“Thomas has been keeping an eye on you, said you got a big knock to the head when it went through the glass. But the surgery went well, you’re going to be fine. It’ll just take time, that’s all, love.”
“But Sam, will he be…”
“He’ll be fine, honey.” She tried to hug her daughter as best she could over the tubes running from Lanie’s body to the various machines. “Thomas’s been with him. They’re just setting his arm now.”
“I don’t remember being in the car. I was at the mall with Sammy—we were going for ice cream. How does that… how does that land me in a car wreck?”
Her mom looked down at the floor and sighed deeply. “I’m sure you’ll remember Lanie, but the police do want to talk to you about that.”
“I don’t remember, Mom.” Tears welled in Lanie’s eyes, and the room began to blur again.
* * *
The police officers were ushered through later that day, short on time and pleasantries.
“Can you tell us where you were traveling Tuesday afternoon, Mrs. Karvan?” The officer leafed through a file as he spoke, his partner watching her intently.
“Sammy and I were going out, going for ice cream. And groceries—just a few things.”
“Do you usually take the old loop road, Mrs. Karvan?” The officer looked up from the papers.
“No. I never take it. No one does since the freeway went through.”
“So why were you on it Tuesday?”
“I wasn’t on it. I remember we were at the store and we were going to the food court to buy ice cream after I finished the shopping.”
“After that though, after the ice cream, where did you go next?”
“I uh…” Lanie strained, desperate to fill the gaps. “I honestly don’t remember anything else. We had ice cream—I promised Sammy ice cream…”
“Okay, that’s all for now, Mrs. Karvan. We’ll be in touch.” The officer glanced at his partner, eyebrows raised, as they prepared to leave the room.
“If she starts to remember anything, please give me a call.” The senior officer passed a card to her mother.
“Hello? I’m here too? Just because I’m in the hospital doesn’t mean you have to treat me like a child!” Lanie shot at the retreating officers.
“Get some rest, ma’am.”
Chapter Two
A couple of weeks in the hospital are enough to drive you mad. Lanie’s movements were stiff as she packed the handful of possessions Thomas and her mother had brought in for her, taking care to check all the draws before she zipped her case.
“Are you ready? You sure you feel up to this?” Thomas walked in, placing his hands on her shoulders, piercing blue eyes full of concern.
Lanie blinked at him, momentarily lost.
“Sorry,” she murmured. “Yes, I’m all set—the doctor’s already been in and doesn’t need to see me ’til next week.”
Holding his wife’s bag between them, Thomas kept up a silent, steady pace as they walked across the hospital car park. Leaving her to open her own door, he inelegantly hurled her suitcase onto the back seat while checking his phone, frowning as he tapped out a one-handed reply.
Only fifteen minutes, and I get to see my boys again, Lanie thought, stomach clenched with excitement.
* * *
The empty house had been a total affront.
“What do you mean you did it for me? I’ve waited so long to see them, to hold them again! I miss them, Thomas, I miss being with them, lying with them, cuddling them. I want—to see—my boys.”
Apparently the shrill voice also works on shitty husbands.
Lanie watched Thomas slam the front door and storm across the street.
Lanie left the window, pausing as she walked to the kitchen to admire a bouquet of flowers that had come home days earlier without her. Reaching under the flowers to find the card, she found a badge. Picking it up, she saw Thomas’s picture, his “letters”—that’s what they’d always called his qualifications—basically everything listed the same as on his hospital ID badge, except this one had a different logo and a different title. Research Director. Experimental Medicine. The Institute of Medical and Environmental Sciences.
What the hell?
Chapter Three
The kids had gone to bed before she’d raised the issue of the badge. Thomas hadn’t bothered to hide his look of irritation.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Lanie.”
“There was a badge, with your name on it, that said you worked at some research department or something?” Lanie watched him carefully.
