by M. Clarke
The sky was clear and a few clouds painted across my view on the way to the gym. It was a beautiful sunny day and the warmth from the sun shone upon the land, but I felt nothing but bitterness. To me, the sky was gray with ominous clouds ready to scream and roar with thunder and slash out with lightning. That was how I felt inside.
I couldn’t remember how I got to the gym, but I found myself at the front, looking for Elijah. He had texted me to let me know he would be there that afternoon. Gazing around, I saw him on the elliptical. Already dressed in my gym gear, I crammed my stuff inside the locker and shoved the key into my back pocket. Planting myself next to Elijah, I started riding.
“Hey.” Elijah tilted his head with a grin.
“Hey,” I said back.
Immediately, without me saying another word, Elijah asked me a question, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I answered, feeling sweat trickle down the back of my neck. I was riding harder and faster than I’d ever done. I was starting to sweat at a record speed.
Elijah took a sip from his bottle, then wiped his face with the towel draped around his neck. “Something is wrong. It’s Josie, right?”
“Who told you?” I panted, feeling my heart working in overdrive.
“No one has to tell me, Seth. You’re riding that machine like you want to break it. And you also forgot your water bottle.”
I inhaled a deep breath and started to slow down until I completely stopped and my breathing was steady. When Elijah stopped too, I told him everything. Starting from sixth grade, the first kiss, where and when we made out, how I felt about her, about the guy she was with, and what had happened yesterday.
“I’m so sorry. I guess I misread Josie. She seemed so—I mean, I could tell she wasn’t innocent like Alex, but I didn’t think she could be that heartless.” Elijah paused. “Forget about her. The one that’s meant to be is out there waiting for you.”
It was easier said than done. “Well, I thought she could’ve been the one. Maybe obsessing about why she left and never came back all these years had me in a whirlwind. And when she came back into my life, it was like a second chance in the making, but maybe it was just one-sided.”
“I don’t know. It seemed like she was into you. Unless she’s a cold, heartless bitch, something isn’t right.”
I ignored Elijah’s words and asked a question, “Have you ever wanted someone so bad that it hurts?” I shook my head for being an idiot, especially when Elijah cocked an eyebrow at me.
“Seriously? You need to ask me that question when you know my history with Alex?”
“That’s how screwed in the head I am. I wanted her so much. I wanted Josie. The first time in a very long time I really cared for someone, and this happened.”
“So then, what’s next? She’s still Lexy’s roommate. She’s still Lexy’s friend. You’re going to run into her. What’s your plan?”
“It will be easier when I leave. Sara is going back next week, and so am I. My mom is actually going to visit Simon in New York. It worked out perfectly. I didn’t want her to be alone all of a sudden.”
“That’s great. How’s she doing?” Elijah asked before taking another sip. Watching him drink made me thirsty.
“A lot better,” I said, feeling thankful. “I don’t think she’ll ever be back to herself, but at least I know she’ll be okay when I leave. I’m planning to come home a lot more than I have been in the past.”
“Good. I’m glad. Then I get to see you a lot more too.” He grinned. “If you don’t have plans for lunch, come over. Alex is cooking her special spaghetti and cookies.”
How could I say no to that?
Elijah opened the door and I trailed behind him. Only having had a banana and a protein bar before working out, I was starved beyond words. After stepping into his condo, the aroma of Alex’s cooking spiraled out of control through my nose. Ever since Alex moved in the second time around and they were taking their relationship to the next level, it looked inviting and homey; from the decorative floral pillows on the sofas, the photo frames placed around the living room, to the paintings on the walls. It felt like home.
“Hey, Alex,” I greeted without seeing her, knowing she was in the kitchen.
Alex embraced me as soon as she came out. “Thanks for everything,” she murmured in my ear. Her hair brushing against my face reminded me of the softness of Josie’s hair.
“Anything for the both of you.” I squeezed back.
