by Fiona Murphy
Alice is even more indulgent. She’s quick to supply every munchie I request, without a murmur about unhealthy fat or salt.
At night, when he comes to bed he always wraps me tightly in his arms. The night I wake up when Grant pulls me into his arms, I let him know our week of going without was over. His response is intense, lasting all night. We make up for the lost week.
We easily fall back into our loose schedule during the next week. I miss our talks during the day but don’t dare say so to Grant. By the end of the fourth week I’m going stir crazy. I check the time and decide to bother Robin. It’s her half day, which means she’s in a store buying yarn for her knitting.
“Hey, how are you, my dear gets-to-sit-on-her-ass-all-day friend?” Robin answers on the second ring.
“Going out of my fucking mind is what I’m doing, as I sit on my ass. You and Alice are my only connection to the outside world. And no talking about Supernatural. We can get down to that when we watch it on Thursday.”
“Pff, then what in the world is there to talk about?”
“I don’t know. How’s things with the new roomie this week?”
“Ugh, I don’t know. She is uber weird, all quiet with her in her room all the time. I tried to get her into an episode. I was on Netflix binging season nine, the best season since season five and it was bananas. She didn’t think Dean was hot, she said he was okay. Okay? Then I had to explain it to her. I mean, seriously she had no idea about Supernatural. She was all judgmental about my love for Crowley too.”
“King of Hell will turn some people off. Huh, what does she do again?”
“She’s a genealogist. Which, in a city like Boston, keeps her busy. She also makes bank, unlike you, I asked for her last three months of bank statements and her pay is fat. Then she takes side jobs for extra money.
“Her bank statements are impressive, they also say she’s as boring as she seems. She has a serious coffee addiction, and if Amazon one click were a button, hers would be broken. I can’t believe it but she reads more than you do.”
“Give her some time to get used to you and the place. It has only been a little over a month.”
“I guess, how are you? What’s with this going out of your fucking mind? Don’t you have a billionaire who fucks you so good he blows your mind, to keep you company?”
“Haha, you aren’t going to let me forget I said that are you?”
“No way, not when you said it like you meant it. I’ve never been fucked so good my mind was blown. Sue me, I’m jealous.”
“Okay, yes, sex is mind-blowing, absolutely amazing, only it’s at night and if I’m really lucky in the morning. Yeah, he was sweet and spent time with me while I had my period, but it’s been a week since then. Now, he hardly ever comes out of his office before dinner sometimes not even then. So, during the day, I mean I’m going out of my fucking mind.
“Grant told me I couldn’t go out without security but that was the first day. He hasn’t mentioned it again since. I just sit in the condo all day. At first it wasn’t bad, some reading, some yoga, some season three of Supernatural on a fifty inch flat screen, but come the fuck on.”
“Hmm... question. Do you think he thinks the sex is amazing too?”
Flopping onto the big squishy chair I love, I shrug, embarrassed. Today the peonies in the living room are white and the ones in the foyer are red. When I mentioned he didn’t have to he shrugged, saying he liked the way they smelled. “I don’t know, he’s a guy. Don’t they all like sex? He definitely likes it.”
“Don’t give me that. I know you know. Does he think it’s amazing too?”
I think of the way he spends so long going down on me I lose track of time and orgasms. The way he makes sure every time that he reaches that sweet spot within me. Then there’s the way he holds me tight when it’s over, as if he’s afraid I’ll get away from him. I know. “Yes.”
“Well, that was a whole lot of silence for a one word answer. If you’re sure he’s as nuts about what you guys have, then he won’t want to endanger it. You have a very small amount of wiggle room to push him.”
“I thought I was supposed to know men.” The idea of pushing him never crossed my mind. I don’t want to endanger what we have.
“I’ve picked up some things, and you’re calling me. My advice, get the hell out of the condo. Go to the Shedd you love so much or hang out in Millennium Park. Go do your thing. You’ll find out how serious he is about the protection thing.”
