by Sarah Daltry
“I’m sorry,” I tell him.
“Why, Lily? What did I do wrong? I know I’m not that other guy. What is it about him?”
“It’s complicated. He’s complicated.”
“So, what’s wrong with me? I’m not? I’m not enough for you because I’m not ‘complicated?’ Lily, I have loved you for years. There was nothing complicated about it, because loving you is easy.”
“Please don’t,” I say. “You’re everything I could have wanted.”
“You just don’t want it, though.”
Now it’s my turn to cry. I wish I could explain it. Derek is perfect. He’s just not perfect for me. He’s kind and considerate and good-natured and fun. However, I realize that I love Derek as a friend. He’s always been the idea of the perfect guy, but that doesn’t mean our relationship is the perfect relationship. I can’t be in love with an idea. The last year with him was great until recently and I have plenty of good memories. I just don’t feel like fighting for us, and that’s the biggest problem of all.
“I want to be your friend. So many of the best parts of my life include you, either as my friend or as my boyfriend. I don’t want that to change. But it’s not right, Derek. I fell for Jack, and even if that ends up being a disaster, it says something that there was a part of me that didn’t belong to you.”
“Sure. I get it. I don’t have dark secrets. My life has been easy, probably perfect. But that doesn’t mean I can’t love you, Lily. It doesn’t mean my heart can’t be broken, just because I haven’t had a ton of terrible things happen to me. I can still be emotionally invested. I still have feelings, even if they haven’t been built up because of tragedy. Why are you running away from me because I’m not ‘complicated’ enough?”
My crying is now uncontrollable. Derek doesn’t know what Jack has been through. He doesn’t know how accurate his assessment it, but he also doesn’t know that I care for Jack despite those things, not because of them. It’s not his broken parts that I fell for, but the parts that wanted to be whole.
“Oh, Derek,” I sob. I hate that I have made him feel bad about himself because he, like me, has had a simple life until now. I knew there would be no easy way to do this, but I didn’t think it would be this hard. I feel like I have taken a piece of my heart and thrown it under a train. It literally feels like something inside of me has broken. He clings to me and rocks me while I cry. Here I am breaking his heart and yet he’s the one trying to comfort me. When Kristen comes back a little while later, we are just sitting on my bed, his arms wrapped around me, and my tears finally starting to dry on his shirt.
“I guess I’ll head back now,” he says when he sees my roommate. “I really hope you change your mind.”
“I won’t,” I tell him, and the words feel as much like a dagger to me as I know they do to him. “I’m sorry, Derek.”
“I love you, Lily. That will never change.” He kisses my forehead and hands me the stuffed tiger that he’d been holding onto since I got back. I follow him into the hall and hold his hand, running my fingers along his palm. He looks like he’s about to cry again.
“You’ll always be an endless part of me. I’m sorry it’s just the wrong part.”
He doesn’t respond, just nods, and I watch him walk down the hall. I fight the fact that every part of me is yearning to call him back to me. This is what’s right, but it’s so hard to do it. I’m not just losing my boyfriend, but one of my best friends. I’m hanging on to the hope that we’ll someday pick up the pieces and stay friends, but right now, it feels like Derek has been ripped out of my life forever.
Chapter 13
After Derek leaves, Kristen sits with me. We don’t talk, but she hands me tissues on a regular basis and throws out the used ones when they pile up all over my bed. It’s amazing that I made this choice and yet it feels like agony. Shouldn’t it be easy or comfortable to do what’s right? I was only leading Derek on; I can’t pinpoint when we fell apart for sure, but I was never willing to fight to stop it from happening. That’s never a good indication.
Eventually, the crying stops although the ache is still there. Kristen takes my tissues and it’s good the tears have stopped, because there are only three left. She comes back to sit beside me and wraps her arm across my shoulders.
“What if I made the wrong choice?” I ask.
“Is there ever a right choice?” She smiles weakly.
“I don’t know. Why don’t I know?”
“No one knows why things are how they are. They just are.”
“But Derek… Oh, God.” I’m start crying again. Kristen says and returns with the tissues.
“Look, Lily, Derek adores you. No one is denying that and I know it sucks that you know he does. But you’re just delaying the inevitable and dragging out the hurt if you don’t still feel the same for him. He deserves more than that, don’t you think?”
“Of course. But it’s Derek. The only guy I ever thought I would want.”
“Well, sometimes, we tend to be more in love with an idea than with the person. Maybe you were just hanging on to that idea.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s exactly it. It’s just… Derek is such a nice person. He’s so sweet and funny. He’s amazing in bed. He always looks out for me. He’s just been an awesome boyfriend. Why isn’t that enough?”
“Because it isn’t.”
“That’s stupid.”
“Lily, I have to say this, so don’t hate me. You’re lying to yourself; Derek wasn’t an awesome boyfriend. You’ve spent how much time wondering why he didn’t call? How many times did you worry about him with another girl? How often did you ditch out on us because you were hoping to talk to him – and then he was busy? The last few months have been a battle. You know that. You’re just remembering it differently, because you care for him still. But you weren’t happy.”
