by S. Moose
CHAPTER 19
TRESTON
I SET MY BAG DOWN and shove my keys in my jeans. I sent a text to Jackson, telling him to take care of Zara since I can't.
Reaching for her door I turn the knob and it’s not budging. Softly knocking on her door I wait and there’s no response. Taking out a credit card from my wallet, I slip it through the crack of the door and the door opens without any problems. I open her door and see her eyes meeting mine. She doesn't move and I'm afraid she's going to tell me to leave.
But she doesn't.
I walk in and slightly shut the door, not all the way, just a bit. Taking four steps I'm by her side, on one knee, brushing her hair from her eyes. I know she's been crying and it kills me to do this to her.
"I love you Zara and I want to spend more time with you. I want to fall asleep holding you in my arms. I want to feel you and be inside you. I want it all. You make me want it all, but I can’t let you in. I can’t do anything. I’m sorry."
This is harder than I thought. I don't want to say goodbye to her or let her go. I just have to. My stomach clenches with the thought of breaking her. I know I’m a fucking pussy. I’m so pissed off at everything and everyone. My chance of being happy is slipping away. Everything is slipping away.
Wounded eyes find mine. I have to look away or else I’ll cave in and crawl into bed with her. "No,” she shakes her head, “No, Treston.”
I don't want to run away. Calling her Emily tonight hurt. My deep issues are still here and I can’t drag her through my hell. I saw the pain in her eyes and heard her heart breaking. I've hurt her enough.
She's now standing in front of me, but I can't give her what she wants. If I stay with her it'll be the most selfish act of my life. By letting her go, I'm giving her the chance to be happy and find someone else.
Her arms wrap around my neck and the smell of her perfume invades my senses. She smells amazing. I love feeling her against me. Our faces are inches apart. Her soft blue eyes stare into mine. She's my truth, the one who can put me back on the ground. Even though things around me are ugly and tainted, she's the one who makes it beautiful and worth it.
"Please don't leave me. I know that right now isn't good, but I love you so much. I know you think walking away is the right answer, but it's not. I believe in fate and destiny. I believe that I picked Duke for a reason. I believe I picked to play lacrosse for a reason. I chose you, Treston. Every step that we've taken, the beautiful and ugly, has led us here. We fought so hard and you're going to throw it away?"
"You don't need this kind of love though. I'm broken, can't you see?"
"In a way we all are. But that's why we talk, Treston." More tears fall from her eyes. I can't take it anymore. I have to leave.
"I want this, Zara. I want it all. You're the best thing in my life and even though I tried pushing you away, you're the one who broke down my walls. But I can't give you what you need. You deserve someone who'll cherish you and love you the way you deserve to be loved. I want to hold onto you and kiss you throughout the days and nights. You're a memory I'm never letting go. Without you here with me, it's hard to breathe. You make it easier. But I'm not that guy. I'm too fucked up."
She shakes her head, “No. Please, no.”
"I love you so much. But I have to let you go. I'll hurt you. I'll destroy your life." My lips brush against her cheeks and I turn away, walking away from perfection.
CHAPTER 20
ZARA
IT'S BEEN ALMOST FIVE months since Treston walked away from me. Even now, I don't understand the reasoning behind him leaving me. I've been thinking about it over and over. Nothing makes sense. I cling onto the lacrosse necklace from Treston. I can’t bring myself to wear it, so when no one’s around I hold onto it, imagining it’s his hand that I’m holding. As crazy as it sounds, I feel closer when I’m holding onto the necklace.
After he left me during Thanksgiving break, my whole world fell apart. Jackson came over early in the morning and held me as I sobbed. I couldn’t talk and I refused to look at anyone. My parents were upset for me and couldn’t understand what happened either. I turned off my phone while I was home and stayed in my room. The only people I talked to were my parents and Jackson.