Robin is right. I can’t take staying inside another day. “You’re right, thanks. Talk to you on Thursday.”
Dressed in a loose blue shirt and a black maxi skirt, I pluck at my bra in annoyance. In the kitchen, I find Alice wiping down the kitchen counters.
“Alice, I’m telling you as previously ordered. I’m going out. Grant’s at the office where I’m not bothering him. I’ll have my cell phone on me and my pepper spray. I think I’ll check out the Shedd today. I found a camera in the office I’m going to use while I’m out.” I show her the large extremely expensive looking piece of equipment I found covered in dust. It’s pretty cool, with a ton of memory available to play with.
“Did you call him?”
“I’m not allowed to call him when he’s at the office. It’s just for a few hours. I’ll be back before it gets dark.”
Wanting to avoid an argument, I speed walk out the door. I wear a small plain cross-body black leather bag, with enough room for my cell phone, eighty dollars in cash, I.D., and a small can of pepper spray. On my way down in the elevator, I take the time to change my emergency contact to Grant’s phone number.
***
It’s my third trip to the Shedd aquarium, every time it feels like I find something new. From behind the lens of the camera everything looks different. I’m lining up a shot of jellyfish, it’s one of the darker areas of the aquarium, when hands grip my hips and pull me back against a hard, muscled chest. My scream is cut short when I realize who it is. “Grant! What the hell?”
I’m flipped around to face a very angry Grant. “No, sweetheart, you don’t get to ask questions. You answer them. What the hell are you doing here?”
“Well, I was enjoying myself, taking pictures. I told you I like to go out and explore.”
“And I told you, you weren’t going to be doing that alone. What are you fucking thinking?”
“Well, I was thinking you said it once then never brought it up again. I’ve told you several times I like to go and see the city. I didn’t just stop wanting to see the city, I’ve been taking time to settle in. I’m not going through what I went through with Frank. You can’t keep me caged up in the condo. I need to get out.” I know I’m getting loud but I don’t care. “I’m not going back to that again.”
Grant’s hands tighten on my hips. He shakes me once, pulling me out of my panic. I stutter to a stop. “All right. All right. Breathe, sweetheart.” Pulling me close, he sighs as his head rests on mine. “I won’t keep you caged in the condo. I won’t do that.”
His words calm me, I cling to him, trusting in what he tells me. A family enters the room and their chattering drives us apart. “I’m sorry.” I mutter as I go to wipe the tears that escaped. Only to find Grant is already doing it. I look away, embarrassed for getting emotional.
“I should have followed through on the call for your security. They faxed over a proposal but it’s lost somewhere on my desk.”
I sigh in exasperation. “I really don’t understand what the big deal is. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. I’ve told you. I’m used to going out alone. This is something I’ve been doing for years.”
A hard hand cups the back of my neck, forcing my head up to him. His eyes are glowing with anger. “That was then, before me. I protect what’s mine, you are mine. There’s an average of four women raped every fucking day in this city and that’s just the ones that are reported. You are a beautiful, extremely sexy woman. Any man who saw you would want you. Add into how small and fragile you look, no f
ucking way will you walk these streets alone. If anything happened to you...” He blinks the fear glowing out of his eyes now is so different than his anger. I can’t breathe at the depth of feeling I see in them. His hand tightens until I wince. Immediately he gentles his hold. Bringing me closer to him, he presses a kiss to my forehead. I feel infinitely protected, cared for and it sends a shiver through me. No one has ever made me feel as if I were important to them the way Grant does in this moment. “For me, sweetheart, for my peace of mind. Will you let me do this?”
I nod, not able to deny him anything.
He exhales as if he’s been holding his breath. “All right, sweetheart. Show me what it is you love so much about this place.”
Over the next two hours, I have more fun than I’ve had in years. Grant teases me, peppering me with questions, laughing at my answers as he provides a running commentary on the scenes we come across.
