The last plea sealed the deal. “Of course, darling,” she said at last. She turned a meaningful look on her husband. “We’ll just have a coffee and something to eat, and we’ll be fine to see the show.”
“It’s not going to be full of those drag queens and guys running around in white tights, is it?” asked his father, looking worried.
“No, Dad, it’s a rock and roll show,” Nick said, laughing awkwardly. “You’ll really enjoy it. Lots of music you’ll recognise.”
His father didn’t look convinced, but his mother pulled him along and had a quick, quiet word in his ear as we headed back to the cabins.
We’d arranged to meet in the Spring Fling after we’d all finished work, because we agreed the crew bar probably wasn’t the best place to take a couple of conservative fifty-year-olds. Although I’d been at work, and had not seen Nick’s show or his parent’s reaction, the scene I saw when I entered the bar told me everything I needed to know. His mother was sipping champagne like it was water; the alcohol was clearly having an effect, as she looked a lot more relaxed than she had earlier and was chatting excitedly to Caitlin. Nick was talking to his father, who was speaking with true excitement. He kept bending down to scribble on a napkin and showing Nick what he’d written.
“And if you eventually employed some other teachers, you could make a passive income!” he was saying as I sat down next to him.
“Hi, Ellie,” Nick said, with more enthusiasm than I’d heard in weeks. “Mom and Dad really loved the show. They want to support me in going to Broadway!” His cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were sparkling. It really was the happy ending to his years of dreaming and hard work.
“That’s brilliant,” I said, leaning over to give him a hug. I turned to his father. “You enjoyed the performance, Mr Canlas?”
“The show was just incredible. I can’t believe it took us so long to watch him dance. I actually feel very ashamed. We really had no idea how talented our boy is.” He beamed at his wife, then smiled at Nick. “Nick and I have just been discussing the possibility of opening a dance studio as a secondary income. I hear Broadway bucks aren’t so big these days.”
This was Nick’s moment, and he was revelling in every second of it. Caitlin had clearly made an impression; Nick’s mum was already working out the wedding details, and when the conversation came around to where they would live in New York, Caitlin smiled sweetly and said, “Of course, we’ll have to get a two-bedroom apartment if we’re going to have a baby in the next couple of years.”
Mention of a future grandchild was the icing on the cake. Nick’s mother almost fell off the couch.
Although I was pleased for Nick, and happy everything was going so well, I also felt bad for his parents. His mum was going to be absolutely crushed when it turned out that there wasn’t going to be a wedding after all, and that there would be no grandchildren on the way. Still, for the moment everything was smooth sailing, so it was silly to worry now.
Nick and Caitlin laughed and made plans; she snuggled into his side and he draped his arm around her. From my point of view, as the slightly awkward outsider, they looked like the lovers they were pretending to be. I was just grateful that most of the conversation didn’t require me to talk; I occasionally commented on Nick’s talent and his future career, but otherwise stayed quiet, watching.
Then Maria walked in.
On a ship of over 3,000 people, she had somehow managed to find the three people who probably despised her the most. Why now? After Maria and Gabriel had slept together, Caitlin had managed to avoid her all week; having their first meeting now heightened the potential for disaster.
As I watched her, I realised she hadn’t come looking for us. She hadn’t even noticed us; she stood in the doorway for a moment without drawing any attention to herself, scanning the room. It was clear she was looking for someone, and equally clear from the expression on her face that she didn’t see whoever it was. A fleeting look passed over her face—sadness? Vulnerability? I wasn’t sure, but it wasn’t something I was familiar with seeing, not when it came to Maria.
And then her eyes landed on our little group. She stared at us for a moment, expressionless, before the more familiar calculating look appeared. There was the Maria I recognised. And when she started towards us, I got worried. Word had spread quickly that Nick’s parents were coming on board—the fact that they were filthy rich only made the whole thing that much more interesting. While most people had been content to whisper and avoid interfering directly, I doubted that Maria was coming over to play nice.
