He held open his arms, and I crawled into the space next to him and pretended I believed all the bullshit I’d just told him.
18
Slow It Down
Adam’s lashes fluttered in his sleep. His mouth pulled into a frown as he tossed and twitched. Every night was the same, and every morning he refused to talk about the things he dreamed.
We had shared a bed since we were children. Each weekend had been highlighted by sleepovers at Adam’s house. I didn’t want to bring him over to mine. Half of the time, Peter was out with his friends and Papa was sick.
Mrs. King had laid out a pallet on the floor for Adam to sleep in, since she’d argued I should take his bed. He’d made no argument, and I later learned it had taken nearly an hour to persuade her to let us share a bedroom in the first place. The fact that he was seven at the time, winning an argument with any adult was impressive to me.
We had spent hours creating imaginary worlds together, reenacting our favorite movies, inventing new ways to torture bugs. At night, we lay next to each other, and once Mrs. King came to check on us one last time, Adam climbed into bed with me. Instead of protesting, I squeezed his hand tightly and savored the closeness. It was the only time I let Adam know how much I cared about him, the only time I didn’t call him “kid” and let us be.
As we grew older, we progressed from hand holding to cuddling. As the midnight hours crawled by, I watched him long after he fell asleep and marveled how still and peaceful he seemed. He had smiled often in his sleep on those nights, with me wrapped in his arms.
Now he tossed and turned, sometimes with me in his arms. Where had the peace gone?
I traced his mouth with a finger and lowered my head to replace my finger with lips. Adam grunted something at the same time he flipped us, pinning me to the bed in a violent headlock.
“Adam!”
His eyes shot open, naked with whatever haunted his dreams. He frowned at me in confusion that was quickly replaced by horror and shame. He jerked as he released me and sat up to rub his face with his hands.
“Shit,” he sighed and turned to look at me as I sat up with him. “Sorry, Dani.”
I kept my hands wrapped over my legs and forced a smile. “No worries. I should have known better than to disturb you.” I almost flinched from the darkness in his gaze as he turned to face me fully.
“I almost choked you out, and you’re the one making excuses.”
We sat together in silence in the dim morning light. I wanted to ask him again about his nightmares, about the things he had done and seen. I wanted to rip that darkness out of him and throw it away, wanted to absorb it into my skin. But I didn’t know how, not with my own demons to fight.
“Peter’s first chemo appointment is today,” I said.
He hesitated before reaching to close the gap between us. He gathered me up into his lap and caressed my face while his lips brushed against my eyes and my forehead. “I’m sorry,” he said again.
I kissed him to ward off the deep ache in my chest. I didn’t have to know his nightmares, and maybe I didn’t want them any more than he wanted details of my sordid past. What mattered was now. We hadn’t discussed things like normal adults yet, hadn’t defined what this was or where it was headed. But we both needed this right now.
I savored him, and for a little while, the darkness didn’t exist for either of us.
Adam helped me watch the kids that day, and while Hailey and Peter were gone, I told him about what I’d learned last night.
“Maid of honor, huh?” he asked, lips twitching into a smile.
I rolled my eyes as I fixed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and watched the kids play in the backyard. “Shut your face. I can be a maid of honor.”
Adam laughed. “Yeah, but for my sister?” He shook his head. “Guess this makes me best brother, huh?”
“Best brother? What the hell is that supposed to be?”
He came to stand behind me and slid his hands over my hips. “You know, the best brother hits on the bridesmaids and gets the groom drunk the night before, that kind of stuff.”
“I’m the only bridesmaid you’ll be hitting on, King.” I turned in his arms and reached between us to squeeze his manhood tightly enough to make him squirm.
“Easy with those,” he growled as he pulled my hips forward and bit the juncture between my neck and jawline.
“Ew! Aunt Dani, what are you doing?” Anya exclaimed.
“Gross, y’all. Get a room,” Sasha added.
