“And while the Club was originally a nondating club, it has become something much more: a community of amazing women who support each other. We have study groups, we help out with fund-raisers, and we’re even considering doing a scholarship. While, yes, members can now date if the guy or girl is worth it, we have always been about, and will continue to be about, being there for each other. The Lonely Hearts Club has already surpassed any expectations I could’ve ever had. If this can grow beyond McKinley High, then … then I think that would be awesome.
“So, ah, we’re going to hand out the rules that we made, although your clubs can make your own. And a few other members are going to talk a little about the Club and the things that we do.”
I quickly passed the mic to Teresa so she, Kara, and Jen could take over. Out of the spotlight, I breathed a sigh of relief.
After the three of them went through the rules and answered some questions, we turned the music back on.
As soon as Kelly Clarkson was blaring, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
“Penny Lane.” Mom looked concerned. “I need to speak with you. Alone.”
“What’s wrong?” I glanced around, expecting to see a fire or a riot, by the look on her face.
“I think we need to talk about Nate.”
Holy crap.
She’d heard everything.
I BEGAN PACING THE SMALL KITCHEN in the rec center as Mom closed the door. I hadn’t realized she was there during the speeches. I hadn’t seen her. Now she knew I’d been planning to lose my virginity to Nate. Which seemed so insignificant compared to the life I was about to lose.
She silently studied me for a few seconds before talking in an even voice. “I want you to explain what happened.”
“I think you heard what happened,” I said in an accusatory tone. “I didn’t know you were listening.”
She looked guilty. “We all agreed to go to the back, but I wanted to hear the speeches, so I snuck away from your father. I certainly wasn’t expecting to hear that. Why didn’t you tell me? Your father is going to lose his mind.”
A laugh escaped my throat. Dad was the last person in my family who’d ever “lose his mind.” But then again, his best friend’s son had cruelly played his baby girl.
“I was embarrassed,” I confessed. “And hurt and foolish. I didn’t want you to know what I was going to do. How desperate I was being. I thought I would disappoint you.”
Mom pursed her lips. “Well, I can’t say I’m proud of that behavior, Penny Lane. But what you did does not in any way compare to what he did.” Then a realization came. “You had to see him at Thanksgiving. And he’s invited to Lucy’s wedding!”
“I dealt with him on Thanksgiving. He’s aware that he needs to stay away from me. I don’t want this to ruin Dad’s relationship with Mr. Taylor. Do you have to tell him?”
She paused a second. “I’ll think about it. I don’t know how we can uninvite Nate to the wedding at the last minute, but I can’t believe he acted with such disregard for you and your feelings. I thought he was such a nice boy.”
Yeah, so did I.
There was a knock on the door. Diane stuck her head in. “There you are. A few of the girls from other towns want to talk to you.”
“Thanks, I’ll be right out.”
After Diane closed the door, Mom finally looked me in the eye. “I’m not sure how to handle this — it’s a lot to process.”
“I know,” I said. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way.”
Mom placed her hand gently on my face. “Well, I’m sorry this happened to you. And that you felt you couldn’t come to me. But I guess you had plenty of people you could confide in. I’ve always liked the Club, but I don’t think it’s until now that I understand how much you really needed it.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I gestured toward the door. “I should go. Do you want to join us?”
Mom shook her head. “I need a few more minutes.”
“I understand.”
I did. I had months to process what had happened. I left her to her thoughts as I continued to process the only way I knew how — surrounded by supportive friends and, now, supportive strangers.
There was part of me that felt uneasy that Mom knew the whole story.
But there was a growing part that felt relief that she finally knew the truth.
“To the Club!” The group held up our drinks on Sunday morning at Amy’s house.
We were all in sweatpants, hair up, and exhausted from yesterday’s preparation, party, and cleanup. Everybody was in good spirits over how well the night had gone. The number of new friends we’d made was apparent from the constant buzzing of phones with friend requests, texts, and messages.
Meg started working on a map of the areas in Illinois, Wisconsin, and Indiana where people had come from, putting dots up to represent all the new clubs.
“I’ll start working on an American and world map, too, because we’ll obviously need it,” she said as she showed us the eleven dots on her map already.
“So crazy,” I said as I took another bagel and sank back down on the couch. While I was emotionally and physically exhausted, I was also grateful to have an excuse to go somewhere this morning so I wouldn’t have to deal with Mom, who was still anguished about what to do with what she now knew. I was sure I was only putting off the inevitable, but I preferred to do that as long as humanly possible.
I looked at the clock, trying to figure out when I’d need to leave to make myself presentable for my date with Ryan.
My eyes were getting heavy by the time a movie was put on. I placed my head against a pillow and rested my eyes. I was going to close them only for a few minutes. Then I would leave and prepare for my date with Ryan.
Yes, that was the plan.
Just a few minutes.
I was startled awake by Diane’s voice. “Penny, wake up!”
My eyes opened groggily. “What’s going on?” I asked.
She held out her phone. “Ryan called me, worried about where you were.”
“Where I —” I glanced over at the clock. I had slept for over two hours, and from the confused members aroused from sleep, I wasn’t the only one who’d crashed. “Crap.”
