by Anne O'Brien
The evidence of his desire for me was formidable.
“Do you like what you see, Mistress Alice?” he asked.
I flushed brightly, realizing that I had been staring with open admiration.
“I like it very well,” I replied as calmly as I could. “I can only pray that you will find me as pleasing to the eye and the senses.”
“I’ll let you know! For now, my pleasure in your company is obvious to us both.”
So I lost my virginity to Edward Plantagenet, King of England. It was not an unpleasant experience, and my trembling was from neither fear nor pain. I followed his lead and was brave enough to return his caresses with my own. Sometimes I allowed my own needs, when I recognized them, to prompt a kiss or a caress. Sometimes I made him hold his breath.
He liked it.
And how did I feel? Edward made me feel desired. For the first time in all my seventeen years he made me feel valued, beautiful, even when I knew I was neither. I clung to him, drowning in his embrace.
“How did our lives cross, Alice?” he asked when passion had ebbed.
Your loving wife had something to do with it.
I shook my head.
“We keep this between us,” he murmured, “and Wykeham, who’s to be trusted.”
“Yes.”
Wykeham will damn me rather than you!
And so it was begun: this strange ménage a trois, with the Queen a silent partner who neither needed nor wanted to know more than she did, and Edward unaware of his wife’s complicity. I would keep the secrets of both. And when his hands explored and his body possessed, we tacitly agreed to keep the Queen distant from the room and the bed. We did not speak of her. Enough time tomorrow to allow guilt to creep in. For now the fluid strength of his body, the slide of heated skin against heated skin, occupied all my thoughts.
At the end Edward fell asleep, the fingers of one hand interlaced with mine, but I lay awake, considering the responses of my body. What was love? Love, I suspected, was whatever Edward felt toward Philippa. Perhaps he loved me too in his way, unless it was merely lust. But did I love Edward? Perhaps I fell in love with him a little, if admiration and respect and loyalty amounted to love. My belly clenched with longing when he kissed me, when his hands stroked down my breast to the dip of my waist. I was overwhelmed by his glamour, that this was the King of England who wanted me enough to throw caution to the winds and own me.
Perhaps that was love after all.
Later—how many hours later, for time had no meaning—Wykeham escorted me back to the antechamber in the Queen’s rooms. It was the same journey, in reverse, but even more spiked with his loathing of what had been done. He was beyond censure. He bowed and left me at the door, not even opening it for me, the bow an empty gesture that denied any courtesy.
I had forfeited all his approval. I suspect he thought I had forfeited my soul.
A page returned me to my room, where the damsels slept on in ignorance.
A new day and early sunshine filtered into the room as if it were an ordinary day. I washed my hands and face from the ewer of cold water, flinching from the chill. A day like any other day, and yet not so. I dressed hurriedly before my two companions were astir, with the ready excuse that the Queen might need me if she was still in pain, to give her the strength to attend Mass in her chapel.
What would I say to her? I knew only that I must see her, to learn what she might find to say to me in the cold light of day. Last night was a time of tension and high drama, when we had both allowed emotion to rule. Today might be a time for regret. The Queen might consider my dismissal a just punishment for what I had done, and, in truth, I could not blame her. I must know. I hurried to her rooms, only to be informed by her tire-woman that she had risen even earlier than I—was that a bad sign or good?—and was already at prayer. I slipped into the chapel. No priest was there, but the Queen knelt before the altar, clasping the altar rail to steady herself. I sank to my knees just within the entrance. I would wait. It seemed to me that the fair face of the statue of the Holy Virgin was particularly austere.
“Alice…”
The Queen’s private devotions were complete. I stood, moving quickly toward the altar to help her to her feet.
“Well?” Her eyes were bright and aware. The pain was less this morning.
“It is done, Majesty.”
“It was…satisfactory?”
“Yes.”
How few words, so inconsequential in themselves, to encompass so momentous an act. Any deliberate eavesdropper would have abandoned us for meatier gossip.
“He will…he will send for you again?”
“Yes, my lady.”
“Good. We will not speak of this again.”
A strange relief trickled through my blood, that this three-stranded interweaving might not be impossible, if I had the skill to keep the secrets of both and remain true to each. Perhaps I could be loyal to both Philippa and Edward, betraying neither, harming neither.…But still the claws of treachery fastened in my flesh. I felt the rip of them as the Queen turned her gaze away from her husband’s whore.
When the door opened, disturbing the air so that the candles wavered wildly, we both looked ’round, expecting a priest. And in a heartbeat the serene, ageless atmosphere of the chapel became heated with fury. It was written on her face, in every gesture. She barely waited to approach us before her voice rang out. For here was Isabella.
“God’s Wounds! How could you…!”
She covered the distance with long strides, kicking aside her skirts. I thought her attack was for me, but Isabella swept past me as if I were detritus beneath her feet and pounced on her mother.
“Why are you here with her? Do you know what she’s done? Wykeham will not talk—at least he’s loyal and will keep his mouth shut about this family’s affairs—but he was seen last night—with her! And do you know where he took her?” She all but spit the words, her beautiful face contorted. “She has betrayed you. Your little gutter sweepings, rescued from nonentity and squalor, spent last night in the King’s rooms! In his bed, I presume! And here you are, all but holding her hands!”