“Maybe I’m just incapable of being happy.” The crying has stopped now; it’s been replaced with a lot of self-hate and self-pity, but at least I don’t need more tissues.
“Nope. I’ve seen you happy plenty of times. Especially over the last week.”
“I can’t see Jack anymore. I need to prove I don’t need a guy.”
“Well, that’s a relief. However, I don’t think you need to deny that you care for Jack. I just think you’re right and you should take an actual break. Not another ‘I have a boyfriend and also now another guy, but I’m on a break’ break. Jack will still be there when you figure it out.”
“What if he isn’t?”
“Then you save yourself a hell of a lot of this.” I look around the room and realize I never want to do this again. I know it’s probably inevitable, since I’m only nineteen, but I don’t feel any rush to be sitting in this exact position in two months.
“I was happy,” I confess.
“When? With Derek?”
“No. This last week. I was so happy. And it wasn’t just Jack. I felt like I belonged. Finally. For the first time since school started.”
“See? That’s a good thing.”
“I know. I guess. I wish Jack had never talked to me. This would be so much easier.”
“Why?”
“Because I fell for him hard. I don’t want to hop from one relationship to the next – and I don’t even know that it’s an option with Jack – but I also don’t want to ruin what I had with him. Even if it was only one stupid week.”
“If it’s meant to be, Lily…”
“Yeah, yeah.” I know the cliché and I know Kristen thinks it’s cliché, too, but she’s right. I have to make sure I know what I’m doing before I rush into something else. If I don’t, it’ll end the same way it did with Derek. I need to be sure, to be secure in my life and myself before I even attempt to meet Jack where he is. That would be the case with any guy, but it’s even more so with him; he’s been through too much for me to treat this lightly.
“It’s so strange. I shouldn’t even like him. Derek is everything I should want. Everything I did want.
When did I become this girl who wants to make things so difficult?”
Kristen smiles. “It’s not difficult. You’re just telling yourself it is. You’re thinking too much about what you should want and not enough about what you do.”
“But why? Jack and me? We’re nothing alike. How did I fall for him?”
“Hell, Lily, does anyone know why they fall for the person they do? I mean, look at me. Why do I like Lyle? Neither of us is capable of holding a conversation with the other. We’re both awkward as hell. When we’re alone together, we stare in opposite directions and he won’t touch me. Since it became obvious to apparently everyone else that we’re a thing, we haven’t said more than two sentences to each other. Yet I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep.”
“That’s sweet,” I say, feeling a little guilty that Kristen’s been in this situation and I’ve barely been there for her.
“It is, but it makes no sense. On the other hand, Don has asked me on a date every week since school started. We grew up in similar places, we have the same major, he’s incredibly easy to talk to, and we have so much fun together. Yet every time he asks me to do something just the two of us, I say no. Why do you think that is?”
“Wait - Don likes you, too?”
“Apparently so.”
“Damn. You’re hot, Kristen.”
She laughs. “Thanks, but not the point. The point is, Lily, you can’t control what your heart feels. I know Derek’s your first love, but that doesn’t mean he will be the only one.”
It hurts to hear it, but she’s right. It also doesn’t mean that I need to replace Derek with Jack or anyone else. I just need to move him to the side and keep him as a part of me, a part that has moved on but still shaped who I become.
“I can’t face Jack,” I tell her. “I mean, I’m not going to go running to him immediately, but I don’t think I can ever face him. Sure, it hasn’t been that long, I know, but we were making progress. This whole mess? I feel like I just proved him right. I’m everything he thought I was.”
“I doubt that.”
“I didn’t choose him,” I say. “No one ever chooses him. I abandoned him just like everyone else.”
“Just because you walked away tonight doesn’t mean you walked away. When the time comes, he’ll understand.” Kristen moves to her desk and starts rummaging through the drawers. I’m not sure what she’s looking for, but I realize I feel so much better than I did when Derek was here.
“Do you really think he’ll be okay?”
“Derek or Jack?”
“Both.”
“Yes. Derek will move on and he’ll realize that you’re right. And Jack isn’t going anywhere. He’ll be there when you’re ready. But I think tonight’s not the night. Get some rest.” She turns around, having found what she was looking for in her desk. “Did you eat?”
I shake my head. We talked through dinner.
“Me neither. So, first? Pizza. Then sleep.”
Chapter 14
I somehow manage to survive the month of November and even go home for Thanksgiving without incident. Derek has his parents come get him, rather than ride with me and Jon, but that’s the only time our break up even comes up. My parents are thrilled to see me for a few days and Jon doesn’t act any differently, which is a relief. School becomes not only my focus, but a bit of a haven as well. I love my classes and I love my group of friends. I haven’t talked to Jack; I haven’t even seen him. It’s a lame excuse, since I could just go to his room, but I want to find the right time. My feelings for him haven’t changed and I’m not still trying to figure myself out. I know I want to take a chance on him; I just need to decide how to make my move.
