“This is silly.”
Doug’s voice jarred her thoughts as tension thrashed through her. Did he suspect she had something to say? “What’s silly?”
He gave her a hopeless look. “I’m a grown man and can’t believe I’m acting like this.” He ran his finger beneath his moist eyes.
“It’s not silly, Doug. That little girl got under my skin, too, and I’m not calling it silly. I’m calling it love.”
He eyed her as if surprised at her response, and yet he must have known how she felt.
“One day you’ll have your own kids, Nina. Think how hard it must be to say goodbye when they strike out on their own.”
His response smacked her chest and drained the air from her lungs. He’d opened the door to her admission, and now her mouth twitched with the jumbled words she needed to say. “I’m sure saying goodbye in any circumstance is difficult.” The feeble response was all she could think of in the moment. She needed to organize her thoughts.
“As much as I worry about Roseanne hobbling around, I suppose I need to give her credit.”
Her stomach knotted when he returned the subject back to Roseanne.
“I don’t want to see her depending too much on Kimmy for things. I hope—”
“Doug, I understand your concern, but as we both agreed on our way home, you have to wait and see. Don’t you think Roseanne will admit if it’s not working? If she needs too much help, she’ll realize Kimmy’s a handful. Getting her back and forth to school will be the biggest issue.”
“She said another parent agreed to pick up Kimmy when she took her daughter to school. I hope that works as planned.”
“You can pray that it works. Did you forget?”
He chuckled, and it was the first time that day he’d shown any lightheartedness.
Tension faded from his face, and her pulse raced, knowing she had to dampen his spirit again with the truth she had to reveal. She swallowed bile that rose to her throat and sent up a prayer.
“Doug...”
He studied her, a scowl revisiting his smooth brow, and his reaction wrenched her confidence.
“You said something a second ago that...that I need to talk with you about.”
“What? What did I say? If I hurt your feelings or—”
“No. It’s nothing like that. It’s what I haven’t said that’s the problem, Doug. Something I don’t tell anyone, but I must explain it to you because it’s important.”
His scowl deepened and he shifted closer and sank into a chair. “What’s wrong, Nina? I can tell it’s serious, and I—”
“Yes, it is serious because it’s something I know is important to you. A few seconds ago, you said one day I would have children of my own, but...but that isn’t going to happen, Doug.”
His jaw dropped and his mouth opened as he took a deep breath. “What do you mean?”
Pressure weighted her chest and knotted her vocal cords. She waited a moment to get control before she could bring her voice to life. “My marriage ended because of the situation.”
“What situation, Nina. Just tell me.” A desperate look filled his face and broke her heart.
“I had two miscarriages, Doug, and the doctor found a problem that will cause me never to carry a child to full term.”
His face twisted from desperation to confusion. Silence hung between them, and nausea rose upward, plowing into the back of her throat. She fought back the sensation, praying one of her rare prayers for God’s guidance. “I wanted children badly. As much as any woman who loves children, but it didn’t happen. Do I blame God or do I blame something I’ve done or—”
“Nina, please. Blame no one. Life hands out joys and sorrows.”
He quieted as if in thought and she feared talking, asking, knowing what had muted his voice. She had offered him a piece of news no man wanted to hear, not one who deserved to be a father and would be a good one.
After time passed, her love for him nudged her to offer an out to his dilemma. “Doug, I understand your confusion. Yes, I care about you with all my heart. I tried to lock my feelings inside and let you know that I was serious about never marrying, but I failed miserably. My actions were unfair to you. I loved your kisses and the corn maze undid me.”
“I’d been undone before that, Nina. You’re not to blame, and somehow I believe that the Lord moved us to these feelings. He opened my eyes to what I had been missing. You showed me what companionship is like. You opened my eyes to feelings I’d locked away. You’re not alone with that ability to conceal things through avoidance. I’d dedicated my life to family and watched marriages falter and crumble. They held no interest for me.”
She searched his face, seeing his heart shine in his eyes.
“And then came Kimmy. I adored her always. She’s been the cutest child, creative and a bundle of charm. Spending time with her for these past weeks made me realize what marriage can be. It doesn’t have to be a failure filled with problems. Love can heal everything, and I knew I would never marry unless I saw my marriage filled to the brim with love.”
“But now a relationship with me is different. I cannot give you or any man the children that you long for. A marriage to me can’t grow into a family. It’s a couple, a childless couple. But you don’t have to live with that, Doug.”
Tears broke from her eyes and blurred her vision. Seeing him in a haze relieved her from seeing the disappointment in his face, the sadness in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I let it go too long without warning you.”
Doug lifted his head, a new expression on his face. “No blame and no sorrys, Nina. First, it’s not your fault. It’s life. Many couples are childless and many by choice. Second, do you believe the words of one doctor? Did you have a second opinion? Will you explain what’s wrong that you assume you can’t carry a child through the nine months?”