Alex’s turquoise eyes twinkled back at me when she let go. “You’re so sweet.” Then her arms immediately found Elijah and so did her lips.
“Seth, kick up your feet and relax. Dinner is almost ready,” Alex said, backing away from Elijah.
While Elijah and Alex went to the kitchen, I plopped on the sofa.
“Here.” Elijah handed me an open bottle of beer.
“Thanks.” I took it and flipped through the channels.
After the table was set, I took a seat across from Elijah. “Thanks, Alex.” A smile lit up my face. “You know how much I love your spaghetti.”
“Everybody does,” Elijah cooed. “I think Lexy will be stopping by later.”
My shoulders tensed at the thought, not because of Lexy, but because Lexy had now become tied to Josie. Being roommates and friends, they were bound to invite each other to places.
Elijah must have seen the unpleasant look on my face. He jumped in again. “Just Lexy. I told her only her.” He then shifted to Alex. “I’ll explain later.”
Alex nodded without a word and smiled when her eyes met mine. That’s when I noticed her engagement ring. I’d seen it before, but it looked even more beautiful and sparkly on her finger.
I swallowed my bite of spaghetti and asked, “Does your mom know, Alex?”
“Elijah asked my mom before he asked me.” She took a sip of her milk.
I wanted to smack myself. “Oh yeah.” I snorted. “Elijah told me. I’ve never seen him so nervous in my life.” Feeling a kick to my feet, I scowled at Elijah. “He doesn’t want you to know he can be uncool at times.”
Alex’s body bobbed up and down. Her mouth was so full from the noodles she had just shoved in it that she couldn’t let out her giggle.
“Did Officer Thomas ever find out who broke in?” Elijah asked, twirling his noodles around the fork.
I leaned back into my seat with a sigh. “No, not yet. They might never find out who did it. With no security cameras and no witnesses, it will be nearly impossible. I’m just glad none of the employees were there when it happened, and no one got hurt.”
Alex handed me some garlic bread. “I agree to that.”
“Thanks.” I took the bread and took a bite.
“Do you have your class schedule all in order?” Elijah asked, wiping his mouth with the napkin. “And how is Jimmy? Alex and I plan to visit him when you go back.”
“Really?” I sounded like a child being invited to Disneyland.
“We want to tell him the good news together.” Alex leaned into Elijah, her blue eyes twinkled just for him.
Elijah pressed his lips on her forehead. Before I started getting weirded out, the doorbell rang.
I pushed out my chair and walked to the door. “I’ll get it. It’s probably Lexy.” As soon as I opened the door and before I had a chance to greet her, she shoved herself past me.
“What the hell, Seth?” she asked angrily. “What the hell is wrong with my guy friends? You’re always pushing away the one good thing in your life.” Lexy’s eyes fell on Elijah and Alex. “You did too, Elijah, so don’t say a word. And this idiot is doing the same thing.” She pointed at me.
Elijah cocked a brow at her without a word.
I glared at Lexy as I continued to stand by the door, watching her sit across from Alex. My mouth was open and my eyes were wide. “What are you talking about?” There was only one person she could be talking about, but I didn’t dare say her name.
Lexy dug into the plate of spaghetti Alex had
set on the table for her. “Josie left.”
“What do you mean—left?” Alex was intrigued, pressing her chest into the table as if the secret would spill.
Lexy took a bite and spoke with her mouth full, “Alex, no matter how many times I eat your spaghetti, it feels like it’s the first time. Anyway, when I came home today her room was empty and there were two letters on the table. One for me and one for”—she smacked my arm—“this idiot.”
I frowned at her. “How do you know it was my fault? Maybe she couldn’t stand the fact that you snore so loudly.”
“I do not.” Her tone became softer, lower, and then she shyly turned away.
I sat back down to my unfinished plate. “Did she say anything else?”
“She said she had to take care of her mom, but I can tell by how suddenly she left that it wasn’t really about her mom. It had to be about you. It’s always about a guy. See—” Her hands raised in surrender. “The reason why I stay away from relationships.”