She swept up to us and smiled. “Good evening,” she said dramatically. “I am Maria. You must be Nick’s parents. I can see where he gets his good looks.” She batted her eyelashes at Teo and added, “You have raised such a lovely boy. He is a credit to you.”
Maricel and Teo both beamed with pride.
“We are so pleased to meet another of Nicholas’s friends,” said Teo, with genuine warmth. “Nicholas’s fiancée was just raising our hopes about finally getting a grandchild.”
“His fiancée?” Maria looked confused.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Teo said. “I’m getting carried away. They’re not engaged yet.” He turned to Nick and said, “Sorry, son, we’re just so excited.”
Maria’s eyes narrowed infinitesimally. “This is a joke, yes?” she said, her voice suddenly deadpan.
“Maria, now is not the time,” I said, standing up in the hopes of being able to stop the inevitable. “You know, I’d actually really like to talk to you, if you don’t mind…”
She ignored me, her gaze zeroing in on Nick. He looked like a deer caught in headlights, afraid to move and unable to speak.
“Oh dear, I hope it wasn’t a secret…” said Maricel, who’d gone from positively radiant to looking confused and worried. “I thought everyone knew about Nicholas and Caitlin. We’re helping them move to New York.”
Maria switched her attention to Maricel, a confused smile on her face. “Everyone knows about Nicholas and Caitlin?” she repeated. “You mean that they are a couple?” The confused smile lightened into a knowing one. “Ah, now I understand. You are all having a joke with me.” She laughed a little. “I am afraid you cannot fool me, since everyone knows Nick is gay…”
Shit. I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers against my left temple, just like my father did when he heard bad news. When I opened them, Maricel and Teo had thunderstruck looks on their faces. Nick’s mouth was hanging open and he looked stunned, rather like a beached trout taking its last breath. Maybe that’s what he was doing.
Maria was now looking at Nick’s parents with pity, adding, “But you must know! It is simply so obvious. Ricky Martin is…is masculine by comparison!” She turned to Nick and Caitlin, asking, “What are you two doing, lying to Nick’s lovely parents like that?”
Our whole group sat frozen; no one seemed to know quite what to say. Maricel’s beaming face had dropped; she looked crestfallen. Teo, on the other hand, was expressionless. He picked up the napkin on which he’d been scribbling his dance studio plans for Nick. He carefully folded it and tucked it away into his pocket, then stood up and took his wife’s hand.
“Goodnight, everyone,” he said simply, and turned to leave.
“Dad, wait!” Nick got up and put a hand on his father’s arm. “Look—I—Let me try to explain.”
Maricel and Teo looked at Nick expectantly, and he dropped his eyes to the floor. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want to lie to you, but I was afraid that if I told you that you wouldn’t be able to love me. So Caitlin said she’d help me, and we concocted this whole ridiculous charade to convince you that I could be the perfect son.” He took a deep breath. “The thing is, I’m not the perfect son. I never will be.” He lifted his head proudly and met his mother’s gaze; I suspected she was easier for him to face than his father. “I am gay,” he said. “I’m still a good person. I still love you both with all my heart.” His voice breaking, he continued,
“I really need your love. I was just so afraid—I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
His parents hadn’t moved or reacted in any way, but Nick continued regardless. “It’s just that I’m realising I can’t be anything other than what I am. If you can’t support me emotionally or financially, that’s okay, because I will make my dreams happen. I can just go it alone.” He hesitated, and then added, “I really hope you can love me the way I am. But if not…I get it.”
Caitlin stood up and grabbed Nick’s hand in support. The air was thick with tension, and as I stood there, breathless, I realised I had no idea how this whole thing was going to end. Nick’s parents stood there for what felt like ages, looking at him with blank faces. Then Teo turned to Caitlin and me, nodded, and said, “Goodnight. This has been a long day.” They walked away, Teo supporting Maricel with his arm across her back. She looked back over her shoulder and caught Nick’s eye. She hesitated, as though she was about to say something, and then looked away again. She kept walking and didn’t look back again.