When we finally get to the exit I’m sad it’s over. Only it’s not. We walk hand in hand along Michigan Avenue. He asks if it’s okay to walk all the way home. I say yes, enthusiastically.
“So, tell me. If you barely get out to see the city, why exactly did you pick Chicago as your headquarters?”
He shrugs. “At the time, I was still writing my own stuff but it wasn’t a full time thing. Mainly I was writing software and programs to spec for various government entities all over the world. It’s a hell of lot more interesting than I thought it would be when I first started doing it at MIT. Although the latest build had me done with others looking over my shoulder and giving me orders. At the time I only had four programmers who went through my stuff, cleaned it up and went through an outside company to package and sell it. While I was here, giving a breakdown of my latest program I met Mayor Daley. After my presentation I was saying I was looking to put down roots to build a company of my own full time to someone else when they asked about my next project.
“Daley perked up, the man can work you for sure. He said he wanted me to make Chicago my home and offered an extremely appealing tax break to do it. I told him I didn’t know anything about Chicago, where to get people or rent space. By the end of the night, we’re talking only three hours later, he had an assistant for me and an appointment with a realtor to look at office space the next day. Within twenty-four hours I’d signed and had my first six employees. Only a week later I bought a condo in the Marina Towers.”
“Wow. Where would you have based it if it hadn’t been for meeting the mayor that day? Did you not want to start it in the city you were living in?”
“I wasn’t really living anywhere. During those years I went where the projects took me. I’d already let go the condo I’d been staying at in Virginia, while I worked on the DOD project.”
I’m shocked, it sounds crazy to me. “Seriously? You didn’t have, like, a home?”
He smiles at my amazement. “No. I spent five years at MIT getting my bachelors and then masters. When I finished there, I spent two years at Oxford University, mainly because I wanted to see how they did things. After that it was Lyon, France, for a project with Interpol. Then they just kind of blur together after that.”
“Liar.” I see the light in his eyes.
“Not really, no.”
I know I’m pushing it but I can’t help myself. “You didn’t want to go back to where you grew up? Seattle, wasn’t it?”
His eyes darken. “No, there was nothing to go back to. My parents were both dead before I turned twenty-one. Do you ever want to go back? Maybe check on your family, let them know you’re still alive.”
Well, I’d asked for it. “No. They don’t want to know if I’m still alive. When I tried to get help for Thomas after he was diagnosed with a heart defect only days after he was born, they hung up on me about seven times. They told Billy’s family to tell me I was to have nothing to do with them. My sins were visited on Thomas. His being sick was my fault and cross to bear alone.”
He stops, “Fuck.”
“Yeah. It actually helped in a way though, not at the time, of course. But it freed me from all the guilt and shame I had been carrying since the whole getting pregnant out of wedlock and being forced to marry someone they didn’t approve of thing.”
We come across a small fish and chips hole in the wall and wander inside. Grant smiles. “How bad would it be to have fish and chips after spending several hours roaming around the Shedd?”
I laugh, and just like that, the heaviness lifts. It’s a small place, the table large enough for our baskets of fried fish and french fries and not much else.
While we eat he tells me about the year he spent in Switzerland working with the World Health Organization developing specialized software to track and trace endemic diseases, when he was only twenty one. I’m fascinated by the complexity, and in awe of his ability to break down and build the tools to help with the problem. I want to hear more, but Grant demands I share one of the trips I’d taken from Boston. It’s in no way as interesting as his trip, only Grant makes it clear that to him it is. By the time we get home, the sun has set. I’m so happy I thank Grant again and again and again.
The next morning I’m awake before Grant, for the first time. I take full advantage of the moment. Running my fingertips over his limp cock, and like I have every time since I’ve seen him and touched him, I want to taste him. Finally, I give in to my need. I lick the tip of him, hesitantly. It’s not enough, not nearly enough. Licking around the head of his cock, my tongue swirls. Need builds and I suck the tip of his cock, at first gingerly then hungrily. Then he’s gone, pulling out of my mouth without any warning.