When it was time to go back to campus, I had a panic attack and it took me a while to get in the car. My chest tightened and my vision became blurry. It was as if my world was falling apart again. I felt him slip through my fingers and the emptiness his absence left behind was brutal. I saw the signs that he was starting to break, but I wanted to keep him alive and near me. I wanted him to show me what he needed. A sign, something, anything, to keep him in my life and help him. The demons from his past were strong and dominated his present and future. I wasn’t sure how I was going to fight against what he went through.
Then Emily.
I had so many questions going through my head. I was tempted to ask Gavin and Katy. But I couldn't bring myself to be deceitful and disrespect Treston's decision to keep me out of that part of his life. If he didn't want me knowing, there had to be a reason. And I'm sure it was a valid reason.
When I got back to campus, I fell apart again. Seeing the guys’ lacrosse house and his car took me back to the night he left me. I sobbed and nearly didn’t make it in the house. Katy, Jamie and Gavin were in the living room when Jackson and I walked it. They ran to me, brought me in their arms, and I cried. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t breathe. I needed Treston.
The rest of the semester was brutal and I nearly failed history. Professor Clarke understood and helped me so I wasn’t failing. I still had to finish the project with Treston. When we got together to work, Gavin and Katy were with us. He tried talking to me, but I told him I couldn’t or else I was going to drop the class and he’d fail. I didn’t think Professor Clarke would have failed him, but he believed me and gave me the distance I wanted.
My first semester came and went and I ended up with all A’s. I’m still not sure how that happened, but thanks to energy drinks and coffee, I made it through. I spent Christmas and New Year’s with my parents and it was nice to get away and not think about the looming disaster waiting for me back at school.
Crawling out of bed, I open the window and let the March breeze in. It’s stuffy in the room so the breeze feels good. I look at the time and see I have about two more hours until lacrosse practice. We’ve been doing pretty well, minus the three losses in a row. It was bad and Coach nearly killed us. We weren’t communicating and I lost my temper in one of the games. When I saw Treston in the stands, I did some illegal moves and Coach quickly pulled me. She stared at me and shook her head. I felt like shit. Like a failure.
I know he still comes to my games and I try so hard not to pay attention. A few times I have almost told Gavin to tell Treston to not bother coming. But as a Blue Devil, we support one another. As long as he doesn’t come up to me and talk, I’ll be fine.
I think.
Gavin and Treston still help out the girls’ team and I hate when he's around. I'm awful to him and we don't see eye to eye. I know he's here to help, but I don't like getting advice from him. Part of me just doesn't care, while the other part is screaming at me to enjoy the time with him.
Grabbing my clothes and towels, I creep out of my room and into the bathroom. It’s the little things like keeping clean that are small accomplishments. Trust me, if I could stay in bed all day, I would.
After my shower, I curl back in bed, holding my necklace and picture of us. The picture was taken one lazy Sunday afternoon. I’m lying on Treston’s chest and his arm is protectively around me. We’re both smiling. We’re both happy. Hot tears spring from my eyes and I’m brought back to where I don’t want to be.
When’s it going to stop hurting?
The bedroom door opens. Gavin and Katy come in and sit on either side of me. She rubs my back and holds my hand. This simple gesture makes me cry harder. My heart hurts. Everything hurts.
“I want to be okay. I do. I hate cry
ing and feeling like this,” I tell them through sobs. “I still don’t understand all of this. I thought he loved me. I thought we were going to get through this. He called me Emily and I can hear him say I love you so much, Emily whenever I close my eyes.”
“He’s a mess too, babe. We actually just came from the house. Do you want to go talk to him?” Katy asks. They know the answer. I can’t bring myself to talk to him. As childish as I’m being, it hurts too much to be near him. I know it’s been almost five months since we broke up, but the heart doesn’t understand time and when it’s okay to be put back together.
Hearing that he’s not doing well makes my stomach cramp and I feel sick. The bile from my stomach rises to my throat. I push them away and run to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet. My body shakes and the burning in my throat is so strong.
