by Heller, JB
She starts crawling toward me, the look in her eyes questioning. “I don’t like it when you look at me like that,” she whispers. “I know that look, Hux. You’re thinking you’re not good enough. You’re thinking you don’t deserve to be with me. You’re wrong.”
She’s right in front of my lens now, and she reaches up, takes my camera out of my hands, and places it gently on the grass beside my pack. I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s … she’s everything.
When her eyes come back to mine, they’re imploring. “Hux, you are worthy.” She reaches for my cheek. “You are good enough.” Her thumb skims my bottom lip. “You are mine,” she says with finality before closing the small distance between our mouths and sliding her tongue along the crease of my lips until I open for her.
As soon as her tongue touches mine, I take back control and wrap my hands around her waist, pulling her into my lap so she straddles me.
Neither of us speaks again, knowing this is a subject that we have no choice but to agree to disagree on.
Watching El come is my favorite thing in the world. It’s more than a moment of beauty, so much more, because I made it happen. It’s because of me. And nothing has ever felt better than that.
* * *
Eliza drives all the way down my street and parks in front of my house, and I look at her with a raised brow. “You know which one is mine.”
She glances down, refusing to make eye contact with me. “It’s because of your dad, isn’t it, that you don’t want me to come inside?” she asks softly.
A lump forms in my throat, and my hands curl into fists on my knees. I close my eyes and drop my head back on the headrest. I can feel her eyes on me now, and I wish I was invisible again.
“Hux,” she whispers, “he’s the reason you’re leaving, isn’t he?”
My jaw tenses. I don’t want to talk to her about this. I’ve managed to go eighteen years without having to talk to anyone about my relationship with my father—or lack thereof.
Her small hand rests atop one of my clenched fists gently, her fingertips tracing soft swirls on my wrist, and I begin to relax a little. Her touch has a calming effect on me, and I try to swallow past the lump still clogging my throat.
“He’s the reason for your bruises that day at the stream,” she continues.
My stomach churns with each statement she makes.
I don’t want her to see the ugly side of life. To see my life.
She is the only good, pure, and beautiful thing I have, and my very existence is a tarnish on her perfection.
I don’t answer her. Instead, I turn my face toward the window and reach for my pack on the floor between my feet at the same time as I open my door with my free hand and get out of the car.
Throwing my pack over my shoulder, I start toward my house without a backward glance.
I hear her door slam closed, then she’s behind me, wrapping her arms around my middle from behind. “Fuck him!” she cries into my back, and I can’t move.
All my emotions compound in that moment, and I take us both by surprise when I spin around and pick her up by the waist before dropping my mouth to hers. “I fucking love you, Eliza Quinn,” I murmur against her tear-dampened lips, then I kiss her with everything I have.
She sobs into my mouth as she wraps her legs around my waist and kisses me back with as much intensity as I do her. “I love you more,” she whispers as she presses her forehead to mine.
The enormity of her words reaches my very soul, and my legs give out, dropping me to my knees on the grass of my front lawn. No one has ever said they love me—no one.
Chapter Fourteen
I don’t know where the time has gone. There is now only one week left until my final exam.
One week left with Eliza.
One week until I leave.
A few months ago, I couldn’t wait for this. A few months ago, I was desperate for it. Now, all I can seem to think about is trying to somehow squeeze more time out of what little I have left.
I’m pissed with myself for letting this happen, for allowing myself to become so consumed with Eliza that I’m actually reconsidering my plan. I keep having to remind myself why I need to leave.
I need to get away from him. I need to start over, start fresh. And he deserves some peace too. I’d hate me if I was him. I want to hate him right back. But I can’t. I understand why he is this way. I loathe myself as much as he does. I ruined his life.
My existence stole the only piece of happiness he ever had. I deserve his spite.
Dad never really had much of a life before my mom. How do I know this? Because he’s told me so in more than one of his drunken rants. Both his parents died in a car accident when he was in his early teens. He was too old to be adopted, so he was bounced around the foster system for the next few years.
Mom was a foster kid too. That’s how they met. He told me the day he found her was the day he found a reason to live. And I took that away from him.
That’s a heavy burden for a kid to shoulder. But I’m not a kid anymore. I know what I need to do. It’s not about what I want. It’s about what needs to be done.
I’m walking down the hallway with my pack slung over my shoulder when he steps out of his room. “Where are you going, boy?”
My shoulders stiffen. “Out,” I reply tersely.
I feel him approaching, and my entire body goes on alert. I can smell the alcohol seeping from his pores, and it churns my stomach.
“You’ve been out a lot lately,” he says as he rounds me and pauses.
I grit my teeth and stare him down. His eyes narrow as a sneer lifts his top lip. “Found yourself a piece of ass, boy?” He tilts his head to the right, and a cruel smile replaces his sneer. “Does she know what a worthless piece of shit you are?”
It takes everything I have not to punch him in his smug face. I flex my fingers to keep them from curling into fists at my sides. My jaw ticks with the amount of pressure required to keep my mouth shut and not tell him to go fuck himself.
Again, I remind myself what I’ve done to him, and it releases a small amount of the fight building inside me.
