‘Wait. Don’t you want to stay for a coffee?’ Jenna’s eyes were pleading with her friend. So, she didn’t want to have to face being on her own with him and the gaping hole between them. That made two of them.
Faith picked up two plates and cups and walked to the door. ‘I have things to do. Like looking up trading rules on the council website. There must be a bylaw or something I can invoke to stop him.’
Then she was gone.
For a few moments, there was just an awkward silence, and the memory of the kiss seemed to hang around them. No words, just a strange, weird feeling in his chest that made him want to get the hell out, and yet tug her into his arms at the same time. This was so unlike him. He’d faced down insurgents with less anxiety.
Jenna wrung her hands together and laughed. ‘Poor guy. Once Faith gets a bee in her bonnet, there’s no stopping her.’
‘I know someone else like that too.’
‘Who?’ Her eyes widened. She pressed her palm against her chest, and he wished she hadn’t because his eyes zeroed in right there. She was wearing a black T-shirt with a wreath of flowers in yellows and golds on it. The petals fanned out over her breasts and seemed to reflect light onto her face, like holding buttercups under the chin—some silly game he’d played when he was a kid. Her legs were wrapped in black Lycra that accentuated her curves. He’d never seen her looking so damned sexy. Blinking, she smiled. ‘Me?’
‘Of course you.’ He decided to cloak the conversation in work-related things. He flicked open his black notepad and started to walk around the shop. ‘Okay. So tell me what happened.’
‘Oh yes. My statement.’
He laughed. ‘Not really a statement as such. Just facts about what happened. What time… that kind of thing. You do watch a lot of cop shows.’
She brightened. ‘I told you, Netflix and chocolate are my two best friends. Right. Facts. We were all running in the running club—’
‘You signed up for it?’ After he’d seen her running the other day, he’d thought she’d flat-out refuse to join the club. She didn’t exactly look like a natural runner or as if she enjoyed any part of it.
‘I set up my own club.’
‘Of course you did.’ No easy route for Jenna. She always rose to a challenge, like right now. She was fired up, her eyes light and bright like a summer sky.
Damn. He was thinking in poetry. What the hell was happening to his head?
But he knew what was happening. Jenna was happening.
He wanted to run his hands over her. To back her up against the counter and slip his palms under that T-shirt. To feel her skin underneath his.
To be inside her.
Damn. Man the hell up.
He shouldn’t have come here. He should have passed the job to someone else, to someone who could be objective, who would be listening to her instead of imagining how she would feel around him. Wondering how he could be so attracted to someone that it made him doubt his sanity.
But she was still well into the conversation. Just like he should have been, instead of mooning over something he couldn’t have. ‘Well the book group didn’t want to run with runners, and trust me, I absolutely agree on that front.’
‘You did fine with me.’ They both knew she didn’t.
‘No, actually, I nearly died. I just pretended I could keep up to impress you.’ She had nothing to gain by admitting this. It was just Jenna being self-deprecating, as usual. Refreshing. She relayed the details of earlier that morning. The suspect fit the description of a similar breakin yesterday. He was getting lazy. One day soon he’d be caught. She pointed to the glass on the floor. ‘Do you need to dust for fingerprints or anything?’
‘I’ll radio in and see what the boss says. There’ve been a few of these now, so I imagine he’ll say not to waste resources.’
‘But then you might never find the perp.’
He laughed. ‘The what?’
She was all earnest and fired up. ‘Perpetrator. I know the lingo; I watch Lewis.’
‘I don’t know why the Met bothers with all that expensive training for its coppers when we have all these experts in our midst.’
‘Glad you think I’m funny.’
She laughed along too, and it was so good to see, unlike last time. He loved to see her like this, loved to make her laugh. He should be doing more of that instead of trying to kiss her. That laugh was precious, and he didn’t want to lose it from his life. Anything more was off limits. ‘You are, Jenna. You are very good value.’
Suddenly the laughter stopped and her eyes darkened and he couldn’t help asking, ‘Hey, are we… are things okay? I’m sorry about the other night. I shouldn’t have….’
