“It’s not fine and I would have taken a swing at that motherfucker if you hadn’t put him in his place and Carter hadn’t come along to kick his ass.”
“Yeah, and I would have helped her,” Claire adds as she walks up to the bar. She’s Jax’s girl, super sweet, but also super badass. She escaped a cult – twice. “But Carter got him good.”
I didn’t realize Carter did anything to that guy. Some part of me relishes in the fact that he beat the bastard up, but I shove it down real quick.
I turn to Stacy and place my hands on her shoulders. Everyone knows I’m not a touchy-feely person, but I’m trying for Stacy.
“Stace, I’m ok. I promise. I need this job and I want to be here, ok?”
“Honey, you won’t lose this job if you take a few days off, is that what you thought?”
Honestly, I didn’t know what to think when she offered me time off. I already felt like shit that I just left with Carter and didn’t help her close, but she said she totally understood and wouldn’t have had it any other way.
“It doesn’t matter, Stacy, I’m not going anywhere, ok?”
“Stubborn ass child,” she mutters under her breath.
“Hey, I heard that!”
“Good!” She laughs.
“So,” I say, changing the subject. “The bar has been kind of empty lately. Are some of the guys out of town?”
I’m really asking about Carter, but maybe she won’t notice?
“Carter has been out on a run with Slash and Jax,” Claire chimes in with a knowing smile on her face.
Well, shit. So much for being subtle.
“I didn’t mean Carter, necessarily. Just… ya know, people.”
Stacy and Claire exchange a look.
“Well, people are out on the road. They should be back tomorrow or the next day.”
I feel a strange pull in my gut. Is a run dangerous? Could Carter get hurt? I mean, this is a motorcycle club, and from what I’ve gathered, they aren’t exactly “by the book.”
Claire seems to sense my worry.
“They are big boys, Liv. They do this shit all the time, no need to worry about them. I’m sure they are fine.”
I want to protest, let both of them know I’m not worried about Carter, but there’s really no point. I just nod.
Stacy busies herself with cleaning off some tables and Claire puts her elbows on the table and leans in.
“I know trusting people is scary. And needing people is even more terrifying. But these are good people, Liv. They are fiercely loyal, they treat their women well, even the club girls. They get paid to clean and cook and if they want to class college classes or shit, Chaos pays for that too. They are into their fair share of shady stuff, but they still live by a strict moral code.”
I nod, trying to formulate a response. I know Claire means well, and honestly, if anyone could understand my aversion to people, it’d be her. But it’s easy to give advice to someone when your life worked out. She got her happily ever after with Jax. Their story is so adorable – she came running in and literally collapsed in his arms. Of course, he is the club medic of sorts, so he tended to her wounds – both physically and emotionally. Cheesy, I know, but I’m secretly jealous. Could I ever trust anyone enough to let them in?
“It’s not that I think anyone here is a bad person,” I start. “I guess I just… I don’t know. Things just don’t work out for me, ya know? I don’t get the happy ending. And I just need this fresh start, I need things to be uncomplicated, and needing people makes things all sorts of complicated.”
“Complicated, maybe, but it also makes life full. And once you let people in, you don’t have to deal with the complications alone. And really, I guess the most important thing for you to take away from this pep talk that Stacy encouraged me to give you,” she sneaks a sideways glance at Stacy who is not very subtly eavesdropping, “The most important thing is that you already have a family here, whether you want one or not. So, sorry. You’re kind of stuck with us, Liv.”
I blink back tears while Stacy and Claire share another look
A few customers walk in and take away the intensity of the moment, thank god. Stacy and I fall into a routine and the hours slip by. Every so often I think about Carter. I think… Fuck. I think I miss him.
Chapter 7
Liv
The guys got back a few days later and Carter kept his distance in the week they’ve been back. He’s still friendly, and a little flirty at times, but definitely giving me my space.
It shouldn’t hurt. This is what I wanted. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone.
It’s pay day and I’m headed to the bar to pick up my money. Time to finally get some furniture for my little place.
“Liv! Good to see you, honey,” Stacy calls out as soon as I walk into the bar.
“Hey, Stace, how are you?”
“You know me, just keeping these guys in line,” she winks at me and reaches in her purse to grab an envelope of cash. “Any exciting plans for your night off?”
“I’m actually going to go looking for some furniture. My place is a little… sparse. This paycheck will be put to good use.”
“Oh great! I’ll have Carter go with you, you can use his truck!”
“No, really, Stacy – “
“Carter!” Stacy yells across the bar.
Shit.
“Seriously, I can just have stuff deliver – “
“Nonsense! We’re family, and we have a truck.”
Fuck. How do I tell her I can’t be in a car or a cab of a truck without looking like a total freak? Not to mention I don’t know what to say to Carter. I can’t have him see me crumbling apart again, and that’s exactly what’s going to happen if I get in that truck.
Goddamnit, suck it up Liv.
“What’s up, momma bear?” Carter says as he saunters over to the bar.
His jeans are slung low on his hips and his shirt is stretched deliciously tight across his chiseled chest. When I finally look at him in the eyes, I know I’ve been caught checking him out. He winks at me and then returns the favor.
