by T L Swan
She watches on as I put makeup remover onto a cotton pad, and she closes her eyes. She knows the routine; we’ve done this many times before. She can’t sleep until her makeup is taken off. She tosses and turns all night, and it’s easier to do it now rather than in an hour.
I wipe the makeup off one eye, and then the other. Her dark lashes flutter as I wipe each of them, and I find myself smiling down as I watch her.
Her cheekbones are high, and her big sultry lips are parted slightly.
My heart constricts in my chest.
“Nathe.” Her hands are on my thighs.
“Yeah, baby,” I whisper.
“I love you.”
I smile softly. She loves me every time she’s drunk. “I know.”
“Do you love me?”
I lean down and kiss her forehead. “You know I do.”
She rests her sleepy head on my chest. “Can we go to bed now?” she whispers. “I’m very tired.”
“Nearly finished.” I wipe the rest of her makeup off and rinse it clean, and then I lead her into the bedroom. I turn down the blankets, and she flops back onto her back. I lift her legs so that she’s lying comfortably, and soon her lashes flutter as she fights sleep.
My eyes roam down her body and a strange feeling washes over me. I’ve seen Eliza with no clothes on many times before but tonight she feels so… naked.
Raw.
My eyes roam down over her full breasts, then her stomach, her muscular thighs, before resting on her black G-string.
I stare at her for a moment, and my imagination takes me to a new place.
What would it be like to be inside her?
I get a vision of her opening her legs and my body sliding deep inside of hers. The blood rushes to my cock and I lose all coherent thought.
I close my eyes as the air leaves my lungs.
No.
When I open my eyes, I’m unable to help it. I unzip my jeans and take my cock in my hand. Slowly, I stroke it as I drink her in.
She softly moans and rearranges her legs. I can almost feel her movement to the tip of my cock, and I inhale sharply.
Fuck.
I need to get out of here. This is… wrong.
I stumble into the bathroom, lock the door and peel my clothes off. I turn the shower on and get in under the hot water. I oil my hand up, and with thoughts of my best friend running naked through my mind…
I fuck myself.
Hard.
3
Nathan
“Nathan.” The voice is gravelly and hoarse.
I frown, my eyes still closed.
“Nathan. Jesus Christ, get your dick out of my back.”
My eyes snap open. “What?”
I’m cuddling Eliza from behind. My hand is resting between her bare breasts, and my erect cock is nudged firmly against her lower back.
“Shit.” I scramble to my side of the bed. “Fuck, sorry. It’s morning…” I splutter as I run my hands through my hair.
“Hmm.” She grumbles before she drifts back off to sleep.
I close my eyes in horror.
I get up, go to the bathroom, and then ease myself back onto my side of the bed, lying dangerously close to the edge. I stare at her as if she’s a ferocious animal, because at this moment, to me, she is.
This is the unknown to me. This has never happened before.
Why is it happening now?
“Hmm.” She pushes her behind toward me.
I stay silent.
She does it again. “Nathe, cuddle me,” she mumbles sleepily.
Fuck.
I pull her close and hold her tight as a sense of dread fills my soul.
And it’s not about my dick this morning; that shit happens. It’s about last night.
Seeing Eliza naked…
Jerking off to the sight of her…
I close my eyes in disgust at myself, and the sick taste of shame fills my mouth.
Our friendship is special. What we have together is perfect. My dick doesn’t come into this equation, and it never will. I won’t let it.
I can’t lie here beside her any longer. I sit up on the side of the bed and run my hands through my hair. Perspiration dusts my skin.
I frown as I try to understand what I’m feeling, but I can’t because I don’t understand it. Ten years of nothing.
Why now?
There’s a reasonable answer to all of this, there has to be, and surely this is just a misunderstanding. If I could just decipher what’s going on in my head.
Who can sort this out for me?
I think for a moment.
Yes, of course, that’s it! I’ve got it.
Three hours later, I’m sitting in the waiting room of one of the best psychologists in San Francisco. My elbows rest on my parted knees as I wait. I’m battling an erratic heartbeat, and nerves are coursing through my veins. I’ve never been to a psychologist before—never needed one.
My eyes roam over the people in the waiting room as I wonder why they are here.
Bet I’m more fucked up than the lot of them.
The office door opens and a man appears. “Nathan Mercer?”
I stand. “Yes.”
“This way, please.” I follow him into his office, and he closes the door behind us. He holds his hand out to shake mine. “Elliot Hamilton.”
He’s mid to late forties, distinguished looking, and not what I was expecting at all.
Who it was that I was expecting, though, I’m not sure.
“Hello.” I nod. “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.”
He smiles and gestures to a leather chair. “Please, take a seat. When I got your call this morning, I shuffled around a few things to make it work.”
“I appreciate it.”
His eyes hold mine, and he sits back in his chair. His eyes are assessing, and he shuffles some papers in front of him.
