“Not like that!” he said. He slammed down his own drink. “Skoll!” he said, indicating I should do the same. I stared at the shot glass, pasted a smile on my face, and went for broke. The clear liquid felt like fire in my throat—I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head vigorously. Ugh. No sooner had I quaffed the shot than Bernard thrust another into my hand. Sensing I was doomed, I knocked it back as well. It went down so quickly, I basically inhaled it, and my eyes started watering.
I had no interest in Bernard, his friends, or the bar; the whole point of going through this stupid rigmarole was the hope that Cooper would turn up, see me having fun with other men, and become insanely jealous.
The thought had just crossed my mind when Cooper appeared at the door, closely followed by Caitlin and Gabriel. A feeling of relief flooded through my body; hooray, backup! And Cooper. Even better. Caitlin skipped across the room and flung her arms around me. Her face buried in my hair, she whispered “Oh, God, roomie, I didn’t realise you were with these guys. I fucked two of them in a threesome the other week.”
“Do you want to leave?” I asked, even though it would pass over a perfect opportunity to make Cooper jealous.
She tossed her head, grabbed the nearest drink, and threw it back. So much for being bothered either by her former lovers or by her recent near-death experience. It didn’t keep me from worrying, though, and when Gabriel appeared with a can of lemonade, I was relieved.
Caitlin rolled her eyes and whispered in my ear, “Doctor’s orders. I’ve got a super sore throat today anyway.”
Behind them, Cooper was standing like a bit of a gooseberry, clearly ill at ease and unsure how to break into the group. I fought my instinct to pull him into the festivities and make him feel comfortable. After all, my goal was to make him jealous. I couldn’t crumble at the first opportunity.
Caitlin sized up the situation straightaway and immediately introduced Gabriel and Cooper around the group, making a special point of introducing Cooper to Bernard.
“This is the guy who is totally into Ellie,” she said, pretending to be completely oblivious.
Cooper’s face clouded over with a stormy expression. “Right,” he said curtly. “Yeah. Good to meet you, man.” He grabbed Bernard’s hand so tightly that his knuckles went white.
Bernard smiled cheerfully and withdrew his hand. Slapping Cooper on the back, he said, “Drink up, the vodka is on me.” I could almost hear Cooper’s teeth grinding.
I did a little mental happy dance; I hadn’t expected it to work so quickly. Everything was going according to plan! I swung around to the bar to order drinks for the first drinking game, trying to keep the smile off my face, and came face-to-face with Jock. He did not look happy.
“Good evening, Ellie,” he said, his voice flat and clipped. “Enjoying your evening?”
Confused by his presence in the officers’ bar, and disturbed by his tone, I stood and stared at him before spluttering and trying to speak. “Jock—is everything okay? What—” I stumbled over my words and then managed, “What are you doing here? I mean, in the officers’ bar.” I came out with several more unintelligible sounds and finally just shut up, watching Jock worriedly. There was something wrong; his face was completely devoid of the warmth that usually filled it when I talked to him.
“I’m filling in for the usual bartender,” he said shortly, picking up a glass from under the counter and starting to polish it.
“But are you okay? You seem…” I tried to find a word and failed. “You don’t seem like yourself,” I finally said.
Jock shrugged. “Just not sure what game you’re playing,” he said.
“Game?” I was completely confused.
He jerked his chin in Bernard’s direction.
“You said to move on from Cooper,” I retorted. “What makes you think that’s not what I’m doing?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Guess I’m just a wee bit confused at the way you’re going about things,” he said. “Thought our conversation today might have given you a few things to think about.”
Now I was just completely confused. “It did,” I said, “but…”
“Seems to me you’re just making the same fool mistakes you’ve been making all along.” His harsh tone cut deep, and I could feel tears pricking at my eyes. Jock was one of the few people on this ship I’d really felt I could count on, who I thought really cared about me, and I’d never thought he would have said anything unkind. And anyway, hadn’t he been the one who’d said something about having fun? Not taking things too seriously? Or was it something about being true to myself?
