I call Kaylah to see if she can talk sense into Christian but that doesn’t work.
I can’t believe after all our time, all his hard work over the year, he’s going to throw it all away for some loser.
On the day of the court case, the loser finally comes through. He waits right to the last moment to say that Christian should tell the truth about the knife.
Christian comes out of court and says the magic words we’ve been reciting all week: ‘Suspended sentence’.
It’s the best news ever. Christian gets to continue dancing and I get to keep my best friend.
That’s right, I actually have a male best friend. We even have our own handshake. It’s sort of stupid, like a fake high five, but we don’t care.
From now on it’s Christian and me: no court cases, no girl worries, just learning to do backflips and arguing over the name of the band we’re going to start. Christian reckons it should be called Free Beer.
‘Imagine the poster,’ he says. ‘Guaranteed crowd-puller.’
The weeks fly past. Summer hits in that blissful Sydney way. The days are hot, the nights are warm and it feels like life has always been perfect.
I’ve got everything I came to Dance Academy for. I’m dancing well, keeping up with my studies and I’ve got a mate that I love hanging out with. I have a brainwave. Christian should spend the summer holiday with me at my parents’.
‘We could rehearse for our band in the garage,’ I tell him.
‘I could teach you to surf,’ he says.
‘It’ll be off the hook.’
‘Do you think your olds would really go for it?’
I won’t give them a choice.
CHAPTER 11
You can have too much of a good thing. The summer weather that geared up so perfectly has gone into overdrive. The heat is intense. The air-con at the Academy can’t fight it and throws in the towel. Classes are almost unbearable: sweat pours off us, clothes are soaking, even the floor gets too slippery to dance on. Patrick resorts to taking dance classes in the pool. He thinks the water will help with our placement. We don’t care, we’re just grateful. It’s cool, wet and a lot more fun.
In between classes, every spare moment we get we spend at the pool.
Kat’s floating on a lilo. She’s wearing a big floppy hat and massive sunnies that make her look like a movie star.
‘Christian’s getting us some drinks,’ I say.
‘Two of you are very chummy these days. Do I have cause for jealousy?’
‘Possibly. We made a pact of brotherhood.’ It’s true. We’ve sworn off girls. No more break-ups. No more jumping when one of them snaps their fingers. ‘From now on we’re an island of man.’
Kat puts her hand to her heart. ‘You have a guy friend. It’s what you’ve always wanted.’
She is so right.
Summer, intense heat and hours by the pool also mean the end of our first year at the Academy. And that means the school production of The Nutcracker at the Opera House. Kat swears she hates The Nutcracker. Her mother danced it in her first year at the Academy and for the next fifteen years after that.
‘It just reminds me of stolen Christmases. Natasha dancing, Dad directing. Ethan and I stuck in a hotel room.’
Her memories are about to be relived. Sebastian, Kat’s father, is directing the production with Ethan as assistant director. We all have to audition for roles.
I’m looking forward to auditions. It’s an amazing opportunity for us to get a taste of life as professional dancers. My nerves are under control. I’m even coping with the intense heat. Everything’s going great until the night before auditions. I have the dream I always have: there’s a big exam, the biggest of my life, and I’m sitting there with the exam booklet. I open it up and realise I can’t answer a single question. All the time I’ve been studying the wrong subject.
I wake up and try to shake my dream off. It’s 2 am and it must be almost thirty degrees outside.
Before I got to the Academy I had this list of whys.
Why do I get anxious if I don’t know where the nearest toilet is?
Why do I have three hairs on my chest and eighteen on my big toe?
Why do I like taking those IQ tests on the internet?
I look over at Christian – his sheet’s pulled right down to his waist. He’s fast asleep, untroubled by dreams. Now I’m asking why have I never been this happy before?
Kat thinks I have a man crush on him. ‘I’ve had girl crushes before,’ she says. ‘It doesn’t have to mean anything.’
But I am so not going there.
At the auditions all I can do is throw my confusion into my dancing. I’m hoping somehow, by giving myself over completely to the movement, suddenly everything will become clear: calm and happiness will be restored. That doesn’t happen but the audition goes okay.
Tara turns up late for her audition, stumbles once, but is great. She’s a natural. Abigail is perfect but clinical. You can tell she’s rehearsed furiously. Christian’s audition is fantastic. I watch him through the window. With the court case behind him, he’s amazing. He moves so well, positions himself with such precision. I catch myself smiling as he finishes.
Kat stages a walk-out – in front of her brother and father. It’s the ultimate act of defiance. She’s not just walking out on this production, she could end up being pushed out of the Academy altogether.
If Christian had come out of his audition and done our stupid fake high-five thing, I think I would have coped. My list of whys would have stayed the same. But he comes out so pumped and excited that he puts his arms around me and hugs me.
Why did the world stand still when he did that?
Now there’s this whole list of whys that never crossed my mind before and I can’t say them out loud because once I let them out, there’s no going back.
‘Christian’s never going to speak to me,’ I say to Kat as we cool off down at the pool later.
‘Why?’
‘Because you were right.’
‘A man crush isn’t the end of the world.’
