by Rea Frey
“And we’ll help,” Carol offers. “Charlie would be happy to help. And Fred, I’m sure, right, A?”
Alice nods. “Totally. Maybe he can be a full-time manny.”
Grace laughs. “What did I miss?”
Lee’s stomach tightens as she hears Noah knock. What if they don’t like him once they spend more one-on-one time with him? What if they don’t see what she sees? She knows she has Grace’s approval at least, since she and Noah are already friends. The women drift back to the playroom. She can’t wait to see Mason, but she is just as excited to see Noah. Despite his polite refusal, she’s not giving up.
She drowns the nerves and opens the door.
15
lee
Mason enters first. He assesses the floor littered with shoes, Zoe’s play kitchen stacked with various wooden pots, pans, and cups in the corner, and the bookshelves bulging with too many chapter books.
“Ladies.” He nods, folding his thin arms across his T-shirt. “Carol, this place is messy.”
“Mason, that’s not nice,” Lee scolds.
Carol laughs. “Sorry, bud. Zoe isn’t as neat as you are, I’m afraid.”
“You should tell Zoe that it has been scientifically proven that if you are messy as a child you will be messy as an adult. You’re training her to think this is normal.” He motions to the mess. “Is this normal?”
Carol nods. “I’m afraid so. This is, in fact, normal.”
The ladies smother their laughter as Mason dramatically steps over strewn toys to get to the patio door.
“Oh my God, I love him so much, I could cry,” Grace says, wiping away tears.
Noah lifts his hand. “Messiness aside, it’s nice to see you all again.”
They say their hellos, and Lee approaches Noah. “How did it go?”
“Really well. Mason now knows everything there is to know about sperm whales. And Komodo dragons.”
“Wonderful.” She laughs. “I’m sure that will come in handy someday.”
“Why don’t we head outside?” Carol asks. “What can I get you to drink, Noah?”
“A beer would be great. Or whatever you have.”
They step onto the deck, and Carol makes the proper introductions. Carol checks on Charlie and the food and yells to the kids that Mason is here.
She’s been taught to announce him. Lee appreciates it, even if Mason doesn’t engage. The girls keep playing, but Luca comes running and waves.
“Hey, Mason. Want to come play?”
Mason rocks to his toes and thrusts two fingers of each hand into the pockets of his navy pants. “Did you know that the largest lizard is the Komodo dragon? It grows up to ten feet long and weighs a hundred and seventy-six pounds.”
“Oh.” Luca looks to his mother for help. “Dragons are cool.”
“They are total carnivores and eat deer, snakes, pigs, fish, and water buffalo. Adults are cannibals and even eat their own species.”
Luca looks alarmed. “They eat other dragons?”
“Hey, Mase. Let’s maybe cool it on the facts,” Noah suggests.
“Yes,” Mason says emphatically. “In fact, nearly ten percent of their diet is made up of their own newly hatched Komodo dragons.”
“They eat their own babies?” Luca whispers. “Sick.”
“They do eat their own babies. They even—”
“Okay, okay. Time to play,” Lee says.
Luca shrugs and bounces back to the swing set, where the girls take turns sliding before seeing who can climb the ladder the fastest. Mason edges into the backyard, as if dipping a toe into an icy pool. He slinks toward the swing set, stops, and makes a beeline for the garden instead. Lee opens her mouth to warn him not to step on any of the flowers, but Carol anticipates what she’s going to say and drapes a hand on her arm.
“He’s fine. He can’t hurt anything. I showed him where he can and can’t step. He’s always great at following directions.”
She had? When? Lee looks for Noah. He is speaking animatedly to Grace. Her best friend holds her thermos to her lips and lowers it. Noah leans in almost affectionately, and Grace laughs at something he says, her fingers near his forearm. A stab of jealousy disrupts the moment. Why is Grace allowed to touch him, but he rebuffed her so blatantly when she tried to get close? She knows it’s not the same thing; she’s essentially Noah’s boss. And she wants her friends to get to know Noah. That’s the entire reason she invited him. Plus, Noah and Grace have known each other for years. So why is she so bothered? Nothing has changed … except her own feelings. She brushes away the envy as Grace walks over, and the women fan in a semicircle on the deck. The men finally join them, beers in hand.
