It Was Always You

by Johnston, Andrea

  Chapter 28

  Drew

  The weeks since Ally left have been miserable. I know I’m a bear to live with, but I’m too busy hating myself to make the change. After Jackie returned to her regular work schedule, my dad came home and was less than impressed with my brooding. He’s tolerated my grunts instead of words and the way I’ve secluded myself, but I can tell he’s about done with it all. I don’t disagree with him. It’s time for me to accept the consequences of my actions.

  Sitting on that dock as I poured my heart out to her, a part of me held out hope that Ally would forgive me. As I told her about my story, I began to see things more clearly. Every choice I’ve made, even those made for me as a kid, led me to this point in life. Each decision was a piece of the road to who I am today. Do I wish things were different? That I wouldn’t have flipped the middle finger at authority and rules and not been arrested? Absolutely. But, the reality is without those missteps and punishments I wouldn’t have reconnected with Ally, and for that I can’t be upset.

  Even though I know I need to accept her decision, I still look up when I see a car pull into the garage parking lot. When I see a woman with long brown hair walking down the aisle at the market I pause, hoping she’s come back. She hasn’t and won’t. At least until she’s ready. That’s something about Ally that hasn’t changed since we were kids. Stubborn and full of fire, she’s also more cautious with her words and how they affect other people than most. It’s because of that part of her personality that I hold out a sliver of hope we can salvage something, even if only a friendship.

  I’m keeping the same schedule I have since the day after we sat on the dock. I get up, go to work, come home, work out, watch a little television, and fall asleep. Solitude is my friend these days. Other than my dad or small talk with a customer, the only person I see regularly is my PO. Sixty days will have passed since I walked out of prison, and I’ve passed every test and been early to every meeting. He surprised me last week saying he’d be happy with weekly phone calls and the occasional in-person meeting instead of me driving to him once a week.

  The buzzer in the office signals a customer, so I turn down the music I’m listening to and wipe my hands before heading to greet them. I’m here alone today, my dad meeting up with Jackie for a weekend getaway. The person standing at the counter is a surprise. Welcome but still a surprise.

  “Hi.” I greet her with a timid smile.

  “You look like shit.”

  “Granny! Watch your language,” I tease with a chuckle. It’s one of the first times I’ve truly laughed since Ally left.

  Rolling her eyes, she opens her arms, motioning for me to give her a hug. Moving around the counter, I let her pull me into her very enthusiastic embrace. Her hands pat my back as I pull back. With a frown, she traces her finger under my eyes where the signs of weeks of restless nights sit.

  “Oh dear boy, you’ve made quite a mess of things, haven’t you?”

  “You could say that.”

  “My granddaughter misses you. And if it’s any consolation, she’s miserable. I don’t care how many laughing emojis she sends in a text; her heart is broken. We need to fix this.”

  “I don’t know what I can do. I lied to her for weeks. Betrayed her trust. I don’t blame her for hating me.”

  Tapping my arm she gives me a sly smile. Oh this can’t be good. When a woman like Betty Honeycutt has a smile like that, there’s a chance someone is going to get arrested.

  “I don’t like that look, Granny. You know I’m on probation. I can’t break any laws.”

  “Oh sweetie, she doesn’t hate you and give me some credit, no laws will be broken. I’m trying to bring our girl home not send you away. Trust me, you two belong together. That I know for certain. Now, let Granny work out a few things and I’ll be in touch. Go on,” she says, shooing me away, “go work on my car. I’ll just sit right here while you do what you do.”

  She settles into the lobby chair and pulls a book from her bag. I look at the cover and don’t bother to stifle the bark of a laugh that escapes. Looking up, she tilts her head and then looks at the book.

  “Don’t judge me. Reading keeps my mind young and these hot guys are a fantastic perk.”

  On that note, I make my way outside to move her car into the bay and look the car over. I know there’s no need for any real maintenance since it was just here weeks ago but what Granny wants, Granny gets.