“Liv here is going to get some furniture today and you’re going to help her with your truck.”
She didn’t even ask him, she just straight up told him. Gotta love this woman. Or hate her. Right now I have both feelings towards her.
“I’m actually just going to have stuff delivered, so that’s ok, Carter.”
“Why have it delivered when I have a truck? Plus, I think you know Stacy well enough by now to know that what she says goes.”
“Damn straight, boy!” Stacy chimes in.
I roll my eyes and reluctantly nod. “Okay, fine. I’m just going to Goodwill. I can meet you there.” I start walking out the door but Carter is on me in a flash.
He puts his hand on the small of my back, a gesture that should have me recoiling, but from him it feels right. Intimate. Protective.
“Come on, my truck is this way.”
We make it to his truck and he opens the door for me.
Come on, Liv. You can do this. Be normal. Be fucking normal.
I climb in the truck and buckle my seatbelt. He closes my door and gets around on the other side.
I close my eyes, willing the memories to go away. A glimpse of sleeping in the back seat of the old Toyota Corolla, using newspapers as a blanket. Crouching on the floorboards when the cops would come by. Broken windows. Never feeling safe. Finding the body…
“Liv? Are you ok?”
I open my eyes and realize I’m shaking, my fingers squeezed uncomfortably tight in my lap.
I can’t move, can’t speak. I’m a fucking nutcase.
“Shit, you said no cars.” Carter jumps out of his truck and runs over to me, opening the door.
I still can’t move.
He unbuckles my seatbelt and gently takes one of my hands in his.
“I’m so sorry Liv, I wasn’t thinking. Come here, let’s get you out of the truck.”
; I hear his words, his calming tone, but I can’t seem to process them.
“Look at me, Liv. You’re safe. I’m going to get you out of the truck, ok? I’m going to touch you, ok, Liv?”
I turn my head and lock in on his eyes. Green pools of concern and… understanding? I nod, never taking my eyes off of him. How does he always seem to know what to say to calm me down?
He places my arms around his neck and slides one arm under my legs while the other one supports my back. Carter gently sets me down on the ground and leans me against the truck before stepping back. It’s like he knows I just need space right now.
“Take some deep breaths for me, Liv. You’re ok, you’re safe here.”
I nod, pulling air into my lungs.
“What’s five things you can see?”
I give him a questioning look.
“It helps, trust me. Name five things you see.”
“Uh… You, that bike, the bar, the gravel, the open sign.”
“Good. Now, four things you can touch.”
My hand goes to the side of the truck, my hair, the hem of my shirt. I reach out and touch Carter’s beard without thinking. He steps closer and smiles a sweet, reassuring smile.
“Perfect. List three things you can hear.”
I close my eyes and listen. “Cars on the gravel road, leaves rustling in the wind, a motorcycle engine.”
“What’s two things you can smell?”
Eyes still closed, I take a deep breath in. “You smell like pine trees and whiskey.”
He chuckles. I feel him lean in closer to me, resting his forehead on mine.
“What’s one thing you can taste, love?”
I tilt my head up and brush my lips against his, barely a kiss. I feel his lips pull into a smile under mine. He pulls back and looks at me.
“Feeling better?”
I nod. “Yeah. What was that? How did you know what to do?”
“Have you ever had a panic attack before, Liv?”
I nod.
“Me too. I used to get them a lot when I first got back home. One of the physical therapists at the VA told me about that grounding technique – five things you see, four things you touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. It helps bring you back into the present by using your senses. It helped, yeah?”
“Yeah. It actually did.” I look up at him. “Thank you, Carter. I’ll have to remember that for next time.”
I clear my throat and side-step Carter.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
He’s seen me freak out twice now and each time he calmed me down. And then I fucking kissed him. Shit. I can’t do this. I can’t be here. He can’t possibly want me after seeing me break down again. And as much as I need him to reject me and stay away, I know it’s going to hurt like a motherfucker.
“Well, thanks, again. For everything. I think I’ll just head home. I can get furniture later.”
“What? No way. Hang on a sec.”
He pulls out his phone and calls someone.
“Dominic, can you go to my place and drive my bike to the club? I have my truck here too. Liv needs some furniture, can you follow us in my truck when you get here? We’ll take the bike.”
I stare at him and he just winks at me.
“Great, man. Thanks. See you soon.”
He hangs up and puts his phone back in his pocket.
“Why… why would you do that?”
He gives me an odd look. “What do you mean? You need furniture, right?”
“Yeah, but I mean, I can just get shit delivered. I don’t need your help. You don’t have to do this.”
“Ah, there it is.”
“There what is?” I snap. I feel bad being a bitch to him, but it’s for the best. He needs to back off and stop being so nice to me. I can’t. I can’t handle it.
“I was wondering when your walls were going to come back up. You let them down for me earlier.”
“Yeah, well, I’ll have to work on that.” I grumble out. I turn my back to him, deciding on whether I should wait for Dominick to show up or just walk to the bus stop.
Carter steps closer to me, snaking an arm around my waist and gently pulling my back to his front. He bends his head down so his lips are on the shell of my ear.
