Devotion (Indecision Duet Book 2)

by Brittany Fuller

  Finally, I drop my head to the floor and turn. Slowly, I let my eyes lift to meet her stare. And when I do, worry fills those beautiful blue eyes that I love so much and I have no words to say to stop the sadness overfilling them.

  “Who is she, Noah? And why did she say ‘our baby?’”

  Evelyn

  Noah stands in front of me, defeat in his eyes. A worry I have never seen there before. He swallows a few times hard before glancing away briefly. When he looks back, he takes a few steps towards me, but I take a step back needing space to fully digest all that just took place in the last few minutes.

  “Why don’t you sit down, and I’ll explain.” He suggests, but my feet stay grounded.

  “No, I think I will just keep to standing, thanks.”

  Worry takes hold again, and Noah looks into my eyes for a few moments before glancing at the floor and beginning to pace the room. His head held low, he shoves his hands in his pockets and doesn’t speak as he walks back and forth in front of me. Finally, he stops and faces the back wall in the room. He rubs his hand over the stubble gracing his lower chin and takes a deep breath before speaking.

  “I met Becky in high school,” he begins. My stomach feels sick from even the start of what I know will be a long explanation. “We didn’t go to the same school. I went to county and she came from money. Her parents had her placed in an all-girls upper-class school in Louisville. I met her one night at a party one of my friends was having. Fell for her first thing. She didn’t like me much at first, always tried dodging me, but led me on just enough to keep me coming back. I was 17, she was 16.”

  He turns and looks at me, and I see concern in his eyes. The look is laced with a distance I am not sure I will ever be able to cross. “Is this too much?” He asks. I shake my head no, and although I can’t find the words to express how much I need to know everything, even though I really don’t want to, he gets the hint and continues.

  “Anyways,” he says, taking a few steps over and sitting down in the recliner. I stay standing, knowing the truth that is coming will make it too difficult to sit still. “After a few months of me hot on her heels, she came around and agreed to go out with me. Absolutely lost in her, I didn’t even catch on, or maybe blindly didn’t want to see, how she kept me hidden from the rest of her life. I never met her parents, hardly hung out with her friends, only picked her up most nights of the week and we would head out to my world and leave hers behind.”

  Shaking his head as the memories flood back, I will myself to become numb. To be unsensitized to all that I am being told. But I know it won’t be that easy. Noah’s face fills with hate as he looks over in the corner of the room. Finally, he continues.

  “After a year or so, I started wondering why she never let me in. Why we always left. She had become a part of my life here, and even though I wondered for a while why I was never invited into her world, it was only then that I started pushing the issue. One summer afternoon, I met her parents, and if I had known what I know now I would have walked away that first minute I set eyes on her.”

  He shoots out of his chair and walks a few steps towards me. Grabbing my shoulders and looking in my eyes, he steadies my world slightly as he says, “This is too much, isn’t it?”

  “No,” I whisper. “I need to hear it. I want to understand.”

  He pulls me close and kisses the top of my head before releasing me and beginning to pace in front of me once again. “Her parents were less than enthused that Becky chose who she did to be with. All this time, she had made up lies of where she was going when she would sneak out to be with me and they didn’t see a guy like me, or any guy for that matter, coming. Her father had come from a long line of suit wearing, high dollar businessmen, and to say he was hell-bent on Becky marrying someone like him is an understatement.”

  The nine to five world. Suddenly the pieces that I have been trying to put together for the last few months make a little more sense. The light that is finally being shed is allowing me to clearly see Noah and what our struggle has been since the beginning. He looks back at me and I nod for him to continue. Glancing off once again, he pauses for a few moments gathering his thoughts.

  “So, I changed. I had helped momma run the farm for a few years by the time I was 18 after daddy had shot himself, but I left and tried to be what she wanted. What he wanted.”

  I can’t help the look of shock on my face as Noah turns to look at me again. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the woman who just showed up saying she had Noah’s child, let alone a confession about Noah’s father.

  Noah shrugs defeated. “But that didn’t work either. Momma pushed me to keep my scholarship at Ol’Miss, and I did for a few years until the distance was too hard and I almost lost Becky to her father’s world.”

  “That is when you met Rex?” I ask. More of a statement than anything else, but I figure it’s my time to interject even a few words into this conversation - his heartfelt confession.

  “That’s right.” Noah laughs slightly. “That’s where my road eventually led to you, even though I didn’t know it yet.” Noah’s face softens for about two seconds before a darkness takes over as he continues. This time though, he doesn’t look away. “You see, everyone told me it wouldn’t work with Becky. Everyone told me I was in way over my head. But I had to find a way. Anyway I could, just to be with her.”

  His words sting and reach to a place deep inside I didn’t know could exist. The shame his statement provokes makes me look to the floor briefly, before raising my eyes to look at him once again.

  “I tried everything and every way to fit into her world.” He tells me saddened by the memory. “I put off my family, took online courses and went to work for her father. I thought it was working. I thought we were ok. I was traveling a lot between work and checking in at school, but I was making something of myself. I was going somewhere, and I knew soon her father had to take notice. Soon, I was going to be good enough.”

