“You’re amazing,” Theo chanted dutifully.
“Not me,” Wrecker said, taking Theo’s broom away and leaving Theo no other choice but to look at him.
Theo swallowed a sigh. “If I tell you I’m amazing, will you let me finish cleaning? Ezra will be here any minute to get me.”
“I’ll finish cleaning. Don’t worry about that. Tell me one good thing about yourself and I’ll let this go.”
Theo forced himself to take Wrecker seriously. His throat swelled immediately. He couldn’t think of a single thing. Theo was just existing at this point. No amount of meeting new people or avoiding the truth saved him from losing Jessie. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Jessie’s lifeless body on the floor again. Theo had told himself he would be good as long as Jessie was alive somewhere in the world. He had been granted his wish, so he would find a way to keep surviving. But Theo saw nothing good about himself. That was asking too much.
“No. Why is that in my coffeehouse?”
Wrecker’s outrage shook Theo from his musings. He glanced behind him and found Ezra holding a tiny gray and white Pitbull puppy in a Christmas tutu.
Ezra didn’t look the least bit chastised. “I couldn’t leave Icarus in the car alone. He’s a chewer.” He bounced the dog up and down like a baby. His gaze latched on to Theo. “Are you ready? Johnny dragged out the tree and decorations for you and he’s making Declan stay in his room so I can surprise him. He won’t last long, though.”
Theo glanced Wrecker’s way.
Wrecker waved him toward the door. “Go. Get out of here. Enjoy your night.”
Out of instinct, Theo hugged Wrecker and then quickly turned away. He felt a bit stupid, especially since Ezra wore a smile that screamed he thought something that wasn’t true. Theo didn’t have a thing for Wrecker. He loved Jessie. Always would. Most likely, one day, he would move on. Today wasn’t that day, and Theo already knew the truth. He could move on, but no one would ever eclipse Jessie in Theo’s heart. Everyone only got one first love. Jessie was Theo’s. There was no changing that.
Ezra was a nervous wreck. Buying Declan a new puppy was a huge risk. Declan might toss them out. If so, Ezra would take Icarus back home with him. That was no problem, but Ezra really wanted to make Declan smile. Declan and Ezra had an odd and complicated relationship. He had known the guy literally his entire life. Declan had been there, witnessing every high and low of Ezra’s life. They loved each other. It was just... complicated.
Theo flashed him a reassuring smile that looked brittle to Ezra as they came through Jessie’s back door. Ezra got it. He always felt the same mixture of emotions when he came here. Some beautiful memories lived under this roof. So too did some of the worst.
“You got this. Declan will love him.” He scratched Icarus under his chin. “How could he not?”
Ezra took a bracing breath and nodded. “Here we go.” Ezra headed down the hallway. At Declan’s bedroom door, he paused and took another deep breath before knocking. “I’m coming in. I hope you’re dressed.” With that warning out of the way, Ezra pasted on his brightest smile and burst into the room. “Surprise. Merry Christmas.”
Fudge. Declan wasn’t fully clothed. In huge work boots and tight jeans, he stood shirtless, massive chest and rock-hard abs on display. He reached for a shirt as if intent on covering himself. Then he noticed Icarus and changed directions.
“Oh wow. Who are you?”
Ezra handed the blue-eyed puppy to Declan. “This is Icarus. He’s been looking forward to meeting his new daddy.”
The pure joy on Declan’s face made Ezra’s going out on a shaky limb worthwhile. Declan kissed the puppy’s cheek, making loud kissy noises. “You’re so adorable. This is amazing.”
Ezra still felt a little shaky. He didn’t want to disappoint Declan. “His food and everything else is in the kitchen. I brought everything he needs—leash, food, bed, and toys. He’s also pretty much housebroken. I hoped he would make a good travel companion for your trip, but if you’d rather not take him just now, I can take him back home with me until you get back.”
Declan eyed Icarus. “Nah. He looks like a good boy. Don’t you, baby? Are you ready for a long car trip around the country?” Declan’s gaze latched on to Ezra and didn’t budge. “Thank you, angel. This is the best gift in the world.”