‘What if it’s more than that?’ I explain to her that going out with Abigail wasn’t nothing. It was real.
‘Of course it was.’
‘Things have just been intense since the court sentencing and …’ I can’t say it. ‘Being in close proximity to someone, it’s textbook that stuff gets confused and … ’
‘… and maybe you just like him,’ she says looking right at me.
Why does she have to cut to the chase right when I’m clinging onto the evasion?
We’re saved by Tara and Christian coming over with the audition results. Tara’s been cast as Clara, the main role. Abigail is her understudy. Christian’s dancing the Mouse King. It’s a great role. I’ve got Soldier Number Two and Boy at the Party. That’s good – two roles.
Then Christian and I do our fake high-five thing, but I’m the one feeling fake.
Christian gives me these papers from his parole officer that my parents have to sign to say it’s okay that he comes to stay with us. The long summer together on the island of man, learning to surf, rehearsing our band, the summer that was going to be so perfect now fills me with dread. There is nothing I’d like more than to spend every waking moment with Christian but not like this. Not with Christian and this list of whys.
I’m even hoping my dad refuses to sign the form but when I go home for Shabbat, just when I need him to be all conservative and refuse to have a convicted criminal in the house, he shows his caring side. When I get back to the boarding house, I know it’s wrong but I hide the form in one of my drawers. I’ll deal with it later. I’ll deal with everything later.
Rehearsals are a nightmare. I can’t let Christian get close or he might sense something in me. It’s Act One, Christian is the Mouse King and I’m a soldier. I’m supposed to lift him but I just step away.
Patrick stops the music, wondering what’s going on.
‘I thought it’d be m
ore dramatic, to put some distance between us.’
Christian gives me a look. I’m weirding him out but until these … I’m not using the word ‘feelings’ … go I can’t.
‘Let’s stay with the director’s choreography,’ Patrick tells me.
After class I sprint out, get changed and leave before Christian can speak to me. I think I’ve done a good job of avoiding him when I see him skating along the wharf. I try and duck out of his sight but fail.
‘I can see you. You’re not invisible.’
‘Oh, hey!’
‘Oh hey? You’re avoiding me!’
‘No I’m not!’ I say, a bit too quickly.
‘I get why, it’s fine.’
My heart explodes, or stops, or vanishes, or does three hundred beats in a second – I can’t tell which. He knows.
‘Your parents won’t sign the forms,’ Christian says. ‘They’re respectable people. They shouldn’t have to take on responsibility for a convicted criminal.’
‘You’re right. I’m really sorry.’ I am a coward.
‘Not your fault. You tried.’
I am a coward and a bad friend.
‘I’m used to it,’ he says.
I am a coward, a bad friend and a horrible human being.
Kat isn’t impressed when I tell her.
‘That is low.’
‘I need space, okay. Just a little time away from him so I can get my head back to normal.’
‘Your best friend is going to rot in the boarding house all summer because you can’t talk about your feelings?’
‘What do you want me to do? Get a T-shirt with “Samuel Lieberman – Gay Boy – Have you met my roommate?”’
‘You said the G word.’
‘I can’t pretend it’s just a man crush.’
‘I think it’s a bit early to start worrying about whether you are or you aren’t. Let’s just deal with the problem at hand. Christian. He’s done nothing wrong and it’s not fair to let him think he has.’
I need time to think. How can I possibly talk to Christian about this? I go for a walk along the harbour, hoping some magic fish is going to miraculously leap out of the water, kiss me on the lips and make me forget all about my feelings for Christian.
It doesn’t. The magic fish all stay in the water, knowing my problem is far greater than any of their powers. I walk right along the foreshore and through the Botanical Gardens. The sun, which was so welcome before, is now burning down on my sensitive skin.
Just as confusion is reigning supreme in my mind I see Abigail sitting on a bench. She looks almost as miserable as me. Seeing her reminds me how simple life used to be. Perhaps if I had never broken up with her. Perhaps if I hadn’t worried about it not ‘feeling right’ after the formal. I try to hurry by before she spots me, but I’m too late. She gives me a half-hearted smile.
‘Hi,’ I say and try to move on.
‘Do you think I’m empty?’ she asks suddenly, making me stop. She’s had a tough rehearsal and Ethan was pretty harsh about her dancing, including saying it was ‘empty’.
‘Never.’
‘Then why did you break up with me? I’m fine with it, I’m just curious.’
I sit down beside her. ‘I didn’t. You dumped me.’
‘No, Sammy. I said the words, but you were the one that pulled away.’
‘I don’t know. I guess it stopped feeling right.’
Abigail bursts into tears. She didn’t deserve the way we broke up. I feel like an emotional bulldozer right now – crushing everyone in my path.
‘I’m sorry … It’s just … Don’t cry.’
I wipe her tears away and remember the lovely vulnerable Abigail I was obsessed with. Suddenly I kiss her and she kisses me back. There’s something familiar and comforting about her lips. I close my eyes trying to feel what I used to feel but slowly, without me even realising it, in my mind I’m kissing Christian. I leap back.
‘What?’
‘Sorry I have to go.’
I can’t avoid the truth any longer, I have to find Christian.
