What seemed like an eternity later, Dr. Henry walked down the hall, cleaning the sweat off his forehead. My heart beat at a thousand miles per hour. I studied his expression, his body language, anything that gave away the worst, but he gave me a smile and told me congratulations, that I've just become the father of a healthy baby boy.
A baby boy.
He led me down to the nursing center. There, down the long hall, we stopped by a large glass window where on the other side lied all the newborn babies. They all looked so alike, so small and vulnerable. The only way you can tell the difference was between the pink or blue beanie and blankets. Dr. Henry points to the nurse who carefully placed a baby wrapped in a blue blanket in the crib in front of me. The stamp on the crib read 'It's A Boy!' Followed by, 'Hi, My Name Is..." Blank. We haven't named him yet.
I look down at the small child in front of me, sleeping soundly, swaddled in a blue blanket like a burrito. He's so small. So breakable. And his face tugs memories that have been buried long in the past. He looks so much like Elizabeth when she was born. They’re identical.
"How's Katherine?" I ask Dr. Henry without taking my eyes off the child.
"She's resting," he answered. "She'll be okay. Would you like to hold your son?"
And there it is. That moment of hesitation where the thought of holding the child brings back all the fears I’ve hidden for the past nine months. I ache for the contact, but at the same time I fear it. It’s an ongoing nightmare, a constant tug and pull.
"No. I'll like for his mother to hold him first."
“She already did,” Dr. Henry said. "Right before she was taken back to her room. Do you?"
"I'll wait until she wakes up," I whispered. I may not want to hold him, but I do want to watch him for a while longer. "Can I stay here for a while?"
"You can go inside if you want instead."
He gives a better alternative and for that I’m grateful. I walk over to the crib of my unnamed baby boy, each step slower than the last. It helps build the anticipation. The nurse offers me a chair before she goes to take care of the other newborns. I sit next to his crib, looking down at him as he slept. He stirs inside the blanket, his small mouth opens in a perfect and toothless O. I study each of his features. His eyelashes are long and curled, girls will surely envy that and his nose is small just like his mother’s, but something tells me those lips are mine. I reached over and softly caressed his cheek. Just a light stroke. His skin is soft and warm under my touch and almost as soon as I touch him, I take my hand away. As soft as it is, to me it feels like an electric shock.
"Hi," I whisper, unsure of what to say. "I'm your dad." I pause, biting my lip. He’s here, he’s mine and I still find it hard to grasp. "I can't promise you that I'll be the world's best dad, but I’ll do the best I can. I’ll try every single day and that’s a promise I’m willing to keep."
* * *
I rock on the chair back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The silence in the room is pleasant. The atmosphere is warm. The view outside the window is also pleased with the colors of the sky turning red, yellow, orange and pink. Unfortunately, the high skyscrapers of the city block most of the view.
"Aidan, can you watch him while I go bathe Elizabeth?"
Katherine walks into the room with a bundle in her arms. Her skirt waves with each step she takes until she reaches me and gently lowers the baby in my arms, making sure I have a secure hold on him before pulling away. She looks at me, pulling her hair behind her ear. "Are you okay?" She asked. I nod, looking down at our child. "Okay." She gives me a quick peck on the lips and leaves to bathe Elizabeth.
My son stirs around in my arms, wide awake. His brown eyes stare at me with a small grin on his face. Little Tate is almost three months old now and sometimes it seems like he's older than that. Like he understands me. I give him my index finger which he gladly takes and pulls in his toothless mouth. I rock him back and forth, humming the lullaby that puts him to sleep in no time. I can't believe how warm he is, how soft his skin feels, how easy it is to be near him. I thought it was going to be hard, I thought I wouldn’t be able to connect with him, but it wasn’t. It came naturally and it took me by surprise. I leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.
Tate Callahan.
My third child.
Unfortunately, I still can’t shake away the feeling: fear. Fear of dropping him, fear of hurting him; fear of letting him down, fear of disappointing him; fear of causing him misery, fear of his own cries. Fear of almost everything that has to do with him.
