“It’s weird,” I said. “I feel her around me all the time. I feel her presence even now, walking with us.” I held my arm out in the air like I was holding her leash, imagining her following us to enjoy steak frites and red wine and mussels on this cold winter night in New York City. She’d prop her head on the table and smile at us.
“I feel that, too,” Caitlin added. “She’s definitely around. But you know what? You know what really reminds me of Gizelle?” I took off my beanie to feel the Manhattan snow on my head, and that’s when Caitlin said something I will never forget.
“You do, Lauren. You remind me of Gizelle.” I smiled a teary smile. “When I’m with you, I feel like I’m with her.”
I held my palm to my heart and knew that was where Gizelle lived now. Right inside of me to carry everywhere.
* * *
I was in the middle of writing this book when my mom called me from rehab on a ranch somewhere in Tennessee. “Hi, sweetie,” she said. She only had seven minutes to use the phone. I could hear the ticking timer on the other line.
“Hi, Mom.” I tensed a little and took a deep breath. I’d seen her maybe once in the past year and hadn’t talked to her in a few months. I wondered which version of my mom was on the other line. I didn’t trust her and was still struggling to make sense of her addiction, still trying to deal with the ups and downs that came with trying to have a relationship with her or trying not to have a relationship with her.
“This place is so wonderful,” Mom said. “There are so many dogs here. They follow me everywhere, Fernie. I wake up at five thirty in the morning before everyone else to go for a walk on the farm, and, I’m telling you, those dogs, they wait for me! They wait by my door. I seriously just want to take one of them home. But I know I can’t yet.”
I let out my breath. “That’s really sweet, Mommy.”
“There is this one doggy named Dixie,” she continued excitedly. “When you put your hand like this and you say POW! she turns on her back and rolls over. It’s hilarious! Dixie is so smart.” She got more serious. “I talk to Dixie. She listens.”
I have no doubt that Dixie did listen to Mom, as she claimed. And the thought of Dixie listening to my mom, loving my mom, loving all the people in rehab, without any consideration of what their pasts held or the daily struggles they faced, was enough to make me tear up. I took another breath and focused back on our conversation. Most of our seven-minute, six-months-overdue catch-up centered on the doggies at rehab. And that was enough.
There was a time when I wanted things for my mother that she would never wish for me. Lock her up! Punish her! Send her away forever! I never quite realized that the only person those thoughts and resentments ever hurt was me. So I’ve tried taking a different approach: love Mom. I’ve found that letting myself love her is much easier—on everyone, including myself— than staying angry. Loving her does not mean I have to go running into her arms. Loving her means I can love her from a distance. I can remove myself. I will stay in my own lane. But I will always love her, whether she’s sober or not. I’m going to trust the dogs on this one: love works best when it is given without conditions. So I’ll do my best to love my mom without any. I’ll try to limit my requirements of her, pray for her, let go of her, and trust that she was always doing the best she could.
What I’ve learned is that I am a happier person if I do not carry around the grievances I once felt about my mom. Sometimes I picture my heart like the carry-on suitcase I dream to carry around the world. There’s not enough room for everything in that carry-on. So I must choose carefully, wisely. I could pack the pain I have felt in the past, especially in dealing with Mom. I could stuff all those grievances into my bag and drag them with me on my adventure—but that’s a lot of weight to carry. And I certainly hope no one would carry around my shortcomings and my mistakes in their suitcase and constantly let those mistakes influence the quality of their own adventure. So I try to carry with me the things that I do love about my mom—her whimsical, childlike spirit, her positive attitude, her love for animals, her love for me. That she was the one who got me Gizelle, and Gizelle protected me. Gizelle was my best friend.
As I was writing this book, I always felt Gizelle around, at my feet or resting her nose on my computer. I miss her terribly, but whenever I do, I hold my hand to my heart and I know Gizelle is still mine to carry everywhere. And if I could carry myself like Gizelle, my big dog with the big pretty smile and even bigger heart, I will have made it. If I could find a way to live my life with her spirit and the unconditional love Gizelle showed me, I will have made it. With the ability to live in the moment, to enjoy the little things and treat every day like a fresh start, a new adventure, no matter where I am in the world or what my struggles are. Yes, to live with the unconditional love and free spirit of a dog—that would be the dream.
Acknowledgments
In an effort to keep with my theme of “lists,” I made a list of people (and animals) who helped make this dream a reality. There were so many who helped me while I was writing, editing, or living this story, and I’d like to express my most sincere gratitude to all of them.
• To the dog who made this whole thing possible, my best friend, Gizelle. I always knew you would live in my heart forever, but never could I have imagined I would get to share you with others, too.
• My amazing agent, David Doerrer. Thank you for being the first person to believe in me and this story, before I even knew what it was. Thank you to Steve Ross and everyone else at Abrams.
• Karyn Marcus for editing this book and providing endless encouragement and patience. Thank you for seeing something in me and for teaching me not to use so many exclamation points.
• Christine Pride for swooping in with your expert eye and carrying us across the finish line.
• Sydney Morris for enthusiastically answering all my questions and helping me sort through thousands of Gizelle photos.