My chance comes the weekend after Thanksgiving. I’m sitting in the newspaper office, typing up a feature story on students’ winter plans, when my editor stops in to get the mail. She looks relieved to see me, which is probably a bad thing.
“I am so glad you are here.”
“Thank you?”
“You know that band you covered a while ago? The campus band?”
“Yeah,” I say, wondering where this going and hoping that it’s going where I think it is.
“They’re doing a show tonight at the same club. Headlining this time, which I guess is awesome and all that. But I really don’t want to go and no one else was available. I was screwed into going, but you really liked them last time. I just know you want to take the story, right?”
I could be insulted that she’s excited to drop this on me, but it means seeing Jack and it means the universe or whatever is working to make sure that I see Jack.
“Sure. I can cover it.”
“Great. You’re the best.” She leaves, now that I’ve done what she wanted, and I get back to my story. I think about Jack. His hair, his eyes, his body. I’m giddy; if I needed a sign, obviously this is it. It’s all going to be okay.
I can’t finish my story with Jack on my mind, so I head to my room to change. Everything looks stupid and I’m frustrated, because I want tonight to be perfect. I can’t decide between a dress and jeans and sit in a pile of discarded clothing, doubting everything. Kristen’s finally on an actual date with Lyle and Caitlin’s out of town for the weekend. I need a girl, though, and I need help, so I suck it up and call Mary.
“Yeah?” She answers.
“It’s Lily. I need you to help dress me.”
“What?” It makes her laugh, though, so that’s good.
“I have to go to Jack’s show tonight and I want to be irresistible and everything I own sucks and I don’t know what to do and please help me.”
“Be there in five.” She hangs up and she’s in my room in even less than five minutes, which is impressive since we don’t live in the same dorm. She rummages through my pile, tossing everything aside with clear distaste.
“Do you own anything sexy?”
“I think I have a tank top.”
“Hopeless.”
Mary finds an olive green dress in the back of my closet, a hideous thing I’ve never worn but bought because it was on sale and I thought it looked good on the mannequin only to realize I don’t look like the mannequin. She grabs a pair of scissors and a black sweater and orders me to strip. I stand in the middle of my room in my underwear while she cuts and swears about something. Finally, though, she stands up and comes over to me with the dress. I don’t know what she did, but it looks fantastic. She somehow merged the dress and the sweater to be one dress; it looks both feminine and punk rock and it’s absolutely perfect for tonight.
“Wow. Maybe you should major in fashion,” I tell her.
“I’ve written 18 papers so far this semester. You have no idea how attractive that sounds right now.”
“No kidding.” I dig through my closet and find a pair of black combat boots I’ve had since high school, but never wore. Abby thought they looked badass and we each bought a pair, only to realize we lived in a town where people only wore combat boots if they were in the military. I don’t even know why I brought them with me to school, other than that maybe a part of me subconsciously envisioned college as a chance to reinvent myself. Regardless, I’m glad I did.
“Is this a new look?” Mary asks.
“No. Just for tonight. For Jack.”
“Are you nervous? About finally talking to him again?”
“Terrified,” I admit. “What if he hates me?”
“Then you know and you find someone who doesn’t. Because life’s too short for that.”
****
The club is crowded again when I get there. Jack’s band is popular on campus and now it looks like that popularity has reached off campus; given everything he’s been through, it feels satisfying. He deserves success, even if it is on a small, local scale. I don’t recognize anyone when I get there, and I meander through the crowd, trying to get as close to the stage as possible. I want him to see me, to know I�
�m here to support him. I make it right up to the stage and I’m watching the first band to set up when a hand brushes against my shoulder. I almost don’t turn around, thinking it was an accident, until I hear a voice call my name.
I turn. Alana looks stunning. Her tight jeans are low cut and the short black shirt she’s wearing leaves very little to the imagination. She’s holding a cigarette, but the club is nonsmoking, so it’s unlit. Her hair is tied up behind her head with a bright pink bandana. It’s a funny color choice and I think of Kristen. Some days, my life makes no sense.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey. Does Jack know you’re here?”
I shake my head. “No. Is he going to be mad?”
“Mad? I doubt it. But…”
“Did he tell you what happened?”
She doesn’t get a chance to respond before the opening band starts warming up. She takes my hand and pulls me outside. It’ll be a while before Jack’s band goes on. Lighting her cigarette, she looks lost. Alana is so beautiful that it hurts a little to think that she and Jack used to have a relationship – and possibly still do. I remind myself, though, that he said they couldn’t work and yet he seemed willing to try with me. That matters. I know it does.
“He told me a little. Something about a boyfriend.”
“It’s over now. I ended it that night.”
“But you disappeared.”
“It wasn’t fair. If I went running to Jack immediately after, it wasn’t real, you know? I was just hiding with him. He needs someone who doesn’t need to hide.”
“And you’re found now?” She’s not mean, but she’s doubtful.
“Ish?”
“It was tough. He’s been a wreck.” She takes a drag of her cigarette and shakes her head. “Are you sure you’re ready? He’s finally putting himself back together and I’d hate to see you break him in the same places he’s already been broken.”