by Heller, JB
We continue to sit in silence, and it’s not awkward like I expected.
Eventually, my gaze wanders to my surrounds. I let the crisp smell of the rain and earth sooth me, and I relax back into the bench, enjoying this little slice of peace in my otherwise hectic life.
I keep myself crazy busy. When you’re busy, you don’t have time to think about your own issues, just the ones provided by the job. And that’s how I like it. It means I can pretend I’m happy with my life. I can pretend I’m not lonely. I can pretend I don’t still love the man sitting next to me.
A single tear falls from my eye, and I don’t bother wiping it away, knowing the rain will take it with it.
The truth is, I forgave Hux a long time ago.
I knew why he left before I woke up. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, but waking up alone was … I can’t even describe how it felt. Hurt isn’t a strong enough word—that much I do know.
I can’t go through that again. I know I wouldn’t survive it again, and throwing myself into work wouldn’t save me from my thoughts this time—not with pieces of him covering the walls of the hotel. Abruptly, I turn to face him. “What do you want?”
He stares at me wordlessly for a minute then licks his wet lips. “The only thing I’ve ever wanted.”
Shaking my head, I ask, “That’s not good enough. What do you want with me?”
He can hear the plea in my tone, because his face crumples slightly, and I can see my pain reflected at me in his eyes. But I have to say it, because if he’s going to be around for a while, I need him to know. “You broke me, Hux. I have missed you every single day for the last five years, but you broke me.” I pause. My emotions are so close to the surface my voice shakes as I speak.
Hux slides across the bench until he’s pressed into my side, and he takes my face in his palms. “I’m so fucking sorry, El.” He’s close enough that I can feel the warmth radiating from his body, and I lean into him, seeking comfort.
He pulls me into his side, slinging one arm around my shoulders. With the other, he takes my hand and interlocks our fingers. Our hands fit together perfectly. Just like I tuck into his side perfectly. We’re puzzle pieces finding their home.
But I can’t allow myself to think of him as home. Home is supposed to bring feelings of safety and security. Hux brings back feelings of loss and emptiness.
The rain has set in for the day, and if I were alone, I would happily sit here for another hour. But El is trembling in my arms, and it’s not because of the cold—it’s because of me.
Not for the first time, I question if I did the right thing by leaving when I did. “El,” I murmur, “I didn’t want to hurt you. You know that, right?”
I feel her nod against my shoulder. “Yeah, I know.”
“Come on, I should get you home. Where do you live?”
She lifts her head and looks up at the hotel looming above the park. “There,” she says.
I frown. “Why do you live at the hotel?”
“I work long hours. It’s easier,” she explains.
I don’t like the idea of her working so much that she needs to live where she works. But I’m in no position to say as much, so I just nod. “Okay, I’ll walk you up.”
When we stand, I want to keep my arm wrapped around her shoulders. But she takes a deliberate step away from me, letting me know that she let me hug her a minute ago, but it doesn’t change anything.
All is quiet in the lobby when we walk in, except for the sounds of our shoes squeaking and sloshing across the pristine tiles. We get a few curious looks as we trudge over to the elevator bank on the far side of the room. Water pools at our feet while we wait for the next available one to open.
We’re the only two people in the elevator as it glides up inside the building, and I hate that she’s so close to me and I can’t touch her. The tension filling the small space is almost suffocating. I want that contact with her so badly.
Right as I’m about to say fuck it and slam her against the wall, the elevator dings, and the doors slide open. “This is me. Good night, Hux,” she says without so much as a backward glance, then she walks out and down the hall.
When the doors slide closed again, I hit the button for the sixteenth floor and lean against the rear wall as I wait. A wave of exhaustion washes over me, and I’m ready to call it a night.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Bee flies home this morning, and I’m supposed to be flying with her, but even if I wanted to let this opportunity slip by me, Bee wouldn’t let me.
“I was trying to help, Hux. I’m sorry it didn’t go how I thought it would.” She sighs. “When I put it all together, I thought I was doing a good thing—for both of you. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that girl is lonely, and you …” She eyes me with that knowing look. “Well, we both know you have never moved on.”
Once I got over the initial shock of Bee doing all this behind my back, I knew she wasn’t trying to be vindictive, and the feeling of betrayal passed. “I know.”
Her eyes glass over. “Forgive me?”
I shake my head and pull her in for a hug. “There’s nothing to forgive.” I press a kiss to the top of her head then lean back, tipping her chin up to see her face. “I know you only want what’s best for me. I was just surprised.”
A small apologetic smile lifts her mouth. “All the same, I’m sorry if I’ve messed things up between you two. At the time, I couldn’t think of a better way to get you both in the same room.”
I chuckle. “Seriously, Bee, it’s okay. I’m over it.”
She raises a brow, and I continue, “Over it, not her. I know. I can’t leave without her again. Not unless she tells me to.”
Bee smiles wider. “Good.” She checks her watch. “Okay, I have to go, or I’ll get stuck in traffic for too long and miss my flight.” Looking up at me, she touches my cheek. “Get her back, Hux. You’ve been lonely for too long.”