“Lanie, you know I’ve been at the hospital for the last fifteen years.” He walked over to the table, retrieving his ID badge from where his things lay next to the flowers. He passed it to her. Lanie blinked. “Dr. Thomas Karvan, Chief of Neurosurgery.” She sighed, handing the badge back to him.
“I swear, Thomas. I swear there was a different one here…” Lanie looked confused.
“What’s going on? What aren’t you telling me?” she demanded.
“Oh, come on Lanie, please don’t start this again.” Thomas looked exasperated. “Get some rest.”
“Start what?” Lanie glared at him. “I know what I saw!”
He’d walked off then and fallen asleep on the couch. When she woke in the morning, he was gone.
* * *
She’d waited until the kids were at school before she’d started the hunt.
That badge has got to be around here somewhere.
It wasn’t in his bedside drawer, and it hadn’t been tucked in neatly with his socks and boxers. She hovered at the door of his locked study.
“You can’t come in here, Lanie. Doctor-patient confidentiality is very important.”
She had started out cautiously. “I’ll be careful not to look at anything patient-y,” she told herself, but before long it had become a full-scale hunt. She kicked the filing cabinet next to his desk in frustration. Perhaps she had misread the badge? Maybe it was a gag gift or something from years ago that Thomas just didn’t remember? Lanie heard a clunk, some files falling down the back of the cabinet. She quickly pulled out the bottom drawer, desperate to put the papers back so Thomas wouldn’t notice she’d been in there. As she picked up the files, one fell from her hands, spilling papers all over the carpet. Newspaper clipping after clipping glided to a halt on the carpet. Brows furrowed and lips pursed, Lanie had looked closer at the clippings, her interest piqued.
Obituaries. A news clipping about a researcher from the local medical teaching and research institute she’d met once before, back when she and Thomas were new graduates and he was taking up a fellowship at the school. He’d been found hanging in his own lab, leaving behind a wife and three children.
God, that was tragic. I remember those kids at the funeral, and his poor wife.
More papers. Detailed topographic charts. Pages and pages of information about edible vegetation, life that thrived in arid conditions, methods for collecting drinking water.
Thomas has never been interested in our garden. He couldn’t even keep a cactus alive.
Frowning and lost in thought, she placed the papers back in their folder and returned the file to the drawer. Locking the cabinet, Lanie then put the key back in its hiding place.
Oh, Thomas, you’ve never been good at hiding anything from me. We know each other too well.
Lanie heard a rattle of keys, then the click of the front door unlocking. She spun around, suddenly in a state of panic.
“Mrs. Karvan? Mrs. Karvan?”
A steady, calm voice sang out through the house. Thomas had insisted on a housekeeper while she recovered. Lanie exhaled, suddenly aware she’d been holding her breath.
“Oh, thank God.” Lanie came out to meet her. “You startled me. You must be Susan?”
A kind, older lady carrying a wicker basket full of cleaning products smiled back at her. She placed her basket on the floor.
“Oh, it’s just lovely
to meet you, Mrs. Karvan.” She extended her hand toward Lanie.
“I hope I didn’t startle you too much. I wouldn’t want to upset someone in your condition.” She smiled at Lanie kindly.
My condition? What had Thomas told her?
“It’s lovely to meet you, too.” Lanie shook her hand gently. “How about I leave you to it then?”
“Okay.” Susan smiled. “Well you take care then, Mrs. Karvan.”
Lanie stepped out of the house, had to clear her head—uncovering Thomas’s weird newspaper clippings had been puzzling; he never read the paper. They must have been left-over garbage from his last office clean-out at work, stuff he didn’t want to throw away but didn’t know what to do with. Maybe his secretary cut them out for him? What had really bothered her, though, were a few of the entries she’d seen on his desktop calendar as she was rifling through his things.