  “Noah, you should never change yourself,” I begin to say. “You were always good…”

  “But one night!” He cuts me off. “She showed up at my door in tears. Told me she was pregnant.” He laughs a sinister laugh. Shaking his head a few times like he almost can’t believe the irony he continues. “I was so happy. The tears she cried did nothing to quiet the joy I was feeling inside. A baby? God, I know maybe most men aren’t sappy shits about that sort of thing, but honest Ev, I was excited. I saw a future in her that I didn’t have to work for anymore. I saw a child, that was both me and her. An end to the constant struggle to ‘be enough.’”

  I’m stunned to silence. I remind myself to breathe as he continues. “I proposed.” He says before continuing with a laugh. “She said yes, and with a marriage and a baby on the way I left on another work trip and felt higher than I had in a long time.”

  I swallow over the lump in my throat. My mouth gone dry, I manage to ask, “So, then what happened?”

  His face quickly meets my own. A hatred fire inside his eyes, he stares at me for a moment. “I came home early.” Pausing, he steps forward. The intensity in his stare makes me nervous. His posture scares me, but I wait for the rest of his answer. “Imagine, my whole world, baby and fiance at home. I couldn’t wait to get back to them. To start the life I had been fighting for.”

  He stops before he continues, a look I’ve never seen before fills his features. “You ever walk in on something so horrifying it rips your heart out, slaps you back in your place and makes you so sick you’d do anything to kill the pain. Even if that means wanting to end the person right in front of you?”

  I shake my head. “Well, I did! I came home to find Eddie’s car in MY driveway. No big deal I thought, must have brought something over for Becky from her father. Eddie was Mr. Brown’s right-hand man after all. No Evelyn, do you know what he came over for? To fuck my fiance. To fuck with my life. To end the horrible fight that I was stupid to care about for over seven fucking years.”

  My ey
es well over with tears. But Noah doesn’t stop. “Do you know how that feels? Do you know what that does to a man? To walk in and see your world, baby and soon to be wife, being taken, tainted, ruined by a man you could never amount to be?”

  I shake my head furiously, not wanting to hear any more. Trying to silence all the thoughts running through my brain. Trying to connect the dots that are coming at me faster than I can process them and put them in their places.

  “When I was leaving town, I got the call.” He says quietly. “I wasn’t planning on being gone long. I needed to clear my damn head for sure. But, after all, that was still my child. Or so I thought. That is until she told me it was Eddie’s. I hung up that phone and drove for hours. I didn’t know where I was going. Just that I was not staying here. By the time I reached Texas, I knew I couldn’t go back. I called Rex, and he said he had a place for me to stay. I called my momma and Jolene, they said they understood and to take all the time I needed. Jolene promised to not let Becky find out where I went, and I changed my number as soon as I found myself in Northern California a few days later.”

  “Why are you just now telling me this?” I ask.

  Noah shrugs. “I wasn’t trying to keep it hidden. Or maybe I was, damn it I don’t know. I just…,” he trails off. His eyes are filled with sadness when he turns to look at me. “I just need some time, Ev.”

  I’m shocked. Stunned, I blink a few times trying to let what he just said sink in. What did I just hear? He needs some time? What kind of time, and for what? My look must be filled with worry, but he doesn’t speak. He looks behind me and swallows once before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Opening them back up, he looks at me like a man who is lost, and I soon fill with fear that I might never bring him back.

  “Can you give me that?” He asks.

  For a minute I think about fighting him. For a brief second, I think about screaming, kicking, clawing my way out of this mess and trying to get us back to where we were about an hour earlier, standing in his kitchen with the whole world in front of us.

  But I don’t.

  I look Noah in the eyes and don’t say a word. Time stops as I hold his stare, full of confliction and thoughts I can’t read - and most likely don’t want to. I nod once, smile slightly, and turn to leave.

  He doesn’t stop me.

  I’m halfway down the steps in front of the house before I hear the door open. I keep walking, needing the open space and fresh air to wipe away everything I just heard. Everything I’ve been needing to know, and yet everything I wish I never did.

  “Where ya going, blondie?” I hear Rex ask. “Mind if I tag along?”

  I swing around quick, a fire burning deep inside. Needing to hurt something as bad as I feel, I figure Rex is the perfect target since he knew about this all along and said nothing.

  “Where am I going?” I mimic in a furious way. I start charging towards him the second his feet hit the gravel. “Where do you think I am going, Rex? What do you think I can even begin to think after…” my breathing quickens. I’m gasping for air, air that can’t come fast enough. My head feels light and my vision feels blurry the more my breathing picks up. I reach Rex and start pounding his chest with my fists as he stays put right in front of me. “How could I? What did he… Who….” I can’t breathe. My world starts spinning. My legs feel weak, and my knees start to buckle.

  “Woah!” I hear Rex say as he catches me. He swings me up in his arms and looks behind him at the house. Quickly he walks a few steps to the right and places me down steady next to my car. I lean against it for balance.

  “Breathe Ev,” he says sternly like an older brother. I comply a little at first, and then start taking deeper breaths. The deeper the breath, the more I gain my strength. The strength that gives way to tears which fall slowly at first and then faster as my deep breathing succumbs to heavy sobs.

