by T L Swan
“Do you have any checked luggage?” She smiles.
“No, just carry on.” He looks around impatiently.
She eyes Nathan. I can tell she’s thinking what a handsome bastard he is. For once, I can actually agree with someone. His bastardness really is eclipsing his handsomeness today.
She prints our tickets, and he tucks them into the inside pocket of his suit jacket. “Thank you, have a good night.” He marches off.
I give her an embarrassed smile. “He’s not my boyfriend,” I whisper.
She widens her eyes in a thank god symbol. “Have a good weekend.”
“I’ll try.”
Nathan stops still at the gate, and I walk past him. “Why are you so rude?”
“I waited for you, what are you talking about?”
I keep walking past him. “I meant to her, you jerk.”
We go straight to our usual bar. We fly a lot between my parents and his parents and all his work conferences. We know the drill.
We both take a seat at the bar. “What will it be?” the bartender asks.
“I’ll have a Blue Label scotch and a margarita, please!” Nathan orders.
“Sure thing.” The bartender gets to making our drinks and we both stay silent.
“What did he want?” Nathan eventually asks.
“Who?” I frown.
“Don’t act dumb, Eliza, it’s pissing me off.”
“Will you stop it?” I whisper angrily. “Samuel told me to have a good weekend, that’s all. I don’t even like him, Nathan, so stop carrying on about it.”
“You don’t like him?”
“We ate lunch together, and to be honest, there was no chemistry. I don’t know him well enough to decide yet.”
“He’s a dick.”
I let out a heavy sigh, honestly this man is impossible.
Nathan is the most complicated person I know, and when someone is aggressive toward him, his natural instinct is to fire it straight back. He’s like a mirror projecting your reflection, and I know the only way to ease his temper is to ease my tone.
“Then, stop it.” I put my hand on his on the bar to try and calm him. “We are going away for the weekend, why are we fighting all the time lately? Why are you being such a jerk?”
He looks down at our hands.
“Nathe, I’ve missed you this week, and I don’t want to spend the weekend fighting about crap.”
He turns his hand over and takes mine in his. “Me neither.” He sighs sadly, and he picks up my hand and kisses my fingertips.
I smile. There he is. My sweet man is back.
“Why are you so angry with me?” I whisper.
“I’m not angry with you.” His eyes search mine. “I’m angry with myself.”
“Why?”
“Here you go.” The bartender puts our drinks in front of us.
“Thank you,” we both reply.
“I took advantage of you when you were drunk,” Nathan says quietly.
“What?” I frown. “No, you didn’t.”
“I did, Eliza. By letting me into your bed, you trust me with your body and I betrayed that trust.”
I smile up at my beautiful best friend, always so gallant in looking after me. “Nathe…” I lean up and kiss his cheek. I’ve missed the feel of his stubble against my skin. “We are a team, you and I. I know you would never take advantage of me. I was there, remember? I was tipsy, too. We just got a little carried away and lost in the moment. That’s all.”
I stare up at him and brush the hair back from his forehead. His big blue eyes search mine before they drop to the floor. “I can’t fuck this up between us, Lize. Our friendship means everything to me.”
“You won’t, it was one time. It’s okay, I promise you that I don’t think anything of it. It’s okay.”
He puts his arms around me and pulls me to him. I smile as he holds me, but after a while, an uneasiness fills me.
There’s an edge to his grip, and it feels like fear.
“Baby, what’s going on?” I whisper.
“Everything,” he whispers as he pulls away and his eyes search mine. “Everything’s changing.”
He’s anxious about me starting to date again, or maybe it’s just Samuel. I put my hand on his thigh to reassure him. “Nathe, we will never change.”
“Promise me.” He cups my face in his hand and dusts his thumb over my bottom lip as he stares at me. “Promise me that whatever happens in our life, we will always be close.”
I smile softly up at my beautiful man. “I promise.”
My face is cupped in his hand, his eyes hold mine, and then they slowly drift down to my lips.
My heart stops.
Is he going to kiss me?
We stare at each other in the airport bar, surrounded by people, and I have no idea what’s going on here.
Time stands still, and I lean closer.
“Do you want another one?” the bartender interrupts. We jump back from each other. My heart is racing, and I frown, totally dishevelled. I pick up my glass and drain it. “Yes, please.”
Nathan picks up his drink and drains his scotch. We sit in silence for a while as we stare straight ahead. I’m rattled.
He’s rattled.
I think we just had a moment.
Maybe, I imagined it.
We couldn’t have had a moment—that’s impossible.
I’m not the right sex for Nathan.
I go over the last few days in my head and if Nathan wasn’t the way he is, I would swear something is happening between us. The jealousy, the touching, the longing stares and the fights.
The bartender puts my drink in front of me, and I pick it up and take a huge gulp.
I look over at Nathan and fake a smile. Sadness creeps into my heart.
The sooner I start dating someone else, the better. I think I’m falling for my best friend.
And this can only end badly. A sense of dread fills me because I know that we could never be like that. No matter how much we care for each other, it just can’t be.
