“A little while after old Billy Blenkin was out after his troubles with that five quid, and when the Mission Hailers wouldn’t have nothing to say to him, Jimmy Spicer met him, very full o’ news and mystery. ‘Good mornin’, Mr. Spicer,’ says old Billy, very quiet and confidential. I s’pose you’ve read the news about that there little bit o’ radium?’
“‘No,’ says Jimmy, I don’t think so. What is it?’
“Old Billy, twice as mysterious as ever, pulls out a day before yesterday’s newspaper. ‘I wonder you ain’t heard of it,’ says he; ‘it’s in all the papers, and quite the shout jist now. Read that.’
“So Jimmy Spicer took the paper, and there he read a report all about how a very swell doctor from a ’orspital had managed to lose one o’ them tiny little bits o’ radium, and thought it must ha’ been in a bus. It was in a little bit of a glass phial, it seemed, not more’n an inch and a half long, and all the doctor knew about it was that soon after he got out o’ the bus it wasn’t in his waistcoat pocket, and he s’posed he must ha’ dropped it. And then the paper went on to say what a fearful lot o’ money that little bit o’ radium was worth—a million quid, or a thousand, or whatever it was.
“Jimmy read it all through and licked his lips over the big figures. ‘That’s a bit of all right for the chap as finds it,’ he said.
“‘Yes,’ says old Billy, coughin’ be’ind ’is ’and. ‘Yes. As it ’appens, that there doctor’s a old friend o’ mine.’
“‘Is he?’ says Jimmy, surprised. ‘Pore chap!’
“‘Yes,’ says old Billy, not noticin’ Jimmy’s clumsy compliment. ‘Yes, he’s a very old friend o’ mine. Did you ever ’appen to see any radium?’
“‘Why, no!’ says jimmy.
“‘Ah,’ says old Billy, ‘not many ’ave. Here’s another thing you might read. I cut it out o’ Home Chips.’ And he lugs out a bit o’ paper from his pocket.
“Jimmy reads the new piece, gettin’ more excited every line. He was always excited about anything worth money. The piece was a interview with some scientific toff as had some radium of his own. It told all about how there wasn’t ’arf a fistful of it in the wide wide, and if there was the Bank of England ’ud bust itself if it tried to buy it. Then it described what the little bit looked like what the scientific toff had got. ‘Professor Simpson holds before our eyes,’ it said, ‘a tiny glass bottle, in the bottom of which lie a few grains of a dull-looking metallic powder. This, then, is the mysterious substance of which we hear so much, and this pinch of uninteresting-looking dust is worth a fortune!’
“‘Lor’!’ says little Jimmy; ‘wonderful, ain’t it?’
“‘Yes,’ says old Billy, lookin’ at Jimmy dreamy-like; ‘he was a old friend o’ mine—that doctor as lost his bit. And I ’appened to be in the bus at the time.’
“‘Lummy!’ says Jimmy Spicer; ‘you don’t say so!’
“‘Yes,’ says Billy, ‘I was; and I’ll prove it. ’Ere’s the stuff itself!’ And he pulls out a bit of a glass bottle half as long as your little finger.
“Jimmy Spicer hadn’t got enough eyes to stare with, and he ’arf choked hisself with excitement. There sure enough was a little bit o’ dusty-looking dirty-yeller powder in the bottle, just enough to cover the bottom.
“G’lor’!’ busts out Jimmy. Then you—you got it off of him!’
“Old Billy puts his head aside and smiles very meek. ‘He was a very old friend o’ mine,’ he says. ‘Sometimes you don’t mind takin’ a liberty with a old friend; and I sort o’ felt I might as well ’ave that radium.’
“‘What are you goin’ to do with it?’ says Jimmy Spicer.
“‘Well,’ says old Billy, ‘I been a-thinkin’ about it, and I don’t quite know. It’s worth a rare lot o’ money, you can see that from the papers. Of course, as a erring human creature, I’m tempted to keep it, but times are ’ard, and I don’t like keepin’ a thing belongin’ to a old friend like that doctor; cured me of pneumatic information, he did, more’n once. So in case I might be tempted to sell it, I think I’ll give it him back.’
“‘What?’ screams Jimmy, shocked and ’orrified. ‘Give it back? You’re off your napper! Give back that radium? It’s positive wicked! What for?’