“Look,” I said, “it’s not at all what it looks like, I promise. It’s really just—”
“Tell it to someone else, Ellie,” he said, and I noticed that he was still polishing that same damn glass. “I have work to do.” He turned away and finally put the glass down, a smile appearing on his face as he addressed an officer further down the bar.
I stood staring at his back, feeling oddly bereft. I wasn’t sure I even knew what had just happened, but I suddenly felt like this whole make-Cooper-jealous thing was just a bit silly. But before I had a chance to dwell on that, Caitlin bounded up to the bar to find out what was taking me so long.
“Jock’s being weird tonight,” I said.
Caitlin’s eyes flicked from me to him and back again, and then she leaned against the counter, directing a million-watt smile at the other bartender working that night. “Get us some vodka shots, will you, handsome?” His face turned red and he practically tripped over his own feet to pour the vodka. Grinning, she turned to face me and leaned back, her elbows on the counter. “You gonna stand there, dude, or you gonna get in on that drinking game?” Shrugging, I trotted across the room to join the boys, Caitlin right behind me with the shots. I figured we could work out Jock’s problem later. Right now, I had bigger problems: Cooper. Caitlin had bought a shot for everyone at the table, and was ready to play.
She settled down between me and Gabriel and draped her legs over his lap. “Let’s play ‘I have never…’”
“I’ll start,” Bernard said eagerly, vodka shot in hand. “I have never…slept with an English girl.” He grinned, looking directly at me.
Well. That was…great. Despite my genuine lack of interest in him, I felt my cheeks burn and couldn’t help the embarrassed smile that spread across my face. To be fair, actually, the lack of interest probably made the embarrassment worse; if I’d liked him, I might have been able to giggle and play to it. Oh well…
Turned out the group were pretty lacking in the sleeping with English girls department; only a couple of them slammed down a shot, including Caitlin. Somehow that didn’t surprise me. I snuck a look at Cooper, in time to see him knock the vodka back; the expression on his face told me he was not happy, and as soon as the round had been downed, he got up and stalked towards the bar. I wasn’t sure whether to feel worried or victorious. I’d never been good at playing hard to get; my face was always an open book, and I was always so worried about hurting people’s feelings.
I glanced over at the bar to see if Cooper was on his way back and saw him in heated conversation with Jock. The two of them looked furious, and I was a little concerned that they might come to blows—but before I could even hope to intervene, Cooper stormed out the door.
My stomach twisted into a thousand knots. I had gone too far. I turned to Caitlin, but she was already looking at the door Cooper had just exited. She smiled broadly and gave me two thumbs up. “It’s working, roomie,” she said, dropping her head back until it rested on my shoulder. I narrowed my eyes, but she only responded with, “Trust me.”
I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. Despite my lifelong aversion to people who asked me to trust them, I knew Caitlin had my best interests at heart. And seeing as she was a hell of a lot more experienced than me at the whole dating thing, I had to believe it would work as planned.
The next half an hour or so crawled by. Bernard brushed up against me
constantly and continually bent down to whisper flirtatious statements in my ear; maintaining a pleasant smile when he was breathing stale coffee and vodka fumes in my face was difficult. With Cooper gone, it seemed pointless to continue the charade, but Caitlin wouldn’t let me go.
“He’ll be back,” she said knowingly. “He’ll be back…”
I didn’t know if she was a genius or psychic, because it wasn’t long before Cooper came back through the door…with Maria in tow. Caitlin and I looked at each other in shock. Shit. This wasn’t part of the plan. Why Maria, of all people? The only thing I could think of was that he planned to make me jealous in return by using my absolute least favourite person on board.
Cooper got straight to the point: “Bernard, this is my colleague, Maria,” he said, shoving Maria towards the tall Norwegian. “I think you two will like each other.”
Bernard was drunk, but at least he proved himself slightly less fickle than certain other men I could name; he grabbed me around the waist and pulled me towards him, saying, “Thanks, man, but I am already spoken for.”