Ezra fought to show any reaction. He wasn’t ready to not see Declan for almost two months. It had always been hard to watch Declan leave for these yearly trips and go touring with Jessie. Ezra was always left behind. To stop himself from continuing to eyeball Declan’s half nude body, Ezra cast a glance around the room. Declan’s room was one of the biggest in the house. Jessie hadn’t wanted Declan to feel the need to leave it if he needed space from working. One side looked like a normal bedroom—bed, dresser, nightstand, and closet. The other half looked like a small sitting room. Large chair, coffee table, entertainment center, and bathroom. Ezra headed that way. A box filled the chair. Ezra grabbed it and planned to simply move it to the table.
Declan set the dog on the floor. “Don’t. I’ll get that.”
The box was much heavier than Ezra anticipated. He glanced down. A magazine on top caught his gaze, making him pause. Before the truth of what he was seeing sank in, the bottom gave out and magazines scattered, plopping onto the floor and sliding away. Ezra immediately dropped to his knees.
“Holy carp. I’m so sorry.” He froze as he stared down at the mess. They were him. All of them were him. It looked to be every magazine Ezra had ever posed for, including the ones he hadn’t thought Declan or Jessie knew about. Ezra slowly shifted back to his feet. He turned in a slow circle, eyeing the mess. Declan went down onto one knee at Ezra’s feet and started stacking the magazines into piles. He didn’t meet Ezra’s gaze. Ezra couldn’t look at anything else. He stared a hole in Declan’s head, willing him to look his way. Declan wouldn’t. His motions got angrier by the second until he was slapping magazines together hard enough to send Icarus running for cover. Ezra touched Declan’s shoulder. Declan froze but still didn’t lift his head. Ezra moved closer until he could cup Declan’s chin and force his head up. Still, Declan kept his gaze averted. On his knees, Declan still came to Ezra’s chest. His lips were full and beautiful. Ezra had dreamed of them more times than he could count. He found himself stroking them now.
“Please don’t,” Declan whispered, sounding desperate.
Ezra couldn’t stop. His heart was in control. He leaned down and kissed him. It was merely a sweet clinging of lips on lips with Declan’s face clasped between his hands. Ezra’s heartbeat pounded in his ears. His entire body gravitated toward Declan. No one had ever measured up to Declan in Ezra’s eyes. No one hurt him the way quietly loving Declan murdered Ezra.
“Please don’t do this to me,” Declan begged against Ezra’s lips.
Tears filled Ezra’s eyes at the plea. A lump formed in his throat. He hurt. Ezra always hurt. His hands fell away from Declan’s face, setting him free. “You’ll sleep with any little blond twink you can lure home, but you won’t even kiss me.”
Declan jerked back as if Ezra had slapped him. “Ezra, I—”
“Shut up, Declan.” Ezra stepped around him and headed for the door. He had humiliated himself for the last time with Declan. Ezra got it. They would never happen. He was the only man on the planet Declan wouldn’t touch. Ezra couldn’t hang around here anymore, watching Declan sneak his whores from the house while Ezra acted like he didn’t notice. Ezra’s heart couldn’t take this anymore. He was done.
With Johnny’s help, they had the tree upright and lit in no time. Theo only managed to hang a handful of ornaments before Ezra reappeared, head down and walking at a clipped pace. He was out the door, slamming it behind him before Theo could ask how things went. Theo tossed a questioning look Johnny’s way.
Johnny shook his head. “You had best go after him. I’ll finish this.”
Theo wanted to run as fast as he could, but he also wanted Jessie to
come home to a nice Christmas. “Are you sure?”
With his gaze locked on the tree, Johnny nodded. “Seriously. Go. All Declan does is make Ezra cry. At least, with you, he’s not alone now.”
With that tidbit of information lighting a fire beneath him, Theo raced after Ezra. He found him leaned against his car and swiping furiously at his eyes. Before Theo could ask what happened, Ezra spoke up.
“I need you to do something for me.”
Theo didn’t hesitate. “Okay. Anything.”
“I need you to tell me I’m not fat and ugly.”
“Um. Okay.” Theo was confused as hell.