Nick looked relieved, worried, and sad, all at the same time. The relief of finally telling his parents must have been immense, but the fear of having them reject him… I edged closer and took his other hand, leaning my head against his shoulder as tears welled up in his eyes.
Maria looked pleased with the mess she’d created. “Oops,” she said, an innocent look on her face. “Did I say something wrong?”
I wondered how much trouble I’d get in if I punched her square in the face, and for a moment I was tempted. I felt awful for Nick, and violence was a tempting immediate retaliation. But it wouldn’t get us anywhere; we needed to plan. It was time for the Brazilian Bitch to pay.
Chapter Eighteen
“Right,” I said, “time to go.”
I dragged a stunned Nick and Caitlin out of the Spring Fling, leaving Maria behind and heading for the relative safety of the crew bar. I settled the two of them into a booth and went for drinks. No sign of Jock, which was too bad, but I’d catch him later. Nick was my more immediate concern.
I set down the drinks and slid into the booth. I’d expected Nick to be in pieces, but he was surprisingly calm.
“I’m just so glad I told them the truth,” he said. “When I was a teenager, their non-acceptance might have killed me, but now I think I’ll be okay, even if they don’t come around. I’m probably in shock, I know, but my overwhelming feeling right now is relief!”
We sat in silence for a few minutes before Caitlin’s head came up.
“But what about New York?”
Nick’s face told us he’d completely forgotten. His parents had been his last chance to get the money he needed to pursue his Broadway dreams; with his secret out, those dreams were unlikely to ever come true. It was a devastating blow.
Nick looked lost for words. “I just haven’t thought that far ahead yet,” he said finally. He folded his arms and sighed. “Lots of people move to New York without money or a plan, you know… I just never thought I’d be one of them.”
“Can we do anything to help?” I asked.
“No, but thanks, Princess,” he said. “It’ll be fine. They’re my parents, anyway. I’ll have to deal with this eventually.” He sighed again, looking exhausted. “Do you guys mind if I go back to my cabin now? I need to rest. I have a lot to think about.” He got up slowly, kissed us both goodbye, and dragged his feet out the door.
Caitlin and I had both finished our drinks, and as I was hoping to talk to Jock, I hopped up to get the next round. I hadn’t been in the crew bar all week as I’d been spending so much time with Cooper, and I really wanted to talk to Jock about what had happened, and make amends. I hated being at odds with him. Again.
When I reached the bar, Jock was still nowhere in sight; the bloke who’d served me before was serving another customer. I waited for him to finish, then beckoned him over. “Where’s Jock tonight?” I asked. “Is he up in the officers’ bar again?”
“Jock? No. He’s gone to the Triton,” he said. “Or was it the Goddess? I can’t remember. Anyway, can I get you something?”
“Sorry, what? He’s gone where?” I asked. On such a large ship, it was hard to remember all the bar names
The bartender looked at me as if I was a bit simple. “He got trans-shipped,” he said. “Left this morning. Halfway to his new ship by now, no doubt. Now, what can I get you?” I stared at him blankly, stunned, and finally he said, “Look, that’s all I know. I’m sorry. You gonna order, or what?”
I waved him away, my mind elsewhere, and slipped out of the crew bar without saying goodbye to Caitlin. I didn’t really feel like talking to her or anyone else; it had come as such a shock that all I wanted to do was get back to the cabin and try to sort out my tangled emotions.
Jock was gone.
As I entered my cabin, my foot kicked against something that had been slipped under the door. I flicked on the light and bent to pick it up; it was an envelope, with my name written neatly on the front. My stomach fluttered as I turned it over and slid my finger under the flap; maybe Cooper had written me a love letter!
Hey Lass,
I tried to tell you this in person the other night, but things went a bit sour and I didn’t quite manage it. I’m being trans-shipped. I’ve been offered a managerial position on another ship, which also does my favourite run. The current manager broke his contract, so they want me to start right away.
I have to be honest and say I think it’s best that I leave anyway… I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m head over heels for you. I thought we really clicked, from the first moment we met, and I kept hoping to make a go of it, but you never seemed interested. I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed, but in the end my friendship with you was more important, if maybe not in my best interests. Anyway, based on the guys you’ve been picking, I don’t think I’m your type anyway—I guess I never really had a chance.