“Leila, 6pm @ institute”
The institute? The badge mentioned the institute. But Thomas had given up research years ago. “Too busy saving lives.” And Leila was his secretary. Or maybe… One of the school moms had mentioned a new bar had opened up in town recently. She tried to remember the name, certain it began with the letter “I”. Was Thomas…? No, he wouldn’t do that, not since… There had been tears, talk of splitting up, but she’d decided to believe him that it was a one-off mistake, that he’d learned from it. He’d never given her a reason to doubt him again, and she’d stopped looking for signs.
Lanie looked around. She still hadn’t left her driveway. She blinked, shaking her head violently.
I’ve got to stop zoning out like this.
“Come on Lanie, get it together,” she muttered, starting the car. The insurance company had paid out, and Thomas had bought her a brand-new car. She’d get some lunch, that’s what she’d do. Yes, lunch. And do a little shopping down at the mall. Normalcy. She pulled out of the driveway. Tomorrow morning, she’d make lunch for the boys, all their favorite things. Thomas would have just given them money for the school cafeteria.
Chapter Four
Lanie walked slowly through the food court, and walking past the bright lights of the McDonald’s, she had a strange sense of déjà vu. Suddenly she felt dizzy. Lanie grabbed at a table and chairs to her left, knocking one over.
Sam was running away from her, almost flying toward a car speeding through the mall parking lot. “Grampa!” he yelled. “Grampa! Grampa!” She finally caught hold of the back of his shirt, hauling him back toward her car. “No, Sammy, Grampa’s in heaven now.” Sam pointed at the car. “No, Mommy, look!” Lanie craned her neck to where the car was lined up to leave the mall. The older man driving the car caught her eye, then immediately looked away, swinging his car violently into oncoming traffic and out of the parking lot. No. It couldn’t be…
“Are you okay, ma’am?” A pock-marked face wearing a headset and McDonald’s cap filled her vision. Lanie blinked as the young man came into focus. “You had a pretty bad fall there, ma’am. Can I get you some water? Or maybe a soda? Maybe you need some sugar? You look very pale, ma’am.”
Lanie slowly propped herself up on her elbows. A small crowd had gathered around where she lay on the floor of the food court.
“Yes.” Lanie looked around. “Please. I would love a coffee.”
“Perhaps something to eat?” Another voice. “Maybe a sandwich?”
“Yes. Please.” The young McDonald’s worker helped her to her feet, assisted by another lady in an apron. She caught sight of the mall medics striding toward her.
“I’m okay. I’m okay.” They eased her down into a chair. “I had an accident a few weeks back… My head… Sometimes I just…”
Lanie’s mother took a cab to the mall and drove her daughter home.
* * *
“What happened, Lanie?” Her mother asked, voice full of concern.
“I think I blacked out,” Lanie began. “Then I had this weird dream. I was in the mall parking lot, and Sam mistook an old man in a car for Thomas’s father.”
“Lanie, that’s fabulous!” Her mother turned to her, smiling.
“Mom!” Lanie glared at her mother, exasperated. “I blacked out at the mall. That’s not something I’d call great.”
“No, Lanie.” Her mother smiled. “You told me about that when it happened the week before the accident. You must be getting your memory back!”
Lanie stared out the window, desperate to remember.
Poor Sam had become irate when she’d reminded him that “Grampa,” Thomas’s father and fellow neurosurgeon, had passed the year before. Maybe we should have flown over for the funeral, let him see that Grampa had passed.
Lanie took a bite of her sandwich. “Mom, have you heard of the institute?” she asked.
“Oh, that bar you and Thomas went to the other week?”
“Yeah, I guess so?” Lanie shrugged.
“Or that place Thomas used to work while you were both in college?”
“No, that can’t be it!” Lanie laughed. “Thomas hasn’t been out there since school, I haven’t been since we got married in the library gardens there…”
“Lanie, you told me you took Sam out there to see the gardens near the library there just the other week.”
“I did?” Lanie stared at her mother. “Why would I do that?”
“You told me you wanted to show Sam where you got married.”
“Oh, of course.” Lanie nodded. “He’s curious about everything at his age.”