After he is sound asleep, I walk him to his nursery and carefully place him in his crib. I watch him sleep with his hands on each side of his head in small fists. I watch his chest intently, making sure he is breathing and sometimes I place my hand on his chest to double-check. I count the times he moves or twitches or the times there is the slightest movement behind his eyelids. The silence helps me hear his breathing better, sometimes his grunts. It’s not something I do often, but whenever I have the chance to check up on him, I take it. And that usually happens when I cannot sleep at night.
Katherine’s arms wrap around my waist and pull me in a tight hug from behind. She leaves a trail of kisses from my shoulder, my neck and behind my ear.
“I was thinking,” I said.
“Really? About what?”
“I was thinking about taking a break.”
“And you would be taking a break from what exactly?”
“My job. Music.”
It takes a moment to get her response. Her arms loosen around me as she pulls away and walks around me, leaning against the crib. Her expression is of disbelief like she’s having a hard time understanding what I just said. It’s cute, really. It’s very rare when I get this reaction from her.
"Aidan," she said, "you're thirty-two years old, how are you going to retire? What are you planning to do?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. I thought it might be a good idea to leave work for a while."
Katherine shook her head, completely incredulous. "This has to be the most absurd idea I've ever heard you say." She laughed. It's one of those incredulous laughs, sarcastic maybe. "Aidan, music is your life. You can't throw it away."
"You're my life," I corrected her. "All three of you are and I'm not throwing it away. I wouldn't be throwing anything away. It's just a break."
Katherine sighed, running her hands through her hair. "What are you planning to do?"
"I was thinking perhaps we could move out to the country, have our own house and maybe I could set up a shop where I could sell good quality instruments at a cheap price for those who can't afford them." I wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her temple. “It’s just a thought.”
"Out to the country?" I nod. "So, we'd be living out in the middle of nowhere, gardening and horseback riding." I nod, my smile getting bigger and bigger at the idea. "A place where our kids would have to walk a long way to school. A place where it is very silent and it's all to ourselves?"
"Yes."
"That has to be the most absurd idea I've ever heard you say," she repeated. Her arms wrap around my neck and pulled me closer to her, her smile creeping on the edge of her lips. "Let's do it."
"Really?" I asked. A hint of hope - something I have not felt in a very long time - grew inside my chest. Katherine nodded, biting her lower lip. "Thank you!" I kiss her lips, making our hug tighter and laugh.
She pulled away, her hands ran through my hair and pulled it away from my face. She nudges my glasses up my nose. Something she's been doing for awhile and I love it because those little gestures of hers make me feel so much better.
"You still have to come to town to see Dr. Moore and your family," she replied.
"I will." As long as I need to for her.
* * *
"Well, Aidan, I have to say I did not see this coming from you." Dr. Moore took off his glasses and smiled. "What brought this on?"
"I need a change for a change." I shrug
ged, walking around the room. "I think it might be good for us. The quiet, the space, they're not something you easily find in the city."
He nodded and looked down at his notebook, processing the news. He stayed silent for a couple of minutes until he closed his notebook. "I guess this is it."
"Oh, no, Katherine and I agreed that I would still come every Wednesday," I explained.
He chuckled and shook his head, amused.
"No, I don't think that will be necessary," he said. He placed his notebook on the table next to him and looked at me. He looked rather satisfied with himself. "The way I do my job is that I watch my patients, I get to know them and process their decisions and come to a conclusion whether they need my help or not. I can't say that you've made it because you don't know what you want to overcome yet. You have improved since the first time I saw you, yes, but you still have a long way to go. And to get what you want will not be with the help of a psychologist but with yourself."
I sat down across from him and thought of how many times this man always said these kinds of things with certainty. He had no doubt in his voice. He also sounds so sure of himself, he thinks I will come to some sort of epiphany that will help me overcome whatever it is I have to overcome. The only other person who speaks with this kind of certainty is my wife.
