by Jo Ann Brown
“Danki, Orpha,” she said. “I know it isn’t easy for you to say this.”
“It isn’t, but it’s easier than it would have been if I hadn’t discovered what love is. Real love.” She glanced toward where Larry was pretending not to be watching them. Averting her eyes, she said, “I’m not sure where discovering love will take me. Or when, but I know I’d be foolish to settle for anything less than true love.” A sad smile edged along her lips. “Rose told me that. I hope you’ll forgive me.”
“You know we already have,” Isaiah replied as Clara nodded beside him. Now if I could forgive myself. He was glad those words were only in his mind. They sounded pitiful and complaining...and they were. Why wouldn’t his thoughts heed him? Forgiveness was necessary if one wanted to be closer to God.
Did he want to keep a space between him and God? Like Orpha’s anger being spewed at him and Clara, it was the easy way out. But not God’s way for him.
His eye was caught by Reuben coming to stand beside Mamm. She laid a gentle hand on his sleeve. She left it there for the length of time it took Isaiah to blink, but he couldn’t miss the way the bishop slanted toward her. The two motions were as loud as a shout.
Reuben and Mamm were falling in love. No, he corrected himself. They were in love. Their second chance at a once-in-a-lifetime love, a true gift from God. He looked to where his oldest brother Joshua sat with his family and his second wife. Joshua had been granted that wunderbaar gift also.
He heard his brothers’ voices echoing from his memory. They’d believed Clara was in love with him. Was it possible for him to receive the same blessing?
Ja, came the soft voice of his conscience. It’s possible because you’ve already been blessed with the second chance.
He watched Clara assisting the twins to carry their desserts. Dear, sweet Clara who had set aside her life to come to help him and the kinder. She loved the twins without reserve, but, as he’d sensed almost from the beginning, she held back a part of herself from everyone else, including him.
Had God brought her into his life to help him see he could trust the path set out for him? Or was Isaiah supposed to help her heal? It was an unexpected thought and a startling one he needed to consider and pray about, because he’d never guessed that helping her might be the way to help himself.
* * *
Clara swung Nancy’s and Nettie Mae’s hands as they stood in line to wait for ice cream. The little girls bounced from one foot to the other and chattered like squirrels as they discussed which flavor to pick. With the choice of chocolate, chocolate peanut butter, strawberry and vanilla, it wasn’t an easy decision. In addition, they could select chocolate sauce or crushed pineapple to go on top of their scoops.
“What you want, Aenti Clara?” asked Nancy.
“I’m trying to decide between strawberry and vanilla.”
“Want chocolate,” Nettie Mae announced, and people around them grinned.
“Me, too.” Nancy paused, then added, “But peanut butter, too.”
That set off another round of discussion between the little girls. Clara listened with a smile. The conversation would keep them busy while the line inched forward.
Scanning the crowd that had grown larger, she knew the injured man’s family would be grateful for the generosity of those who had donated food and come to share it and time with each other. Clara recognized many people, but more she didn’t. She wondered if the unfamiliar plain folks were from Reuben’s other district. A lot of Englischers had come to the chicken barbecue, as well. She’d met a few of them at Amos’s store or around Paradise Springs, but most were strangers.
A gasp caught in her throat as she stared at a man striding through the crowd as if he were the host of the gathering. It wasn’t possible, was it? She found him again among the crowd. Her eyes weren’t fooling her. Nobody walked through a crowd as Floyd Ebersol did. His head was high, and his eyes scanned those around him as if looking for someone. But she knew the truth. He was keeping track of those who watched him.
Pride was an abomination to the Amish, but not her daed. He wanted to be the center of attention wherever he went. More than once, he’d said he hoped the lot would fall on him, so he could serve as an ordained minister or deacon. He’d admitted to aspiring to be a bishop, though she doubted he could be as humble as their bishop or Reuben Lapp was.
She looked around, but didn’t see her mamm. It wasn’t a big surprise, because Mamm had seldom left the house since she’d broken her hip. She now walked with a painful limp. Many times Clara had wanted to ask her mamm if she stayed in the house, except for chores, because Daed didn’t want to share any attention with her. Clara prayed it wasn’t because her daed deemed Mamm unworthy of being seen with him because she hobbled.
Reaching the front of the line, she focused on helping the girls order their ice cream. She shook her head when asked if she wanted some, too. She couldn’t imagine putting anything in her roiling stomach. As she turned to lead Nancy and Nettie Mae to a spot where they could eat their ice cream before it melted on their clothes, she saw her daed walking in her direction with a determined expression.
“Go and sit with the boys,” she said to the twins. “I’ll be there in a minute.”
With grins already colored pink and brown from their ice cream, the two girls obeyed. She watched, and they’d reached the boys just as her daed stopped in front of her.
“Clara,” he said as a greeting.
“How are you doing, Daed? Is Mamm here? I didn’t realize you were coming. You should have...” Her voice faded when his brows lowered in his customary frown. This time she deserved his silent censure. She’d been babbling.
“I hear you’re being courted by a minister.” He didn’t let her reply before he said, “Of course, you must not make a mess of this as you did with Lonnie Wickey.”
