The masculine vision in front of me was the only answer. A man who’d had his heart destroyed once but risked it again by baring it to me. He was honest and open. He struggled to do right by his son and was raising an amazing kid despite every facet of society giving him different advice.
I tore my eyes from his, trying to wait for a sign. My gaze landed on the bulge in his jeans. Oh, so wrong. Did I do that on purpose? That was not a sign. Not a sign.
A gentle tug on my hand brought me to standing on shaky legs. His arms wrapped around me, creating a sense of protection and belonging I hadn’t known was possible. The signs had never been so clear.
I rocked my hips forward, pressing myself into him. Did he feel anything like the strain, the urgency, the absolute obsession churning low in my belly? I fought back my sinful moan but Eli’s escaped and ripped through my core.
He dropped his head onto mine and his embrace tightened.
The gesture sent shivers through my body. I wanted to be his. I wanted this feeling to be my privilege. An eternal commitment. The church wasn’t totally wrong. I wanted Eli to be my first, and my forever.
He kissed my forehead. “Serenity, I—”
The door burst open and I stumbled from his grasp. Fear and damnation coursed through me as Mrs. Davis’ gray coif appeared. We were slightly to the side of the door’s opening and I couldn’t tell if she’d seen us.
“What are you two doing in here?” The squinted eyes let on she’d already drawn conclusions and wanted to find out if we were liars as well.
I snagged Eli’s papers from the table and thrust them at him. “Revitalization. Working on those recommendations you asked for. Just wrapping up, saying goodbye.”
“With the door closed? Shame on you.”
Eli tried to salvage our situation. “Some of the topics we’re discussing are sensitive. Didn’t want someone to walk past and misunderstand, especially one of the children.”
Mrs. Davis gave Eli an evil glare full of old-school disdain. My heart broke.
I noticed his fists clenching but what could I say.
Eli lifted the papers he’d taken from me and his voice carried a harsh edge, “You asked us to come up with recommendations, we’ll have a list to you soon. I have to run an errand before Carson gets out of Troopers.”
No goodbye, no glance over his shoulder… he was out the door.
Chapter 7
Eli
Bunny’s car had been at the church when I returned to pick up Carson. It was still at the church when I drove past on the way home from eating out. Had I abandoned her by creating the fake errand? Left her to the wolves? I hated that I’d rushed out but didn’t want to come unglued on Mrs. Davis.
With Carson in the car, I couldn’t stop in and risk a scene.
Anyway, would the elders take our recommendations seriously? The fact that Mrs. Davis had hand-picked me to make suggestions had been suspicious from the start. The glare she’d given me solidified how her beliefs had been ingrained over eight decades. Not something easily restructured.
I didn’t really expect them to adopt new policies based on our ideas. My only concern was that Bunny not get hurt.
Would she be pitied for falling prey to an older man? Would anyone be able to see the strength of the connection between us?
And Carson. How would the fallout of our love affect him? He’d already suffered more than a kid should. I glanced at him over my shoulder as I drove home. “Want to play a game when we get home?”
“Old Maid!”
“You think you can beat me this time?” I teased.
“You’re going to be the old lady because I’m going to win.”
***
Playing cards with Carson was fun, renewed my spirit to live in the moment and let chance deal its hand… without major consequences. But as soon as Carson was bathed and in bed, I called Bunny.
No answer.
The next morning, there was no returned call or text.
By the time I got off work Thursday, still no response. Picking up Carson from my parents’ place would give me a reprieve from obsessing over Bunny. Or it should have.
Instead of Carson rushing to me, he was nowhere to be seen. The look in my mother’s eyes was all the hint I was going to receive. She informed me Dad had Carson and would bring him out after we talked. Not good.
“It’s been hard setting my morals aside to help you, but divine guidance is giving me direction. Carson needs us. However, I cannot and will not support you dragging an innocent young woman into his life. Coming back to the church was supposed to help you see the error of your ways, not be a feeding ground.”
I loved my parents dearly and felt thankful for how hard they worked to give me a solid childhood. But I knew the possible options of how this would play out.
Blowing up at my parents had never worked, and I presumed it would fail until the day I died, but hearing my mother put her thoughts into words clarified how deeply she believed I’d done something wrong. And to insinuate I continued to hurt people furthered the agony I’d visited a thousand times.
True to mom’s habit of rarely requiring my side during a discussion, she continued, “The men and women of this church have high moral standards. If you decide to pursue another relationship, it’ll take a special woman, and it should be one who has worldly knowledge, not a young woman who hasn’t even finished college. I trust we won’t have to speak of this again.”
“I hear you loud and clear.” No point arguing. What existed between Bunny and me wasn’t something easily conveyed in a conversation.
Bunny had to have received a similar lecture. Would she feel pressure to live by her parents’ beliefs? Was it right to let her?
Friday and Saturday passed with strained relations between my parents and me, and no interaction with my Bunny. Sunday morning held a vast number of unknowns.
