by Ian Doescher
RANCOR
[ sings:] The fat one now is flat,
He growls within me bow’ls,
And yet I’ll not forget
To source my second course.
LUKE
He turns in my direction, counting on
His next delicious morsel to be ta’en
E’en from my body. Aye, he cometh quick!
This stick shall my protection be—we’ll see
If he hath appetite for wooded grains.
LANDO
[ aside:] Luke now is in its grasp, but cunningly
Hath bought a little time, and put a log
Inside the creature’s mouth. Fight on, good Luke!
LEIA
Well done, dear friend. Anon, make haste and flee!
RANCOR
[ sings:] The one doth quickly run,
I’ll catch him—down the hatch him!
The stick’s a nasty trick—
His head shall be my bread.
LUKE
Now swiftly through the monster’s legs I fly,
For yonder, past the creature, lies a door!
On reaching it, I shall make my escape.
[Luke attempts to open the door.
Alas, but what is this? More bars behind
The door!
C-3PO
—O Master, find another course!
LUKE
’Tis just the beast and I. But look, how he
Doth come toward me through the very gate
Whence first he came. If I could close the gate
On him, he shall be slain. Aye, here’s a rock,
And there’s the panel for the door’s control.
’Tis now or ne’er. I call upon the Force
To guide this rock unto the very spot.
LEIA
His plan hath been reveal’d—O clever Luke!
The rock he throweth straight and hits the mark—
The gate doth fall, the rancor is destroy’d!
O brave escape, O clever, daring Luke!
JABBA
Nuh toota ah! Gungsh Solo nuh Wookiee!
Takootay noota bangass nuh baskah.
CRUMB
My master’s plaything cunningly dispos’d—
If Jabba shall not play, he’ll make them pay.
Enter the RANCOR KEEPER, as Luke is taken back to Jabba’s court.
R. KEEPER
O that this too, too sullied flesh would melt
Into oblivion, if I without
My pet belov’d must live. O darkest world!
O misery beyond compare to me.
Already my beast’s life doth play its part
Within the tend’rest mem’ries of my brain.
How well I do remember when the beast
Was but a rancor pup. It was the runt—
Was almost eaten by its mother cruel—
Indeed, it had but little chance for life.
Yet it was purchas’d as a novelty
By Jawas who e’er seek abnormal things.
I bought it from this band of Jawas, who
Related to me all it had been through
And chargèd me a paltry sum for such
A worthy animal. Then did I raise
It from its lowly start unto the grand
And tow’ring hulk that now before me lies.
How fondly I recall the playful nips
It gave me, which eventually turn’d
To bites that drew no small amount of blood.
I train’d it to be vicious, to enjoy
The taste of flesh and powd’ry crunch of bone.
Yet ever did it know its master true—
And never would it turn its anger fierce
Upon the one who lov’d it first and best.
Was ever rancor in this humor rais’d?
Was ever rancor in this humor won?
To think on it brings pain past all resolve.
O Fate, that ever I should see this day—
Now there’s but little light left in this world,
For its bright sun unjustly is snuff’d out.
I shall away, and drown myself in tears,
Belike to live the sad remainder of
My mortal days upon this planet grave
Unfriended, unprotected, and alone.
[Exit rancor keeper.
Enter HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA , escorted by GUARDS.
LUKE
O Han!
HAN
—’Tis Luke?
LUKE
—How dost thou fare, good friend?
Thou art less cold than when I saw thee last.
HAN
The ice hath gone, but still the chill remains.
But I am well enough, consid’ring all,
And now we are together once again.
LUKE
’Twould not be miss’d. Such fun we have in store.
HAN
How is our cause?
LUKE
—The same as ever, friend.
HAN
That bad, indeed? And where is Leia?
LEIA
—Here.
I am quite safe and, as of yet, unharm’d,
But bound unto this wormlike lump of hate.
JABBA
Hagoy ooneetonuh.
C-3PO
—O dear! The great
And high exaltedness, this Jabba of
The Hutt, decrees that ye shall presently
Be terminated.
HAN
—Just as well; I loathe
A lengthy wait. [ Aside:] The eyes may yet be blind,
But ’tis relief to know the wit is well.
C-3PO
Thou shalt, therefore, be ta’en to the Dune Sea,
And cast into the pit of old Carkoon,
The nesting place of the all-pow’rful sarlacc.
HAN
As yet this Fate doth not so dismal sound.
CRUMB
[ aside:] I lik’d him better when he was on ice—
The frozen one hath quite a shrewish mouth.
Belike the details of the sarlacc shall
Give rest to his most flippant, prating tongue.