  “Nope. I’m not doing it. I already told you, I’m not going to be part of any sort of lie. That’s what got me in this mess in the first place.”

  In the two weeks since she promised we’d get my girl home, Granny has been texting me random ideas on ways to trick Ally into returning to Pickerton Grove. I’m starting to regret ever entertaining her idea to get involved. This is only going to backfire, and I know somehow I’ll take the fall. Regardless, Granny is on a mission to get her granddaughter back home and thinks I’m just the excuse for that to happen.

  I’ve not kept my desire to have Ally home a secret, but I refuse to be part of any sort of con job to make it a reality. If she’s going to come back for us to be together, it has to be on her terms and at her own doing. We can’t force it on her. Something Granny refuses to accept.

  “Here, have some peach pie. It’ll make you feel better while I tell you about what I was thinking.”

  “I’ll take the pie, but there’s nothing you can say to change my mind. I love your granddaughter more than anything and would do anything to have her back here but there’s no way I’m going to trick her.” She opens her mouth to speak but I shake my head. Damn, Granny makes a mean pie. I can devour one of her slices in three bites and do just that.

  “Fine. I know you’re right. She’s just so stubborn. I have no idea where she gets it from. Must be her mother.”

  I choke on my last bite at that comment. With a raised brow I look at her to say “really?” but she just waves me off, a small smile on her lips. Setting the fork down, I wipe my mouth with a napkin and sit back in my chair.

  “I know you miss her, but we have to accept she’s not coming back. I screwed up and can only hope she will forgive me one day. Let’s leave it be. You video chat with her regularly, right?”

  “Yep. I have to check in on my great-grandcat. We sort of bonded when he was here. I think he misses me.”

  “I have no doubt, but I think when it comes to Ally you’re going to have to accept she isn’t coming back.”

  She rolls her eyes at me, unwilling to accept the facts staring her in the face. “It’s getting late so I’m going to shove off, but I’ll be by tomorrow after work to trim those bushes for you. Let this thing with Ally go, please. If I have to accept we’re never going to happen, you need to also.”

  Groaning, she stands with me. I walk to the sink, cleaning my dishes before turning to face the small woman before me. Sometimes I look at Granny and see Ally in forty years. The time I’ve spent in this kitchen since Ally left town hasn’t helped me think of the future we could have had. I lean down and place a kiss on her cheek before letting her walk me to the door.

  “Remember what I said. No schemes or lies. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Bye, Drew.”

  I wave as I walk to the truck and slide in behind the wheel. The drive to our house is quiet and as I pull up in front of the house, Jackie’s car is parked in the driveway; I contemplate reversing and going for a drive. I love how happy my dad is, but seeing them together reminds me of what isn’t going to be for me. And that only makes my mood sour. Instead, I suck it up and walk into the house. Saying a quick hello, I veer straight to my room like a moody teenager to sulk.

  Chapter 29

  Ally

  Donuts for dinner is a reasonable life choice when you’re nursing a broken heart. So is ice cream for breakfast. Fine. And occasionally for lunch. When I was in college, I managed to avoid the infamous “freshman fifteen.” Unfortunately for me, it found me over the last few weeks. Okay, fine, it isn
’t fifteen pounds but it’s still there. I already had enough going on in the booty department, and thanks to me feeding my feelings in empty calories, it’s a little more Kardashian-esque than I’m used to.

  Didi has been trying to drag me out for walks, but I told her unless we’re walking to the ice cream shop I’m good here on the couch. Her countermeasure to that response was stocking the refrigerator with nothing but produce. I don’t know what her problem is, I’m showering regularly and keeping up with my work. I think she needs a hobby that doesn’t include mothering me.

  My own mom does a fine enough job of driving me nuts. Since I’ve been home, she’s called multiple times a day to check on my “poor devastated heart.” Maybe my granny was right about my mama’s dramatics.