• Everyone at Simon & Schuster for believing in Gizelle and taking a chance on me, especially Jonathan Karp, Richard Rhorer, Dana Trocher, and Elizabeth Gay.
• Dad for your patience and love. Thank you for always treating my dreams like they are your own and for providing a roof over my head while I wrote this. LOL.
• Tripp, you’re the hardest working, funniest person I know and I love you.
• Erisy, I’m so lucky to have a little sister I look up to so much. You make me a better person.
• My sister-in-law, Jenna, who isn’t an in-law at all. I don’t know what I would do without you.
• My Rebecca for always listening to me and reminding me everything is okay. I think we got it right this time.
• My grandmother, Joy Hafner Bailey (aka Gandy/ Twerp), you are the reason I started writing. I love you and how and how.
• Aunt Poopers for your honesty.
• Aunt KK for being my first reader and first preorder (and for everything else).
• Aunt Laurie for being Gizelle’s biggest fan.
• Aunt Lele for always helping.
• Paula for being the first person to read my first chapter.
• To the Straney Family for your support and for loving Gizelle like she was your own.
• To Katie and James (and your mastiff, Toby G), thank you for caring for Gizelle with such love, for finding the perfect delivery system for giving Gizelle her pills, and for being so supportive of me.
• Kimmy, thank you for the Michael Jackson dance parties in Central Park and for always riding the elevators in Times Square with me for fun. Thank you for taking care of me and Gizelle.
• The Beesley Family for your help with Gizelle and our move to New York City.
• Gizelle’s favorite aunts and uncles in NYC who did so much for us:
Elan and Ashley (and Nacho, who Gizelle is very sad she never got to meet)
Maggie, Alex, and Moxie Waffles Berman
Danielle Owen
Lucy Ballantyne
• Cullen
Thomas, for helping that girl in your memoir class who sent you a panicky email on a Saturday morning because her story went viral and she didn’t know what to do. Thank you for being the first to tell me that my story was worthy and that I could do this.
• My best high school friend, Kelley, and her brother Mitch, who lost their beautiful mother, Patti Strange, way too early. Kelley, your strength inspires me.
• Meghan and the Meehan Family.
• Lara Alammedine and Daniel Dubiecki, thank you for taking me and Gizelle under your wings and for giving me the opportunity to bring our story to the big screen.
• To Everyone at Odd Lot Entertainment, especially Rachel Shane and GiGi Pritzker.
• Andy Cochran.
• My film agent, Brad Rosenfeld, for making it happen.
• Mark Turner for his shared love of dogs.
• Norman Dwek, for sharing his home with me.
• Thank you to all of the wonderful people who wrote me or friended me or shared Gizelle’s Bucket List story back in January 2015, and thank you to all of the dogs who inspired them to do so. You changed my life.
• To Pamela Ann Brummet (and her beloved pup, Jackson), a thoughtful stranger and talented artist who sent me the most beautiful painting of Gizelle.
• To the English mastiff groups on Facebook, particularly the group “Drool is Cool.” Writing a book about Gizelle without Gizelle was sometimes very sad, but whenever I logged onto Facebook and scrolled through our group, I found all of the mastiff love I needed. You are the best dog owners I know.
• To my new rescue dog, Bette, you are chewing on my arm right now making it difficult to type, and sometimes I swear you are part piranha, but I love you. Thank you for refilling that spot in my heart and for teaching me patience.
• Last of all, and most of all, thank you to my precious mommy. Mom, thank you for your love and generosity. I love you. I miss you. Every day I pray for you to have a good day. I hope you know how wonderful you are.
• To anyone else who struggles with addiction, I hope you find the light outside of all the chaos and lots of things to be thankful for.
© RAPHYE ALEXIUS
Lauren Fern Watt was born in Dallas, Texas, and grew up in the suburbs of Nashville, Tennessee. After college, she moved to a tiny New York apartment with her 160-pound English mastiff, Gizelle. Her first book, Gizelle’s Bucket List, has been translated into fourteen languages and optioned for film. She lives in Los Angeles with her rescue dog named Bette. They continue checking things off a bucket list of their own.
To learn more about Lauren’s adventures please visit:
@lfernwatt
www.laurenfernwatt.com
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Copyright © 2017 by Lauren Watt
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First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition March 2017
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Jacket design by Jonathan Bush
Jacket photograph of dog by John Arthur photography;
Hair by Anetlanda/Bigstock; Shoreline by Ericbvd/Bigstock;
Elbow © B-D-S/Bigstock; Lighthouse by Gkgraphics/Bigstock
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Watt, Lauren Fern, author.
Title: Gizelle’s bucket list : my life with a very large dog / Lauren Fern Watt.
Description: New York: Simon & Schuster, 2017.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016033521|ISBN 9781501123658 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781501123665 (pbk.)
Subjects: LCSH: Mastiff—New York (State)—New York. | Watt, Lauren Fern. | Human-animal relationships.
Classification: LCC SF429.M36 W38 2017 | DDC 636.70092/9—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016033521
ISBN 978-1-5011-2365-8
ISBN 978-1-5011-2367-2 (ebook)
Gizelle's Bucket List Page 17