My best friend’s love is completely unobtainable.
Nathan stares down at his fingers on the bar, his face solemn, and I think he knows it, too.
The car pulls up out the front of the grand house. We are in Vermont at Nathan’s parents’ farm. We flew into New York and got onto a connecting flight. Now, it’s the middle of the night.
Nathan and I have been quiet, both lost in our own thoughts.
On the plane, I rested on his shoulder while he read his book but my eyes weren’t closed and I could see that he didn’t turn the page for the entire six hours.
What was he thinking about?
Maybe that’s why he was so upset that we crossed the line. Maybe he could sense something that I haven’t up until today.
Nathan gets our things out of the trunk of the rental car, and the front door of the house opens. His mom and dad come out to greet us.
“Eliza.” Phyllis smiles as she wraps me in her arms. “Oh, it’s so good to have you both home.”
“My turn, woman.” Neil laughs as he swats her away. Nathan’s father wraps me in his arms. “How’s my favorite girl?”
I giggle as he squeezes the life out of me.
“I’m right here, you know?” Nathan says dryly, holding out his hands.
“Oh, darling, so you are.” Phyllis laughs. “Come here.”
He hugs her with a big smile, and then he shakes his dad’s hand.
“Come in, come in.” Neil ushers us inside.
“Why are you two up so late?” Nathan asks.
“We were in bed but set the alarm,” Phyllis says.
Nathan rolls his eyes. “We can let ourselves in, Mom.”
“I know, darling. I just wanted to make sure you got in safe. I’ll let you get to bed now; you must be both exhausted.”
“We are, thank you.” He kisses his mom and shakes his dad’s hand again. “Good to be home. We’ll see you in the morning.”
“You got it. I brought my runners.”
I follow Nathan up the stairs and into our room. It’s gorgeous here—a huge property. It’s a beautiful house with rolling green hills all around. We always stay in the same room in the guest wing. It’s separate from the rest of the house. It has its own bathroom and a huge king bed with all the trimmings.
Nathan puts the suitcases down and rubs his hands over his thighs. His eyes rise to mine. He seems nervous.
“I’m going to go downstairs and make a cup of tea,” I say. “Do you want anything?”
“No, thank you. I’ll take a shower, I’m beat.”
I go downstairs and make my tea. The rest of the family have gone to bed so I sit at the kitchen island counter for a while. I’m grappling with everything. My head is spinning.
Confusion.
Why am I feeling like this about him?
Why now, after all this time, does it feel different between us?
Did we have a moment at the airport?
I drop my head into my hands. I’m just so confused.
Fifteen minutes later, I go back up to bed to find the room in darkness, lit only by the lamps. Nathan is shirtless in bed. I can see every muscle in his torso and shoulders.
His big blue eyes meet mine across the room, and my stomach flutters.
What the fuck is going on?
“I’m going to take a shower.” I fake a smile.
With a racing heart, I put my hair up in a top bun and get under the water. I have it so hot that it tingles my skin.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I shower and brush my teeth, and I put on the pretty pink nightdress that Nathan’s parents bought me for Christmas before I walk out.
Nathan’s eyes lift from his book, and he watches me get into bed.
I wonder has he turned the page yet?
I get in and pull the blankets up. Nathan rolls onto his side toward me and leans up onto his elbow.
We stare at each other, and something hangs in the air between us.
Longing…
I’m longing for him to touch me again, and I want to stand up and take off my nightdress.
I want him to see me. I want him to want me.
Where the fuck is this coming from?
Nathan’s dark eyes drink me in. His stare is hungry, wanting, and eventually he whispers, “Have you ever wanted something so badly that you can taste it?”
Goosebumps scatter up the back of my neck.
“Like you might just fucking die, if you don’t get it,” he breathes.
My heart begins to race.
What’s he talking about?
I stay silent.
He cups my face in his hand and stares down at me. His thumb dusts over my bottom lip for the second time tonight, and my heart feels like it stops.
“Say something,” he whispers.
My eyes search his, but I have no words. I have to be reading this wrong.
He doesn’t like women.
“What do you want me to say?” I whisper.
He stares at me for a moment, and then his brow furrows. Without another word, he flops back onto his pillow and exhales heavily. “Don’t worry about it.”
We stay silent for a few minutes until, eventually, he rolls over and turns his back to me.
I watch him, unsure what to say. You could cut the air between us with a knife. It’s thick with tension, filled with angst.
“Goodnight, Eliza.” He sighs.
I close my eyes in regret. I don’t know what he wanted me to say, but I obviously didn’t get it right.
“Goodnight, Nathan.”
9
Eliza
There’s a knock at the door.
I frown as I try to focus my eyes. “Hello?” I call.
The door opens, and Neil comes into view. “Ready for our walk, Eliza?”
I smile. “Sure am.” It’s our little ritual when I’m here. Neil gives me the walking tour around the property and shows me all the baby animals that have been born since I was here last. I glance over and notice Nathan isn’t in bed with me.