I haven’t been eating, so I have no idea what I’m throwing up. Sweat begins to form on my face and I cling onto the toilet, desperately seeking something to hold onto. Katy brings me into her arms and I grab her arms, resting my head on her, letting out the tears. Something I’ve been waiting for, true happiness, is gone. He’s ripped out my heart and took it when I gave him everything.
With one look he stole my breath.
With one touch he woke me up.
With one kiss he stole my heart.
With the nights of passion that led to morning he stole my body.
With three little words, I love you, he stole my soul.
With one name, Emily, he broke me.
Tonight, the guys are throwing a party. I'm not quite sure what the occasion is, but it's a party and I need to dance with my girls.
When we walk in, my body is on high alert for Treston. I know he's here somewhere. Katy and Jamie grab my hand and we head to the makeshift dance floor, shaking our asses to what's playing through the speakers. Right now, in this moment, I feel okay. Granted, I had a few shots before coming here.
Henry sees me and comes over with two cups in his hands. “There you are,” he says, handing me a cup.
“What is this?”
“It’s a light drink just Malibu and juice.”
I take a sip and lick my lips. It’s really light and fruity. I drink more and tell myself not to overdo it today.
Katy eyes me and I give her a look, letting her know I'm okay. She shrugs and heads to the pong table with Gavin. Jamie saunters over to someone else and gets her groove on. I shake my head and finish the drink Henry gave me.
"So, how was your break? I haven't really seen you around too much."
"Good, you know. Hung out with my parents and had fun with them. I've been busy and now that lacrosse season is here, it's my main focus."
"Yeah," he takes a drink, "I've been to a few games. You're incredible out there. It's mesmerizing."
"Thanks, Henry. I love the game."
Henry puts his arm around me and we walk outside. I keep looking for Treston and finally give up. Maybe he’s not here now.
“You look really pretty tonight,” Henry whispers in my ear, pushing a strand of my hair behind my ear. A slow smile grows on my face. I know that Henry and I don’t have much in common and he’s kind of boring, but he’s hot and nice. Can I give him a second chance? It's probably not going to come up. I mean, we went on one date and it didn't mean anything.
“Thanks.” My hair’s up in a messy bun and I have on very little makeup. “I wanted to be comfortable and casual tonight.”
“Well, you rock the look.”
"You're being really sweet tonight."
He smirks, "I want a second chance, Zara. I heard you and Treston aren't together and I'd like to take you out again."
I gulp past the lump in my throat. This isn't happening. "I'm sorry, Henry. I'm going to head out, I don't feel good. But I'll talk to you later."
"At least let me walk you to your house."
"Okay, sure."
We walk to the door and I turn to Henry. “Thank you again. I appreciate it. I’ll see you later.”
“Sounds good.” He brings my hand to his lips and kisses it softly. “Goodnight, Zara.”
“Night, Henry.”
Walking into the dark house, I walk upstairs and to my room. Undressing, I grab a long shirt and put it on. Crawling in my bed, I look at my phone again and see there’s still nothing. I can’t think straight. My vision blurs again and I hate not knowing how Treston’s doing. I want to text him and ask him how he’s doing. I want to do so much.
But I don’t.
I can’t.
The pain’s too raw and it’s too much to handle.
“Why do I even care?” I ask myself, hoping that an answer will come. It doesn’t and it makes me sad.
CHAPTER 21
TRESTON
FACE TO FACE WITH NUMBER 6, KARL ASHLEY, in the center of the field. We're breathing hard, hoping to win the ball. I focus and imagine myself winning the ball and running down the field, passing the ball to Gavin and sprinting to get open. He'll throw me the ball and I'll catch it without issues. Running from the side of the field to the middle, facing two defenders, I'm quick on my feet. Finding my sweet spot, I aim, shoot and score.
The crowd goes crazy and I shake my head. "Fuck," I mutter. That play in my head happened.
The high I'm feeling from this game, the crowd and applause, the lights. Everything. This is what I breathe for.
North Carolina calls a time out and we rush to the side to hear Coach either say keep it up or don't fuck this up. Guess which one he says?