I plastered a smile on my face and tried to look like my body wasn’t stiff in his embrace. I wasn’t sure what was happening, exactly; did Cooper bringing Maria in to throw at Bernard mean that he really did like me? Or was it just another layer in the game? Actually, more urgently: had Bernard really just rejected the gorgeous Maria for me? Was he out of his mind? Or was my new look even better than I’d thought? Arg.
I didn’t have time to react to the whole situation, though, because Cooper was already taking the lead…just not the one I wanted.
“I’m tired,” he snapped. “See you guys in the morning.” He shot me a look of pure venom and spun on his heels, stalking out the door again.
I desperately wanted to run after him, but one look at Caitlin kept me in my seat. Cooper quickly left my mind when I realised that Maria had slid into a seat next to Gabriel and was talking over him to Caitlin, their faces inches apart. Horrified by the idea that Maria might be unleashing her poison on Caitlin directly, I pulled free of Bernard and moved towards them, just in time to hear Maria’s words.
“I really did not know you would get so sick, Caitlin,” she said, and from what I could hear she sounded genuinely apologetic. “I am so sorry. I thought you might get into trouble from the staff captain, like I did when you and I partied my first week on board…” She breathed in and said, somewhat shakily, “I never thought your life might be in danger. I am so sorry.”
Well, damn. Maria was actually being apologetic, which meant I couldn’t justifiably give her shit for putting Caitlin in danger. It was so much easier when Maria was just pure evil; I hated to think that she might not be horrible through and through after all.
Unable to hold my tongue, I interrupted, saying, “Well, it was a really stupid thing to do, Maria.” Maybe not the greatest thing, since I was probably asking for trouble, but I couldn’t let her get off scot-free. Caitlin, however, proved to be far more than forgiving than me.
“Don’t worry about it, dude,” she said, and then turned a sweet smile on Maria. “Apology accepted. I know how it is.” That out of the way, she returned her attention to me and said, “You wanna come up to the cabin with me for a while? My throat is killing me right now.”
“Sure,” I said, grateful for an excuse to leave at last. “Sorry, Bernard, must go. Caitlin’s not feeling well.”
We escaped before Bernard had a chance to protest, leaving Gabriel to console him and drown his sorrows with drinking games. Back in our cabin, Caitlin whined as she searched through cupboards and drawers for a throat cure. “The doctor told me it’s tonsillitis and put me on antibiotics, but they’re doing fuck-all good. My throat feels like it’s lined with sandpaper.” She swallowed and winced painfully. “It hurts to swallow.” She laughed and added, “Yeah, I know, me not being able to swallow is going to place a massive dent in my love life.” We both laughed, and then she groaned. “Oh, it hurts to laugh. Stoppit!”
Knocking on the door interrupted our merry-making, and when Caitlin flung open the door we found Nick on the other side.
“Where have you bitches been?” he demanded. He pushed past Caitlin and flopped down on the bottom bunk. “Have you been avoiding me?” he wailed dramatically. “I’ve missed you!”
“We are far from avoiding you, my love,” I said as Caitlin shut the door and came back in. “We promise you plenty of juicy gossip. Especially about this one,” I added, jabbing my thumb in Caitlin’s direction.
It was time for a girly pow-wow and a cup of tea. I was wary of introducing alcohol into social situations now that Caitlin was supposed to be off the wagon. Or was it on? I could never remember. Well, bugger it in any case; tea was the drink of the day. I had an excellent stash of tea tucked away, so I flicked on the kettle and set out three mugs.
“Well, I’ll start,” Nick said, swinging himself into an upright position and sitting cross-legged. “You know how I was basically a shoo-in for that dance captain position? My sneaky, lying, backstabbing roommate only went and fucking got the job himself! He’s already moved out of the cabin into his fancy new double bed.”
We both gasped in shock.
“What the fuck is that fucking asshole up to?” demanded Caitlin.
“I know, right?” said Nick. His face crumpled. “Without that job, I’ll have even less money for New York. I’ve already missed out on a cheap apartment, and now I’m going to have to beg for my parents’ help. It’s just getting worse and worse.” He buried his face in his hands and added in a muffled voice, “The best I’ll be able to afford now is a crack house over an air shaft.” He paused, and then lifted his head to look at me with gloomy eyes. “And I don’t even like crack.”