That is, until he shoves me back into the wall behind me. He gets up in my face. “You’re nothing!” he seethes as he comes so close his rancid breath washes over my face. “Do that girl a favor and stay away from her before you ruin her life like you ruined mine and your mother’s. It’s all you’re good for.”
His words cause bile to rise in my throat. And when he finally backs away, my legs give out, and I sit against the wall of the hallway. My head hangs between my parted knees as the pressure behind my eyeballs pounds in my skull so hard I want to vomit.
I’m not sure how long I sit there. I want to get up and get out of this house of hate, but my body won’t comply. It’s not until I hear a soft knock at the front door that I find the will to move, knowing it’s Eliza on the other side.
Glancing over my shoulder as I swing the door open, I see Dad getting to his feet. I turn back to El. “You need to go.”
Her forehead wrinkles. “I was worried. You—”
She’s cut off by my dad’s cynical laughter as he approaches. “Oh, how sweet. Your little girlfriend was worried about you. Guess she doesn’t know, after all.” The way his eyes light up when he smiles at me shows just how much he’s going to enjoy this.
He shoves me out of the doorway and comes to stand in front of me. His eyes travel up and down Eliza’s small frame, and I can’t take anymore. I force my way between them, facing him. I turn to look at Eliza over my shoulder. “Go.”
Her face has paled, but her shoulders are pulled back, ready to go to war with him. Over me.
“El, go. Please.”
Her eyes shift to me, and she nods once then turns on her heel and walks back to her car with my dad calling after her, “That’s it, sweetheart, walk away from him. Save your time for someone who’s worth it!”
“Enough!” I grit out as I push him far enough in
side that I can close the front door behind me and shield Eliza from his venomous words.
His face is red. “You dare lay your hands on me, boy?” he spits.
I drop them from his shoulders immediately. “I didn’t mean to.”
He grins at me. “Why don’t you hit me? I bet you want to.”
I make a conscious effort to loosen my fists and shake my head. “No, I don’t want to hit you.”
He looks disappointed. Does he want me to hit him?
He scoffs. “Of course. What was I thinking? Only a man would want to defend himself. And you’re just a pathetic little boy.”
The tightness in my chest stays with me long after he walks away to get himself another beer from the fridge. I squeeze my eyes shut and remind myself this will all be over soon. Just one more week.
* * *
After the run-in with my dad, I can’t stomach seeing El. I grab my pack off the floor where it still lays in the hallway and head out the back door into the forest that backs up to the property.
I know the trails well. I’ve spent a lot of time out here over the years. Pulling my camera out of my pack, I walk slowly, mindful of where I place each step so as not to disturb the peace and life that surrounds me.
Soon enough, I spot an electric-blue butterfly paused on a tree trunk and smile as I focus my lens and take the shot. A split second later, the butterfly flits away.
I keep walking until my phone vibrates in my back pocket. Sliding it out, El’s nickname flashes across the screen.
PRINCESS: Are you okay?
What am I supposed to say to that? No, no, I’m not fucking okay. I don’t think I ever have been. I’m a fucking waste of space, and she needs to move on and stay the hell away from me.
I go to slide my phone back in my pocket without answering her, but knowing her, she’ll probably go back to the house if I ignore her. So, I send a quick reply.
HUX: Yeah. I’m fine. I’ll catch up with you later.
I’ve got a whole lot of shit to get straight in my head before I can see or speak to her. I just hope she gives me the space I need right now.
When my phone vibrates again with her reply, I ignore it and keep walking. I focus on the beauty that surrounds me and try to take it all in, hoping that some of it will rub off on me so, one day, I might be more than this ugly blemish on the lives of everyone around me.
* * *
I should have known she would be here. When I push through the trees surrounding the clearing at the stream, I see her. She’s sitting on that same boulder that I saw her on that first day.
Looking at her through my lens, I zoom in on her delicate features. The way her wet lashes caress the apple of her cheeks, the streaks of long-ago shed tears that roll down and over her full lips. Her anguish is written all over her face, and I am the cause of it.
I want to go to her, to comfort her. But at the same time, I want to run like hell. I don’t want to have to explain my life.
Her eyes flicker open, and she stares at me, unmoving.
And I see it all. All the love she has for me. All the pain she feels for me. All the confusion she feels about my situation. And finally, I see resignation.
“You really are going to leave and never come back,” she says with finality.
I nod in response and swallow thickly as all her emotions wash over me, making me feel like maybe, just maybe, I’m worth everything she feels for me.
But I know better than that.
She licks her tear-stained lips. “Hux, I don’t care what he says. I don’t care what he thinks. I know you, and I love you.” She slides off the boulder and walks through the water in my direction.
I drop my pack off my shoulder, and my camera on top of it, and step toward her, shaking my head.
When she reaches me, she strokes my cheek tenderly, tears shining in her eyes as she takes a deep breath then speaks. “You have to go. I understand why now. And …” She swallows and averts her eyes for a moment, gaining her composure. “And it’s okay.”
“I’m sorry.” I don’t recognize my own voice; it’s so husky and deep. “I never wanted you to see any of it. I tried to protect you from it. You deserve better than me, El.”