I turned to the back door and faced the shocked and disturbed looks on my niece and nephew’s faces. “Um…” I started and yelped when Adam bit me again. “We were just finishing the sandwiches, kids.” I squeezed Adam slightly again only to find him hard and growing.
He looked up and kept me pinned against his lower half as though it was no big deal. “Yep, just finishing lunch. Y’all wanna go ahead and eat in the living room? I need to talk some more to your aunt.”
Anya shrugged and ran up to grab her plate. “Okay, but can I watch Spider-Man?”
“Again?” Sasha groaned as he followed her and cast us one last suspicious glance.
“Yes! I love Spider-Man.”
Adam grinned and bent down to kiss me. I caught his mouth with my fingers and narrowed my eyes. “If you think I’m going to reward you after that, you’re dead wrong, King.”
“What are you talking about? I really want to talk to you,” Adam said while rocking his hips into mine. His gaze held promises that made me weak in the knees and hot in the right places.
I slipped out from between him and the kitchen counter. “Too bad, I’m going to watch Spider-Man.”
“You’ll regret that later, Pavlova,” he called.
“Bite me!”
“Gladly,” he said as he ran after me. I shrieked and jumped onto the couch, grabbing Anya up in my lap as a barrier. I buried my face in her sweet curls and did what I’d done best the last ten years. I lived in the moment.
We were eating dinner by the time Peter and Hailey came home. Adam had cooked pasta, another reason to endear him to me forever. By then, we were past the point of flirting and sharing tense looks, while Hailey did her best to corral the kids.
“Papa, you were gone all day!” Anya wrapped herself around Peter. I avoided looking at the hollows under his eyes.
“I missed you today, baby girl.” Peter’s voice was raspy.
Anya crawled up onto his lap and placed her hands on either side of his face. “Did the doctor give you medicine? Are you gonna get better?” Her eyes were earnest and bright in the living room lamplight. Sasha stood off to the side near Adam, who kept a loose hand on his shoulder. Hailey met my gaze from across the room, and my heart sank in my chest.
Bad news.
“They gave me my medicine. I hope I get better, but we won’t know yet. These things take time.”
Anya kissed him on the cheek. “You’ll get better, Papa. I know you will!”
Hailey cleared her throat, and Peter glanced up at her with a faint smile before turning his attention to the kids.
“I have some good news to tell you. You want to hear it?” Peter asked and smiled when Anya nodded her head. “Hailey and I are going to get married on Sunday. What do you think?”
Anya sat back and threw her hands over her mouth as she squealed. “Oh my goodness!” She giggled and turned to Hailey. “Can I be your flower girl?”
Hailey laughed. “It won’t be a big wedding, but I would love for you to be flower girl if Sasha’s the ring bearer.”
Sasha scowled at all of us when we looked for his answer. His face turned red in the following awkward seconds.
Adam broke the silence. “What do you think, bud?”
Sasha pushed Adam’s hand off his shoulder and ran upstairs. Adam sighed.
“Probably should give him some space,” I offered, and he nodded in agreement. “In fact, Anya it’s about time for bed. Let’s go get your pajamas, okay?”
&nb
sp; “Okay, Aunt Dani.” Anya kissed Peter again and threw her arms around Hailey. “I am so excited!”
I followed her upstairs. While she rambled about the wedding, I did my best to push the look Hailey had given me out of my mind. Instead, I smiled and answered my niece’s questions. Anya demanded to sleep with her big brother, and Sasha, to my surprise, let her in without complaint.
When I came downstairs, Peter was already in bed, and Hailey was talking in hushed tones with Adam. They looked up as I sat on the sofa next to them.
“So, how did it really go?” I asked.
Hailey rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Not so great. His cell count was too low. The cancer is progressing faster, and they aren’t sure if the chemo will get it in time. Treatment was rough on him too. I hate seeing him suffer like this, but he’s determined to go through with it.”
“At least you got him to say yes.” I smirked.
Hailey rolled her eyes, but her smile was genuine.