“Isabella…!” the Queen remonstrated, to no avail.
“You didn’t even know, did you? Don’t touch her! She is a vile serpent!” And Isabella struck out at me, making contact with her hand against my shoulder with a forceful blow, so surprising me that I lost my balance and fell against the altar rail. “You will dismiss her. Do you hear me? And if you will not, I’ll arrange it myself!”
“I hear you, Isabella.” The Queen sighed.
“Look at her!” Isabella turned on me and snarled as I dragged myself upright. Prudently I stepped away as the Princess’s fingers curled into claws. “You have dressed her and polished her until she’s halfway presentable. And what has she done? Warmed your husband’s bed. As for the King…! Is no man honorable? After all you have given him—the respect, the children. I despise him! But I despise you more, little Alice from the gutter!”
“Isabella! You will be silent!” If I had thought Philippa’s dignity a thing of amazement last night, today she was glorious in facing her furious daughter. “I know exactly…”
“She has cheated you! She has turned the gold of your generosity into dross! She should be flogged!” Isabella advanced on me once more.
“I have not cheated.” I would not retreat again, even at the risk of Isabella’s ire, but my fear was lively.
The Queen in timely manner grasped her daughter’s sleeve. “Isabella!”
“You’re not going to make excuses for her, are you?”
“No. I am going to make them for myself.”
“I don’t understand you.”
“Then curb your passions, and listen. I know exactly what passed between my husband and Alice. Listen to me, my daughter. Forget your sense of ill usage and injustice. This is the reality.” The Queen waited until Isabella had regained at least a semblance of calm. “What do you think? Am I capable of fu
lfilling my duty to your father?”
“Your duty…?” Isabella looked as if she would rather not discuss it. “I don’t see…”
“Yes, you do see it. Every day you see it. You are not a fool, Isabella. I am incapable of turning back the sheets on my bed for your father. That is the brutal truth.”
“That’s not…”
“If you were going to say something so foolish as ‘that’s not important,’ you’re no daughter of mine. It is always important. Your father is the man he ever was. Do I condemn him to a lifetime of abstinence because I cannot…cannot…” She brushed aside the words she could not speak. “Do you understand me, Isabella?”
“Yes!” Isabella’s fair skin was flushed.
“And if I cannot give him what he needs…”
“You would procure a mistress for your own husband?” Isabella’s disbelief was as strong as mine had been. That gentle, loving Philippa should give her blessing to her husband’s lover. “Why not let him take a palace whore? There are enough of them willing to lift their skirts.…”
“No. Before God, Isabella! You try my patience. If it has to be, I would rather it be someone I know and trust.…”
How I detested this! In that moment I saw the truth. There was nothing new to learn of the Queen’s motives here in this confrontation between Queen and Princess. Had she not bared her soul to me, in all its agony, the previous night? Yet hearing her state the words again made my blood chill. In spite of my loyalty to the Queen I was forced to acknowledge that I was being used. Snarled over like a bone between two royal curs. It was like the creation of an entirely new tapestry, stitched with clever fingers to reveal the whole before my eyes. Better for the King to sleep with an unimportant domicella than with a highborn titled lady who would use her position to sneer at the Queen’s failure as she crowed over her success in bedding the King.
Degradation lapped over me, bitter as the leaves of hyssop. I might have sympathy with the Queen’s motives, but the role that had been created for me was a wretched one. I was a creature, a pawn, to be moved around the chessboard at the whim of the player. And what a skilled player the Queen was. How long, before her eye fell on me, had she been plotting this deep scenario to preserve the Plantagenets from dangerous scandal?
“Could you not find a more acceptable bedmate than this?” Isabella continued to rage, stabbing her finger at me.
Nor, I realized, my blood now humming with my own brand of anger, did I appreciate this exchange of opinion that stormed over me as if I were invisible. I was not the same powerless woman that I had been yesterday.
You are the King’s mistress. You are no longer invisible. Nor are you voiceless. You have his ear. He wants you to come to him again. You do not have to tolerate this. You have a power of your own.…
The words revolved and repeated like the cogs of Edward’s precious clock.
“You will pretend you know nothing, Isabella. You will treat Alice with the respect she deserves for her obedience to me. Do you understand me?” The Queen was laying down her directives with the precision of an army commander.
“And you trust her?” Unimpressed, unmoved, Isabella flung a contempt that would have coated my skin in shame if my fury had not built mightily from a hum to a roar in my belly. “What else will she get from him? What gifts will she persuade my besotted father to give to her?”
How much more of this could I withstand? As hot as I was, the Queen was glacial.
“What do you mean?” she demanded.
“She’ll not do it for nothing. What whore does? Jewels, money—a title even.”
“And if she does gain material benefit? If Edward chooses to reward her with gifts…”
“You’re wrong, Maman! You’re making the gravest mistake of your life.”
“Not so! It’s the best decision I have ever made.”
I could remain a silent onlooker no longer. “Stop!”