She blinks up at me with big tears resting on the edges of her eyes, just waiting to spill over. “Why does he hate you so much?”
My heart constricts, and I know I have to tell her the truth about me—what I am.
Intertwining our fingers, I tug her down to sit with me. Taking a deep breath, I look at the blades of grass in front of me. “I’m the reason he lost the only person he ever loved. I stole his happiness.” Lifting my gaze, I lock my eyes on hers. “My life destroyed his.”
Chapter Fifteen
I am consumed with melancholy. Hux really believes he deserves to be treated like shit. After he told me everything, I could see why he would think that. He’d been brainwashed.
And I hate his father even more than I had this morning after hearing the way he spoke about his only child. Hux didn’t deserve any of it, yet he took it all and shouldered the weight of his father’s state of mind.
The man needs help. But after seeing how his behavior has affected Hux’s opinion of himself, all I want is for him to rot in his own misery.
I can’t understand how a parent could put that kind of pressure on a helpless child. I would have thought the more appropriate response would be to love and cherish Hux more because he is his mother’s son. Shouldn’t his father appreciate that he still has a piece of her in him?
Understandably, Hux didn’t want to go home tonight, so I snuck him into the pool house. Not because my parents would have a problem with him being here, but because he didn’t think they’d approve of him. Even when I assured him they would, he was adamant about it.
So here I am, stashing a set of PJs in my pillowcase, along with my deodorant, toothbrush, and a handful of condoms from my brother’s bathroom cabinet.
I swipe a couple of apples off the kitchen counter on my way out the back door. “Camping in the pool house tonight, Ma,” I call to her in the walk-in pantry on my way past.
“Okay. Your father and I have that charity dinner at The Plaza with your grandparents. We’ll probably just stay there tonight,” she calls back.
I’d actually forgotten about it. I hate going to those events, but thankfully, this is one I’m not required to attend. A sudden bolt of excitement courses through me. I have Hux all to myself—with an actual bed at my disposal.
I backtrack into the kitchen as Mom steps out of the pantry in an emerald-green floor-length gown. I wolf whistle. “Lookin’ fine, Momma,” I say, waggling my brows at her.
She rolls her eyes and chuckles. “Do you want me to call Ben home for the night since you’ll be alone?”
Oh, hell no. Big brother would totally ruin my plans. I shake my head. “Nah, I’ll be fine. I’m just going to watch a couple of movies then crash. Besides, Ben’s probably got his own thing going on. He’s not going to cancel just to babysit me.”
“You know he’d drop anything for you.”
“Yeah, I do. But he doesn’t need to. I’m going to order a pizza, then I’ll be set for the night,” I tell her, hoping she’ll drop it.
“Okay, honey,” she says, closing the space between us to brush a kiss to my temple. “We’ll be home by lunch. Call if you need anything.”
“Okay, cool. Have fun tonight.” I wink then make my way out the back door.
A grin lifts my lips as I open the side door to the pool house and slide it closed with my foot.
I find Hux sitting on the floor, leaning back against the bed in the main bedroom.
“What are you doing down there?”
He lifts his eyes to my face and quirks a brow. “What’s that look about?”
“I asked first. Why are you on the floor?”
Scratching the side of his neck, he looks away from me. “Everything is white in here. I don’t want to dirty it up. I was hiking half the day.�
�
After tossing him an apple, I climb on the bed and position myself behind him then drape my legs over his shoulders. “You’re always so worried about getting things dirty, but you don’t mind being dirty,” I say, a slight hint of teasing in my tone. He can take it however he wants.
His shoulders shake with laughter. “Do you think of anything else? I thought it was a guy thing, but you think about sex just as much, if not more, than I do.”
I tense my thighs around his neck, teasing. “Don’t act like you don’t like it.”
He wraps his hands around my ankles, and he squeezes gently. “I didn’t say that,” he says with a grin as he tilts his head back to look at me above him.
I bounce my brows playfully. “Wanna help me dirty up this nice white bedspread?”
Hux’s eyes heat instantly, but then he closes them and shakes his head, pushing it away. “I … no, we shouldn’t.”
Frowning, I unwrap my legs from around his shoulders and slide down to the ground next to him. “What’s up, Mr. Mysterious? You going to start holding out on me?” I’m only half teasing in a lame attempt to lighten his, once again, dark mood.
Reaching over, I take his hand, lace my fingers through his, and swallow hard, knowing he is going to reject the next words that come out of my mouth. But I need to say them anyway. I don’t want there to be any doubt in his mind that I would do anything for him. “I would go with you, you know. If you asked me to.”
And even though I anticipated his reaction, it still hurts when his entire body tenses beside mine.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I murmur. I try to keep the hurt out of my voice.
Before I even have time to begin my internal pity party, he’s wrapping his hands around my waist and dragging me into his lap until I am straddling him.
He nudges my chin up so that I’m looking at him. “You know if I was going to take someone with me, it would be you. Nobody means as much to me as you do. But I can’t take you with me, El. I don’t even know where I’m going to end up or what I’m going to do once I get there. I have to do this on my own.”