“Look, I know that you don’t think I have any real problems, but I do. When push comes to shove, I can be the most self-destructive person you’ve ever seen. Right now, I’m half a second away from burning everything down that I have worked so hard to overcome because I’m feeling really fat and really ugly. So if even a small part of you thinks that I’m not fat and ugly, please tell me so before I lose myself again.”
Theo closed the distance between them and gathered Ezra in his arms. He pressed his lips to Ezra’s forehead. “You are the most beautiful man I have ever set eyes on, and if I hadn’t—stupidly—fallen in love with your brother, you would be filing a restraining order against me right now.”
A watery-sounding laugh burbled from Ezra. He clung tighter to Theo. “Why am I so dumb?”
Theo blew out a breath that sounded ragged, even to his ears. “I think you’re brilliant.”
Ezra dropped his chin and pressed his face to Theo’s shoulder. Hot tears seeped through Theo’s shirt. Ezra sniffed, sounding broken. “Thank you for not asking me what happened.”
“You’d tell me if you felt like talking about it.”
Ezra cried harder, ripping out Theo’s heart. The open heartache he showed couldn’t be faked. It was raw. Theo swore he could feel Ezra’s heart breaking.
“Give me your keys, sweetie. I’ll drive us home.”
With a nod, Ezra dug his keys from his pocket and passed them Theo’s way. Theo drew a steady breath as Ezra circled the car and climbed inside on the passenger side. He would take Ezra home and put him to bed, then maybe he would raid Ezra’s liquor cabinet and get blind drunk. That was the only way to deal with such a bullshit-filled world where no one was treated like they deserved. Maybe Jessie had been right all along. Oblivion was the key to survival. This ugly world could suck his dick.
Nine
Jessie couldn’t recall the last time he felt truly nervous, but he did now. Theo hadn’t been to see him the entire time he was in rehab. Ezra had kept him updated with pictures he snapped of Theo on the sly. From what he understood, Theo still lived with Ezra and was doing great. He had a job and was saving money. Jessie couldn’t wait to see him again. He wanted to see how much better Theo was for himself. While Jessie had been somewhat grateful for Theo not seeing him while Jessie had been suffering the worst withdrawals of his life, it was Christmas now. Jessie was home. Ezra would be here any minute. There was no way Theo could avoid Jessie tonight.
By the time Jessie heard Ezra coming through the door, Jessie was swiping his sweaty palms on his thighs and was a half a second away from pacing. He swore his eyes itched with desperation to see Theo. Jessie flew to his feet the moment Ezra came into view. His heart fell when Ezra closed the door behind him. He was alone.
Jessie’s throat swelled, but he still forced a smile to his lips. He crossed the room to relieve Ezra of his armful of presents and hug him. “There’s my baby brother.”
A bright smile lit Ezra’s face. His eyes looked dull, though, making Jessie wonder exactly how long Ezra had been miserable and hiding it. “I’m so, so happy to see you. You look amazing.” Ezra hugged him again with more strength than Jessie thought him capable of doing.
“You do too. Where’s Theo?” Jessie couldn’t hold the question inside. It burst from him, sounding every bit as desperate as he was.
Ezra didn’t quite meet his gaze. “He had to work, but he sent a gift and asked me to tell you how proud he is of you.”
Jessie waved off the words. “He’s working? On Christmas night?”
Ezra peeled off his jacket. “You know how Wrecker is about holidays. He built The Back Porch for people to have a family of their choosing. It’s a place for the displaced. That means being open on Christmas. Since Theo doesn’t have any family, he volunteered to work tonight.”
“Didn’t he know I was coming home today?”
Ezra’s smile looked a tad brittle. “Of course he did. Who do you think put up the Christmas tree? Theo came by last night, put up the tree, and made sure someone had stocked the fridge with your favorite foods.”
Despite his best efforts to find some hope in Ezra’s words, Jessie’s heart sank. He had been telling himself the past four months that he would fix things with Theo once he was sober. It didn’t sound like Theo had any desire to let Jessie make things right.
Ezra grabbed one of the gifts he brought and handed it to Jessie. “You need this. Don’t be sad. Open his gift. I want to see your face.”