“Give Seth a break, Lexy,” Elijah blurted. “You know Seth isn’t like that. There are always two sides to a story. You should know that.”
I swallowed and glared at Lexy, letting her know I agreed with Elijah. “Maybe it wasn’t what I did, but more what she did. She hurt me, Lexy. I caught her red-handed, kissing another guy at the party, the reason why I left early. I just told you I had to leave so I didn’t have to face her.”
Lexy’s shoulders dropped and so did her mouth. “Holy shit! You’re kidding me?” She took out an envelope from her purse hanging on the chair and slammed it on the table. “That’s for you. For whatever it’s worth, she really liked you. I don’t know what happened, but I’m completely surprised.”
“Forget about it, Seth. You’re going back next week. I’m sure there is a parade of girls that would love to go out with you. You deserve better.” Alex tried to cheer me up, tried to make me see the light, but I couldn’t.
“Maybe,” I grumbled, staring at the letter. Throughout dinner and our conversation afterward, all I could do was stare at the untouched letter. What did she have to say to me? That she was sorry? That she didn’t mean to hurt me? Lies to make herself feel better? I would wonder what we could’ve had. Even though it was in sixth grade, and most likely it wouldn’t have lasted till high school and beyond, it was the thought of “what if,” the mystery of it all that had held my attention through all these years. Now, it felt dirty. And all the wishful wonders simply vanished, leaving me empty and broken.
Seeing that Mom and Sara were in bed, I went straight to my room. I didn’t know why, but I went straight to the little yellow sticky note on my corkboard and ripped it off. Crumpling it in my fist as if I could make the hurt go away, I tossed it in the small trash bin under my desk, but then later I took it out of the trash and placed it back. Ugh! What was wrong with me? Why did this stupid note mean so much to me that I couldn’t throw it away? When I sat on my bed, the envelope I had placed in the back of my pocket poked out. Taking it out, I held it in front of me.
Josie’s handwriting was pretty, and her envelope smelled like roses. The scent brought me back to the memory of when I had devoured her in my dad’s garage and in my mom’s office. I thought about throwing the letter away, but I knew it would haunt me forever. Not now, I thought. I wasn’t ready to read it.
Josie
Brad gave me the most hideous, malicious smirk, letting me know he was more than satisfied. I wanted to take one of the knives from his group of deadbeats and rip his heart out, just like he had with mine. With my trembling hand, I slapped him so hard that my whole arm felt numb. Before he could do anything, I shoved him with strength I didn’t know I had and the force actually moved that rock-hard body of his. With tears I couldn’t control, I raced out of there as fast as my legs could move. I had no recollection of how I got to Lexy’s apartment, but I found myself at the door. I rushed inside with one thought in mind—packing and leaving.
I had no choice. Humiliated, embarrassed, and heartbroken, I yanked my clothes from the hangers, pulled out more from the drawers, and shoved them inside my suitcase. I repeated the same action several times. Too blinded by my tears and too overwhelmed with what had happened, I kept forgetting what I was doing. Seth’s face kept popping into my mind. His emerald-green eyes I loved so much, that once twinkled with affection for me, had been replaced by a disgusted expression.
“Seth. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me,” I sobbed, dropping to my knees. I couldn’t help myself. I sobbed so hard my throat ached, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Seth—how much I’d hurt him, how much I loved him, how much I wanted to be with him. Maybe I should have told him everything and let him reject me. It would have been better that way. At least we could have been friends, but now he hated me.
When I was done packing, I didn’t know what possessed me, except for the fact that I had to let Lexy know I was leaving, I wrote Seth a letter too. Even if he couldn’t stand the sight of me, even if he wanted to erase me out of his memory, I had to tell him everything: my parents, Brad, and especially how much he meant to me. But it was difficult. I couldn’t stop crying. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I was a mess. Where do I start? How do I write my whole life onto a piece of paper? By the time I was done with Seth’s letter, my little trash bin was filled with crumpled papers. Then I attempted to write Lexy’s letter.