C-3PO
Within the sarlacc’s belly ye shall know
A definition new of suffering
As ye are gradu’lly digested o’er
A thousand thousand years. Thus saith the Hutt.
HAN
As I reflect, mayhap we should decline.
I find I have no stomach for this feast
Since it is we who shall the supper be.
CHEWBAC.
Auugh!
LUKE
—Thou wilt soon regret this gross mistake,
For ’tis the last misstep thou e’er shalt make.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 5.
The desert planet Tatooine, at the sarlacc’s pit in the Dune Sea.
Enter R2-D2 on Jabba’s barge.
R2-D2
The end of this bleak scene is almost near,
For I shall play the part of helpmate to
My master true, securing freedom for
Us all. No more shall Jabba terrorize
The planet Tatooine, for he shall be
Destroy’d before the double sun doth set.
Enter C-3PO , bumping into R2-D2.
C-3PO
O pardon me, I do apologize.
R2-D2
Beep, squeak!
C-3PO
—My R2, ah! What dost thou here?
R2-D2
Beep, whistle, meep, beep, nee!
C-3PO
—Well can I see
That thou art serving drinks, but dangerous
This place is. Soon they plan to execute
Good Master Luke, and if we take not care,
No doubt we shall be executed too!
R2-D2
Beep, meep!
C-3PO
—I wish I had thy confidence.
Enter LU
KE SKYWALKER, HAN SOLO, and CHEWBACCA with LANDO OF CALRISSIAN in disguise and several GUARDS on balcony, as Jabba’s skiff.
LUKE
[ aside:] Here is the hour that ends in our escape,
Here is the moment Jabba sees defeat,
Here is the instant I have plannèd for,
Here is the battle grand: the skiff’s the thing
Wherein I’ll catch Han’s rescue and take wing.
HAN
Methinks mine eyes have quite improv’d, for now
Instead of just a blur of dark I see
A blur of light. ’Tis almost pleasant. Ha!
LUKE
Alas, ’tis nothing here to see. I did
Once live on Tatooine, as thou dost know.
HAN
And thou shalt die here too. Convenient ’tis.
LUKE
Stay close to Lando and Chewbacca. All
Things shall end well, for I have plann’d it so.
HAN
So sayest thou. [ Aside:] His confidence is such
As I’ve not seen in him before; I know
Not whether to guffaw or be impress’d.
[Guards extend the skiff’s plank and force Luke onto it.
LUKE
The plank hath been set forth, and I shall walk
Not unto death, but our deliverance.
Enter JABBA OF THE HUTT, PRINCESS LEIA bound to Jabba, BIB FORTUNA, BOBA FETT, THE MAX REBO BAND, SALACIOUS CRUMB, and other members of Jabba’s court below, on a barge.
JABBA
Koneetah!
C-3PO
—Hear ye! Victims of the great
Almighty sarlacc: Jabba of the Hutt,
His excellency, hopeth ye shall die
With honor. Should ye wish for mercy now
To beg, great Jabba of the Hutt shall hear
Your pleas.
HAN
—Nay, 3PO! Say thou to that
Vast slimy piece of filth bestrewn with worms
He shall have no such pleasure out of us!
Now that I am no more a markèd man,
I shall most fully proffer my belief
That Jabba is a horrid murderer
Far worse than any I have ever known.
Who here shall prove me wrong or argue, eh?
’Tis right, good Chewie, I speak true?
CHEWBAC.
—Egh, auugh!
LUKE
Pray, Jabba, hear: I shall not ask again—
Thou mayst free us, or be destroy’d anon.
So give us liberty or give thyself death.
JABBA
Ho, ho! Sabutah mayr.
CRUMB
—Aye, put him in!
No more of these fools’ speech my ears would hear!
LUKE
[ aside:] The scene is set. Pray, Lando, play thy part,
And R2, thou hast ever been most true,
Now fail me not in this most vital time.
R2-D2
[ aside:] This is the moment; aye, this is the time.
JABBA
Koos nooma!
CRUMB
—Let the suffering begin!
I shall enjoy this show of pain and death.
LEIA
Alas, Luke jumps! But wait, he flips aright
Onto the skiff, and R2 hath releas’d
Into the air Luke’s lightsaber! He has’t,
’Tis his! O clever droid, with aim so true,
And clever Luke, devising such a plan.
HAN
The battle’s here! Mine eyes see well enough
To know that now ’tis time for combat!
CHEWBAC.
—Auugh!
LANDO
Now, Lando, to thy recompense for all
That thou hast done! Betrayer shall become
The bravest fighter e’er rebellion’s seen!
My courage here shall render payment for
The villainy I’ve tender’d in the past.