“So, let’s finalize this trip, ladies!”
The guys groan, everyone except Noah, as the women launch into lavish detail about the massages they will have, the hikes they will take, and the utter kid-free relaxation.
“And you’re leaving us poor, defenseless men to take care of these little monsters? The inhumanity!” Fred exclaims.
Carol turns to Noah with a timid smile. “And you’re okay with staying?”
“Of course.” He nudges Lee with his elbow. “We’ve already discussed it, right?”
Lee looks into his eyes. “We did.”
“Yay, it’s settled then,” Alice exclaims. “We’re all going. Our first girls’ trip without kids. It’s a miracle.” She glances at her watch. “And it only took about a hundred years to get here.”
Carol narrows her eyes at Alice. “The real miracle will be if you don’t overpack. We are taking one car, which means one suitcase per person.”
“What? I don’t overpack, do I?” Alice asks. She flattens a hand against her chest.
“Oh, please. You are the definition of overpacking,” Grace adds.
“So, I won’t overpack.” She makes an X over her heart. “Cross my heart.”
“And hope to die?” Lee teases.
“Oh totally,” she says. “Hope to die.”
Fred jumps in to change the subject. A few minutes later, Lee glances to the sliding glass door. When did Mason go inside?
He stands, forehead flattened against the panes, arms and legs splayed like a starfish. She waves to him, and he stares back, not blinking, frozen, a complicated child lost in a set of thoughts she can’t possibly comprehend.
Lee thinks about the trip, about leaving her little boy, and something catches in her chest. She truly wants to go, needs to give herself a break, but can’t imagine being away from him for even one night. She studies her friends, their lightness almost infectious. She tips her head to the sky and takes a cleansing breath.
She glances at Noah, who is laughing at something Grace said. The trust she has for him … it is unparalleled. She should go. She deserves some fun.
He will take good care of her son.
monday
16
lee
Lee goes through the routine. Rise. Dress. Schedule. Get Mason settled. As he exits the bathroom, Lee asks him to sit. She sorts through the various ways to approach this conversation. She can be calm mom, excited mom, or direct mom.
The steam from her coffee drifts and changes shape. A wispy snake. A giraffe. The beginning of a genie from its bottle. She shelves the obvious distraction and focuses on Mason as he sits across from her.
“Carol, Alice, and Grace have arranged a short trip to the mountains in North Carolina, and I want to go. That means I would be away from you for seventy-two hours. Two full nights and three days. How do you feel about that?” She will be direct mom.
Mason forces the pads of his fingers together, flexing his knuckles in rapid-fire succession until she knows his fingers will start to feel like glass. “Where will I be?”
She keeps her voice even and calm. “You will be here with Noah. It will be this Thursday and Friday, and we will come back Saturday. Noah will complete your sessions during the day, and then he will sleep here at night.”
“Where will he sl
eep?”
“Probably my room.” Best not to offer open-ended answers. She has to present a detailed plan. At the thought of Noah peeling back her sheets and sleeping where she sleeps, she wonders if she is really ready for that kind of intimacy. Or if he is. “Would you be okay with Noah staying here?” She waits for the words to process, for him to run through the minutiae of their days and replace her with Noah. Noah making him breakfast. Noah making sure he flosses before bed. Noah tucking him in. Noah in the room next door in case he has a nightmare. Even as she imagines it, she falters. How can she not be here if he needs her? Noah is an exceptional therapist, but he isn’t her. She almost tells Mason to forget about it, that she doesn’t really have to go.
“I like this plan.” He pushes away from the table.
“Wait.” She reaches toward a body already retreating. “Does that mean you’re okay with me going? And you’re okay with Noah staying here for two nights and three days?”