“Tell me, what brought you here today, Nathan? May I call you Nathan?”
“Yes, of course.” I inhale deeply as I steel myself to say it out loud.
He gives me a calm smile as he fills the glass in front of me with water. “Take your time.”
“I’ve…” I pause as I try to push the words past my lips. “I’ve recently had an unwanted attraction to someone I…” I frown as I cut off my sentence.
“Someone you… what?”
“My best friend.”
“Ah.” He nods and sits back, as if understanding. “And this is distressing you?”
“Yes.” I nod. “Very much.”
“And you’ve never had any attraction to someone of the same sex before?”
“Oh.” I frown, realising what he thinks. “That’s not it.” I puff air into my cheeks. “My best friend is a woman.”
He frowns.
“I’m… usually with men.” I clench my jaw.
“So, you identify as a gay male?”
“No.”
His brow furrows. “How do you see yourself, Nathan?”
“Normal.” I shrug. “I don’t feel I need to label my sexuality.”
He nods. “I see.” He pauses for a moment. “You haven’t come out?”
“Yes and no. I had a long-term relationship when I was younger, and when we broke up everyone knew that we’d been together. I don’t hide being with men, but I don’t advertise it, either.” My eyes rise to meet his. “I’m a private person. My sex life is mine alone. I don’t feel the need to justify my choices. I am who I am. People can take it or leave it.”
“I see.” He smiles as if contemplating my answer. “And you’ve never been attracted to a woman before?”
“No.”
“It bothers you?”
“Very much.”
“Why is that?”
I drop my head. “My best friend and I are very close. I can’t fuck this up.”
He frowns. “And you think that if you told… I’m sorry, what is her name?”
“Eliza.”
“If El
iza found out, you think you would lose her?”
“One hundred percent.” I nod. “I know I would.”
“How long has this been going on?”
“Just the last few days… but last night…” I frown, too ashamed to keep going.
“Go on, you are in a safe place. This is completely confidential.”
“Last night, she got drunk, and when we got home—”
“You live together?”
“Practically. I sleep with her every night.”
“In the same bed?” He frowns.
I nod.
He scribbles something down on his notepad. “We’ll come back to that. Tell me what happened last night.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose as I picture her. “She took off her dress and was wearing nothing but a G-string. And after she went to sleep, I touched myself looking at her.”
He rubs his pointer finger over his bottom lip. “Then, what happened?”
“I was disgusted with myself but I couldn’t stop. I was too aroused, too far gone, so I went into the bathroom and jerked off imagining I was with her.” My stomach rolls. “It was utterly…disgusting.”
“Why is that?”
“I betrayed her.” I hang my head in shame.
“How long has it been since you have been with a woman?”
“Never.”
He raises a brow. “I see.”
I clench my hands into fists. His silence is deafening. Fuck this, it isn’t helping. “I might just go.”
“We’re not finished.” He fires back without hesitation. “Tell me about your first sexual experience.”
I’m not telling him that shit, it’s private. “What does that have to do with Eliza?” I snap.
“Everything is connected. Do you want me to help you work this out?”
Our eyes are locked, and I tilt my chin in annoyance knowing this was a mistake. “Yes.”
“Then, please.” He rolls his hand out. “Continue. Lie back in the chair and relax. We can figure this out but only if we work together.”
I hesitate as I go over my options, there aren’t any, just tell him. “I was fifteen… at summer camp.”
He listens intently.
“I was roomed with a boy. Robert.”
“Had you had any attraction to anyone before this?”
“A male?”
“Either sex, boy or girl.”
I shake my head. “No, I was into sports and…” I shrug, unable to elaborate.
He waits for me to go on, and when I don’t, he prompts me. “Tell me about Robert.”
I exhale heavily, wishing I was anywhere but here. “Robert was…” I smile sadly. “Robert was different to anyone I had ever met. He was funny, kind, and he listened to everything I said.” I inhale deeply. “At the end of our first week of rooming together, we were tight—good friends. We hung out, laughed all day, and we would talk all night.” I hesitate, I hate how this sounds.
“Was there anyone else in the room with the two of you?”
“No.”
“Go on.”
“There was an undercurrent of a different friendship to what I’d ever had before, although I had no idea what it was. He asked me one night if I wanted to play truth or dare.” I smile, remembering it as if it were yesterday. “On the fifth truth question, he asked me if I’d ever kissed anyone, and when I said I hadn’t, he admitted that he hadn’t, either.” I swallow the lump in my throat as my eyes rise to meet Elliot’s.
He gives me a reassuring smile.
“He said that…” I frown. Fuck, I hate this.
“Go on.”
“He suggested that we kissed just once… to practice for when we were with a girl.”
“So… you kissed?”
“Not that night but two nights later. One kiss led to a hundred, and before I knew it, we were making out on the bed.”
“How was it for you?”