The laugh fizzled out and she nodded. ‘It’s okay. Let’s say the word. We kissed and we stepped over a line. I hope it doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends?’
‘Absolutely. Friends is where we should be.’
She exhaled long and deep. ‘Great. So no more Mr Grumpy?’
‘No. I wasn’t grumpy. I was angry with myself for being weak and giving in to base needs rather than fighting them.’
She blinked. ‘Base needs? Aha. Very clinical.’
Nowhere near it. Clinical was what he wanted, what he expected from himself, but he was a long way from achieving it, especially when he was around her. It was as if she bewitched him with her laugh and her bluest eyes and easy smile. He fought every moment not to touch her, to tell her what was going on his head—how things were changing and he couldn’t stop them no matter how hard he tried. ‘I’m trying to put them out there, the feelings and stuff.’ He pointed into the space in front of them. Gah, he was so bad at this, but he had to say it out loud to keep her at arm’s length along with those feelings. ‘So I can deal with them there and not in here.’ He touched his head. His heart. Then he grinned as he pointed lower. Much lower. ‘Here, this is most of the problem.’
She looked at his groin and then back at his face and couldn’t help laughing again. ‘Problem? You have a problem there?’
Whoa. Not quite what he intended. ‘No. I have no problems there, trust me. I just don’t want it interfering with clear thought processes. And I definitely don’t want it interfering with my friendships. You deserve more than what I can give you, a whole lot more than me.’
She shook her head. ‘Actually, you’re pretty decent. And if I was in the market for a guy, which I’m not, I’d be looking for someone just like you.’
If she only knew him, how he’d had his heart ripped out and tossed aside and wasn’t sure there was anything left of it. How he just wasn’t ever going to go there again. Not even with her. Because he’d learned the hard way that giving someone your trust was the biggest mistake you could make.
He looked at the shards of glass on the floor and then his radio blared with a crackly voice. Work. He was here for work. ‘Sorry. This isn’t really the—’
‘Time or place? Yeah, you keep saying that.’ Her smile slipped. ‘I mean, when is the right time to actually have a decent bloody chat with a mate about what’s going on in your life?’
‘Without wanting to… kiss them?’ He didn’t feel regretful about it, just disappointed in himself. And shit, yes, he wanted to do it again.
‘You said the word. There. Not too hard really?’ She tapped her fingers on the counter and grinned. ‘Oh, Nick, I’m so glad we can talk about this. Let’s put it behind us. Forget it happened.’
No way would he ever forget. ‘I’m sure we can. We were there for each other for so long. I don’t want to lose you as a friend. It’d be good if we could get that back on track.’
‘You know what? How about we try again? How about we have a relaxed dinner together some time next week? Just as friends. Thursday’s good because Mum’s out then. Actually, she’s going on a cruise, so she won’t be back until Sunday.’
‘You okay with that? Us two. Alone?’ He wasn’t sure if he was.
‘We’re two grown people. We can certainly co
ntrol our base needs.’ She smirked. ‘I can tell you about the running club. And you can tell me what’s happening about finding the burglar. What’s more, I’ll cook. I owe you food. But you may need to bring indigestion tablets for afterwards.’
He mentally scrolled through his diary. Thursday rang a bell. ‘Ah. No. Just remembered. Can’t make it.’
Her forehead crinkled. ‘Oh. My cooking’s not that bad. Honestly.’
‘I have my passing out ceremony that day.’
‘Oh, I’ve heard about those. The Lord Mayor gives a speech and everything, very swish. I hope you’ve been practising your marching.’
Really? ‘Jenna, I was a soldier for a very long time. I’m king of marching, okay?’
She looked at his legs, then higher up. Smiled. ‘I imagine you are.’
‘Why don’t you come? My guest?’ The words were out before he could check himself. But it was a harmless enough thing, wasn’t it? Just some time together… oh, and with about a hundred or so other recruits, plus trainers, families. Nothing could happen except a deepening of the friendship they both valued so much.
Her cheeks had coloured. ‘Y-you want me to come to the ceremony?’