He blinks, his eyes bright and as piercingly blue as the day he was born. “Yes, Mother. That’s exactly what that means.” The click of his door signals the end of their conversation. He doesn’t ask her for specifics or structure. She simply said the word Noah and he said okay. Why doesn’t she feel better about that? A knock on the back door fragments her thoughts. She straightens her shirt and hair, fisting her hot mug in one palm while she tugs the door open with the other.
“How’d it go?” Noah doesn’t even say hello, his nerves as fragile as hers.
“Perfect, actually.” She is still digesting her son’s acceptance of her request. “No apprehension, no questions.”
He steps inside. “He might have more questions later, but as I said, I’m available.” He leans toward her and for one glorious moment, she thinks he’s going to kiss her. But instead, he tips forward to glance into her cup.
“Ah, the good stuff. Thank God.”
She rolls her eyes. “I’m an addict. What can I say? I’m assuming you’d like a cup?”
“You assume right.”
She pours him a fresh cup and they sit across from each other at the table. “Should we discuss the logistics?”
“Sure.” He takes a tentative sip. “Mason and I have a very set schedule. The only thing that will be different is I will be sleeping here.”
“Of course. I know. It’s just…” She swallows the knot that slithers up her esophagus. “Strange, I guess. Strange that I have permission to go. Not permission. But you know what I mean.”
“I do know what you mean. You need this. You’ll have a great time.”
She nods as her heart attempts to catch up to her mind. Another knock on the door startles them both. She looks at the clock, but it’s not yet time for her first appointment.
“Anybody home?” Grace enters the kitchen and Lee whistles at the tailored suit and sexy bun.
“What have you done with Grace?”
“Wow, thanks.” Grace’s eyes drift to Noah and she lifts her hand in a friendly wave. “Hi, you.”
He gives her an appreciative once-over. “Hey.”
Grace looks between them. “Am I interrupting anything important or…”
Noah directs his attention back to Lee. “Nope. This one here is going on the trip. Just decided. Right, Lee?”
Grace claps her hands, and suddenly, Lee feels like they have been pushing her to go before she’s ready. She doesn’t want to feel pressure. But isn’t this what she’s been waiting for—spontaneity, fun with her friends, a break from routine, freedom—and her son granting it to her without an issue? That’s the most important part. Mason is comfortable. Lee stands. “I have a client.” She turns to Grace. “Did we plan something I forgot about?”
“No. I just wanted to see if you had time for a cup of coffee. Should have checked your schedule first.”
Lee hesitates. “You’re welcome to hang out for a bit, unless you have to rush off?”
Noah sorts through his OT bag. “Stay. Mason and I don’t start for another twenty minutes. Want to join me for a cup of coffee?”
Grace’s eyes flick to Lee’s face for permission. “Sure, if that’s okay with you, Lee?”
“Don’t be silly. Of course.”
Noah pours Grace a cup of coffee as Grace washes her hands. Lee refrains from rolling her eyes. She jokes that Grace’s fingers must be devoid of fingerprints from her obsessive hand washing. She dries them and joins Noah at the table. Lee listens to their easy conversation and wishes, selfishly, that she made people as comfortable as Grace. “I’ll call you later?”
“Sounds good.” She laughs at something Noah says. Lee fights the jealousy rioting through her heart and reaches across the table for her coffee cup. He barely acknowledges her as he waits for Grace to finish her story.
While they talk, she imagines another scene: Noah grabbing Lee’s wrist and gently easing her back. Leaning down, her freshly washed fan of hair sweeping across his cheek. His aftershave clinging to her nose as she kisses him. She imagines the words: “I’ll miss you when you go.” She imagines her fingers rippling along his skin until he shivers.