Looking up at the stands, I know it's impossible to find people you know, but I feel her. I know she's here and I'm glad. It's a step closer to getting her back. The months apart are driving me crazy. I miss her like hell and think about her all the time.
"Not too much longer ladies," Coach says, "Don't fuck this up."
Another win tonight against North Carolina. We have six more games until the ACC Championship. The two back-to-back losses against Maryland and Loyola hurt, but we bounced back and I'm predicting all wins now.
The party at the girls’ house is crazy. They've been doing really well too, especially Zara. We've gone to all their games, at least the ones we can make, and I stand in the bleachers, watching her move and shine. She kills each play.
But she has no idea I exist anymore. To say she's been cold to me would be an understatement. She won't come near me. During lunch, she goes somewhere else. She's hardly over at the house and when I do see her, she looks past me. She won't answer her phone or respond to any of my text messages. I've been thinking of ways to get her back. Everything comes back blank. She hates me.
After our breakup over Thanksgiving break, we've been distant and I don't blame her. I get that she hates me and probably wants to see me drop dead. When we got together to work on the report, Gavin and Katy were with us. Zara refused to be near me. We finished the history project and got an A. I wanted to say something to her, but nothing came out. She stared at me and walked away. For the second time, I let her go.
She went on a cruise with her parents for Christmas and New Year’s while I stayed in my room at my parents’ house. Before leaving, I left her a lacrosse pendant necklace with a card. I don't know if she ever got it.
I fucking miss her. I bought the body spray she loves and spray it in my room. It's crazy and I feel like a damn creeper. Each time I smell that peachy smell before I sleep, I'm okay. I know I made a mistake and I regret it with everything I have. Lying in bed, I reminisce about the good times and smile because I got to experience a love so real and pure.
Since we're both on the lacrosse team and Coach Kaler wants us to be more involved with the girls’ team, things haven't been easy. The only time we talk, well yell, is during practice. We don't see eye to eye and she pushes my buttons. She’s a phenomenal player, but her attitude needs serious adjusting. She’s a beast on the field and the only girl I know who gets more fouls called on her than anyone I’ve seen or played with. She doesn’t take criticism we
ll and flips me off every chance she gets.
I’ve been avoiding her and only see her in passing or in practice. I keep to myself and I know she wants to talk, but I can’t.
One day at practice, her and I weren’t seeing eye to eye. We were at each other’s throats and I had enough of her mouth so I told her skinny ass to get off the field and not to come back until she’s ready to be part of a team. Let’s just say the next few words that came out of her mouth were R rated. The girl’s mouth was worse than a sailor’s. But she was ruthless and killed at each game she started in. She's the leading scorer on the team, but if her attitude doesn't change, she's going to put the team in jeopardy, along with her scholarship. Winning is the goal, but winning by playing dirty isn't our motto.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pick it up and see private caller flashing back. Every other day it seems like I'm getting a call from a private number. I never answer and they don't leave a message.
"Come on man. Let's play pong." I look up and see Jackson. I nod and follow him to the kitchen. There's a bunch of the girls on the team taking shots. Amateurs, I shake my head. They have a pretty big game tomorrow and half of them are wasted. I look around for Zara with no luck.
Jackson sets up the table and out of the corner of my eye, I see Zara walking in with Jamie and Katy. I turn around and see her. We both freeze. She's beautiful in her white shorts and slim fitting black shirt. The v-neck is a little too low if you ask me, but she's beautiful. Her hair is in soft curls and she has on a little more makeup than normal.
I look for Henry to see if he's around. Rumor has it they're dating, whether or not they're official I have no idea. The girls hate me and Gavin's been staying neutral. He tells me she's okay. I don't believe him. The spark I saw in her eyes isn't there anymore. She's walking around with a pretend smile on her face and it's my fault, not hers. At least I have some connection to her. There's a small sliver of hope she's going to come back to me and I don't want to lose that hope. Thinking about never seeing her again hurts me to the point where I can't breathe. I need her back in my life.