Honestly, Jessie had wanted to open Theo’s present alone. He had to admit he was excited, though. People didn’t buy him gifts usually. He was the one who supported everyone else. Jessie didn’t mind. He loved taking care of people, but this was incredibly sweet. It had been immaculately wrapped, as if Theo had taken great care to make it perfect. Jessie realized Ezra was right. He needed this. Jessie pried open the tape and slipped open the box. Inside was a shadow box filled with memories of them. There was a paper copy of Theo’s driver’s license. Receipts he had obviously snagged from restaurants after Jessie paid for dinner. A chuckle escaped Jessie as he spotted a happy-face sticker he had given Theo after seeing the doctor. He couldn’t believe Theo had kept all these little mementos of their time together. There was even a gum wrapper that Jessie made into a flower for Theo. Jessie could barely breathe. He wanted to be with Theo so badly, it felt like withdrawals.
Ezra smiled and patted his knee. He stood and put his jacket back on. “Go. This is just another day, but you shouldn’t spend another one without him. We can open gifts together anytime.”
Jessie sniffed. Between Theo’s gift and having such an amazing brother, Jessie was moved. A chuckle slipped from him. “You just want to run away before you’re forced to face the consequences for bringing another dog into my house while I was gone.”
“Yep. That’s why I’m running,” Ezra said with a bright smile. He gave Jessie another hug. “I really am so very, very proud of you and I want to spend some real time together soon. So go get your man. You both love each other too much to be stupid.”
Jessie saluted him. “Yes, sir.” As silly as he was being, it was all an act. The moment Ezra was gone, Jessie flew into action. His desperation was on full display and he shoved his feet in the first pair of shoes he could find. Once he had his shit together, he grabbed the gift he bought for Theo and headed out. Jessie mentally hit the ground running. He had to get his man.
The Christmas crowd wasn’t thick at The Back Porch. Still, just like on Thanksgiving, Theo could see why Wrecker wanted to keep the place open. The people who trickled in were obviously searching for a way not to be alone. Even if they rarely spoke to each other, those who wandered in gravitated toward the other patrons, seeking human interaction. Theo fit in perfectly.
“Theo? Theodor Harlow?”
At the sound of his name, Theo’s head shot up from wiping down the counter. A familiar set of light brown eyes were focused on Theo, waiting for his attention. An unexpected wave of rage washed over Theo. He couldn’t believe William stood there, saying Theo’s full name—like he hadn’t lured Theo to L.A. and then ignored his pleas for a place to stay.
“William.” Theo didn’t know what else to say. Even he heard the hatred in his voice.
Either William didn’t hear it or he chose to ignore Theo’s animosity, because his smile was bright. “Oh my god. I c
an’t believe you made it here. How long have you been here?”
Theo held on to his temper by a thread. “Since the day you told me to meet you at the bus stop on Main and never showed.”
William’s smile faltered. “Honestly, I didn’t think you’d find a way there, and I couldn’t take off work on the small chance you might show.”
As much as Theo wanted to scream that he had called every day on the long walk to L.A. and kept calling until his phone no longer worked when he got here, it wasn’t worth it. William wasn’t worth the time and effort anymore. “What can I...” The words died in Theo’s throat as the door opened and Jessie stepped inside.
“Holy shit. That’s Jessie Thunder.”
William’s words barely penetrated Theo’s shock. Jessie looked ten steps beyond beautiful. Theo hadn’t been prepared.
“Hello, gorgeous baby.”
At Jessie’s greeting, Theo was forced to cling to the counter like it was his sanity. “Hey.”
Jessie cast a quick look around before his whiskey gaze landed on Theo again, weakening his knees. “May I talk to you alone?”
“You have to be fucking kidding me. You know Jessie Thunder?”
Theo and Jessie both ignored William’s exclamation and question. Their eyes never wavered from staring at each other.
“Ezra told me never to let anyone talk to me alone here.”
Jessie’s forehead furrowed. “Even me?”
Theo fought the urge to laugh hysterically... or cry. “Probably especially you.”
Jessie rolled his eyes. He motioned toward the end of the counter where they would be out of earshot. “At least move down here so I can give you your Christmas gift in private.”
“You got me a gift?”
Jessie blinked as if taken aback by Theo’s question. “Of course I did.”
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