  Rex pulls me in tight for a hug, and although I want nothing more than to kick his ass for not telling me everything I just had to find out the hard way, I hold on to him for dear life. A life that seemed to finally be on the mend before it got rocked worse than before. I claw at his back, pulling his shirt and wanting to rip it the way my life just got ripped apart. He doesn’t budge. He lets me fall apart and holds me tight. Knowing how much I hurt, he doesn’t speak a word only understands my need to let it all out, even if that means taking it out on him.

  “It’s going to be ok.” I hear him say. That word burns, first in my heart, and then all through my body as the realization that it most definitely is not ok sinks in more. I shake my head against his chest, which makes him pull me in tighter.

  “No,” I mumble into his chest. “No!” It’s the only word I can speak. The only word that will escape through all the other thoughts polluting my mind. Thoughts frantically taking hold and scaring me half to death.

  I hear footsteps, and open my eyes to see Gwen standing in the shadows. She comes a little closer, and I can see the worry and tears in her eyes. Rex pulls back from me slightly. Grabbing both of my shoulders, he bends down a little to look me in the eyes. “Want to get out of here?”

  I nod through my tears. He pulls me in tighter. “Alright, blondie.” He says. A few moments pass before he speaks again. “But I’m driving, because your track record isn’t so great when you’re mad at the world.”

  I pull away from him and laugh, swatting at him a little which earns me a smile. Pulling my keys out of my purse. I hand them to him and he opens the doors. Gwen walks up, and after a moment of silence and a worried look she pulls me close to her side and wraps one of her arms around me as we walk around to the passenger side.

  “You know, I’ll kick his ass. Just say the word lady.” She teases, which makes me smile through my heartbreak. “But there is only one problem,” she says nudging me a little. “I think you kind of love the guy, and you know what?” We stop and look at one another before she continues. “I think he kind of loves you too.”

  Tears fall down my face as she pulls me in for a hug before climbing in the back seat. Rex starts the engine to my car as I stand for a moment staring back at Noah’s place. The uncertainty that surrounds me scares me half to death. The space he needs, even though I understand, hurts and burns its way around my heart. I climb in the passenger side and watch his house get smaller as we drive down the gravel road away from a perfect love now left shattered a second time. Not knowing if I will ever see him again, my fear takes hold as I close my eyes and worry the only decision left to make might be to never look back.

  Noah

  The t.v. buzzes with a noise I am barely listening to in the background. Laying on the couch, I stare at the ceiling watching the fan turn round and round, counting the blades as they whip around above me. Looking at my phone on the coffee table, I almost cave and pick it up to call her. To tell her I was crazy, that this is stupid - and even through all the bullshit, all I need is her.

  But I don’t. I stare at it, willing it to ring on its own. But I know even if it did, I wouldn’t have the strength to answer it and face her. Not after what came crashing into my world night before last.

  I called Becky the next morning and met her at the hospital for a paternity test. My decision to do so having nothing to do with the baby, more so the mother and her lack of honesty in our past. They said it could take up to three days for results. Three days for me to try and make some sort of sense out of this madness.

  Picking up the beer sitting next to my phone, I sit up and down the contents before walking to the fridge for another. My mother is gone, having taken Anna May to go meet Jolene in town after her shift. Not having to be back at the fire station until tomorrow, today presents itself as the perfect opportunity to drink it all away. To erase my past, my fucked up present and the future that I am slowly feeling slip once again from my life.

  A car door shuts outside making me stop as I take my first sip of the new bottle and wonder who could be stopping by. I hadn’t talked to Evelyn since she left night
before last, and I don’t think she’d just show up after the way we left things. But, then again, I never figured she was one to come across the country either.

  I stand in the kitchen waiting for a knock at the door. Instead, the person just lets them self in. Footsteps sound down the hallway before I see Rex round the corner. I should have known. Instead of greeting his intrusion I lift the beer to my lips and roll my eyes.

  “Well, glad to see you’re taking this so well.” Rex starts in as he glances at the several other beer cans in the trash before walking to the fridge and popping one open himself.

  “Fuck off!” I say, trudging back into the living room and taking my position once again on the couch. Rex follows and flops in the chair across the room giving me no excuse not to have to look at him. So, I glare at his ass and dare him to speak first.

  “You know, just because there might be a baby out there with your name on it doesn’t mean you can’t still live the life you planned on before you found out.”

  I just roll my eyes. He has no idea. Not even an ounce of an idea of what this means. How being tied to Becky would never leave enough room for Evelyn. Becky would make it her life’s work to ruin her. Not only that, but a child is not something that Evelyn signed up for. Not something that should tie her down when she has so much to become. Even I’m not a fool to believe that a woman would easily just be ok with it, forget her future and stop everything to help me raise a child I didn’t know I had up until a few days ago. Especially not a woman like Evelyn. Shit, I almost lost her once to her need for freedom. To her desire to climb the ladder and achieve her dreams. There is no way she’d want to stick around and help me playhouse for a child that isn’t her own.