‘Yes, Jenna. I want you to come to the ceremony.’ He did. More than anything. ‘It’s at Hendon, but I’ll have to get there early, so you’d have to make your own way there. Problem?’
‘Not a problem at all. I’ll talk to Chloe, see if she can mind the shop and have Evie. Not a date, though?’
‘No. Definitely not a date.’ If he said it often enough, he might even believe it.
Jenna exhaled slowly and repeated, ‘Good. Not a date.’
Even though it felt distinctly like one.
*
***
*
‘You want me to babysit while you go on a date with Nick? Sure. But you have to promise to tell me everything. And I mean everything.’ It was their first time off together in weeks. Mum had taken Evie to church, and the shop wasn’t opening until ten. So, Chloe and Jenna were catching up for an early breakfast in a tiny, steamy cafe just off Notting Hill Gate.
Although, Jenna wished she wasn’t, given she was being given the third degree by her big sister. ‘It is not a date.’
‘Honey, a gorgeous, single, heterosexual man has invited you to a ceremony celebrating his achievements. Whatever else you want to dress it up as, it’s a date.’ Chloe raised her hands as if to signal no further argument. Her decision was final.
It wasn’t. ‘A man and a woman can be friends without sexual attraction coming into it.’
Chloe took a gulp of her Americano. ‘Oh, that old conundrum. Yes, I’m sure a man and woman can be friends without sex. But not this particular man and woman. Come on, admit you want to. And don’t lie, I can see it in your eyes. In your whole body, Jen. You positively glow when his name’s mentioned. You should see yourself when he’s actually in the room. Cliché, I know, but you light up.’
Not what Jenna wanted to hear. ‘I do not glow, and I definitely don’t light up.’
‘Yes, you do. It’s lovely. I think you should give it a chance.’
‘Give what a chance? He said he doesn’t want me.’ Which was more confusing than ever, because clearly he did, otherwise he wouldn’t have kissed her in the first place. And the stupid thing about it was, Chloe was right. She couldn’t look at Nick without imagining things, sexual things. So many things….
‘How do you know until you try? He seems very keen whenever he’s around you.’
‘He told me he wasn’t good for me.’
Chloe’s cup clattered into the saucer and the crowded cafe fell silent. ‘Wow. You had that conversation. So things must have got to a situation where you needed to have it. What happened? Spill.’
‘No.’ Jenna lowered her voice, relieved when the other customers started to chat quietly too.
But if she didn’t actually say the words out loud, she was scared the kiss may just become a figment of her imagination rather than a memory. And deep inside her, the fizz intensified and she just had to blurt it out to someone. ‘We kissed.’
Chloe fist pumped the air. ‘I knew it! Yay.’
‘And then we stopped. Because… well, you know why, Chloe. So many reasons why. Evie. Ollie.’
Chloe blinked. ‘Don’t bring him into this. He’s dead, honey.’
‘Don’t you think I know that?’ Jenna couldn’t help snapping. ‘And what if I let myself fall for Nick and he… and he dies too? What then?’
Chloe wrapped her hand over her sister’s and squeezed. ‘You can’t go round thinking like that, Jenna. You can’t save everybody, and you can’t spend your life thinking every minute that they’re going to die. You’ll go mad. You’ll lose out on so much. We all have to take some risks or we’ll shrivel up and die, lonely and sad. Think about it. What about that phrase, better to have loved and lost than never having loved at all?’
‘You really are full of clichés today, aren’t you? I don’t love him, for a start. Plus, he said he wasn’t good for me.’ Trouble was, she definitely had feelings for him, and they weren’t going away.
‘But he kissed you?’
‘Aha. Come on, or we’ll be late to open the shop.’ In reality, they had more than enough time to meander down the hill, but she wasn’t sitting here having her life dissected. Jenna left some money for the bill next to her cup, gathered her bag and coat and hauled Chloe outside, hoping to steer her away from all subjects relating to kissing.
But Chloe wasn’t being steered anywhere. She slipped her arm into Jenna’s and walked her towards Holland and Barrett health food shop. They stood looking at the teapot display in the window, for no apparent reason other than that Chloe could ask more questions. ‘Was it a friendly non-sexual kiss on the cheek?’