“Keep putting up those walls, I’ll tear ‘em all down, Olivia. You’ve got people in your life who care about you. Let us in.”
He nuzzles my neck, dragging his nose back and forth on my shoulder. I can’t help but lean my head back to rest on his shoulder, giving him more access to my skin. Carter doesn’t waste a second. I feel the sting of his teeth as he nibbles my exposed flesh, followed by the silky heat of his tongue, and a quick kiss on top of the sensitized skin.
I press my ass further into Carter’s hard body and I feel his solid cock brush against me. He growls into the skin on my neck.
“Fuck, Liv. I want you so goddamn bad. It’s been torture trying to keep my distance this last week, but I didn’t want to scare you off.”
His words wash over me. He didn’t avoid me this last week because he didn’t want me anymore… he just wanted me to feel comfortable.
Why does he have to be so goddamn perfect?
He steps back, putting space between us. I immediately miss his warmth.
I turn around and see him adjusting himself. I grin, knowing I did that to him.
“Damnit, woman. Now I’m going to be that perv walking around the thrift store with a hard-on.”
I just smile, and he grins back at me, stroking his beard.
Dom pulls into the parking lot and parks in front of us, tossing Carter the keys.
“What’s the plan, boss?” Dom says.
“We’re heading to Goodwill, you can follow us in the truck.”
“Sure, but why don’t you guys just take the truck? Why use the bike?”
I feel super uncomfortable and look away. Carter, however, doesn’t miss a beat.
“Liv doesn’t like cars. So we’re riding the bike.”
“A girl after my own heart!” Dom winks at me. “I never understood why you got that dang thing in the first place. A bike is all you need. But, I guess then you couldn’t offer your truck to help pretty girls move, right, Carter?”
I swear I hear Carter growl.
Dom puts both his hands up in mock surrender.
“I’m just messing with you, man. Let’s do this.”
Dom climbs in the truck and Carter helps me on the back of his bike. I wrap my arms around his hard body and press myself against him.
“Hang on tight, love,” Carter says over his shoulder.
“It’s LIV,” I yell. He laughs and we take off.
Chapter 8
Carter
Goddamn it feels good having this woman on the back of my bike. I’ve been thinking about her constantly since I woke up alone the morning after her flashback. I rolled over and wanted to pull her close to me, kiss her, fuck her, tell her I wasn’t going to let her go, but the bed was cold and empty.
I should have expected as much. Of course, having me see her in such a vulnerable state spooked her. I get it. She has no idea how much I get it.
Something snapped in me that night. I already knew I wanted to be inside of her again, to get to know her more, or, as much as she would let me. But seeing the sheer terror in her eyes when I found her in the back room, and then watching her slowly come back to me, knowing I was the one to pull her out of her fear? That shit made me never want to let her go. Wrapping her up in my arms and holding her all night long felt right. It felt like home. Like I didn’t know what was missing till she came along.
But I know she’s skittish. I know I can’t scare her off. I know I can’t fuck up her job. Whatever her story is, it’s clear she’s trying to get a fresh start and I don’t want to ruin that for her.
But I will have her. All of her.
When Stacy told me to help her with her furniture, I about gave that woman a hug. I ha
ve a feeling she knows exactly the kind of wing-woman she’s being.
But then I fucked up and forgot what Liv told me about not being in cars. I think I sensed her panic attack before she did. I saw the blood drain from her face and watched her muscles tense and shake. She was hardly breathing by the time I hopped out and got to the other side of the truck.
I wanted to cradle her in my arms and make her tell me every bad thing that ever happened to her so I could kill it, but I knew from experience that physical touch can feel overwhelming during a panic attack. For the first time in my life, I was grateful for having gone through some shit overseas so that I could learn tools to help her deal with whatever trauma she’s trying to run away from.
We pull into the parking lot of Goodwill and I help Liv off my bike. She seems a little more at ease, a little more comfortable with me.
“Did you enjoy the ride?”
“Yeah… I really loved feeling the wind in my hair. It was like… I don’t know. It felt like freedom.”
Goddamn, this woman. She’s perfect and she doesn’t even know it.
She looks embarrassed though, like she revealed too much about herself.
I take her hand and pull her close, running the fingers of my other hand through her hair, tilting her head up.
“That’s exactly why I love riding. It feels kinda like flying, yeah?”
She nods, still looking up at me with those multi-colored eyes. I can tell she’s fighting with herself. She wants this, she wants me, but everything in her body, her past, is screaming for her to run.
I lean down and place a kiss on her forehead and then back off. I don’t want to overwhelm her.
We walk into the store hand in hand.
“What are you looking for today?” I ask.
“I’ve had my eye on a few things. I don’t really have much.”
She leads us over to some dressers and side tables. She waves a worker over and has him mark a few items as sold.
Liv leafs through the cash in her purse, nods, and walks over to some mattresses that have seen better days.
“Well, these don’t look promising,” she says as her fingers trace over a huge stain on one of the mattresses leaning against the wall. Her face is scrunched up and it’s fucking adorable.
Loving Liv (Chaos MC #2) Page 5