“Good at the time. Mortifying the next day. I told him I hated him and that it was all a mistake. We agreed to pretend it never happened, but three nights later, it happened again. Only…”
“Only what?”
“It got more heated.”
“How so?”
“He went down on me.”
“Did you ejaculate?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“How were you after that?”
“Confused.” I frown. “I never saw myself getting a blowjob from a guy. It just…” I shake my head as the emotions from back then flood through me. “It was never on my radar.”
“But…?”
“But I liked it.”
“Why?”
“Because it felt forbidden. Like I was being naughty and had this dark, little secret that nobody would ever know of.”
“So, it happened again?”
“Every day for a week.”
“What happened after that?”
“Feelings started to develop between us. He…” I screw up my face as I remember that time. “He got me, and I got him. We never had labels between us. It wasn’t like that because it felt natural, you know?”
Elliot steeples his hands in front of him. “What happened from there?”
“He asked me if I would be his first, and that our time together was over soon and we would never see each other again, but we would always have this. Our secret. I fucked him.”
“So, you top?”
“Always.” I clench my jaw, angered that I had to say that out loud to a complete stranger…. fuck this, I’m never coming back here again. This is mortifying.
“And that was it?”
“No, we fell in love. It was very special between us.”
He smiles softly.
“We began a long-distance relationship where we would spend weekends and every holiday together.”
He sits back and crosses his legs with his notepad and pen in his hand. “Tell me about that period of your life.”
“It was fucked.” I scratch the back of my hair, surprised by the sudden surge of anger that I feel.
“Why is that?”
“I was in a relationship so I didn’t screw around. I didn’t go out much because I hated how women would hit on me all night and I couldn’t give them an explanation as to why I wasn’t into them.”
“Were you attracted to the girls who hit on you?”
“No.”
“Were you attracted to other men during this time?”
I shake my head. “I only wanted Robert. Nobody else ever caught my eye.”
The room falls silent.
“The deal was that when Robert finished college, he was going to transfer to wherever I was working at the time. His job was transferable, mine was not.” I rub the stubble on my chin as I think back to that time.
“Did that happen?”
“No, he didn’t want to come to San Fran.”
“And you did?”
“Yes.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Angry.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I gave up the best part of my life to be loyal to him. I thought we had a future, but in the end, it was all for nothing. I was done.”
“You ended it?”
“Yes.”
“Nathan.” Elliot’s eyes hold mine. “Are you still in love with Robert?”
“No.” I shrug. “I was for a long time but not anymore. We’re friends. He’s openly gay and in a happy relationship.”
“Tell me about your relationships since then.”
I squirm in my seat, uncomfortable with where this is going. “I haven’t had one.”
Elliot’s eyes narrow. “Not one?”
“I’ve had sex, obviously, but I haven’t met anybody I would want long term.”
“So, you have one night stands?”
“What does this have to do with the reason I’m here?” I snap in exasperation. “I don’t see why this is relevant. Next question.”
“No.” Elliot’s eyes
hold mine. “I’ll repeat: do you have one night stands?”
I glare at him. “I have regular casual partners.”
“How long do you see the same person?”
I shrug. “A few months.”
“Until?”
“Until they fall in love with me.”
“Does love scare you?”
“Nope,” I push out. “I’m just not interested, that’s all.”
“I see.” He writes some points on his paper.
I exhale heavily as I wait for his next step over the line. He leans back in his chair and crosses his legs.
“Tell me about your best friend.” He glances down to his notes to remind himself of her name. “Eliza.”
“What do you want to know?”
“When did you meet?”
“We started work at the same hospital on the same day. We met in the cafeteria. Something clicked, and we became friends.”
He scribbles some notes and looks up at me. “This is around the time you broke up with Robert, yes?”
I nod. “That’s right. Like two months later or something.”
“Tell me about her.”
I raise my eyebrows. Where do I start? “She is goofy, clumsy, and she can’t cross the street without nearly getting herself run over. She loses her phone and keys all the time.” I think for a moment. “She has the most beautiful dimples when she smiles; her whole face lights up.” I pause for a moment as I picture her. “She’s a great cook. The best, actually.” I smile wistfully. “I have leftovers for lunch every day.” I twist my fingers in my lap as I try to think of something else to say. “She writes in a diary every night and sometimes, when she’s in the shower, I read it.”
Elliot rests his hand on his chin as he listens.
“She has the purest heart of anyone I’ve ever met.” I drop my head. “She puts everyone else’s needs before her own, especially mine.” I smile sadly. “She’s a pediatric nurse.”
“Nathan,” Elliot says quietly. “Why is your attraction to her so abhorrent to you?”
My eyes meet his. “Because she is everything to me. I can’t lose her.” My heart constricts in my chest. “Just the thought of not having her by my side is…”
“Why do you think you would lose her?”
“We’re not… it’s never been like that between us.” I frown. “She doesn’t think of me like that and…”
“And what?’
“I’m a lot to handle… sexually.”