[They battle, and many of Jabba’s court are thrown into the sarlacc’s pit.
JABBA
Ahh!
LEIA
—What role shall I play in this? I shall
Not stand aside and let them fight for me.
I am no fragile damsel to be sav’d,
But have, since I was young, fought for myself.
Thus, to my work: to slay the biggest foe—
Thou, Jabba, art for me and me alone!
FETT
I shall fly unto the fray, for no mere band of
rebels shall outwit the great Jabba of the Hutt.
They shall not easily defeat the one who doth
fill my coffers. Not, indeed, as long as Boba Fett
hath pow’r to live and breathe. To it!
[Lando fights with a guard and falls off the skiff toward the pit.
LANDO
Alas, my friends, I fall!
[Boba Fett flies to the skiff.
Han Solo and Chewbacca fall.
LUKE
—Nay, thou vile Fett!
Thou shalt not have the best of us. A-ha!
[Luke strikes Boba Fett’s blaster.
Thy blaster’s now in twain by my lightsaber.
FETT
A hit, a very palpable hit! He hath torn my
blaster in twain with his lightsaber, but I shall
have him yet, and protect my great reward.
Go, ropes, and bind this rascal Jedi. Belike
Jabba shall further payment render when he
doth see the noble deeds done for his sake.
[Boba Fett binds Luke Skywalker with ropes, but then is knocked down. Luke escapes and jumps to another skiff, fighting the guards there.
LANDO
Han! Chewie! Can ye hear me?
HAN
—Lando!
CHEWBAC.
—Auugh!
[Boba Fett stands up and takes aim at Luke.
FETT
I have thee in my sights now, Jedi. Thou shalt
feel the pow’r of my rockets, and be no more.
CHEWBAC.
Egh!
HAN
—Boba Fett? What Boba Fett, and where?
[Han Solo moves and activates Boba Fett’s jets, sending him flying into the pit.
FETT
Alas! The greatest Fett shall not die like this!
O horrid Fate! Where is now my great reward?
[Boba Fett falls into pit and dies.
JABBA
Nuh oola koobah!
LEIA
—Those shall be thy words
Most final! Now, the chains that bind me to
This wretched lump of flesh shall be my hope!
Whilst Jabba worries o’er the battle, I
Shall throw the chains about his neck. Then, pull!
Aye, pull—a princess’ vengeance! Die, thou brute!
Thou unsuspecting Hutt, I curse thy life!
For all the innocent whoe’er did die,
For all the noble souls thou didst torment,
For all the gentle lives that are no more,
For all the galaxy’s injustice—die!
[Princess Leia strangles Jabba of the Hutt. He dies.
HAN
Good Lando, thou didst turn thy back on me,
But thou shalt have a chance to earn thy due
Since Luke and Chewie tell me of thy shame.
Chewbacca, lift me down that I may save
Him from a thousand years of pain.
LUKE
—Brave Han
Attempts to rescue Lando, but the gun
From on the barge doth block his progress. Fie!
No rest from trouble have we here—these foes
Will not let us escape without a fight.
They do intend to block us all the way—
Then to the barge, to aid the rescue. Fly!
[Luke jumps onto Jabba’s barge.
HAN
Pray, grasp
the staff!
LANDO
—I almost have it!
CHEWBAC.
—Auugh!
LANDO
Alack! The sarlacc’s tentacle wraps ’round
My leg. I fear this is the end! O give
Me strength to face my death well.
HAN
—Be thou still,
And Chewie, hand the blaster unto me.
LANDO
A blaster in the hands of one who’s blind?
Methinks I may do better in the pit.
Good Han, think on the defects of thine eyes!
HAN
My sight is much improv’d: my aim is true!
[Han Solo shoots the tentacle and lifts Lando onto the skiff.
LUKE
Good Lando is safe once again, and Han
And Chewie steady are upon the skiff.
Thus shall I find the droids and Leia, then
Destroy this barge and Jabba’s courtiers all.
R2-D2
[ aside:] Now to the princess, to release her bonds!
LEIA
All thanks, R2, now let us flee from here—
Find thou C-3PO, and we’ll away!
R2-D2
Beep, squeak!
CRUMB
—My master’s dead, but no fool I—
I’ll fight these droids until my fate’s secure.
[Salacious Crumb pokes at C-3PO’s eyes.
C-3PO
Mine eyes, alas—O R2, help!
R2-D2
—Meep, squeak!
[ Aside:] Tear not my friend apart, you tallow face!
[R2-D2 shocks Salacious Crumb, who jumps away.
CRUMB
The droid hath zapp’d me quite! O naughty imp!