The intimacy of her problem knotted in her throat, but she owed him details. “It’s a chronic disease that can eventually result in more serious illnesses. It’s hard to treat. After my first loss, I went on the medication. We were so sure but it happened again. The doctor believed that medication wasn’t the answer. Even with surgery, having a child is far from guaranteed. Any treatment is close to hopeless.”
He shook his head as if he could dislodge the problem from her body. “Nothing is hopeless. Second opinions, new medical treatments...in the medical field new discoveries are made daily.”
Any response she could make seemed empty. She’d once had hope but it had left her three years earlier when Todd walked out and ended their marriage.
“But, Nina, if that’s the problem that’s holding you back from loving me I can live without my own children. Kimmy’s my niece and I love her as deeply as I would a child of my own. Why would I feel any different with an adopted child? Love given has nothing to do with blood running through the veins. It has to do with what’s in your heart.”
His words touched her to the depth of her being, but her own needs struck her. “I would want to give my husband a child. A little person that’s a blend of the husband and wife. I want—”
“Do you care what I want, Nina? Do my wants and hopes mean nothing to you? I’m being honest with you. Yes, I would love a child of my own, and you would, too, but what happens if I can’t have children? That’s a possibility. I would only have some guarantee with tests. Would you expect me to have them—or any man—before accepting his proposal?”
Her throat ached from holding back sobs. “No. Never, Doug. I wouldn’t think of such a thing.”
“Neither would I. So here’s my request. Would you please visit another doctor for a second opinion or for new treatments? Don’t accept never, Nina.”
She looked away, and then raised her head. “After Thanksgiving. I’ll give it thought.”
“Nina, the out
come wouldn’t change my feelings about you, not one iota, but you might have hope again, and I want that for you.”
Tears broke free, and Doug drew her to his chest, holding her against his heart. She opened the floodgate and let the salty water flow down her cheeks and onto his sweater.
He swayed as a father might for his crying child, and she clung to him, wrapped in his care and concern. He’d never flinched at her confession. He’d been thoughtful but steady in his gaze. For once, she knew she could trust him fully. He meant what he said.
Now it was in her hands.
Chapter Eleven
Nina slipped on her jacket, grasped the container of cookies and headed down the street toward El’s. Each time she read something in the Bible, her talk with El came to mind as did Doug’s request for her to visit a new physician. This time she didn’t need the cookies as an excuse, but he loved them and who didn’t enjoy an appreciative fan?
When she pushed his bell, the door flew open, and she faced a young woman she’d never seen before. “Is El in? I’m a neighbor.” She motioned toward her house and waited while the stranger gawked at her a moment before she turned and headed back inside, leaving the door open. “Gramps. Another of your lady friends is here.”
Nina grinned, certain Birdie had hustled over seeing a woman she didn’t know visit El.
El’s chuckle reached her ears as he came through the archway. “Nina. I’m so glad you came.” He pushed open the storm door and she entered. As she did, he eyed the container and his grin grew broader. “And you came bearing gifts.”
“I hope you like them.”
He accepted the container and gave her a playful look. “If they’re sweet, you know I’ll love them.” He motioned for her to sit as he continued past her. “Ginger, can you come here a minute?”
“What?” She ambled in, a scowl growing on her face. “I’m busy.”
He eyed her a moment, and Nina sensed he had sent up a prayer. “I hope you can spare a minute. I’d like you to meet one of my neighbors.”
Ginger shrugged and looked at Nina. “Hi.” She turned away.
Before she could leave, El touched her arm. “Ginger, this is Nina. She lives in the house at the corner.”
“Okay.”
Nina forced a pleasant look. “It’s nice to meet you, Ginger. How long are you visiting?”
Her eyes shifted to El and back as if she were uncertain.
“Ginger will be staying here for a while.” He arched an eyebrow and looked at her.
Ginger squirmed under El’s gaze. “Right. It’s here or jail.”
Her blunt response threw Nina off balance. An appropriate response swirled through her head. “I’m sorry, Ginger, but you have a wonderful grandfather, so the choice was a good one.”
Ginger pressed her lips together though a faint grin sneaked to the edge of her lips. “I suppose you’re right.” She turned to El. “Is this necessary, Gramps?”
He opened the container and offered her a cookie.
Ginger eyed the treats a moment, and then took one. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I know if I didn’t tell you, Gramps would.”
Another challenge. She sought a response and decided honesty was best. “Sometimes getting things out in the open is better than skirting the issue or lying. I’ve skirted the truth often, Ginger, and I want to tell you it’s caused me more grief than I can explain.”
Somehow what she said caught Ginger’s attention. This time she gave up the battle and let her grin come through. “You sound like my grandpa. He says things like that.”
“That’s because it’s true. I’ve spent my life hiding something about myself that’d kept me from moving forward and being happy.”
Ginger backed up and dropped into an easy chair. “Really?”
“Really. In fact, that’s part of the reason I dropped by today, hoping I’d catch El alone so I could talk with him about it.”
“What’s the other reason?” Ginger narrowed her eyes.
“The last time I saw him, he asked me to come over because he had something to talk about.”