I watch her leave then turn to go back up to my room, but I see Eliza standing in the far corner near the restaurant. And if I’m not wrong, she looks jealous.
When she catches my stare, she blushes and turns her back to me then scurries into the restaurant. If I had the time to win her back slowly, I would give her some space to get her head straight, but I don’t. The longer it takes to win her back, the less I get to enjoy having her wrapped in my arms.
Striding into the restaurant, I’m greeted by the same girl from the previous morning.
“I’m fine. I’m meeting someone,” I tell her as I continue right on by her. She frowns after me, but I barely notice as I scan the room for my girl.
I spot her sitting at a small table for two in the back corner and waste no time in making my approach. “Good morning,” I say as I take the seat opposite her.
Her eyes widen. “Uh, what are you doing?”
“Having breakfast with you. What’s it look like?”
She frowns. “It looks like you’re stalking me.”
I scoff. “We’re staying in the same building, and there’s only one place to have breakfast here. It’s not that sketchy that we’re eating in the same room.”
Her eyes narrow. “I’ll give you that, but there are plenty of empty tables for you to sit at, so off you go.”
Shaking my head, I smile. “No, thanks. I like this one. It’s got a great view.” I know she’s fighting a smile right now. I can see it in her eyes. “Just let me have breakfast with you. What will it hurt?”
She licks her lips then chews on her bottom lip for a moment as she thinks. Finally, she sighs. “Fine. But keep your hands to yourself.”
Holding my hands up in front of me, I happily agree. “Deal. But just so you know, you can put your hands wherever you want.”
Finally, she lets that smile out, and I want to shout in victory. I’ve missed it so damn much it makes my chest tighten seeing it again.
“You can’t look at me like that either,” she states.
&
nbsp; Grinning like a fool, I ask, “Like what?”
She points at my face. “Like that. You can’t look at me like that.”
“Why not?” I press.
She snorts. “Because that look is not for me anymore.”
I close my eyes and shake my head. “It’s only ever been for you.”
She goes quiet for a minute, and just as she’s about to say something, a server approaches our table. “What can I get you this morning, Miss Quinn?”
El looks up at the girl, confused. “The same thing I have every day, Sharni.”
The chick looks chagrined. “And for you, Mr. Hadley?”
El glares at her. “He’ll have the same.”
The server shifts her gaze between us a couple of times then nods and leaves us. I chuckle. “What was that about?”
El shrugs. “Who knows?”
I should have told him to leave me alone, but I didn’t.
I should have let Sharni flirt with him, but I didn’t.
I should just get up and sit somewhere else, but I won’t.
Why is he so pretty? I kind of wish I had let Ben mess up his face the other night. Maybe then I wouldn’t like looking at him so much.
When I got back to my room last night, I had to force myself not to pick up the phone and call his room. Being in his arms again felt too good. I haven’t felt like that since he left. Nobody has ever had the effect on me that he does. And as soon as those elevator doors slid closed behind me, I was reminded of just how lonely I am.
His voice penetrates through my thoughts. “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing,” I lie.
He scratches the side of his neck, just like he used to when he was nervous or unsure of himself. “Is it really so bad seeing me again?”
I want to say, Yes, yes, it is. I hate you and wish you’d leave me alone. But I can’t. Because the truth is, seeing him again has made me feel more alive than I have since he walked away. When he left, I retreated into myself. I stopped hanging out with my so-called friends. But really, I’d stopped spending time with them when I’d started spending it with him.
All the same, I didn’t go back to the girl I was before him. It felt like so much effort to keep pretending I wasn’t smart, pretending I liked watching Sex in the City marathons, and playing hard-to-get for guys I wouldn’t let near me in a million years because I had zero interest in them.
Hux is watching me intently, waiting for my answer, and I sigh. “I suppose it’s not that bad. I just didn’t expect it, I guess.”
He nods. “You and me both, but I can’t say I’m not happy about it.”
That makes me frown. “Why? I don’t get it. Why are you so happy to see me?”
Now he’s the one frowning. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Placing my elbows on the table, I prop my head on my joined hands. “Let me see. You left me, you never called, you went as far as to leave your phone in the tent … oh, and let’s not forget that you left before I even woke up. All that points to never wanting to see me again in my book.”
He closes his eyes, and I watch as his chest deflates. “I thought a clean break would be easier for both of us. That’s why I left the phone.”
I raise an expectant brow. “And leaving before I woke up?” I’ve decided it’s long past time I got answers, and if he’s going to be around for a little while, I’d rather get it out of the way so I can let it all go like water under a bridge.
He grimaces. “I didn’t mean to. I mean, I wasn’t planning to leave without waking you. But I had lain there for a full hour, watching you sleep, trying to think of how to say goodbye. And I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say the words. So, I kissed your forehead, whispered in your ear that I loved you, and left.”
My heart has been a splintered mess since that morning, and his confession somehow helps it heal a little. While I’m absorbing everything he just said, he speaks up again. “Did you like your gift?”