“I told him we all passed out and that you’d call him right away.” Diane looked worried.
I reached for my phone, which I’d left on the counter. There were four texts and two missed calls. The texts showed the deterioration of Ryan’s tolerance.
Hope brunch is going well. Can’t wait to have you all to myself. :)
You said 3 right? Or do you need more time?
Everything OK? I’m getting worried.
Why aren’t you picking up?
I waved good-bye to the group as I called Ryan, shoving my feet into my fleece boots.
“Hey,” he said in a short tone I hadn’t heard since our pre-couple cold front last semester.
“I’m so sorry. I over-napped. I’ll be right over,” I explained as I grabbed the keys to my mom’s car. Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror — my hair was in a messy ponytail with flyaway hair everywhere and my right cheek had an imprint from the couch on it. I was wearing baggy sweats and no bra. “Actually, do you mind if I run home first and change? I don’t think you want to see me like this. I’ll be a half hour, I swear.”
“Well, I guess if it doesn’t interfere with your plans.” His voice was too controlled. It was clear he was losing his patience with me. And it was completely warranted.
“My plans?” I said before I realized what he meant. I was supposed to come up with something fabulous. And I hadn’t done a single thing. “Yes, of course, my plans. No, no … it’ll be fine. I’m really sorry. I’d better run so I don’t keep you waiting any longer.”
I did my best to not break too many traffic laws on my way back home. I burst through our front door and took the steps two at a time. If there was a record for showering, changing, and getting ready — I certainly didn’t break it. The thirty
minutes that I’d promised Ryan quickly turned into forty-five when I couldn’t figure out what to wear since I really didn’t know what we were going to do. After settling on dark jeans, a charcoal gray ruched top, and black knee-high boots, I ran back downstairs. I yelled something to my parents about running late but stopped when I saw I only had thirteen dollars in my wallet.
“Dad.” I ran into the living room. He looked up from his book. “I’m really sorry, I messed things up, I’m running late, and I don’t have enough money. Can I borrow forty dollars, please? You can take it out of my next paycheck.”
Thankfully, Dad didn’t ask any questions and handed over the money. Now I only had to figure out what to do with it.
I pulled up to Ryan’s house an hour after I’d promised him he’d see me in thirty minutes. He was out of the door before I even had a chance to pull into the driveway.
“Hey!” I said as cheerfully as possible when he got into the car. I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I’d planned on kissing him on the lips, but he refused to face me. “I’m so, so, so sorry. This is all my fault, I was really tired from last night, I completely passed out, and my phone was on vibrate — it’s like a Greek tragedy!”
His eyes continued to look forward. “What’s your big surprise?”
“Yes, well …” There was no more stalling. I was a seventeen-year-old girl with limited funds, and there really wasn’t much I could do to top Ryan’s birthday lunch. “I was thinking that we could go … bowling and … then get dinner.”
Lame.
“How long have you been planning that?” Ryan’s clear hurt and frustration were starting to freak me out.
“Look, I’m really —”
He cut me off. “Sorry. Yes, you’ve mentioned that. You know, Penny, I wasn’t expecting a private concert or anything. Actually, we could’ve just gone to the mall. But the fact that you’ve put zero thought into it really hurts.”
“You’re right,” I conceded. “But it’s really hard to top what you did. I mean, how do you out-wonderful Ryan Bauer?”
I meant it as a compliment, but Ryan didn’t see it that way.
“Are you kidding me? It’s not a competition. I did what I did because I wanted to do something nice for you. Because I care about you.”
“Then why the hell do you always have to go running to Diane?” I was startled at that coming out of my mouth. While it was slightly annoying that they talked about our relationship, that Diane was the first person he called when I didn’t pick up my phone, I didn’t realize how much it truly bothered me until now. “I’m sorry I’m not the perfect girlfriend that she was.”
Ryan looked shocked. “I’m so sorry that I was concerned about my girlfriend who I hadn’t heard from all morning even after I repeatedly texted and called. At least Diane picks up her phone.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, the only noise coming from the running engine of the car.
Ryan mercifully broke the silence. “You know, Penny, I try. I really do. I try to be okay when you book yourself far in advance to do things with the Club. I try to not get offended that you’re happier when you’re with your friends than with me. I try to not notice how uncomfortable you are when I touch you in public. I try to understand that you’ve been very busy with everything and maybe haven’t had a lot of time to think of anything. And truthfully, bowling and dinner sounds great. But it was very clear that you figured that out the second those words came out of your mouth. It really sucks to always feel like an afterthought.” He reached for the car door handle.
“Ryan, please don’t.” I put my hand on his shoulder, willing him not to leave.
My mind raced at what I could say or do to reverse everything he had said. But I couldn’t shake the fact that he was right. He had understood all my Club craziness. He had helped pull off last night.
And what had I done to show my appreciation?
Absolutely nothing.
“Let me make it up to you now,” I said, desperation seeping into my voice. “We can go to the arcade. I’ll get a ton of quarters. Or we can see some movie or watch a sports game. Whatever you want.”
