I look at Zoi’s face. “What are you saying?”
“That he is still here. They want him to get back with his wife, but he is still physically here. Nothing has really changed except he’ll be seeing his kids more often.”
“You make sense, but that will be me making the decision for him. I want all of him, Zo. I want him to see his kids, but I want him committed to me and not pretending or having me on the side.”
“Are you prepared to marry him then?”
I’m silent.
“Why do I have to marry him? People who’re in love don’t always get married and some have successful lasting relationships.”
“They do, but Mark is the marrying kind, and not to scare you, but he may want more children.”
I sit up in the bed.
More children?
No. I’m not going back there again.
“Zoi, it’s done and I need to leave it there.”
“Because you’re scared of the future doesn’t mean it won’t happen,” she says kneeling in the bed behind me. “Nella, for once let things happen in your life and stop managing everything,” she says, holding me around my waist with her chin on my shoulder.
“I don’t want any more kids, Zo. I’ll be forty next year and … I don’t want any more children.”
“Ok. But if you change your mind, don’t be stubborn just so you can be right.”
“Zo, Tempest is crying.”
“I know. I’m soaked. Call him before he goes back and see what happens.”
I walk her out and watch her climb the stairs and go into the building. I turn around, walk back in the apartment and then to Zander’s room to check on him. I fix the covers over him and run my hand over his hair that needs cutting. His skin is light like Keith’s and he has his father’s face too except for his nose, which is all mine. He may end up taller than Keith. Zander was always a sensible child, and although his brother was smarter, Zander always knew how to work it to get what he wanted. He was five when we left, but he never forgot his father. He hadn’t seen him for three years, but he still remembered. They never complained about being separated from him except when they fought among themselves and in frustration wished he was around to settle things for them.
I walk back to my bed. I can’t steal Mark from Chloe or his children. I understand his decision and respect it. I told him he could have the time, but unless he can tell me to my face that we’re together, and his parents and Chloe knows this, I’m done. I was happy to keep it as intimate sex; now I want a serious commitment. I need to know that when he goes back home he can hold his own and be there for me. I want a man who wants me in spite of his children and his parents.
On New Year’s Eve, I force myself to go to Joline’s apartment to hang out with my friends. I tell them Mark went to Canada and they’re satisfied with my answer. We talk about work, rib each other and drink. At midnight, my phone rings; it’s Mark. I’ve been ignoring his calls, but I still need to hear his voice. I excuse myself and walk to the bathroom.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” he says. I can hear him breathing deeply, almost relieved. “I miss you.”
Tears come to my eyes. “I miss you too. How’s Canada?” I ask as I open the cracked window wider and look down into the barren schoolyard at the back of the building. I see the glow and hear firecrackers in the distance celebrating the New Year.
“I’m still here, in New York,” he responds.
“Why?”
“Nella, I can’t do this. I need you in my life; please, can I come over, so we can talk?”
“I’m not at home. I’m at Joline’s apartment in the Bronx, with some friends.”
“I’ll come pick you up,” he says firmly.
“Ok, but I told them you were in Canada, so it would be better if I take a cab and come to you.”
“No. Give me the address and you’ll think of something to tell them before I arrive.”
I laugh. “Mark, I wasn’t going to change my mind on my way there.”
He laughs too. “I’m afraid you will.”
“See you soon.”
“Nella, Happy New Year.”
“Happy New Year, Mark.”
When I walk out of the bathroom, Joline’s is standing at her bedroom door directly across from me. She puts her arm around my shoulders and guides me into the room.
“You are whipped,” she says before putting the beer bottle to her lips.
“I know. It’s sad,” I say as I lean against the dresser.
“So why didn’t you go with him to Canada?”
“It was the original plan,” I say lying, “but it turned out that he didn’t go after all. I hope you don’t mind, he’s coming to pick me up.”
“Nella, you really love him, don’t you?”
I look at her and tears come to my eyes. I blink them back as I nod my head.
“You’re scared,” she says observing my behavior.
I nod again.
“Why?”
“He has small children and an ex-wife who wants him back.”
“Isn’t that a bitch,” she says. “There’s a reason she’s an ex wife. No one ever leaves because it was good. We leave because it just isn’t working. You have to decide if he’s worth it, and if he is, confront her. Sometimes we all need a little face to face, so we know the other person is real and what we’re being told is how it really is.”
I glare at Joline. “You want me to confront her? Get in her face? Isn’t that a little ghetto?”
“Of course it is, but you’re black and I bet anything she’s white. When she sees you she won’t know what to expect and going ghetto on her ass real quick will confirm all of her stereotypes about black women.”
I laugh. I can always count on Joline to break it down for me. She’s a pharmaceutical sales rep, but you can’t tell by looking at her. She supports a whole village back home in Saint James. We talk some more about my situation and I tell her the truth. She tells me that years ago she used to see a married man. It’s the most embarrassing time of her life. He lied to her and finally she showed up at his house and talked to his wife. That was the only way she could have walked away because he kept stringing her along. Her advice for me is to talk to Chloe with Mark present.