Ah, yes, my gift. When I saw it sitting on the pillow Hux had used the night before, I knew he wasn’t coming back to say his proper goodbyes. I wanted to throw it in the stream, but I couldn’t do it. It virtually had his name written all over it. And I have cherished it ever since.
“I loved it,” I say, hoping he doesn’t hear the lump forming in my throat.
He smiles. “I’m glad. I always wondered.”
“Well, now you know. Nice color choice, by the way.” I grin, knowing exactly why he chose it.
His eyes light up. “I knew you would. That camera mixed my favorite things about both of us. My love of photography and your mint-green lacy panties.” He’s full-on grinning now, and I can see heat slowly filling his eyes.
“Don’t say it,” I warn.
He feigns innocence. “What?”
“I know what you’re thinking. Stop.”
His grin is downright sinful. “Well, do you?”
I hang my head and shake it. It’s impossible to look at him when he has that look on his face. Then, I mumble, “No, it’s been five years, Hux. I’ve had to replace them like three times,” I confess.
When I lift my eyes, his are shining. “So what you’re saying is you technically do still have them?”
Sighing, I nod. “Yeah, kinda. But for the record, they were my favorite, too, so that’s why I replaced them. Not because of you.”
“Sure they were.” He’s grinning, and I want to wipe that smug expression off his face. But I can’t come up with anything right now.
Thankfully, I’m saved from having to continue that particular conversation by the waitress bringing over our breakfasts. “Thanks, Sharni,” I tell her.
She smiles at me briefly before turning her attention to Hux. “So good to see you again, Mr. Hadley. I was wondering, if you wouldn’t mind, would you take me through your exhibit later today? I’d love to hear your thoughts on some of the different pieces.”
I can feel my eye beginning to twitch. “Mr. Hadley is a bit busy right now, Sharni. If you don’t mind, we were just in the middle of something.”
Hux is smiling at me, and I feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment. Damnit, why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut and let the girl flirt with him?
Chapter Twenty-Eight
To say I’m happy about El getting jealous of the server who delivered our breakfast is an understatement of massive proportions. It means she still feels some kind of claim to me. And that means I have a chance of winning her over.
And maybe sooner than I had expected.
I just have to figure out what’s going on with the boyfriend. As much as I don’t want to change the topic of our conversation, I feel kinda shitty talking about her underwear when she’s in a relationship with another guy. I know I wouldn’t be okay with it if I were him, so I reluctantly redirect our conversation.
“So, where’d you meet the boyfriend?” I ask, going straight in for the kill. She frowns. It’s brief, but I catch it.
“Oh, Ben and I go way back,” she says with one of her fake smiles plastered on her face.
I decide to roll with it for a little while, although I’m ninety-nine percent sure she’s lying through her teeth. “What’s he do?”
“Fireman.” And this time, she’s telling the truth.
I nod. “Cool, I’ve got a lot of respect for guys that put their life on the line for others like that. How long have you been together?”
And the fake smile reappears. “Uh, a while,” she says, shifting her gaze out the window we’re sitting by.
I’m done with this little game. It’s not as entertaining as I thought it would be. I heave a heavy sigh. “Did you forget I can read you like a book?”
Her eyes dart back to mine, then her shoulders drop. “You suck.”
I chuckle. “I don’t, actually. It’s not my style,” I say with a shrug.
She rolls her eyes. “Ha ha. You’ve still got the same sense of humor,” she says, then she sighs softly. “What gave me away?”
&nb
sp; “The little frown that flashed across your face when I asked where you guys met hinted that you were lying, but the fake smile is what really gave you away. So, what’s the deal with you two?”
Pushing her almost empty plate away from her, she rests her elbows on the edge of the table in front of her again. “He’s … my brother.”
I frown. “Why’d you let me think he was your boyfriend?”
She licks her lips and shifts her eyes off my face and back out the window. “I don’t know, maybe I thought you’d keep your distance if you thought I was with someone?” She shrugs, still not making eye contact with me.
A weight settles in the pit of my stomach. “Is that what you want? For me to stay away?” If she tells me to go, I will. But, God, I hope she doesn’t. She’s still looking out the window, gnawing on that plump bottom lip, and I can’t take her silence any longer.
I reach across the space separating us and wrap my hands around her wrists. “El, if it’s what you want, I’ll stay away. I’ll do what I need to do here, and you won’t even see me while I’m doing it. Then I’ll go.”
She’s still looking out that damn window, and I plead, “Look at me, El, please.” When she finally turns her eyes to mine, they’re brimming with unshed tears. “If it’s what you want, I’ll do it. But I’m telling you now, it’s not what I want.”
One single tear slides down over the apple of her cheek. “I don’t want that. But I’m scared, Hux. You left me once. You’ll leave me again.”
Bile rises in my throat at the pain in her voice—the pain that’s there because of me. And I don’t know what to say. I search my mind for the right words. “Let me prove it to you. You don’t have to trust me right away. You have no reason to. I took the coward’s way out before, and I’m so sorry, El. But I’ll spend as long as it takes making it up to you.”