19
Hurt
Starlight peeked through the bedroom window of Adam’s apartment sometime later. He had insisted on bringing me here after the long day we’d had. After the struggle of keeping on a good front for my family, I’ll admit I was feeling more than a little vulnerable. Adam’s sculpted muscles were a welcome distraction. I perched on the edge of his bed, watching him undress. Shadows and dim light played off the muscles of his back as he stripped off his shirt and tossed it to join his socks and jeans. Once he was stripped to his shorts, he turned to face me, and I caught my breath at the heat that sparked in his eyes.
“You okay, Dani?”
I shook my head.
Nothing lasts forever.
I opened my mouth to speak, but the words were caught in my throat, a ready string of Russian he wouldn’t understand. I wasn’t sure I could translate what I wanted in a way that would make sense to him. A lump thickened in my throat, a well of sorrow twisting and clawing its way and springing fresh tears in my eyes.
I feel like I’m losing my brother, I wanted to say. But it was more than that. It was the confusion I’d felt when my mother left us, when my father wasted slowly away to the same disease that now infected my brother. It was the self-hatred I’d known after I broke Adam King’s heart, and the long string of mistakes that followed. I might have sunk even farther if it weren’t for him.
Adam crossed the short distance to stand at the edge of the bed and pushed my knees apart as he lowered himself, forcing me to crawl backwards. I lifted my chin, welcoming his kiss, and gasped when he kissed my tears away instead.
He mumbled between kisses, “I’m here… not going anywhere…”
A primal hunger urged me to taste and feel in ways only he could illicit. I wanted to memorize every centimeter of his skin. I grasped his head and pulled him to me, hooking a leg about his waist.
Adam sucked in a shallow breath as I ran my hands over his chest and raked my nails down his back. I scraped his lip with my teeth and sucked his tongue into my mouth. The muscles in his back and arms rippled as he shifted and rocked so I could feel him against me. The thin layers of clothes separating us only made me want him more, and I slipped from underneath him, forced him to lie back so I could lathe kisses down his chest. I reached down between us to rub him with my palm. His muscles clenched, and a low groan vibrated through his chest in response.
I pulled the band of his shorts up and over his length and down his legs. The sight of him, firm and full with desire for me, coupled with heavy-lidded desire in his eyes, only made me hungrier. I swirled my tongue over the tip once before taking him as far as I could.
His hips bucked, but I kept a firm grip on him, and when my own desire was too great, I released him and climbed onto his lap. I kept his gaze as I lowered myself onto his length, and a sweet, stuttered sigh escaped both of us at the sensation.
His hips lifted swiftly to meet mine, and his hands grasped my ass as I rose with him, increasing our rhythm. His hands were everywhere, and then he rose to cover my nipple with his mouth at the same moment he increased his pace.
We shuddered together when we found release.
Sex was rarely this perfect for me. I didn’t expect the emotions that stole over me in the moments after. Whatever release I had been looking for was lost in the way he held my face in his hands, his eyes roving over my face with a kind of fierce want and warmth.
“I love you, Morning Star,” he whispered.
I stared down at him, dumbfounded. “I… Adam, you know I…” I choked on my words again. The languages blurred and mixed in my mind as I tried to hold on to the right words.
I jumped when Adam’s cell began vibrating on the bedside table. His attention stayed on me as I left his side to check the screen. Hailey’s name in bold made me pick it up to answer.
“Hailey?”
“Danica? Where the hell did y’all go?”
“We came back to Adam’s—”
“Never mind, just meet us at the hospital.”
I gripped the corner of the table. “H-hospital?” Adam shifted on the bed behind me.
Hailey’s answer was clipped. “We’re taking him into ICU. His body rejected the treatment.”
“God, Hailey, I’m so sorry we weren’t there…”
“Tell Adam to call our mother on your way here.”
“Okay, I will… Hailey?” I turned to Adam and let the phone fall from my hand to the table. “She hung up.” I stared at the nicks and scratches in the mahogany surface.