I make my way back to the boarding house. As I walk into our room, Christian’s on his bed working on his laptop. On my pillow are the parole papers. He knows I lied.
‘I can explain.’
He shrugs. ‘Don’t worry about it.’
‘I just want a break, you know. We’ve been living in each other’s pockets all year.’
‘And yet I’m not good enough to live in your house.’
‘That’s not what it is.’
‘Okay, what is it?’ he asks.
I can hear my voice, but it’s babbling and it’s not even making sense to me, so how is Christian going to understand? He doesn’t. He gets up to walk out.
‘I think I like you,’ I blurt out.
The world stops for a second. Christian turns and stares at me, waiting for a punchline that doesn’t come.
‘No, that’s not true.’ I have to be completely honest. ‘I know I like you.’ I’ve said it, but I don’t feel any better.
Christian simply walks out.
Game over.
I stay the night in Kat’s room. She doesn’t ask why. She just holds me as I lie there.
Next morning I get up early and go out to avoid seeing Christian. I figure if I go down by the harbour pool I’ll be safe there. He’ll probably head down to the swimming pool with everyone else.
I sit on the side of the wooden jetty going out into the harbour, looking at the water below. For a second I remember jumping into the sea with Christian and how great that felt, how easy it was being friends and how I’ve ruined it all. I finally get a male friend and this is what I do.
This pain was not part of any plan. Not mine, certainly not Dad’s. I pushed his plan away from the wharf when he tried to make me leave the Academy and it’s drifted further and further out to sea. Now it’s so far I couldn’t swim after it even if I wanted to.
I have no plan. I have nothing but a tortured knot of confusion.
I don’t even have a plan to avoid Christian any more. He’s walking along the jetty towards me.
‘What is wrong with you?’
He’s angry and I don’t blame him.
‘I don’t know. I didn’t want this to happen. It came out of nowhere.’
‘No, I mean why didn’t you trust me?’ His voice is different now. It’s not angry, it’s hurt. ‘I robbed a servo, Sammy. That’s something to be ashamed of every day. How you’re feeling isn’t.’
‘It’s not just whether I’m … or not. It’s about you. And if we’re mates I can’t … I don’t know how to be around you so, so I think I should move out.’
‘I’ve lived with you all year.’
‘No one would probably notice if I moved in with Kat for a bit.’
Christian sits down next to me. ‘Every person in my life has kicked me out or left me. And now you’re trying to do the same. What do you want me to say, Sammy? What do you want me to do?’
‘I don’t know.’
He grabs my shoulders and makes me look him in the eyes.
I’m crying but he doesn’t care. He just keeps looking at me, as he puts his arms around me.
For a second he holds me and the world stops again.
And then he pulls us both into the water. Fully clothed.
As we surface he’s still holding onto my shirt, keeping my head above the water.
‘You’re not going to ditch me because you’re confused. Right?’
‘Okay.’
CHAPTER 12
First year at the Dance Academy is over. Academic exams have been sat, dance exams danced, papers submitted, work assessed and marks assigned. Now all that lies ahead is the performance of our lives. Rehearsals for The Nutcracker have moved to the Sydney Opera House. I can’t believe we’re actually going to perform on one of the most famous stages in the world.
Backstage, Tara and Abigail are sharing a room that has a star on the door. Sebastian is not deciding
until after the final dress rehearsal which one of them will get to dance Clara on the night. When Tara gets it right, she is magical, it’s just that she’s never made it through Act Two without a stumble. Abigail would be a safer option. She gets all the steps right but she doesn’t dance with the same level of emotion.
Christian and I don’t have a star on our door. We’re in the men’s corps de ballet dressing room. He’s already there when I arrive for the first rehearsal. My phone rings. It’s Dad so I let it go to voicemail and listen to the message. He’s learned that our results are out tomorrow and he wants to discuss my five-year plan. Or his five-year plan to be more precise.
There are a few older boys in the changing room.
Christian looks around at them. ‘This could be a chance to get to know some guys in different years,’ he says in a low voice.
‘Uh-huh. Why?’
‘I don’t know. You could work out if you’re … or not.’
Right on cue one of the guys peels off his shirt. He’s in great shape with a serious six-pack happening.
‘He’s fit,’ Christian says helpfully.
‘Mate,’ I say, focusing on my shoes.
‘Too soon?’
‘Just a bit.’
Six-packs are not top of my mind at the moment, but I appreciate the effort.
I may have come to some sort of peace with one of the men in my life, but the other one, the one with the chequebook and parental authority, is a different matter. The next day I’m having a one-on-one with Miss Raine in the dance studio. She’s got my results and she’s dragging out the agony.
‘Distinction. High Distinction. Distinction. You’re in the top percentile of every subject,’ she says.
‘I know I place well academically but what about my dance exams?’ I ask. They’re what I’m really nervous about.
‘They were your dance exams, Sammy. You should be proud how far you’ve come this year.’
I can’t believe it. My work actually paid off. I am a good dance student. I’m a really good dance student.
The joy doesn’t last long.
‘Which is why I was so disappointed to get this email from your father.’
Sammy Page 6