Reminding her daed that nothing she’d done had led to Lonnie marrying another woman would be a waste of breath. “No,” she said in the calmest tone she could muster, “I’m not being courted by a minister. Isaiah Stoltzfus, who is the guardian of the kinder I’m taking care of, is a minister, it’s true, but we aren’t walking out together.”
“You should encourage him. A minister would be a gut match for you, and as a widower, he must be eager to wed and would likely overlook what happened with your previous betrothal.”
Clara was shocked speechless. In spite of his chiding about her shortcomings, she hadn’t expected her daed to think her unworthy of being loved for herself.
“Floyd Ebersol?” asked Isaiah from behind her.
She closed her eyes. How much of her daed’s comments had he overheard? She wished the ground would open right where she stood and swallow her.
“Ja?” Daed squinted at Isaiah. Did he need glasses as Nettie Mae did? If he thought they made him look old or less dignified, he’d eschew them as the little girl had tried to. “You are?”
“Isaiah Stoltzfus.” He smiled as if no tension hung in the air. “I want to tell you, Floyd, that your daughter has been a blessing. She has been a great help with the twins. Danki for allowing her to come and help us. Her kindness toward us speaks well of her upbringing.”
Clara was astonished as Isaiah continued, saying what Daed would want to hear. Each time Isaiah praised her, he made it sound as if her daed was the reason she’d done well. In a way, it was true, because she’d treated the twins as she’d prayed he would treat her. With love and understanding instead of impatience and unreasonable expectations.
Her daed preened, accepting Isaiah’s words as his due, and he smiled when Isaiah said, “I’m sorry to take Clara away from you, but we need to check on the twins.”
“Of course.” He waved them away.
Clara kept her feet from sending her running away at top speed. Instead, she walked beside Isaiah. When he glanced over his shoulder,
she did the same and saw her daed talking with another man.
Isaiah grabbed her arm and pulled her behind the school. Sitting her on the back steps, he sat beside her. She started to rise, saying she had to check on the twins, but he halted her.
“Leah and Mandy are watching them. They’ll be fine.” He brushed a strand of hair from her face. “But what about you? How are you?”
“I’m okay, too.”
“You looked pretty upset, so I decided to butt in. I figured I owed you for when you saved me from Orpha’s machinations, but I was surprised when someone said the man you were talking to was your daed.”
“Danki.” She looked at her folded hands. If she said more, the jagged tears in her throat might burst out in sobs.
“Be honest with me, Clara.”
“I am.”
He shook his head. “Not about why seeing your daed upsets you.”
Raising her head, she asked, “How much did you hear of what he said?”
“Not much. With everyone around, it’s hard enough to hear myself, let alone anyone else.” He put one hand over her clasped hands. “What are you afraid I heard?”
“Not afraid. Ashamed.”
“Ashamed? You? Clara Ebersol, you’re the most loving, generous person I’ve ever met. You’ve put your life on hold to help strangers with bereaved kinder, and you’ve helped those kinder begin to heal. What could a person like you be ashamed of?”
She should put a halt to the conversation, but her heart demanded to unburden itself to someone she could trust. “My daed expects me to be perfect.”
“Nobody is perfect.”
“Floyd Ebersol’s daughter must be. He won’t let me forget what he sees as my greatest failure because he believes it reflects on him, too.”
“What failure?”
Clara plunged into the story of how she’d been courted by Lonnie Wickey, the promises made and the promises broken. It took less time to tell than she’d guessed.
“But where did you fail?” Isaiah asked when she was done.
“I failed in my daed’s eyes by humiliating my family. I wish I could make him see I never want to do anything to hurt him and Mamm.”
He lifted her hands between his and sighed. “There are some battles you’ll never win.”
“So I should give up?”
He shook his head. “No, but you should accept what’s impossible to change. And it appears your daed is one of those unchangeable parts of your life.”
“Danki, Isaiah. I guess I’ve got a lot of lessons to learn.”
“All of us do.” His gaze searched her face, and she wondered what he was looking for and if it was there. “We need to keep learning until we take our last breath because life is challenging.”
“How did you get so wise?”
“Hard lessons.” He released her hands and framed her face with his large hands.
His mouth found hers, silencing any protests before they could form, though she didn’t want to be anywhere but with him. His kiss was gentle, and she curved her arms around his shoulders as he deepened the kiss until quivers rippled through her. How could she have thought his kiss would be like anyone else’s? It was beyond wunderbaar.
When he raised his head, she remained where she was. She traced one of his pale brows with a single fingertip. He smiled before pressing his lips to her palm. That was sweet, but not what she yearned for. She drew his mouth to hers. He held her close until she couldn’t guess if the frantic heartbeat was hers or his.
He lifted his mouth away again. This time abruptly. The softness vanished from his face as dismay filled his eyes. Standing, he didn’t look at her. “I’m sorry, Clara. I shouldn’t have done that.”
She didn’t rise as she wrapped her arms around herself, fearing she’d fall to pieces in front of him. Sorry? Did he mean kissing her was a mistake?