“‘Why,’ says old Billy, ‘p’r’aps it ain’t quite right I should have it—lots o’ people might think so. I’m quite sure that doctor ’ud think so hisself, and p’r’aps he suspects I’ve got it. I’m a bit afraid he does, in fact, and that kind o’ makes me feel conscientious about it. Takin’ it by and large, I think I’d better repent; p’r’aps he’d stand a reward for my honesty.’
“‘No,’ says Jimmy, very eager, ‘don’t do that. I’m sure he wouldn’t stand anythink; he’d ’ave you jugged as soon as look at you, a feller like that. But it’s quite right to repent, you know—you ought to; only not with the stuff on you—it ain’t safe. You repent, and I’ll give you five bob for the stuff. See?’
“But old Billy didn’t see it a bit, at the price. ‘Five bob?’ he says. ‘Why, it’s ridic’lous. I’m game enough to repent, but not for five bob. Five quid, now, I might think about.’
“So they argued it out longways, little Jimmy Spicer tellin’ old Billy what a awful risk he was runnin’ goin’ about with the swag on him, and how ungrateful it ’ud be to his old friend the doctor to try to make a lot o’ money out of it—especially as he couldn’t try to sell sich a thing without being pinched on the spot. And, after all, old Billy took a quid and ’anded over the radium, with tears in his eyes.
“‘It’s a fortune I’m givin’ you,’ he said, ‘and I ’ope you won’t forget it if ever I’m ’ard up. I shall never ’ave a fortune o’ my own; I’m too conscientious!’
“Jimmy Spicer rushed ’ome to tell his wife, but half-way he stopped and bought Home Chips, in case she mightn’t understand. She didn’t understand at first, but when she got the hang of the business and rumbled the fact that the little bit o’ dust in the bottle meant one o’ them fortunes you write with a one and a lot o’ noughts, she grabbed the bottle and stuck to it tight. She said she wasn’t goin’ to give Jimmy a chance o’ squanderin’ of it backin’ losers or any sich foolishness as that, and she meant to take care of the family capital till there was proper chance o’ turnin’ it into the real ’ard stuff. So she just surrounded that bottle o’ radium, and all poor Jimmy could do he couldn’t find out where she hid it. It was no good askin’ questions; she was three times his size, as I think I’ve told you, and twice as determined; and now the fortune ’ad come at last she wasn’t goin’ to risk Jimmy doin’ anything with it except skirmish out and find ’ow to make money of it. As for her, not wantin’ to waste time, she took the best ’at and shawl out o’ the shop and went round puttin’ on most rabunculous airs in advance. She practised comin’ the lawfty to sich a extent that, if she ’adn’t been a precious large woman, she’d ha’ had the ’at tore off her head half-a-dozen times by some of her friends. Them she partic’lar favoured she said wasn’t lookin’ well, and she’d take ’em for a blow in the noo motah!
“But Jimmy Spicer was busy skirmishin’—not that it did much good. It cost quite a lot in drinks, though, because the only idea he began with was getting talking casual with anybody as would, and leadin’ on gradually to radium. It was surprisin’ what a lot of people wasn’t too proud to talk in consideration of drinks, and surprisin’ what a little they knew about radium when it come to the point. Some of ’em had read bits in the papers, though, and pretty soon Jimmy began buyin’ Home Chips and Nobby Bits reg’lar, and cuttin’ out all the things about radium. For a long time he didn’t get much out of them ’cept figures and centigrammes and things, but the figures excited him most outrageous, and he got more anxious than ever to find where his missis had hid the little bottle. He tried the whole house, and broke quite a lot of things afore he made up his mind his missis must keep it somewhere about
’er. As soon as he made quite sure o’ that he got all of a sudden most wonderful affectionate, and went a-chasin’ his missis about and huggin’ and cuddlin’ of her all over the place, pattin’ and squeejin’ of her most lovin’ to find out where the stuff was stowed. It was sich a novelty for Mrs. Spicer she couldn’t understand it, and swiped ’im over the head with anything as come fust. She said she’d take the poker to him next time ’e came ’ome dangerous drunk like that.
“So Jimmy never found out exactly where his missis hid the radium, though it turned out it was about her somewhere. It come out ’cos of a piece he found in a noo number of Home Chips. He came ’ome with it chucklin’ all the way to think what a jolt he was goin’ to give her. ‘Look here,’ he says as soon as he see her, ‘here’s somethink most uncommon interestin’ about radium. Listen:
“‘In regard to the recent loss of a quantity of radium in a London omnibus, it may not he generally known that most seriously dangerous results arise from the carrying of the smallest quantity of this remarkable mineral near the human body. Malignant ulcers are formed, leading to many painful and obscure diseases.’