"How do you know?" I asked.
"I don't," he said and shrugged. "But I have faith. Most im- portantly, you need to have faith."
Chapter Twenty-Six
Aidan
Three Years Later...
"Daddy, what about these?" I look down at the pink notebooks with Hello Kitty written all over them Lizzie hands me. "I like these."
"We'll take these then." I grab them and put them in the cart. "Anything else you need? Got everything on the list?" I ask her.
She took out her list she made herself and pulled it close to her face. "Pencils?" She looked inside the cart. "Check. Erasers? Check. Paper? Check. Notebooks? Check. Backpack? Check. Lunch box? Check. Uniform? Check-"
"Extra pair of underwear?"
"Daddy!" She laughed.
"Hey, you never know, baby. The first day of school can be scary!" Lizzie laughed. Her small dimples just make her look so adorable.
"No, I'm a big girl! Big girls don't need an extra pair of undies," she stated, crossing her arms over her small chest.
"Oh, sure you are, sweetheart." Katherine walked up to us and placed a box of small Sunny-D juices in the cart.
"No," Tate said from behind his mother. "Lizzie seeps with the light on and the dor open."
"Alright, big guy, got what you needed?" He nodded, handing me his Spider-Man socks. "Do we have everything? I'm not coming back if any of you forgot anything."
"I think that's it," Katherine said. "Got everything in your list, baby?"
"Yes, Mommy," Lizzie said, showing her list to her mother. "Can't wait for school tomorrow!"
I leaned over my elbows on the cart, looking at my little girl who has grown up painfully fast. My little girl will be starting kindergarten tomorrow and I'm not sure I'm ready for her to go yet. She's so young and this is a big step. I've tried many times to convince Katherine to homeschool Lizzie, and many times I've failed. Katherine leaned her chin against my shoulder, her arms wrapped around my back as we watched our children run to the cash register.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm just a little nervous for tomorrow. It's her first day of school."
"Yes, it is. It happens to all parents, Aidan, they're not going to stay young and cute forever," she said and pulled away. "I can't wait to see you when she's a teen."
My god, much worse. The cashier lady noticed all the school supplies and she asked Elizabeth if it was her first day of school tomorrow to which she answered with a very exciting yes. She's very excited about school and knowing how organized she is, she will make sure everything is perfect for her first day. Tate is excited, too. He finally gets the house to himself and TV to himself for half a day.
"Daddy, will you take me to school tomorrow?" Lizzie asked during our drive back home.
"Actually, your mother and I agreed to let you walk all the way to school by yourself since you're a big girl," I joked. That's not true, I would never let her walk to school on her own. Lizzie pouts and Katherine slapped my arm, laughing. "Of course, sweetheart, I will."
"Daddy, can we get donals?" Tate asked.
"No, there's food at home," Katherine said in her stern mother tone. I gave her a look and she continued to say no. "Aidan, your children are grounded, remember? They do not deserve McDonald's after their little scene."
I guess that's not going by any time soon. Lizzie and Tate made a big mess inside the house last week while Katherine and I were at the garage paying the mechanic to fix our car. When we entered our home, the house was upside down because my children made a big mess while playing tag. Katherine was not happy about it.
"How come they're only my children when they're bad?" I asked.
"You were the one who wanted kids, remember? I just delivered," she replied. Those comments of hers always annoyed me. I reach over and pinch her leg. She giggled, pushing my hand away. "Behave," she warned.
* * *
Katherine fixed my jacket, straightened my tie and pulled a few hairs away from my forehead that had fallen loose, not failing to remind me that I need a haircut. I took a deep breath through my mouth and exhaled through my nose. I would like to feel calm and happy that today is her first day of school, but I'm not. I'm a nervous wreck and a little nauseous.
"It's going to be fine," she said. "It's her first day of school, what's the worst that can happen?"