“I’m already regretting stopping, sweetheart. Only you’re changing the rules, your rules. We need to clarify the change.” He’s sitting up against the headboard, watching me intently.
Contrite, knowing he’s right doesn’t help the longing still inside me. “I just want to try. I’m sorry if I can’t finish or don’t want to do it again. Can’t I just try, please?”
He shakes his head. “Why have you never sucked a man’s cock before?”
The question slams me back into that moment. I hadn’t expected it, don’t want to go back there. I try to roll off the bed to run for the bathroom, Grant catches me. “Please, no. Just let it go.”
I’m wrapped tight in his arms, his hand in my hair. “Locking it up all these years hasn’t helped. I want my cock in your mouth a hell of a lot more than you do, my sweet. But until you talk, neither of us are getting what we want.”
Closing my eyes, I hate I’m back there again, the way I knew I would be. Back in the tiny little duplex, dull and dirty no matter how many times I cleaned it. Back on the battered couch where I had spent the days after my son died, because the tiny bedroom was full of his things that I couldn’t stand the sight of anymore.
“My ex-husband hadn’t been around for weeks before Thomas died during his second surgery. He was angry because during the first heart surgery, Thomas needed a blood transfusion.
“Even though it’s forbidden in our religion, I cared more about my son so I allowed it. It was an excuse anyway, both of us by then were no longer religious. We both wanted to leave all of that behind us, our religion and the way we were raised. He hadn’t been interested in me or Thomas since before Thomas was born. From that first week in Las Vegas Billy acted as if he found paradise. It started slowly but within weeks he wasn’t coming home at night then by us being there a year he was hardly ever home. He was there when Thomas was born and seemed excited until it became clear Thomas was sick. After that aside from a once a month visit to pay the rent and other bills he never came home.
“Billy’s uncle, who he worked for, called to check on Thomas. I told him about Thomas dying. Only an hour later Billy called to tell me that because of Thomas’s death, which was my fault for too many reasons to list, he had no further responsibility to me. Apparently, he called the landlord to tell him the same thing.
“The landlord came by the next day, I don’t know, may
be it was the day after. I lost track of time. He told me the rent was long past due and Billy wouldn’t be paying rent anymore. He was willing to take it in kind.
“I was still out of it, still numb, still didn’t care about anything. He raped me. I tried to fight back but he was too big, too strong. He punched me once so hard he gave me a black eye, and my head was still ringing long after he had finished and was gone.
“I told myself it was a bad dream, it hadn’t happened. Then I told myself it was my own fault. If I had done things right Thomas wouldn’t have died. For some crazy reason I believed I deserved it.
“Until he came again the next week. He forced his, you know... into my mouth, and held my mouth open. Somehow, it seemed worse than before, it went on for what felt like forever. It was gross, all of it. I remember thinking I would never let a man do that to me again. I also knew I didn’t deserve what he did to me.”
For a long time neither of us say anything, he runs his large hand up and down my back. “Thank you, for telling me sweetheart. Thank you for wanting to suck my cock after what you were forced to do, and how badly it affected you. I don’t know if I can take things as easy and slow as you need. When it comes to you, I’m not one for self-control.”
His regret is clear. Sweet isn’t a word I would have thought to use for Grant, but he’s being so sweet. And it ticks me off. This time it isn’t being done to me. I’m in charge. I want to do it. Turning in his arms I push him away. He goes in surprise.
Straddling him, I feel him hard under me. “I don’t need you to take things easy and slow. I don’t lay back and think of god and country when your mouth is on me. I don’t expect you to.”
Grasping the base of him, I open my mouth, sucking him inside. He’s thick, so very thick, it’s hard to take him easily. I suck deeply around the few inches I can take, my tongue tasting all of him that I can. Though I’ve never sucked a man’s cock, I’ve been given thorough teaching several times. Tabatha never gave up hoping I would change my mind. I use everything I’ve learned. I want to give him the pleasure he’s given me.