasn’t sure of how he would receive this information either. Was it too soon? Were we not committed enough? He was heartbroken by his high school sweetheart who had claimed to carry his child, and then he later found out before the birth it was his best friends. How much had that scarred him? Had he decided he didn’t want children after then?
I felt in my heart that he wouldn’t react in such a way but was still apprehensive about it. This wasn’t light news, and a large commitment, one which I didn’t deny. There was no alternative option. I hadn’t even considered aborting it. After the initial shock, I was happy about this. I wanted to have this child.
“Wow, could you look any more dazed?” Megan said as she walked outside. Hayden followed behind her. Ethan and Christian stopped fighting and instantly dropped the army figurines they were playing with and ran to him. Both of them ogled over him like he was a celebrity. In the sports world I suppose he was well known and successful with Zilch Enterprises. But they were children who only judged him as the person he was. Hayden never gave himself much credit, because of his tendencies to be well known with the ladies. He had a little scaring from his own childhood and I hoped that one day he views himself as we do now with him interacting with the boys.
“Can you show me that cool technique?” Ethan said giddily. Hayden smiled and was dragged towards the backyard. Christian had already grabbed the ball and was offering it to him.
“Only quickly because me and your Aunt Cloves have to hit the road,” he said. He grabbed the ball and began bouncing it on his knee with no fault. Megan and I watched over them with admiration, admittedly it was an adorable scene. I remember last time Damon and I came and he was the same. He played with the boys building odd shapes and buildings out of Lego. He raced around the backyard exhausting himself in the process.
“We have good men surrounding us,” I said randomly. Megan agreed. We both fell silent. I think that we were both thinking about Dad. It had been many years now since he passed. I still missed him and it pained my heart to not be able to talk with him still. No matter how often I had come to terms with it, it still made me feel fragile to have lost him so soon. I think he would’ve been proud with the men we surrounded ourselves with. Even if nothing happened between Hayden and Megan,
which I highly doubted, he was just the male role model the boys needed with their alcoholic, abusive father absent. Damon was a good role model as well and they really thrived off the visits. We had to make time to visit more.
I smiled to myself. I wonder if I would have a little boy too, or maybe it was a girl. I didn’t want one more than the other, I was grateful for either. I knew that Damon would be a fantastic father and I fantasized about us as a family. I grew in strength. I needed to stop doubting his intentions. I very much think that after the initial shock, Damon will be happy to hear the news. I knew him and I loved him. This child was just another extension of that love, I was certain he would view it as the same and I believed in that, because the alternative was too heartbreaking to continue to worry about.
Chapter Fifteen
Hayden and I spoke at length about some personal issues he had just been going through. Much to my surprise, he opened up and told me about a model named Amy who he had sort of been seeing. Ironically, as I kept my own secret hidden, he told me that she was claiming to be pregnant with his child. Amber, his personal assistant, who was very boisterous and intense, was very protective of Hayden. I hadn’t yet met her, but Megan had once worked with her for a while in a previous job at a warehouse years ago before she gave birth to Ethan. They recently began hanging out again because of the reconnection through Hayden. By the way Megan described her to me, she sounded as forward and rough as Megan could be, only with the Italian temper to back her up.
She was convinced it was a lie and made sure that nothing reached the public ear. After all the commotion and dramas of the situation, Hayden was able to prove that it wasn’t his. He felt both stupid and pained to know that she had tried to trick him after they’d known one another for so long and that she was only after the attachment to him for her own fame and pocket.
My Expectation (My Escort Series Book 3) Page 6