“Give me a minute to get dressed, I’ll be right down.” I smile.
“Sure thing. I’ll put the coffee on.” He disappears down the stairs, and I get up and peer into the bathroom. “Nathe?”
He’s not here. I open the door and look down the hallway, left and right. It’s still nearly dark. Where would he go?
I walk down the hallway and notice a bedroom door is closed. I slowly open the door and peek in.
Nathan is asleep in the bed.
My heart drops. He didn’t want to sleep with me.
I quietly close the door and tiptoe back down the hall to sit on the edge of my bed in the semi-dark room. I drop my head in sadness.
He didn’t want to sleep with me.
Nathan
My mother’s laugh rings out through the house, and I stop on the spot and listen for a moment. She loves Eliza. Both her and Dad beam with happiness when she is home.
Home. What a joke. This isn’t her home, this is my home, and she’s not my girlfriend. I need to stop this fucking nonsense before I drive her away forever.
I walk to the doorway of the kitchen and lean on the doorjamb as I watch them.
Eliza is wearing an apron that my mother bought her for her birthday one year. She’s chopping up vegetables and smiling as she talks.
“Yes, you wouldn’t believe the things that people get fixed. The other day, someone had their labia cut off. Well, trimmed, actually.”
“Oh God, like with scissors?” Jessica, my brother’s girlfriend, winces.
“I think so.” Eliza shrugs.
“Are you serious? Can you imagine how much that would frigging hurt?” Jessica is sitting at the stool icing cupcakes while my mom is mixing something in a bowl. They listen as Eliza relays the ins and outs of her new job.
“And what’s your new boss like?” Mom asks her.
“He’s really nice.” Eliza smiles. “Although, I got the wrong idea about him in the interview.”
“Why?” Jessica asks.
Eliza stops chopping. “He’s just really forward, and I kind of got the feeling that he liked me.”
What?
She goes back to chopping and shrugs. “But now I realize that he’s just super upfront and doesn’t mince his words. He has no mouth to brain filter at all, so if he thinks something, he just blurts it out.”
“What did he say that made you think that he liked you?” Mom asks.
“He told me that he didn’t think he could hire me because he found me attractive.”
What the fuck?
I step back from the door so I can listen, unnoticed. Who says that in an interview? I get a vision of strangling Henry fucking Morgan.
How dare he?
“What?” Mom splutters with a giggle. “That’s so inappropriate.”
Eliza laughs. “I know, right? I was so shocked at the time, but I know now that it was just a misunderstanding.”
Fury begins to pump through my veins.
“But I told him that Nathan was my boyfriend so he knows I’m not interested,” Eliza adds.
Mom laughs. “Oh, wouldn’t that be something? You and Nathan together. All of my prayers would be answered.”
Jessica laughs. “I’ll say, although being married to a plastic surgeon would have its perks, too. You could design your own body. What would you get done if you could have anything? Like, anything in the world. I think I’d have a nose job.”
“Oh, I’d get a boob lift, for sure,” Mom replies. “I’ve always wanted one.”
Their line of conversation moves onto plastic surgery and its horror stories, and I walk out into the back yard.
Henry Morgan likes her.
What the fuck? He likes her.
I knew it. I just want to punch something, hard.
“What’s wrong
with you?” my brother Alex asks. “Looks like you want to kill someone.”
“It’s tempting.”
“Who’s tempting?” He laughs.
“You boys going to go into town and pick up that alcohol order for me?” Dad calls. “Can you swing by the rental place and pick up that extra canopy? I’m going to tack it on the side here. Rain is predicted for later tonight. It won’t take us long to get it up, and it’s better to be safe than sorry.”
“Yeah,” I call. “Okay, text me the address.”
Half an hour later, I’m sitting at the bar with Alex.
“What is it?” he asks.
“What’s what?” I sip my beer.
“What’s wrong with you?”
I shrug. He knows whenever something is wrong with me, usually before I do. He’s the only person I talk to, and he knows me better than anyone.
I can’t hide from him.
“Shit’s been going down.”
“What shit? ”
I shrug, I don’t want to say it out loud.
“Shit with Eliza?”
My eyes shoot to his. “What makes you say that?”
“You like her, don’t you?”
“She’s my friend.”
“Friends don’t watch their friends like you watch her.”
I frown. “How do I watch her?”
“I was watching you at breakfast—could almost read your mind. You want her, don’t you?”
I clench my jaw, angered that I didn’t hide it better. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me lately.” I sigh sadly.
“Why, what’s happened?”
“I don’t know, man.” I rub my forehead in frustration. “I’ve started having these… thoughts… about her.”
“Sexual?”
I nod.
“For how long?”
I exhale heavily. “A while ago things changed between us. But just lately I’ve got a raging boner every time I’m with her. It’s like I’m barely hanging on to control.”
“What did she say about it?”
“She doesn’t know. Fuck!” I widen my eyes. “Are you stupid?”
“What changed between you?”
I frown at him, not understanding the question.
“You said that a while ago that things changed between you, so what changed?”