He opened the car door. “Forget about it. Let’s call this day a wash and I’ll see you in school tomorrow.” He got out of the car.
“Ryan, I am truly very —” He slammed the car door shut.
I sat in the car a little while longer, stunned over how much I’d screwed things up. I knew I had to get out of his driveway before the cops were called. I started driving around aimlessly, not ready to go home and deal with my parents, who’d certainly know something was going on.
I turned onto Tracy’s street. I tried to steady my breath as I slowly made my way up to her front door.
Her brother, Mike, answered the door. “Hey, Penny, what’s up?” He turned his back to me. “Tracy! Penny’s here!”
Tracy emerged from her bedroom upstairs. “What are you doing here? What happened with Ryan?”
I decided to stop pretending that I could handle it all. Because it was clear that I couldn’t. I let everything go.
The pressure of being the leader of The Lonely Hearts Club.
My inability to balance having a relationship with the one guy who was worth it.
There, in Tracy’s foyer, I collapsed on the floor in tears.
I SHOULD’VE ASKED FOR THE ABILITY to turn back time for my birthday.
Ryan didn’t return any of my texts on Sunday night. He didn’t answer his phone when I called. And as I walked to our lockers that Monday morning, I dreaded the welcome I would receive.
“Do you want me to go with you?” Tracy asked when we reached the section of the hallway where she had to turn toward her locker.
“No, I’ll be fine.” Which we both knew was a lie.
I had mixed feelings of relief and anxiety when I saw that Ryan was at his locker, putting his coat away.
“Hey …” I said cautiously. “How are things?”
He closed his locker. “Fine. I’ve got to go talk to Ms. Cowan.” He turned to walk away.
“Look, Ryan.” I stepped around in front of him. “I know I screwed up. Really. I don’t know how many times you want me to apologize, but I’ll stay here all day if that’s what it’ll take.”
“I need some time,” he said before sidestepping me and continuing down the hallway.
I walked to my first class in a haze. I heard my name being called out, but I couldn’t focus.
“Penny!” Diane nudged me lightly. “You look like you’re in a different world.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I snapped at her.
“Um, okay.”
“Although maybe I should ask you since he tells you everything.”
She furrowed her brow. “What are you talking about? Is everything all right?”
I stopped cold and studied her. “Do you seriously not know?”
She shook her head. “Know what? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I think Ryan and I are breaking up.” I didn’t want to admit it, it hurt to even say it, but that was the only outcome I could imagine from what had happened.
“What? What happened yesterday? He couldn’t be that upset because you were late.”
“No …” I admitted. “It was that I was late, and hadn’t planned anything, and keep putting him second to everything else in my life. I don’t blame him for being upset with me. I can’t be the girlfriend that you were.”
“You know better than to compare yourself to others.”
“Clearly.” I gestured at Diane’s perfect hair, body, and clothes.
“That’s not what I meant. Comparing yourself to others will only drive you insane. You know that I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend. I was needy. I’d freak out if I didn’t hear from him every morning, afternoon, and evening. Give him some time to cool down.” Diane linked her elbow with mine. “You know he’s crazy about you. It’ll all blow over before you know it.”
Dian
e was one of the smartest people in our class. She was used to being right about pretty much everything. Usually, I would trust her opinion.
But I’d been there. I’d seen how upset he was. I knew what I did (or, more accurately, what I didn’t do). I didn’t think this was going to blow over.
There are certain things in high school that you get used to seeing on a daily basis: your locker, the front office, the bathrooms, the teacher with the bad comb-over, the trophy cases that line the hallway.
So when I walked into the cafeteria, I immediately knew something was off. Something had shifted.
And then I spotted it.
Ryan wasn’t sitting with Todd and his other friends at their table. He was with Bruce at a smaller table in the corner.
“What’s going on?” I asked Tracy as I sat down.
Tracy, always on the forefront of McKinley High gossip, dished. “Ryan went up to the table like usual, although he wisely went to the opposite side from where Todd was. But Todd was all ‘no way man, you made your choice’ and basically evicted him.”
Just add that to the list of horrible things I had done to Ryan. I knew that Todd’s only issue with Ryan was that he was with me. And the fact that Ryan had stood up to Todd on Saturday. For those petty crimes, he’d been exiled from his group of friends.
The entire cafeteria could sense the tension. The room was filled with whispers and curious glances. For his part, Ryan pretended to be really into whatever story Bruce was telling him.
Of course Todd would handle Ryan’s defiance like a spoiled toddler, but I couldn’t believe that the other people, like Ryan’s friends Don and Brian, wouldn’t stand up to Todd.
Why did Ryan have to suffer for my sins? Well, not really my sins, since I’d done nothing wrong.
Maybe Ryan shouldn’t have to be the only one to put Todd in his place. Maybe I needed to remind Todd of what was what. I hadn’t had to do it yet … this week.
“Pen,” Tracy said, “I know that look, and it’s a bad idea.”
“What look?” I asked innocently.
She smirked at me. “Oh, come on. The look that says that you want to go over there and take Todd down a notch.”
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