“‘What?’ screams the missis. ‘What?’ And with one bounce she was in the bed-room, and Jimmy could hear her things rippin’ and floppin’ as she tore ’em off. In about four seconds she was back at the door lookin’ like half a ton o’ stock out o’ the wardrobe shop, with the bottle o’ radium in the end of a pair o’ tongs.
“‘Here y’are!’ says she. ‘Take yer precious radium! Jist like a man, puttin’ all the risk on yer pore wife! Want to get me out of the way, don’t ye? Jist you wait till I’ve tied meself up agen, you cowardly little blaggard, that’s all! I’ll show ye!’
“‘But ’old on, Maria!’ says Jimmy; ‘you didn’t wait to hear it all. Here’s the rest:
“‘These unpleasant results, however, may be effectually prevented by wrapping the vessel containing the radium in lead foil.’
“‘What?’ shouts the missis again, goin’ nearly black in the face. ‘What? And you let me carry it about without any lead foil on it all this time! You murderer! Ow!’ And with that she chucks one o’ them fits when they scream and kick their heels on the ground.
“The best physic Jimmy could think of for fits and fury was whisky, so he skipped out and got a bottle. It acted pretty well and after a while the missis was a bit consoled, though nervous still, and rather threatenin’. And Jimmy very carefully took the lead-foil cap from the cork and wrapped it all round the bottle o’ radium. When she see that, the missis got businesslike again, snatched it, and went back with it to tie herself up. So Jimmy lost sight o’ that precious metal once more for a bit.
“But it was only for a bit. Jimmy decided he must keep on gettin’ educated about radium, and he went in such a buster for papers and magazines he very nigh ruined hisself. He fetched home a big armful about twice a day, and raked ’em all through for information about radium, till he found a little article in one of ’em that said the lead foil wrapped outside a bottle o’ radium didn’t really prevent it actin’ on the human frame but only made it strike deeper internal. When she read that, Jimmy’s missis caught him one whang over the ear with a shovel and then chucked her clothes off final and went to bed, groanin’ pitiful. She said the pains all over the inside of her was more than ord’nary Hoxton language could tell; and she called him to witness that there wasn’t one single mark on the outside of her, which proved how horrid deep it had struck internal and she ’oped he was satisfied now he’d killed her at last.
“Poor Jimmy fished out the little bottle from under the heap o’ clothes, rolled it up in a lot o’ brown paper, and hung it on a string to a nail, where it couldn’t touch nothink. He was beginnin’ to get a bit sick of his fortune, and he went out to think things over and get away from Mrs. Spicer’s dyin’ groans. The first friend he met invited him to have a drink, and then began to ask him if he knew anything about radium. This gave Jimmy a bit of a guilty start, and he got away from that friend as soon as the glass was empty. But that wasn’t the only start he got that day, nor the worst. Two other friends offered him drinks, one after the other, and then led the conversation round, very artful to radium. Both of ’em did it. Jimmy was that frightened he left half the last drink in the glass and bolted. It seemed pretty plain there was a general suspicion got about that he had that radium; so he made up his mind to make what he could on it quick, or at any rate, put it out of hand for a bit. So he went into a pawnbroker’s and asked if they’d buy some radium, or lend a thousand or two on some.
“‘What?’ roars the pawnbroker; ‘another of yer? You’re a funny joker, ain’t you? What sort of a game d’ye call it, eh?’
“He was that fierce that Jimmy almost galloped out o’ the shop and down the street quite bewildered. What was the matter with everythink?
“He got home and found the missis sittin’ up angrier than ever, if possible. She wanted to know why he’d gone out and left her alone to die, and why he hadn’t fetched the doctor. He said it wouldn’t do to tell a doctor about the radium, but she wanted to know what was the good o’ radium or anythink else, to a woman as was dyin’ by inches. Jimmy began to think serious about takin’ that radium back to the doctor as had lost it and gettin’ a reward, since it seemed he couldn’t get nothing else. So he took down the little brown-paper parcel from the nail, holdin’ it very careful by the string, and walked off to have a look at the board outside the police-station, where they stick up rewards and found-drowneds and sich.
“Sure enough, when he got there, there was a reward bill, offerin’ fifty quid for the little bottle o’ radium, supposed to ha’ been lost in a omnibus. Fifty quid was a long way short o’ what he had expected, but then it was a long way better than nothing and another dose of Coldbath Fields; and Jimmy felt very uneasy about them two or three friends as had been pumpin’ him about radium that very afternoon. And then, just as he was a-thinkin’ of it, a hand drops on his shoulder and there stands one o’ the very chaps hisself!