El chuckled and settled into his recliner. “I don’t need to say much now, Nina. You’ve just opened the door to why I wanted to see you. I watched you and Doug together at Angie’s wedding, and I recognized two people who were in love, and yet I could still see a kind of hesitation in your behavior. Something unsettled you. Only a faint hint of it, but I’ve seen it too often. It’s like the day I gave you Margie’s Bible.”
“You gave her Grandma’s Bible? Why?” Ginger’s voice had an edge.
Nina’s head jerked. “Ginger, if you’d like your grandmother’s Bible, I’d be happy to give it to you. I’ve read so much of it and—”
“No.” Ginger shook her head. “I was just surprised. Gramps always kept that Bible beside his bed. It was as if he kept a little of Grandma with him.”
“That’s true, Ginger.” Nostalgia filled El’s face. “But I’ve begun to heal, and I thought your grandma would like someone to read it who really needed to learn about Jesus.”
“You weren’t a Christian?” Ginger’s jaw sagged.
“A very watery one at one time, but the water had dried up and so had I.”
Ginger nodded as if she understood. “Gramps is right. I have a Bible. I just don’t read it anymore. I fell for a guy with a dark past. I let him drag me down with him.” She shook her head. “I hate talking about it.”
Nina understood and resisted questions. Ginger would talk more when she was ready, just as she’d learned to do.
“Are you ready for this, El?”
“Sure am, but only if you’re ready to talk with an old geezer like me.”
“El, I’ve told you many times. A wise old geezer like you. You’re filled with more wisdom than anyone I know.”
He grinned, while she gritted her teeth, wanting to hold back the story she’d come to tell, and yet she could see it served even more purpose with Ginger there. She eased her back against the sofa cushion and drew in a breath. She started from the beginning and spilled the details into the space between them, one that had been silent except for her voice. “And then I met Doug, a man who God meant to be a tremendous father and a good husband. But, El, I am caught with my situation.”
“You have a situation, but are you really caught in it?”
“Not as much as I was. I finally confessed what held me back from falling in love and being a wife.”
“Doug didn’t walk out on you, did he?” El tilted his head as he waited for her response.
“You know he didn’t. But he asked me questions and made me think.”
El leaned closer. “Questions?”
An ache grew in her chest. “He wanted to know how many doctors I’d talked with. I said one.” She shook her head. “So he asked me to have a second opinion.”
“And that’s frightening, isn’t it?”
She nodded, her gaze sweeping across Ginger’s face, filled with her own pain.
Forcing her gaze from Ginger, she sorted through her thoughts. “Yes, but it made me act. I went online and researched. I learned some things that helped me to understand Doug’s question. Medical advances happen daily, and doctors do make mistakes. My problem is very similar to another female issue, and that one has a new surgical procedure that helps, but...”
El’s gaze grew tender. “But what if you get your hopes up, and your first doctor was correct.”
She nodded, a ragged breath tearing from her lungs.
“But, Nina...” Ginger’s voice shot past her. “What if your first doctor was wrong? What if you can have a child? What if you turn down love that would be wonderful just because of a what-if?”
“Smart girl, Ginger.” Pride rose in El’s voice. “Those are good questions. And
here’s another thought. My Margie had some kind of female problem, and the doctor warned her that it was a good possibility she would never have a child.”
“Really, Gramps?”
He gave Ginger a nod, and then shifted his gaze back to Nina. “She kept that a secret for a short time, but I sensed something was wrong. I didn’t bug her. Margie wasn’t one you wanted to bug.”
Ginger chuckled. “Grandma liked life to run her way.”
El gave Ginger a watch-what-you-say look. “One day, Margie told me, and I said I loved her for her and I reminded her the Lord was in charge. He would decide.” He chuckled. “I was right. Within a year, Margie was expecting our first daughter, and a couple years later we had our second.” He smacked his knees and rose. “See what I mean. We’re not in charge.”
“So I should trust that Doug is telling me the truth. He will still love me if I go through with another doctor and learn the same thing. No babies.”
El’s expression answered the question.
“That’s what I thought, but I wanted validation, El. I value your opinion. Very much.”
Ginger scooted to the edge of her seat. “So you’ll get the second opinion?”
Nina nodded. “I’ve looked up a few doctors, and I’ll call for an appointment as soon as I get past Thanksgiving.”
El crossed to her side. “That’s the best thing to do, Nina, and I’ll pray the answer blesses you, no matter what it is.”
“Me, too.” Ginger nodded.
Ginger’s offer startled her. “Thank you.” Nina rose and took a step toward the door. “Ginger, I’m happy to listen anytime, and, El, thank you so much.”
He opened his arms, and she stepped in and accepted his hug. Outside she had a bounce to her step she hadn’t had earlier. Her decision was made and El had validated it. The truth was what she needed. She would learn to live with it.
* * *
Nina opened the oven and basted the turkey, golden brown, the way she liked it. She eyed the wall clock, and her pulse skipped. Her mother and stepfather would arrive soon. She looked heavenward for the nth time and asked the Lord to help her deal with her mother’s criticisms.
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