  What I need is for everyone to let me process at my own pace. I’m working on moving forward the best I can. I’ve watched a lot of depressing movies so I can cry freely without admitting it’s over a broken heart and not a dying character on my television. I’ve avoided watching Sweet Home Alabama and will admit I’m pretty pissed, knowing I probably never will watch it again. Which is quite sad because it is truly a masterpiece. Just another item to put in the “con” column of forgiving Drew.

  That‘s right. I have a list started about Drew. Pros on the left, cons on the right. Let’s just say the right column is quite lengthy. Although, it is filled mostly with a single word—liar. Tapping the notes section of my phone, I add ruining my favorite movie to the list and then glance at the pro list and frown. The list is long and not one item is repeated.

  “Adding to your list?” Didi asks as she enters the apartment, tossing her bag on the floor and throwing herself into the seat next to me. Running her finger across my plate, scooping up the fallen sugar from my donut, she moans in delight at her first taste.

  “I saved one for you. It’s in the kitchen.”

  “Ally, you have to stop eating your feelings. It’s not healthy.”

  “I’ll have you know I ate a salad for lunch.” I lift my chin in defiance of whatever she’ll counter with, but she only shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “And yes, I’m updating my list.”

  Ripping my phone from my hands, she begins scrolling, her smile growing as she reads, and I lean over to look at the list just as she begins typing on the left column. I try to snatch it out of her hands but she’s quick, and her arms are longer.

  “It’s my list. Don’t add to it.”

  “Hush. It isn’t written in stone. You can delete it if you don’t agree with my additions.”

  Pouting, I shove the last of my donut in my mouth and wipe the crumbs from my face before setting my now empty plate on the table while I impatiently wait for her to finish. When she is satisfied with her contribution to my pain and suffering, she drops the phone in my extended hand and giggles as I begin reading her list.

  I like not having sex regularly.

  I love the way I can get away with puffy eyes from all the tears.

  Everyone loves how grumpy I am and will be devastated if I’m back to being fun and happy.

  I like not being in love.

  “Didi, these are awful.”

  “If you go back to him you’ll be in love, have lots of sweaty sex, stop crying, and laugh again. It would be awful. I think you should absolutely stay away from him and wallow in misery. I mean, it’s like your birthday every day.”

  Growling, I stand from the couch and scoop up my dirty plate and head for the kitchen. She remains sitting on the couch while I loudly clean up from my dinner. I don’t need to see her to know she has a smug look on her face. Oh she thinks she’s so smart. Fired up, I stomp back to the living room.

  Hands on my hips, I take a deep breath before I state my case. “First, your reverse psychology isn’t going to work on me. Second, you really suck at this best friend business in my time of crisis. Finally, there is no going back to him or Pickerton Grove. I live here. My life is here.”

  “Let’s be real. I’m the best kind of friend regardless of the situation so just shut up about that. You can live anywhere with your job, that’s the beauty of it. Face it Ally, your heart is in that little town with Fight Club.”

  “No, I live here. With you. It’s our home. You, me, and Myson.”

  Turning my attention to my feline, I find him sitting on his favorite shelf grooming himself in a way that I’d rather not see. How does his head bend that far down? Looking back at Didi, I see that she’s also watching him, horror written all over her face. She glances at me, and we both scrunch our faces and shiver.

  “Come sit, I want to tell you something and need you to not freak out.” She pats the seat I abandoned a few minutes ago and I settle in, suddenly nervous. “I planned to tell you this when you got back, but once I saw how hurt you were, I didn’t want to add to the situation.”

  “You’re freaking me out.”

  “It’s a good thing, at least I think it is. Joey and I set a date.”

  “Ohmygod Didi, that’s so exciting,” I screech as I throw my arms around her shoulders, pulling her into a hug. “When? Where?”

  I’m so excited for her. I know Joey’s and her mom have been pushing them to set a date, but I had no idea it was something she was considering. She’s going to be a beautiful bride, and I cannot wait for them to start their life together.

  “Not sure where yet, but next September. We have plenty of time to plan, but I wanted to ask if you’d be my maid of honor.”