Dear Lexy,
I’m sorry for this short notice, but my mom needs me right now. I have to leave town and I don’t know when I’ll be back. Attached is next month’s rent, giving you thirty days’ notice. I wished I could have lived with you longer. You were so sweet to trust me and invite me, not only into your life, but to your amazing group of friends as well. I felt so much love and support when I was with all of you that it’s really hard for me to go. I hope to see you soon under better circumstances.
Friends forever,
Josie
I placed the two letters on the dining table, grabbed my suitcase, and walked out as fast as I could. I dared not look behind me, too afraid that I might change my mind knowing what I was leaving behind…more like who I was leaving behind.
CHAPTER 30
Seth
“I can’t believe I’m going to New York,” Mom beamed, her expression both happy and sad.
Saying good-bye always seemed to be the hardest thing to do. Mom promised to text or call when she arrived in New York. She was only staying two weeks, but I was glad Simon had stepped up and invited her. Mom was so thrilled, and it was good to see her excited. It was the first time I’d seen some life in her face since Dad passed away.
“You’re going to love it, Mom,” Sara encouraged, leading her away from the sliding door so we could talk. People were going in and out, and we didn’t want to get in the way. “This is a great opportunity for you. You’ve never been to a big city before, and you’ve always wanted to go. Now is your chance.”
Mom looked down for a second, her hand on the strap of her purse. “I know.” Her tone suddenly became somber, “Dad and I were going to visit Simon together. Now it’s just me.”
Both of the family businesses had taken so much time and energy from both of my parents that they hardly had time to go on vacation. Putting us through college and making sure they were saving for their retirement meant they were careful when it came to spending.
“Dad is loving that you’re going, and even though you can’t see him, he’s going with you.” Words slipped out of my mouth and I had no idea what I was saying. Seeing Mom’s wide smile, I knew I had said the right thing.
“Come here, you two.” Mom stretched out her arms and wrapped them around us. Her hugs were always the same—warm, protective, and they made me feel like a little boy. “I’m so lucky to have such caring and loving children. Thank you so much for being here for me. I know it wasn’t easy. Not only was I grieving for my husband, but you were grieving for your father; however, you were here for me. You
don’t know how happy you made me feel by just being there.” Hearing sniffles in between Mom’s words, I couldn’t help but get a little teary.
“I love you, Mom.” Sara pulled away to wipe her tears, while I looked away, hiding mine.
“Now—” Mom started to say and paused, “—it’s my turn to be there for you.” She tenderly patted my face and Sara’s. “It’s time that I start acting like a mother. I’m going to start by saying this: Dad will always be right there.” Mom pressed her palms on each of our chests, then gripped our arms. “He loved you very much. He doesn’t want to see you sad. There will be times when you will cry for no reason. There will be times when you feel like your heart is going to break because you miss your father, but that’s okay. Don’t keep it locked inside you. It will only hurt more. Hold on to the good times. He wants you to remember the happy memories. Think of those things and smile.”
Sara and I nodded, feeling her love, and especially feeling Dad’s love.
“Have a good time with Simon,” I said, giving her a hug. Sara was next when I pulled away. “Hopefully one day, the three of us can visit him.”
Mom’s eyes twinkled with happiness, smiling from ear to ear. “I would love that. I’ll bring it up with Simon. Now, I guess I better get going. Can’t miss my flight.”
Sara and I helped Mom check in. After she got her boarding pass, we walked together as far as we could.
“Have a safe flight home, the both of you. Make sure to text or call me.” She gazed from Sara to me, and blew us a kiss.
“Bye, Mom. Have a safe flight,” Sara and I both said, waving.
“Let’s go home, little one,” I teased Sara when we could no longer see Mom. Wrapping my arm around her shoulders, I tugged her along. We were both heading our separate ways tomorrow. Today was my special day with my little sis, and I planned on making the most of it.