Adam already had his jeans on and was working on his boots. “I’ll drive.”
“He’s gonna pull through, Dani,” Adam said while squeezing my hand. It was the fifth time he had reassured me since we’d gotten in his truck and made it to the hospital. The calm in his voice was belied by the speed in which he drove.
“Sure,” I said, unconvinced as we passed the reception desk and darted for the elevator. Maybe I would believe that if Petey and I hadn’t already dealt with our fair share of shit. Adam couldn’t have known. No matter, he was there to witness part of our lives. He didn’t know.
Adam asked for Peter’s room number at the desk, and I chewed on my thumbnail in the painful seconds we waited.
“Room 203,” the nurse said.
“Thank you,” Adam replied. “Could you tell us how he’s—Dani, wait!” I had pulled my hand from his and rushed to find the room number.
“Miss?” the nurse called after me.
Hailey stood outside Adam’s door and grabbed my arm. Her face was drawn, green eyes struck with fear. “He’s resting. We can’t go in right now.”
I shook my head. “I need to see my brother.”
Hailey’s grip tightened. “Danica, there’s nothing we can do.”
My vision clouded with the rage her words fueled in me. I shoved her back. “Shut the fuck up!”
“Dani…” Adam’s hand was heavy on my shoulder.
“Let go of me.” I tried to shrug him off, but he took my face between his hands, and my vision cleared.
“Dani. He’s going to pull through.”
Tears blurred my vision. “You don’t know that!”
“Miss, you need to move to the waiting room. Hailey, you know you can’t be here,” the nurse said somewhere behind us.
“I know, sorry about this,” Hailey said. “Adam, could you bring her? I’ll let y’all know when you can come in.”
Adam’s mouth thinned, and his brow lowered as he kept his focus on me. “I’ve got her.” Then to me, he said, “C’mon, Pavlova. I promise you’ll see him.”
I tensed but let him lead me away. Something snapped inside when we started to walk away. I’d be damned before I walked away without at least seeing my brother. They didn’t know.
I was ten years old again, and Petey was guiding me by the shoulders into Papa’s hospital room to say goodbye. I was afraid of the skeletal, pasty thing waiting in the hospital bed. That wasn’t my papa. I ran from Petey’s arms. I never got to say good
bye.
I choked on a sob and shouldered Adam off again, running back down the hall. I’d always been faster than he was.
“Danica!” Hailey jumped back in surprise as I shoved past her and opened the door to Peter’s room. I rested against it once I was inside, and the scene of monitors, tubes, and the bed hit me with the force of a sledgehammer.
The sound of Hailey and Adam’s protests echoed from the other side of the door, but I was already across the room. Peter looked far worse than he had earlier that night.
How could he deteriorate this fast?
I crawled up on the hospital bed, careful of the many wires and cords attached to his body, the tubes keeping his vitals stable. I held his hand in mine.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there,” I whispered.
“She can’t be in there!” the nurse argued.
“I know, just give her a minute,” Hailey said. “Adam, I thought you had her.”
“She needed to see him.” Adam’s voice was hard, and then he was in the room with me. His hand was on my shoulder again, but this time I didn’t feel the need to fight or flee. “Dani?”
“I’m sorry,” I said, but my voice broke. “I had to see him.”
After a moment, Adam spoke. “We have to go back outside.”
“I know.” I swallowed and then lifted Peter’s hand to my lips. “I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered to him. Then I let Adam take me outside.
Hailey was furious with me, understandably, since it was her job on the line. In times like these, it helped that Mrs. King was queen bee of the nursing staff. The waiting room was filled with weeping strangers, so Adam sat on the floor next to me in the entrance hall. We leaned against the glass window with the downtown lights glowing behind us.
Adam hadn’t said anything since I walked out of the waiting room and picked this spot outside the ward.
I couldn’t seem to shut up. “I should have been there with him, when Papa died. Instead, I ran away like a coward.”
She Walks In Moonlight Page 14