After a while, we rejoined the party, which was slowly starting to come into the bedroom. I expect Mark to call me when he’s downstairs of the building.
“Hey, Nella, look who I found,” Joline yells from the hall off the living room.
I look up and there he is. He walked up four flights to the apartment. How he knew which apartment I can only guess. I blink repeatedly to hold back the tears. My heart needs to see him. Joline introduces Mark to the rest of our friends. He tells them he changed his mind about going to Canada. He sits next to me and we kiss each other then hug. He keeps his hand around my shoulder and I run my hand back and forth over his leg.
After not talking to him for almost a week, I just want to stare at his face for a little while. Joline’s sister offers Mark a beer, but Joline reminds me that I said I had to be somewhere. I smile at her with gratitude.
Mark and I drive in silence back to his apartment. We hold hands with our fingers interlocked. When I try to pull my hand away so he could use both hands on the steering wheel, he holds on tighter.
At his door, I hesitate.
“It’s too late,” he says from behind me.
I step over the threshold and keep my back to him as he closes the door. Out the window, I can see the Brooklyn skyline and the bridge all lit up. He helps me out of my coat then stands in front of me. My heart beats wildly in my ears.
Our eyes meet, then our lips and all my New Year’s resolutions are forgotten. Our clothes trail from the foyer, down the hall, up the stairs, down the hall, thru the study and into his bedroom. We make love quickly and when we’re done I want more. I lie in silence listening. I turn to Mark, who is lying on his back, and I start playing with his nipples. I run my hand over his
chest, through the hair and then work my way down his stomach. I play with the hair on his belly and move back and forth to his chest area. Finally I venture lower and he’s hard and waiting. I inspect his face while I caress him. I see raw desire in his eyes and the heat inside me turns up a notch. I lower my lips to meet his. I move on top of him with my legs drawn up alongside his body. We take it slower this time. When we become one, he’s mine and I give in with my eyes wide open without thought or reservation. When he says, “Nella, I love you,” my entire being convulses in answer to his declaration.
I come awake slowly. I’m on my back and he’s curled up at my side with one arm across my breasts. My eyes blink open and the chandelier, with all those shiny crystals, above comes into focus. I should get one. I have a fan with big tropical banana-leaf-like blades and a domed light above my bed. This would be nicer but less practical.
I remember last night.
What did he say? I can’t remember. He had to have said something, right? I wouldn’t have just jumped into bed with him without a word. I did it before, that first time and it was … it was so much more than I ever had. It was heavenly. Last night was heavenly too, but maybe my memory is faulty, I mean we must have spoken, right?
He’s awake.
I lie still and wait.
He waits.
This is stupid.
I move my hand lightly over the arm keeping my breasts hostage. He snuggles closer, nuzzles and then kisses my neck. I reach for his head and run my hand through his hair while keeping his head close. He throws his leg over mine and moves his arm from my breast to the other side of my head running his fingers through my hair. I close my eyes. I don’t remember anyone doing that before, not even him. I wear my hair short, cropped close to my scalp and razor straight at the back, less so on the sides and a little fuller on top. His hands are somewhere near the middle of the back of my head and … his lips … his lips … are nibbling my earlobes.
I need to brush my teeth.
“Mark?”
“Mmm,” he groans.
I close my eyes feeling his kisses on my neck and before I can get it out his mouth is on mine. I should be repulsed and I am … but I kiss him back and we keep kissing each other and all I want is to feel him inside me going back and forth, feel the fullness of him, moaning with pleasure through his kisses, holding him tight and moving with him as he goes faster and faster, and listening to him sing out, and my voice joining his as he pushes and I fall over the edge and into that sweet place where only Mark can take me.
After we shower and are having breakfast, I feel obligated to mention the thing from this morning. I stare at him until he feels my glare. His eyes meet mine and I don’t quite know how to say it.
“Should I be afraid? You never had trouble with words before,” Mark says with a sly grin.
“What you made me do this morning was nasty.”
He gets a serious look on his face. I can see his mind going back and he shakes his head and laughs.
“All I remember is pure ecstasy and you didn’t object once. Plus it was just the missionary position, nothing weird or exotic.”
“You kissed me before I had a chance to brush my teeth; that was gross.”
“For about two seconds, but you have to admit,” he says, dipping and licking the milk off his spoon, “it became a turn on fast.”
I laugh. “You did that on purpose?”
“Of course. Did you hate it, not including the first two seconds?”
I laugh again liking that he planned it. My cell phone rings. I stand still laughing and find my purse. It’s my father.
“Hi, Dad.”
“Eunella, where are you?” he asks, sounding worried.
“I’m fine, Dad.”
“Where are you?”He demands this time.
“I’m thirty-nine years old, Daddy, I can take care of myself.”
He takes a deep breath and I can tell it took a lot for him to make this call.
“Are you with Mark?”
I glance back at Mark and he’s grinning at the idea of me having to explain myself to my long lost father.