‘No.’
‘An earth-moving kind of kiss?’
‘Oh, for goodness sake, Chloe. Please.’ Jenna turned to her sister. ‘It was a majorly fabulous, totally mind-blowing kiss, okay? Then we stopped and he said he was no good for me. Now stop talking about it.’
They started to meander again for a few moments in silence, and Jenna was just starting to relax when Chloe said, ‘So, he just said that to protect himself, and you. There’s hope. Definitely hope. Don’t you miss it?’
‘What?’
‘Everything.’
‘I think I preferred it when you were pissed off with men and dead set against love.’ Jenna sighed. Of course she missed it. More than she ever wanted to admit. She’d never be able to fill the hole Ollie had left—not just the Ollie bits, but the other things associated with having a life partner. Company. Support. She ran her fingers over her wedding ring and her heart dipped, because at some point she’d need to take it off. Wouldn’t she? At what point did you admit you weren’t half of something? She’d always felt as if she was still married to him, still connected, this gold band pinning them together. But now? Three years later? He wasn’t coming back. He was never coming back. He was dead and she had to keep on living, if she had the courage. She wasn’t sure she did.
‘I miss having someone to talk to, to laugh with. I miss the confidence of knowing I’m part of something bigger than just me. I miss having someone I can share decisions and moments with. I miss those little moments, you know, like the little kiss on the top of the head that says I love you, I care. The shared jokes. I miss someone cooking for me, with me, someone deciding what to cook. Someone asking about my day. Kissing. Yes, I like kissing. I’d forgotten about that until Thursday.’ And now she couldn’t get it out of her head. It was as if that kiss had blown life back into the sleeping part of her body.
‘And hot sex.’ Her sister nudged her in the ribs. ‘Don’t you miss that?’
‘I didn’t. But I do now, all of a sudden. But I’m not going to have sex with him. We had one kiss, and it’s not going to happen again, okay? We agreed.’ So, yes, it had been a huge mistake to confide in Chloe. ‘I’m never kissing anyone again. Or any
thing else. Ever.’
‘Okay.’ Chloe stopped walking and took Jenna by the shoulders. ‘Right. Here goes, big sister talk coming up. At some point, you will have sex with someone. It may not be Nick, it may not be for a few years, but you will have sex again, my darling girl, you will, I promise.’
Jenna shuddered. ‘I don’t want to. I mean, all that undressing in front of someone. Ugh. Holding in my stomach until I can’t talk, never mind breathe, faux-casually covering up my stretch marks and wobbly bits. Being scrutinised. Being compared to all the other lovely women in the world.’
Chloe hugged against her. ‘If he’s the right man for you, he won’t scrutinise or compare. He’ll love you for being you.’
‘Maybe with my clothes on, but naked?’
‘Sex does usually require having fewer clothes on than normal, yes. And often it happens between two people. Sometimes more.’
‘More? You have got to be joking. Having it with one person is hard to get my head around.’
‘Oh, honey. I do love you. But you’ve got to admit, doing it by yourself is a bit boring, right?’
Jenna’s mouth opened and closed. What the hell to say to that? ‘Hmmmmm.’
‘If you do decide to have sex, you’re going to need things. Women these days need to be prepared for any eventuality. Condoms. You need condoms.’
No. No. No. ‘I don’t. I’m not even going to have this conversation with you. I am not buying supplies I’m not going to use. What a waste of money.’
‘Look, there’s a sexy shop over there.’ Chloe pointed down a side street to a darkly lit shop with a bright neon sign overhead saying, ADULTS ONLY. ‘We could nip in and grab some condoms.’
‘No way. I am not walking into one of those shops.’ Please don’t be open on a Sunday morning.
‘Sex is meant to be fun, Jenna. There’s nothing wrong with getting some supplies to make things funner.’
‘Funner?’
Chloe shrugged. ‘Just made it up.’
‘I am not walking into that shop and looking someone in the eye and asking them for condoms. They’ll know what I want to do. That I am planning to… you know.’
Something About You (Something Borrowed Series Book 2) Page 13