Fuck. Why hadn’t she gotten back to me? Did that indicate her decision had been made? Had all of her questions been out of judgment instead of interest. I’d almost gotten my life back on track. I’d whisk Bunny away in a heartbeat and take care of her. I’d marry her on the spot. But I wasn’t entirely back on my feet, and she didn’t deserve the burden of my past.
Worldly pressures lightened as my brain backed up. Get married? The idea wasn’t fear-invoking. Wasn’t panic-inducing. Didn’t sound alarms or raise red flags. Nothing I’d always assumed would happen if the topic came up again.
The notion was simple and direct. It was right. I didn’t want to date Bunny. I wanted to commit my life to her.
I ran my finger inside my collar, suddenly aware of the tightness. I rolled my shoulders, adjusted my slacks, and took a long look at myself in the mirror. I was ready.
“Daddy, did I get my tie straight?” Carson asked, taking a position beside me at the mirror.
I stood behind him and pretended to study his handiwork of the clip-on tie he’d insisted on learning to do on his own. “Great job. You’re going to have to start doing my tie for me.”
He spun around and played with the end of my tie. “You did a great job, too.”
I rested my hands on his shoulders while he stared at me with trusting eyes. Fatherhood was more infinite than I’d imagined.
Impulsivity and selfish decisions could have devastating effects. Repercussions ran the gamut and there wasn’t a rule book to dictate if a decision was going to have positive or negative impacts. I was on my own. Every decision was ultimately made by me and owned by me, but the burden could be shared by many. And if I made the right choices, so could the joy.
If only there was some way to guarantee the ideas in my heart could be everyone’s reality.
I twirled Carson around, stopping him when he was facing the mirror. “What do you think about Miss Serenity?”
“If she was my mom, I would keep my tie straight for her. And you could kiss her a lot more.”
What? He hadn’t forgotten the kiss. But Serenity being his mom, I hadn’t said
it out loud, had I? No. Not ever. Marriage wasn’t something I tossed around. My eyes fixed on him.
Carson smiled and scooted his tie side to side, settling it down the middle, oblivious to the impact of his innocent words. Were they a godsend or truly godsent?
“I’d keep mine straight too.” If only that was all it took.
Every day without hearing from Bunny, the uncertainty of how my heart could ever be whole again had grown. Had I missed my opportunity?
Worry rammed through my chest. Cell phones broke and got lost. Deep-seated morals were challenged and revisited. Would age gaps and social statuses override the possibility of accepting new ideas? Was I jumping to conclusions? I wasn’t the type of guy who took advantage of an innocent young woman, no matter how unbending I might consider the advice of those around her.
I also couldn’t let go of her without an explanation. If she wanted to end it, I wouldn’t press for more. I’d accept that love wasn’t going to be mine until at least the third time around… if my heart could ever mend. Tears threatened and I coughed them away, wiping the back of my hand across my face.
Adjusting my tie, I questioned how I’d react to seeing her in the choir. And what about afterwards for the luncheon? Was it wise to attend? The thuds of my heart practically rippled my button-up shirt.
She would be at church. Easter service, so her side job was over, no running off immediately following the service. We had to talk.
***
My parents had signed up for some of the extra Easter festivities leaving Carson and me to take our seats alone. Sideways glances from the few people in my generation and direct stares from older generations made it clear Mrs. Davis had informed everyone. I hated that Bunny might have endured the same.
Apprehension gripped me as the choir filed in. I couldn’t keep attending church if she was off limits. How no man had claimed her was beyond me, and I wasn’t going to be able to watch any asshole try. No glances. No handholding. No smiles. She was mine. So much for accepting that she might not want me.
It was also possible I was going to have a heart attack waiting for each choir member to shuffle through the door. I gripped the edge of my wooden seat to keep from rushing down the hallway to the choir room where she was hopefully waiting in line.
Hopefully.
The blonde who stood next to her passed through the doorway and my breath stopped in the split second it took for the next matte white robe to appear. She was looking down, her long brown waves hiding her face.
She took her spot, lifted her head, and her gaze went directly to the pastor.
How strictly had she been cautioned not to look at me? I knew Mrs. Davis meant well, but love didn’t have a one-size-fits-all approach.
I had no one to blame but myself for leaving Bunny alone with her when we were caught.
If there was truly no place left for me in her life, I couldn’t put myself through the weekly torture of seeing her. But Carson had already grown attached. If we quit attending, he’d lose a trusted adult. We’d fallen in love with the same woman, but in very different ways. Exactly what I’d wanted to avoid until I was sure I’d met the one.
But I was sure. The epiphany hit me. I couldn’t see a future without Bunny. She’d brought happiness and hope to my life. She’d brought peace and caring to Carson’s. She was our salvation, my Serenity.
Everything else was optional, although I hoped our love could be accepted. No more hiding. No secrecy. No pretending Bunny and I weren’t supposed to be together. The decision was easy for me, but I didn’t want her to have to make a choice between me and her family, and the church.
I couldn’t walk away without giving love a chance. And I had to be a role model for Carson if I ever wanted to teach him to stand up for what he believed in. This was too big.
He wouldn’t get the full impact of what I was about to do until he was much older. But I had to prove love was worth everything.