Instead, she steps into her studio, not wanting to leave her best friend and love interest alone. She knows Grace is older than Noah and isn’t interested in him, but still. Her mind moves in a chaotic flurry, her heart zooming around her chest. Like a snooping child, she presses her ear to the door and strains to hear their conversation. Grace laughs. Noah laughs. She steps back, somehow feeling betrayed. She knocks away the silly thoughts. Yes, Noah and Grace are friends, but that’s not what bothers her. She and Noah don’t laugh like that. They don’t share a lighthearted relationship. But Lee doesn’t really share a lighthearted relationship with anyone except Grace.
“Hello?” Her client, Tally, enters through the garage door.
Lee plasters on a fake smile and buries her thoughts. “Hey, come in.”
Tally sits in the chair and Lee pumps her up to chest height. She runs her fingers through the thick, blond mane. A few strays catch in the webbing of her fingers and float beneath the chair. The black smock goes around Tally’s throat, but all she can think about is Noah. Noah’s throat. Wanting Noah. Wanting to take Grace’s place in the other room.
All this time, she’s been too afraid to admit what she really wants. She removes her scissors, ready to give a dry cut, and catches sight of herself in the mirror. Her cheeks flame. Her body is primed for retreat, or attack, or both.
Her hands get to work. She should know better than anyone that wanting something and having something are two different things. Her past is a prime example. Lee has worked hard for what she has, but a relationship with Noah is what she wants, no matter the effort.
She snips the dead ends from Tally’s hair and begins to create soft layers to frame her face. She cranks the music as she works and loses herself in the moment.
All she needs is time to convince him why she’s worth it.
jealousy [jel-uh-see]
noun
1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, as in love
I have always been a jealous person.
When I was a child.
As a teen.
In my twenties.
And now.
Everyone thinks I’m so calm.
That I’m appropriate (I despise that word), but they have no idea how spiteful I can really be.
I have to be careful though … jealousy is truly a green-eyed monster that rears its ugly head when you least expect it.
And haven’t you heard?
Jealousy kills.
tuesday
17
grace
“I have to tell her. I can’t go another day without telling her. I’m losing my mind.”
Grace waits for some sort of reassurance on the other end of the phone. She mouths the directions from her open cookbook, while attempting to talk and have dinner
prepared before Luca makes it home from soccer practice.
“What are you so worried about?”
She wipes her hands on a dish towel. “Nothing. Everything. Her never speaking to me again. I don’t know.”
“But you’re her best friend.”
She tosses the towel across the counter. “Exactly. That’s exactly my point. I’m her best friend.”
After a moment of hesitation: “Just tell her.”
Grace stirs the meat and rice with a wooden spoon and adds some more soy sauce. “I know, but I think I want to wait until the trip. She’ll be more relaxed. Happy, even.”
“But you just said you have to tell her.”
“I know. I’m going insane.” She lets out a small laugh. She wants it to be done. No matter what, she must get this secret off her chest, regardless of what drama Lee tries to upstage her with. Chad’s pickup truck appears in the drive and she waves through the kitchen window.
“Luca just pulled up. Gotta go.”
“Okay. Breathe. It’s all going to be okay.”
“Thanks.” She still doesn’t feel reassured as she disconnects the call and hears the stampede of her son’s cleats.
“Hey, bud!” She soaps her hands in the sink and dries them on the slightly damp dish towel.
He makes a beeline for the living room, but she stops him. “Shoes off! And go wash your hands, please. Dinner is almost ready.”
Chad reverses out of the drive, not bothering to come in, but she prefers it that way. His taillights fade along Estes, and she almost texts him to slow down in a residential area. Instead, she gazes at the other houses as she drops chopped red peppers into the cast iron skillet. Though the houses in this neighborhood easily swoop into seven figures, she bought years ago post-divorce, when she offered a huge down payment and was able to tailor the house to her exact aesthetic. Alice lives down the street in a massive Victorian. They used to spend their weekends perusing estate sales for antiques, or meeting up on Saturdays to talk appliances. She misses those days, back when she was still creating her nest. Her life has changed in such a short period of time. She used to be such an open book and now she’s keeping secrets from almost everyone.