My voice sounded weak even to me. I might as well not have spoken.
“It is an obscenity.…That she should act as one of your simpering maids of the bedchamber and slither into your husband’s bed at the same time.” Isabella was beyond subtlety. “I’ll not trim it with the words and gestures of romance. It’s lust, and you should be ashamed to encourage it.”
Enough! After my night with him, I could not bear that Edward be discussed in this manner. This time I raised my voice, caring nothing for the words I used in the presence of royal blood.
“Be silent!”
They looked at me, as startled as if the carved figure of the Virgin herself had come to life and spoken.
“I’ll not be squabbled over like a piece of meat on a butcher’s slab.” There were things that must be said to Isabella. “Have you no respect for your father, the King? You denigrate him, defile him with crude words. Does he not have enough enemies across the sea to do that, without his own beloved daughter slandering him? His will is law in England, and you speak of him as if he were a toothless lion, an aging man who can be pushed and maneuvered at the will of others. Is he so weak that he needs his wife to arrange for a woman to warm his bed? I say he does not. I say his blood is high and his spirit great.” I took a breath. I think I had never made so long a speech. “You do the King and yourself no honor. He is at the beck and call of no man. And I deny that he took a mistress at the behest of the Queen.”
“Well…!” Isabella sought for words.
“I have not finished,” I continued, my voice strengthening with conviction. “I will say what needs saying. You may consider me despicable, my lady, yet you will hear me. I am the King’s mistress.” How strange it sounded to say it aloud. I lifted my chin and held her gaze. “He chose me. He sent for me, and I will play the part with honor. I will be discreet as long as His Majesty wishes me to fulfill that role. I will not draw attention to what I do—that is in the King’s gift. I will ask for nothing, take nothing but what the King gives me. If he wishes to reward me, then so be it. It is his decision. For myself, I will be loyal. I will not gossip or spread unseemly calumny. And I will continue to serve the Queen in every way I can. For as long as she wishes it.”
Slowly Isabella’s lips curved, an expression of sour acknowledgment. “Well, now. The whore has found its voice. I must curtsy to you.” She did so, all mockery.
“You may mock me, my lady, but this is the King’s wish—and the Queen’s. From this day I am the King’s lover.”
Isabella’s eyes flashed. “And if the Queen, with some judicious thought over her poor choice for a King’s whore, objects to your new Court position? If I object…”
I lifted my shoulders in a perfect, elegant shrug. “I wish you no ill will, my lady, but I serve the King first and the Queen second. And I think your wishes are irrelevant.”
“We’ll see about that!” And Isabella marched from the chapel.
I was left to the mercy of the Queen. How could I have been so insolent, so careless of the difficulties of my new status? I waited for Philippa’s judgment.
“Alice!” She laughed shakily. “Well, I was right in my choice. You are intrepid enough—more than enough if you will challenge my daughter. King’s lover, indeed…What a magnificent defense you made for the King.”
She did not despise me, or if she did, she hid it well. Tears glinted momentarily on her seamed cheeks until she wiped them away. “Have you courage enough to withstand the hostility of the Court?”
With shocking naïveté, I had not considered the answer to that question. “We will be discreet,” I said with more confidence than I felt.
“I’m sure you will. But it cannot be kept secret forever. And Isabella will be your adversary. I’ll keep her from doing too much damage, but she is willful.…”
“And Wykeham is no longer my friend.” I sighed.
“Can you live with that?”
I thought about it, my anger ebbing as I stood at the foot of the Virgin, who would surely condemn us both for casting this marriage into adultery. What an
impossible burden for me to shoulder. The King’s love. The Queen’s respect. And then the vilification from those who knew. The loss of Wykeham’s regard. Did I have the courage? Whether I took little or much from Edward’s generous hand, I would still be damned as the adulterous enemy. Not the King for his uncontrollable lust. Not Queen Philippa for her connivance worthy of a sinful daughter of Eve. Only I would be anathema.
I studied the serene painted face, but the Holy Mother gave me no guidance.
I had promised Isabella that I would take only what the King offered me. And so I would. But the possibilities were suddenly far beyond my imagining. Woven through this complex tapestry I saw the strand of my own future. It could be as strong as steel if I had the will and the boldness to make it so. It glinted gold in the weaving. I thought, if stitched with a clever hand, it could shine as bright as the sun at midday, or the stars in the Virgin’s crown. On the other hand, Edward might fall out of desire for me within the week and take a different whore to his bed. I would once again be cast into the pool of insecurity.
I gave a little shrug. I must make sure that he did not. I was young, and not without resources, it seemed.
“What is it?” the Queen asked. “You were smiling.”
“Was I? I did not know, my lady. But in answer to your question: It is yes,” I said. “Yes, Your Majesty. I can live with it.”
The Queen left me to offer up what prayers I might.
I came of age during that night and the day that followed. I stepped over the painful line from innocence to a hard-edged maturity. I was finished with being a young girl, the pet of the damsels, allowed to play and continue my youth. I played no more. And perhaps I regretted it.
I was the King’s mistress: Philippa’s damsel by day, Edward’s lover by night. What a strange two-sided coin it was.