“Why don’t you just ask your parents for the money?” Caitlin asked. “I thought they were super rich?”
“Well, yes,” Nick said, “but they don’t support my dancing, and are definitely not keen on the New York idea. They’ve never even seen me dance.”
“So invite them on board for a week,” she said cheerfully. “Let them see you dance and sweet-talk them into financing your New York dream.”
Nick didn’t reply, but the expression on his face said he was thinking about it. “But how could I afford to pay for their cruise?” he said at last. “It would be all the money I have. No point in spending everything I’ve got if I’m not going to get anything out of it.”
Caitlin shook her head and waved his protests away. “No, silly, they could stay in your cabin. The cruise line will let them visit for something like 10% of the normal price.”
Nick jumped to his feet excitedly, narrowly missing bashing his head on the top bunk. “I’d totally forgotten about that!” he cried. Then, like a balloon on a hot August day, Nick deflated before our eyes and collapsed in a heap on the floor. “I can’t bring my parents on board,” he said miserably. “They don’t know I’m gay. I’ve never dared bring it up—they’ll never accept it. At home I can hide it more easily, but I always get my hair bleached on the way to a contract…”
“They have actually met you, haven’t they?” asked Caitlin incredulously. “How could they not know?”
I thought about defending Nick’s manhood, but that would have been a bit pointless. Seriously, Nick really was the gayest of all gay men.
“I’m really quite masculine at home, you know,” he said, dabbing at the corner of his eyes with a lace handkerchief he’d just produced from his pocket. He saw our disbelieving faces and insisted, “I really am! I know you girls won’t understand, but this has been one big ordeal my whole life. My parents are, well…traditional. They’re Filipino-American and built themselves up from nothing. I was meant to grow up and take over the business, but then I ended up wanting to dance and they were so disappointed in me. We’ve fought about it so many times. They finally let me work on ships, to ‘let me get it out of my system’—though by that point I was legally an adult and they could hardly stop me anymore. Th
ey’ve never even seen me dance.” He looked desolate. “I’ve done lessons for years, and practised until my feet bled, and they never turned up to a single performance!”
Caitlin and I both sat in silence. I had no idea what to say, and I didn’t think Caitlin did, either. Nick was usually so buoyant and carefree; I’d never seen him so emotional before.
“But Nick, maybe if they saw you dance…?” I thought about my parents; they didn’t always fully agree with my decisions, but they always supported me, no matter what. I’d never really thought about how lucky I was.
“I know, Ellie,” he said, “but they expect me to work in their business, and take over when they retire. It’s what they’ve always wanted. They don’t have a clue that I’m gay,” he added. “I’ve never been able to tell them. When Elton John came out of the closet, my parents didn’t believe it—I mean, you think I’m camp! And when they finally realised it was true, they threw out all his albums!”
Caitlin gasped in shock, her face showing pure horror as she clutched her heart. “They threw out Elton? Blasphemy!”
“I know, right?” Nick said, “They don’t even believe they know anybody who is gay!” He sighed. “They’ve got blinkers on, and I’m just not sure I want to take them off. At home, I hide everything about me. I wear the clothes my mother picks out for me. I skateboard. I even wear a baseball cap.” He shuddered, and I realised I actually liked him in a feather boa.
“I can’t destroy their image of me,” he said sadly. “It will crush them…and it will crush me. I need them, girls. I’m an only child, you know.”
“Me too,” I said, nodding.
“Me three!” chirped Caitlin. “We are three lonely only-children together.”
There was a moment of silence, which, naturally, Caitlin broke. “So, if they’re going to give you money for New York, they’d need to see your talent, and you’d need to be straight?” She sounded far more excited than the occasion warranted.
“Well, yes, I think so,” Nick answered, sounding confused, “but given the history, I just don’t see it happening.”
Sex, Lies, and Cruising Page 19