Lanie stared out the window. Maybe if she went out to the institute she might remember?
Chapter Five
The next day Lanie drove out to the institute, taking the old loop road. Turning onto the secluded pass, she remembered what the police had told her. She’d had her accident here. Did she crash coming back from the institute? Nothing else was out this way. When was I out at the institute library last? I’d remember those shelves, those stacks, anywhere, but I haven’t been there for years. Shaking her head, she kept driving. Lanie walked through the institute gardens, sat and ate lunch on one of the heavy stone benches donated by former research fellows. She closed her eyes, wishing for another flashback. It never came.
Chapter Six
Sam’s last class of the day was at the school library. When he didn’t rush out with the other children at the bell, Lanie wandered inside looking for him.
“Is Sam still here?” she asked the librarian.
“He’s just over in the corner reading, Mrs. Karvan.” The librarian pointed to a pile of beanbags in the corner of the open area. “He said he wanted to finish his story.”
“Of course.” Lanie smiled and slowly walked over toward her boy. Libraries always smelled the same. Books and plastic book coverings…
Lanie had Sam’s hand in hers, running down the path leading away from the institute library. “Mommy, Mommy!” Sam cried. “You’re going too fast, Mommy!”
“Mommy! Mommy!”
“Mommy’s okay, Sam.”
Lanie opened her eyes. Sam’s nose was inches from hers, his tear-streaked face and wild eyes looming above her.
“Oh, Sammy.” Lanie hugged Sam close to her.
“Mommy, you fell!” Sam wailed.
“Are you okay, Mrs. Karvan?” the librarian asked. “You went down pretty hard there. It’s a good thing you landed in the beanbags.”
“I’m fine. It’s been happening a bit since the accident.” Lanie slowly stood up, Sam clinging to her.
“Are you okay to drive? Can I call someone for you?” The librarian helped Lanie to the door.
“I’m fine, I promise.”
* * *
Lanie had been sipping her favorite claret, recounting her weird moments of recall that day to Thomas as she started to prepare the evening meal, moving her hips in time to the jazz CD as she sliced and diced.
“Jesus Lanie, what the hell were you doing out at the institute with Sam?” Thomas yelled.
Lanie’s wine glass hit the floor, s
hattering.
“I… I… wanted to show him the gardens where we got married…” Lanie stuttered.
“No!” Thomas banged the table. “We discussed this. Your snooping around and following Leila everywhere is what caused all this mess. You followed her out there that day! Don’t you dare make excuses. The fact that you took our son is the most disgusting part. Don’t drag Sam into your weird, paranoid delusions.”
“No, Thomas, no!” Lanie screamed, tears filling her eyes. “I took him to see the gardens!”
“No. You followed Leila there.” Thomas glared at her. “Then you smashed up our car and our kid on that dingy old back road!”
“It wasn’t like that, Thomas, I didn’t smash up the car on purpose—I just wouldn’t, you know that.”
“All I know is you’ve been coming up with crazy crap for weeks—even before the accident. Following my staff around was one thing, but dragging Sam into it?”
“I didn’t follow Leila…” Lanie shook her head. “Mom said I took him to see the gardens…”
“So you told your mom you were taking him to the gardens to hide your real motives.” Thomas sighed. “You need help, Lanie.”
Chapter Seven
“Have you been having nightmares? Panic attacks, any generalized feelings of anxiety? Mood swings?”
Thinking back, Lanie was undecided.
I don’t think so.
“Most of the time, no. But there are weird little things… Thomas swears that badge wasn’t real, but I’m sure I saw it. Thomas says I’ve been following his secretary for weeks, but it doesn’t seem like me, like our relationship.”
“I need you to keep a journal, write down anything new since the accident. Any thoughts, images, nightmares, panic attacks—anything you feel is out of character. Meanwhile, let’s get some scans done and see if anything else is going on.”
From the Indie Side Page 22