“I’m with a man and no, it’s not Mark,” I say, turning my back on him.
“Eunella, you’re in a vulnerable position right now and if you’re with Mark it’s okay, but if not …”
“Dad, I am not with Mark and I’m perfectly fine; tell Zoi I’m fine and I will talk to both of you later.”
I hang up and turn to Mark; he’s laughing.
“He knows you’re with me. You kept calling my name and you wouldn’t do that if you were with another man.”
I open the phone again and call him back.
“Happy New Year, Eunella,” he says all full of himself.
“Thanks a lot, Dad. He kicked me out of his house for calling another man’s name.” I say sounding genuinely upset.
“Good,” he says and hangs up.
“Damn.”
I stare at the phone and then turn it off. I sit at the table and stare at my cereal bowl.
“Did you tell them what happened?”
“I finally broke down and told Zoi; I’m sure she shared with Dad and Darnell.”
“What did Zoi say about me?”
I look up at him. “Nothing bad.”
“Tell me anyway,” he says, appearing as if it’s important for him to know.
“Mark, I was actually coming to see you at the office tomorrow,” I say, changing the subject.
“At the office, why?” he asks, puzzled.
I get up and grab my purse. I open a zipper on the inside and pull out a white envelope with his name on it. I stare at it and hand it to him. He takes and slowly opens it. It’s the tickets he gave me at Christmas. He glares up at me looking disappointed.
“Since we were no longer together I thought I should return them.”
“You said you would give me time to figure it out.”
I nod and move away from the table. How do I say this so he will understand? I return to the table.
“I believe in you and I believe you’re doing the right thing putting your children first. I love you and I wanted to give you what you needed to figure it out, but I changed my mind about waiting. I’ve been waiting on something or someone for one reason or another since I was four and I’m done waiting.”
“And now … after last night?” he asks, sounding uneasy.
“You will have to tell me,” I say, swallowing and forcing myself to breathe as I try to read his face.
“I love you,” he says as if that should tell me all I need to know.
“Tell me something I don’t know. Tell me how to wait for a man who puts his ex-wife before me. Tell me what you would do if you were me.”
“Nella, I realized quickly that I cannot voluntarily live without you. For the past week I stayed in the office until eight or nine at night, dreading being here without you. I called you every day and not being able to talk to you and see you drove me a little crazy.”
He kneels beside my chair. I’m dressed in his white T-shirt. I close my knees as he takes my hand and kisses it. “Nella, I love you. Please, take me back.”
“What about … what about you and Chloe?” I ask, all choked up. “I’m not sure I understand.”
“I’m not going back to Chloe. I will visit my children as often as I can. I’m hoping you will work with me on that.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, not yet willing to believe we’re back together.
He stands and pulls me with him.
“I have never been more sure.”
I smile big and kiss him. The rest can wait. He understands my answer and we spend the rest of the day in bed talking as if we were never apart. I avoid anything about marriage and children.
“Mark, do I still get to meet your Granny?”
He laughs deeply. “When do you start school?”
“Classes start in three weeks, but I start in two.”
“Why don’t we go next weekend? I�
��ll go see the kids this weekend.”
“I hate to ask, but tell me about your parents.”
“I spoke to my father and he was reasonable, but he isn’t the problem. I need to sit down and find a facial expression, so when I tune my mother out she will have no idea.”
“Besides missing me, what changed your mind? I mean I understood the choice you made and I didn’t blame you.”
“I remembered what my grandmother always told me, ‘Follow your heart and everything else will fall into place.’ Nella, you have my heart and I can’t let you go. You’re my second chance and I’m taking it. Whatever happens from this point forward promise that you and I will always be able to talk.”
I nod in agreement.
Two weekends later, we’re on our way to Jamaica and I’m sitting beside Mark wondering if his grandmother can help me. I have never met the woman, have never even seen a picture of her, yet I know … I feel like … I need her. Why? Mark said she knows everything. No one person knows everything. Zoi thinks I know everything, but she’s generalizing and so is Mark, yet I feel a pull. I look around the aircraft staring at what’s in my line of vision because Mark’s head is on my shoulder stopping me from turning. He’s asleep.
I doze at some point.
I awake to see the mountains and hills as we approach Montego Bay. The land mass is huge, but compared to St. Matthews every place is huge. I touch Mark’s face to wake him up and to enable me to get a better view out of the window. I feel his hand running up and down on my back, but I can’t take my eyes away.
After the plane reaches the gate, Mark sits patiently waiting. We’re the last to leave the plane. We get through customs and then collect my suitcase. As we walk outside I immediately spot Mark’s grandmother.
I stop and stare at her. She could be my grandmother. I watch her hug and kiss Mark with her eyes locked into mine. I know her, although I have yet to meet her. I imagined her as a big, light skinned woman, but instead she is dark skinned like me and of average height. She’s a lot heavier than me. Her face is round and full.
Mark waves me over. I find my feet and walk toward them.
“Granny, this is Nella; Nella this is Ellen Watts, my grandmother.”
TAKE ME as I am Page 15