The thing is, Ellie, I couldn’t bear to see you with Cooper. The man is an absolute wanker, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I tried so hard to be there for you every time you had your heart broken, but it got to be too much. You couldn’t see the kind of man Cooper was, and I couldn’t stand around and watch you get hurt again.
Cooper doesn’t deserve you. I’ve long since given up any hope that you might want to be with me—all I want is for you to realise that you deserve better. You deserve someone who can give you the world—not just a cruise.
Be good.
Jock
x
I read the note three times in quick succession, then sank down on the bed, feeling dizzy. If I’d thought my emotions were in turmoil before, it was nothing compared to how I felt now. I was grateful that Caitlin was still in the crew bar; I needed to sort out how I felt about the note. And about Jock.
Jock was an attractive man; I’d thought it more than once. But I’d never seen this coming, because I’d never allowed myself to think of him as anything other than a mate. As far as I’d been able to tell, he’d only ever shown me brotherly concern. Okay, so he’d never much liked any of the men I’d been interested in, but I’d always seen that as a big brother kind of thing, keeping an eye out to make sure I didn’t get hurt. I’d never even caught so much as a whiff of romantic interest. If I had… Well. I wasn’t really sure what I would have done. My emotions had been all over the map since even before I came aboard, and every time I thought things were finally settling out, something else happened to upset them.
I thought back over all of the conversations I’d had with Jock and felt both embarrassed and guilty. I’d talked to him so much about my relationships—he’d never seemed to mind, had even seemed to want to listen, but now that I knew how he’d felt, I realised that listening to me talk about Seth and Luciano and Cooper must have been incredibly painful for him. I knew he’d not liked them—that much had been obvious. And yet somehow I’d never really clocked that it was less that he disliked them, and more that he liked me. He’d given me advice on other m
en, he’d taken me to the beach, he’d made me tea when I was upset, he’d got proper het up when he thought I wasn’t being treated right…
Maybe I’d been so invested in keeping Jock as a friend that I’d never really let myself consider other possibilities. Maybe I’d been careful not to recognise any romantic vibes because I was afraid. Being friends was safe. It meant no anxieties about things ending, or risking losing an important relationship if things went wrong. And there was no doubt that Jock had been important to me.
This left me in an uncomfortable place. Things with Cooper seemed to be going okay again, and despite warnings from both Caitlin and Jock, I was still convinced that he was a good guy and that our relationship was a positive one. But…could I imagine myself with Jock? That was the big question.
Jock was lovely. He was kind, he was fun, he was easy to talk to, he was reliable… He was attractive and he certainly seemed to care about me. And as far as I knew, he wasn’t a skirt-chasing lunatic.
Had I missed an opportunity? Made a huge mistake?
I stared down at the letter in my hand and then crumpled it. Dammit. He should have told me in person. And he shouldn’t have waited so long. Now it was too late; I was with Cooper, and thinking about what could have been was pointless.
So, that was settled then.
I lay back on my bed and ran back through all of the conversations I’d had with Jock. I thought about the day on the beach, and imagined a different ending to that day, one where he kissed me and…
I shook my head and sat up. I was with Cooper. It didn’t matter that I’d been able to see myself kissing Jock easily, that in my head it seemed right; I had no right imagining myself with someone else. Cooper deserved better. I wouldn’t be happy if he were lying on his bed, dreaming about another woman, and I couldn’t have different standards for myself than for him.
I wished Cooper wasn’t working. It would have been nice to go snuggle up to him and feel like everything was okay. But he was working, so instead I changed into party clothes and headed back to the crew bar. Caitlin was still sitting where I’d left her, and I felt a wave of guilt crash over me for her leaving so abruptly. As I passed the bar, I spotted Nick at the bar; he must have come back after I’d left. He looked up and saw me; he waved and indicated he’d get me a drink.
Sex, Lies, and Cruising Page 24