“Poor Jimmy very near dropped in a heap, but the chap winks to him confidential. ‘Look ’ere,’ says the chap; ‘no hank, just between ourselves now. S’pose you’d got that there radium, what ’ud you do? Would you take that there reward, or could you sell it better? You might tell a pal.’
“‘I—I’m a honest man,’ says Jimmy, as proud as he could manage, but tremblin’ horrid. ‘I’m a honest man, and I’m a-goin’ to take it back to the gentleman. I was jist lookin’ to see his address.’
“‘Oh, you was, was you?’ says the chap starin’. ‘You was goin’ to take it back? How?’
“‘In this here parcel,’ says Jimmy, holdin’ up the bunch o’ brown paper on the end of the string. ‘I’m a straightforward, honest man, I am, and I don’t conceal nothing.’
“The chap stared harder than ever. Then he whispered, ‘Come round the corner,’ and Jimmy went.
“‘Look here,’ says the chap, ‘did you say you’d got that radium?’
“‘Yes,’ says Jimmy. ‘I ain’t afraid to say it. I came by it honest, I did, in a bus. At least, my missis sat on it, and she’s—’
“‘Hold ’ard!’ says the chap. I’ve got that radium!’
“‘You?’says Jimmy. ‘You?’
“‘Yes,’ says the chap, ‘and ’ere it is. I’ve been worried to death what to do with it, ’cos in fact it’s worth a fortune—thousands. I’ve been askin’ all kinds o’ people about it on the quiet, but I couldn’t find out how to sell it. It’s in this little bottle.’ And the chap pulls out jist sich another little bottle as Jimmy’s.
“Jimmy went giddy with a awful suspicion. ‘That—that’s all your humbug,’ he said. ‘I—I’m goin’ to the gentleman at the ’orspital—’
“‘I’ll come, too,’ says the chap. ‘I want that reward!’
“So they started off together. Half-way to the ’orspital Jimmy pulled ’is
self a bit together and stopped. ‘How much did you give Billy Blenkin for that bottle?’ he said.
“‘Ten bob,’ says the chap.
“‘Then I believe I’m twice as big a mug as you,’ groans Jimmy. But we’ll see.’
“When they got to the ’orspital and asked the porter for Dr. Sowter the man grinned all over his face. ‘What’s this?’ says he. ‘More radium? Show us yer little bottle!’
“‘We come to see Dr. Sowter on private business,’ says Jimmy, doin’ the sniffy.
“‘Oh, yus,’ says the porter, ‘and so ’ave about twenty-seven more of you, all with bottles o’ brass filin’s. Dr. Sowter’s about fed up with them bottles o’ brass filin’s, and he says they’re all to be left at this lodge or else took straight away. So you jist take your choice. I only wonder he ain’t had some o’ you locked up.’
“And that was the end of Jimmy Spicer’s fortune,” concluded Snorkey. “We’ve bid a long good-bye to old Billy Blenkin—we sha’n’t ever see him again down this way. He must ha’ made about forty quid out o’ that penn’orth o’ brass filin’s. And I should be surprised if he paid for the penn’orth, either.”
INFANTRY AT THE DOUBLE
First published in The Strand Magazine, May 1911
Whit-Monday was late in the year, and, astonishing to tell, the holiday was bright and warm, gay and sunny. The ordinarily quiet suburban village in which Mr. Septimus Deacon lived was crowded, hilarious, uproarious. The common was become a fair, where swings swung, roundabouts rotated, cocoanuts stood undisturbed in an atmosphere of whizzing sticks, and ear-piercing tunes, evolved by steam power, tore the affrighted air. With a corner of the common all to itself, Filer’s Royal and Imperial Circus contributed a large part of the general uproar and animation and not far away Challis’s Show of Natural Wonders and Tasty Talent hinted its presence through the medium of two big drums and a key-bugle, with an occasional interlude on a megaphone. The Green Dragon was crowded within and without, and the ample and busy space about it was edged with a fringe of small children, in perambulators and out of them; so that an innocent foreigner might have supposed them to stand in waiting to supply the legendary meal of the Green Dragon when that monster should find business slackening, and snatch a moment to take a little sustenance on its own account. But the free-born Briton would have passed by unalarmed, recognizing the operation of the Act of Parliament that hallows all licensed premises from youthful intrusion.
The Arthur Morrison Mystery Page 183