  More screeching as I clap my hands and bounce in my seat, has her grinning from ear to ear. “Yes! Of course. Oh, Didi, I’m so stinkin’ happy for you.”

  “There’s more. So, uh since we’ll have a lot of expenses coming in the next year with the planning and everything, we thought it would be smart to combine our households. So, uh . . . I hate this. I’m going to move in with Joey. Not right away but as soon as we find someone to move in with you.”

  The joy I felt a minute ago deflates like a balloon, and I slouch into the cushions. She’s moving out. Her hand on mine pulls me from the thoughts swirling in my head, a quick rabbit hole of freak-out. Looking over at her, I see nothing but concern. For me. Not happiness for her good news but because of me. My wallowing hasn’t just affected me but everyone around me. Well, except my cat. He seems to be just fine.

  “I’m so happy for you. This is amazing and don’t you dare worry about me. I’ll be fine.” My voices cracks a little as I pat her hand. I plaster a smile on my face as she stands, but I refuse to allow the ridiculous and out-of-control emotions swirling in my mind to surface. My best friend is getting married. That’s something to be happy about.

  “You know,” she says from the kitchen, “this may be the sign you need to reconsider that list of yours.”

  “Are we back to this?” I ask as she makes her way back to the couch, a glass of juice in one hand and a sandwich on a plate in the other.

  “Look, Ally, I love you like a sister, but you’re miserable. I’m not saying it’ll be easy but honey, you love him and he loves you. Maybe it’s because I’m hopelessly in love myself, but I believe you can work through anything with the right person.”

  “Just like that? I should just forgive him for his lies? He hurt me, Didi. How do I move on from that?”

  Turning in her spot, she faces me head on, a determined look on her face. If I didn’t know her better, I may be a little intimidated. Eyes wide, I turn to sit the same way, preparing for what she has to say.

  “I hate to break this to you, friend, but there are going be times you hurt him too. Life isn’t perfect. Relationships aren’t perfect. It’s how you get through the bad moments together that matters.”

  Why does she have to make excellent points?

  “Answer me this. Do you love him?”

  I nod.

  “And we know he loves you, because he told you. He told you Ally. When he knew you were going to leave. When he knew there was a chance you were never coming back, he put it all out there for you. That
means something.”

  Her smile is laced with pity, knowing she’s hit every nail on the head, including the fact that I left. Standing, she picks up her plate and glass and makes her way down the hall to her room, leaving me to sit with her words lingering all around me. I know all of what she’s said is true even if I don’t want to admit it. My parents haven’t been married for decades because they gave up on each other when things were hard. They worked through the rough times together. Drew lied to me but the longer we’re apart, the more I see his side of things.

  I don’t believe for one second his dishonesty was with malicious intent. In my heart I know he would never set out to hurt me. There’s no way he’d touch me like he did. Kiss me the way he did and hurt me on purpose. I can’t deny what that means.

  Chapter 30

  Drew

  When the last days of my sentence were approaching, I would think about all the fishing I was going to do. All the evenings sitting alone, casting my line, waiting for something to bite. Half the fun of fishing for me is the anticipation of the catch. And the solitude. After sharing such a small space with another person, having no privacy whatsoever for three years, I looked forward to the quiet moments.

  Now? I hate them. I hate everything about the solitude. About the loneliness that comes with the moments by myself. Some days, when I’m sitting alone I wonder if I hadn’t spent time with Ally would I feel the same. Her presence filled a void not only in my day-to-day life but in my heart. I was a fractured boy when I went away, but the years since then broke a part of me I never believed would heal.

  Then Allyson Honeycutt blew back into my life, and like a salve, she healed me. The emptiness was filled with laughter and love. Light and happiness.

  Since she’s been gone, the heart that began to heal is once again hollow. I have nobody to blame but myself. As much as I want to feel sorry for myself, I am a victim of my own choices. Dad has encouraged me to get out and rejoin the town. He threatened to sign me up to volunteer at the upcoming Labor Day festivities but agreed to hold off if I promised to at least show up for some of the events.