Fool! That’s what you are. A second man is saying he made a mistake after he kissed you!
“Don’t worry, Isaiah,” she said, staring at the ground. “It won’t change anything.” Her words were the truth. She’d felt like an idiot when she came to Paradise Springs because she’d fallen for a handsome man who acted as if he loved her. When she left Paradise Springs, she’d feel the same way...for a different handsome man.
No, this pain was far deeper because her love for Isaiah was far stronger than anything she’d experienced with Lonnie.
The shadow of his hand moved toward her, then jerked away. She closed her eyes, but the sound of his steps disappearing around the side of the school were like blows against her heart. She hung her head and wept.
Chapter Fifteen
Before the week had passed, Clara knew her plan to avoid Isaiah until the twins’ family came for them was doomed to failure. They had to share meals and taking care of the kinder. When he closed the door connecting the main house to the dawdi haus, she remained as aware of him as if the walls had become transparent. And the twins talked about him. Their affection for him had not changed.
Nor had hers, and that was the problem. Too often, the remembered sensations of his lips on hers played through her mind. Those memories urged her to toss aside caution and risk her heart again.
Isaiah had been very clear—right from the beginning—he wasn’t ready to marry again. He’d been honest when he told her that his focus had to remain on his obligations. Even their wunderbaar kisses could not deter him from doing as he must. He couldn’t let his work at the forge slide, because too many local people depended on him to shoe their horses. He never would shirk his duties as a minister. Nor would he do less than everything he could to take care of the kinder.
Despite knowing that, she’d followed her heart to him. She’d been foolish with him as she’d been with Lonnie. More foolish, because she should have learned from her earlier mistakes. She could forgive her daed for his pride, but would Daed forgive her if he believed she’d destroyed another opportunity to marry well?
Hochmut. Her daed had too much of it; yet she would never change him. Isaiah was right.
She needed to concentrate on changing her heart, which refused to heed anything but its yearning for Isaiah. She needed to follow Isaiah’s lead and concentrate on something other than being in love with him. Looking around the house, she sighed. The floors were swept. The dishes were done. Dinner was ready to be cooked. The kinder were playing quietly upstairs. She’d weeded the garden that morning. She could start the laundry, but it was too late in the day for it to dry before night fell. Maybe reading would help. She hadn’t had time since she’d arrived, and she’d packed a book, planning to finish it while in Paradise Springs.
Going to her room, she edged around her bed. She picked up the book from the table where she’d stacked the few things she’d brought with her. She gasped when something fell out. An envelope. She recognized it, though she couldn’t recall putting the letter in the book.
Opening the envelope, she drew out the single page as she sat on the edge of her bed. She read the words she’d read dozens of time already. The letter was from Lonnie, the last one he’d written her to let her know he was sorry about how things had turned out. He confessed he’d believed he loved her, but he’d discovered what love was when he met the woman who became his wife. He’d never wanted to hurt Clara, but he had to follow his heart. Giving up the love he’d found and honoring his offer of marriage to Clara would have led to them being miserable the rest of their days.
She looked at the final paragraph. Her eyes filled with tears that blurred the words that she hadn’t truly understood until now:
Clara, I treasure the time we shared, and I hope some day we can view that time with smiles and know what we shared was part of our journey to true and lasting love. I wish for you what I’ve found. You deserve someone who will make you happy instead of just content.
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br /> Lowering the page to her lap, she whispered, “I’m sorry, Lonnie. I’ve been blaming you for what happened exactly as my daed blamed me. What happened was nobody’s fault. You fell in love with someone else. You couldn’t help what your heart wanted, and, if I’d cared about you as much as I should have, I would have been happy for you. And for me, because you’re right. I didn’t love you, and you didn’t love me enough.”
She closed her eyes. She could finally look beyond her wounded pride to the truth. But had she learned to listen to gut sense? No! If her rational side had its way, she wouldn’t be listening to her heart, which drew her to Isaiah.
Sounds came from the twins’ room, and she folded the letter and put it in its envelope. “Goodbye, Lonnie,” she whispered. “I hope you’re always as happy as you deserve to be.”
Clara didn’t have any more time to think about the letter and her realizations about herself because the kinder seemed more wound up than usual. They ate their afternoon snack so quickly she wondered if they even tasted the chocolate chip cookies. She was glad to shoo them outside to play while she cleaned up from their snack. But first she wanted to check on the mail and any messages on the answering machine. She’d been sure that they would have heard from the twins’ family by now.
No light blinked by the phone in the shack by the road, and the only mail was a blacksmithing supply catalog for Isaiah. She carried it to the house and put it on the kitchen table. Picking up the dishes left by the twins, she filled the sink with soapy water.
She used to put his mail beside where he sat in the living room in the evening, but now he rushed to the dawdi haus before the twins went to bed. She half expected him to take his plate and eat in the other part of the house one of these nights. The kinder had begun to ask why he wasn’t spending more time with them.
Everything they’d built for the twins was falling apart. The sooner the kinder’s family returned and could start the youngsters on their new life, the better it would be for everyone.