“Sit tight, Carson.” I patted his leg.
“Okay,” he said and smiled at me.
I rose as the pastor was opening his mouth to greet the congregation.
The unexpected distraction caught his attention. My sights weren’t on him long enough to see if he was going to stop me. I didn’t care.
My eyes were on the only thing that mattered. Bunny.
The air hung silent enough I was sure everyone could hear my heart pounding as I made my way to the end of the pew. I stopped a foot away from the choir. My palms sweated, knees threatened to give out, and I prayed God would take away my voice if the words I was about to utter were wrong.
All eyes were on me except the most important pair in the room.
I stood, waiting, in silence.
The blonde elbowed her.
Bunny’s head, slightly downturned, shifted toward me, her big brown eyes peering through the strands of hair separating us.
Every movement brought my heart higher in my throat. Would I be able to speak?
I stood my ground. For her.
Countless prayers had to be rising from the congregation. All channels to God would be jammed while our faithful flock asked for intervention. The big question? Would they see our love and pray for it to work? Or would they pray for Serenity to have the strength to wait for someone more classically appropriate?
Bunny’s fingers slowly rose and tucked her hair behind her ear.
My heart melted in the split second her truth shone and a smile teased the edges of her lips.
An equal but opposite crushing weight settled when she forced the smile away. She shouldn’t have to live like that. Self-denial was appropriate when misdeeds were in question, not love.
I dropped to one knee and Bunny’s mouth fell open as the entire congregation gasped in unison. In my peripheral vision, Carson popped around the end of the pew and took a knee next to me. I was about to fucking bust with something. Nerves? Hope? Love? I’d never experienced anything so intense. I would have sworn it was a God moment.
Folding my hands together in front of my chest, I caught a glimpse of Carson doing the same. I turned and winked then refocused on her. “Serenity. I pledge myself to you. Not on a lust-filled whim. Not because anyone or anything dictates I have to. And not without heavy consideration. I can see our lives together. You, me, and Carson. If you haven’t imagined that, I’ll wait for you to be ready. Bunny, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“Bunny?” Carson shrieked and started giggling.
A comforting reaction as opposed to the possible meaning of the gasps behind me.
Almost enough to distract me from the tears streaming down Bunny’s face. In the same second, her smile broke free and Carson lunged at me.
I snaked my arms around him and rose in time for Bunny to crash into the two of us.
“You don’t have to wait. I love you” she whispered.
Hugs and tears and sniffles consumed my world. Someone shoved a tissue into the mix and Bunny pulled away only enough to grasp it then tucked herself against my heart, where she belonged.
Chapter 8
Serenity
To say Eli’s pledge had stunned the congregation was an understatement. And what it did to me was at least ten-fold.
He’d risked everything with his proclamation. Humiliation, his family, even whether his parents would continue to help with Carson.
But most importantly, he’d risked his heart. He’d stood up to the evil glares and gossip circles.
Somehow, we managed to resume the Easter service. Carson joined me in the choir, held my hand, and sang his heart out while Eli positioned himself at the end of the pew closest to me.
When we convened for the luncheon, Carson’s friends wrestled him away, oblivious to the beautiful commitment we’d made.
I excused myself from Eli’s side to sit in the quiet of the library and reflect on my overwhelming emotions. Had I really been given a future with Eli? Had my dream truly come true? It was surreal. Yet, on top of
the amazing gift I’d been given, I longed for more. Despite all of my faith, the words seemed fragile. I yearned for a full commitment. All of the love he’d spoken of.
The church would never allow our marriage without the proper counseling. I couldn’t wait.
Popping my head out of the doorway, I caught Eli’s attention.
With a nod, he was on his way to me. His expression grew more wanton with each step, and by the time he got to the room, his breaths were audible. “We shouldn’t be alone.”
“Then why’d you come?” I dragged him into the room, closed and locked the door, and ran my hands over his chest.
He’d said he would wait. He’d committed in front of God and everyone. He was willing to adhere to the morals I strained to cling to.
I had to be the one to step out of the guidelines and consummate our love. “I want you to make me yours. If we’re meant to be together, will the order of calendar dates and a few words make a difference?”
“If those words are ‘I do’, they’ll make all the difference.” His words worried me.
“To the rest of the world. They don’t change anything for me.”
“They matter, and I promise I’ll say them to you.” He gently ran a hand behind my head and held me close. His lips brushed gently over mine then trailed across my cheek, down my neck, and settled on my shoulder. “Are you certain?”
“When Mrs. Davis said she caught us, my parents threatened to kick me out. The pastor made me promise not to contact you. He told me you’d lose interest. I didn’t believe him, even though I’ve always trusted his guidance. And despite all of that, I couldn’t imagine a future without you.”
“I could never lose interest in you, Bunny.”
“Then don’t make me wait.” The nickname was naughty but I loved it, especially how it slipped from his mouth in his pledge. Eli didn’t judge me. He understood my desire to follow my faith and that being around him muddled my gray area.
“You have to be certain.”
Sin, Salvation, and Serenity Page 4