"I know." I swallowed the tight knot in my throat, looking down at my hands. "To be truly honest, I don't know why I'm so nervous. This day was going to come whether we like it or not."
"Exactly." She gave me a kiss. "I love you."
"I love you," I tell her. I kiss her back but we are interrupted when Lizzie shouts from downstairs. "I'll see you later."
On our way to school, Lizzie kept singing along to whatever song came on the radio, even if she didn't know the exact words. I took a quick second here and there to look at her in the mirror. Her small feet dangled off her booster seat and she swayed from one side to another as she stared at the green view outside her window.
She jumped out of the car before I had the chance to help her out when we got to school. As we crowded at the gate, she kept jumping up and down, repeating over and over I'm so excited. The other children around us looked a little scared, nervous and they were all holding onto their parents. Why couldn't she act like that? If she did, I would most certainly use it as an excuse for not leaving her here. We could homeschool her, I'm sure I could convince my wife one way or another. Hell, I'll teach her myself if I have to.
When the gates opened, I had to hold on tighter to her hand to prevent her from running off. I'm not ready to let her go. Some kids she knew from daycare would wave at her and say hi as they passed by.
We found her classroom at the end of the building. The teacher, Ms. Duval, was lining up the students in alphabetical order. My hand tightens around Lizzie's hand as I watched the parents say goodbye to their children. They left them just like that, without looking back and here I am struggling to detach myself from her. I could feel the blood boil from inside, my stomach twisting in the worst way possible.
"Daddy? Daddy!" I look down at Lizzie, who's waving a hand at me for my attention. "Can you let me go?"
Let her go? Right now… Can I do that? I swallow, looking down at our joined hands. I kneel down in front of her just to have a few more seconds with her and fix her jacket and her curly hair.
"You're ready?" I asked her, hoping she would tell me no and that she wanted to go home with her mother. She nodded her head excitedly instead.
"Mommy said you're scared."
"I'm not scared, I'm a little nervous. You're my little girl." I paused when my eyes met her green ones. There was n
o way I could fool her. "Be a good girl, okay? Listen to your teacher and make many friends, okay? Don't talk to strangers and if anything, our numbers are in your notebook, first page, call me, please. I'll be here to pick you up at one."
"I'll be okay, Daddy." She pulled her hand from my grip and wrapped both her small arms around my neck. Her wet lips press against my cheek. I sigh, hugging her tighter. I loved how warm she felt. "I love you, Daddy," she whispered.
"I love you, baby."
She tried to pull away but I was still reluctant to let her go. Maybe it was better if Katherine had done this. I let her go and she ran off to her teacher, leaving me kneeled down without her. I watched as she introduced herself to her teacher and pointed at me. The teacher waved hi at me then told Lizzie where to stand in line. At eight exactly the bell rang and all the students were guided inside the building. Before Lizzie disappeared inside, she turned to me and waved me goodbye.
The shop was open by the time I got there.
"Aidan," Thomas, my employee, greets me when I walk in. He's one of my few employees I have, there's no need for too many people here. He's nice. Divorced with a ten-year-old girl.
"Thomas. How was your weekend?" I asked him.
"It was fine. I heard Elizabeth was finally going to school today," he said while fixing the music collection.
"Yes, I just dropped her off."
"How's Kathy?" He asked.
I hold back the urge to growl. Good thing my back is to him. He's a good man and all, but a little too friendly with my wife. And no, I'm not the jealous type but I've seen the way he looks at her. I've looked at her like that myself. Katherine says they're friends but he's a man and I know what man could think when they see a woman like my wife.
"My wife is fine," I tell him. "She stayed home with our son."
He nodded and chose not to ask anymore. "The packages will be here at noon," he said, walking to the storage room.
I started off my day like any other, working. I fix the instruments that are brought to me from their owners or people who found them in the trash. I never thought that my own business would come in handy, people come here to either try out the instruments, buy them, donate them or learn how to play them. Not to mention the large music collection we have.
Same Old Song Page 19