But what if you viewed your perceived failures as powerful learning experiences? When you fail, you simply eliminate one way of doing something, which leads you closer to success. You’re just figuring out ways that don’t work for you. The trick is to keep it moving so you can discover the way that does work. Thomas Edison said it best when asked about his initial failures before finally inventing the light bulb. He simply replied: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
A few months ago, I partnered with a spa to roll out a five-week long group-coaching workshop. The spa directors were so excited to feature this workshop since it would be the biggest one they’d ever had. We planned every detail for weeks leading up to the event. We promoted on social media, I personally invited friends and clients, I dropped off flyers all over the neighborhood, and we even planned a major kick-off event. And guess what? Not one person signed up. Could I have viewed this as a massive failure? Could I have been completely embarrassed that my idea did not pan out? Of course! I was disappointed, but I was not discouraged. I quickly put my thinking tiara on and came up with an even more fabulous series of workshops that would require less of a commitment from clients. I refused to give up; instead, I devised a new and improved way to offer my services to the spa. And this time around, I had even more ideas than the first time. I viewed a would-be “failure” as an opportunity to innovate and improve.
Rather than looking at a failure as a negative experience, look for the lesson. How can that experience empower you? What can you take away from it to make you a better, stronger, and more prepared person the next time around?
FEARLESS & FABULOUS EXERCISE
Think about one of your past “failures” and look for the opportunity in it. How did you grow from the experience?
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Famous Failures
Did you know that some of the most successful people failed first? Oprah Winfrey was told she wasn’t “made for TV” when she first started her career. She got her first television gig at Baltimore’s WJZ-TV as an on-air anchor, and less than eight months into the job she was pulled from that position and given lower-level responsibilities. Beethoven’s music teacher once told him he was a hopeless composer. Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper after being told he lacked good ideas. John Grisham’s first novel was rejected by sixteen agents and twelve publishing houses (I feel ya, John!). The first time Jerry Seinfeld ever took the stage to do stand-up comedy, he was booed off because he panicked and froze. Stephen King’s first book, Carrie, was rejected thirty times, causing him to scrap the manuscript. His wife fished it out of the trash and it went on to become one of his many best-selling books. The one common denominator of all these so-called “failures?” They never gave up.
Don’t Be Afraid to Look Silly
For some reason, most of us women are serious perfectionists. We are so damn afraid to look silly that we hold ourselves back from so much. Here’s a little secret: nobody is perfect! Some of the most fabulous women that I admire have made mistakes – some that I’ve witnessed, some that they’ve told me about. Do I think any less of them? Of course not! If there is one glaring quality that all fearless and fabulous women possess it is that they are not afraid to look silly. I truly can’t stress that enough.
Having the guts to make mistakes and “fail” is part of the process in gaining confidence. The more you let go, the less embarrassed you feel if something doesn’t go as planned. So what if you totally screw something up? Own it. Your confidence will inspire someone else to take a chance. It’s like a domino effect of empowerment.
Fear would not exist if failure didn’t.
Redefine your definition of failure and look for
opportunities to stretch and grow.
Wouldn’t life be grand if we knew that every chance we took would give us the results we wanted? I don’t know about you, but I would have taken every leap possible without a single doubt. But how boring would that be? When things don’t go the way we plan, it’s a chance to learn. There is always a lesson planted deep within every experience, even if it takes a while to uncover it.
Detaching from the outcome is only possible if you have faith in the Universe, as I outlined in the previous chapters. When we wholeheartedly believe that everything is working in our favor, we can let go of the details of exactly how something should turn out for us. Think of a time in your life where you really, really wanted something. Maybe you took an exam and you were anxiously awaiting the results to see if you passed. Your energy was filled with fear and doubt because you were worried there was a chance you may have failed. By projecting that energy onto the outcome, you filled yourself with negative emotion. And fearless and fabulous women do not operate on that frequency!
As I mentioned earlier, one of my biggest life lessons came when I decided to self-publish my first book, Sparkle. I spent years attached to an outcome. I wanted so badly to be traditionally published that I saw no other way of my dream become a reality. I was so rigid in my thinking that it catapulted me into a constant state of fear and anxiety. Whenever an email came in from my literary agent, I felt a tightening in my chest. I was terrified of bad news. I put all the power in the hands of editors and allowed these people to control my fate (or so I thought). You can imagine the negative energy that consumed me on a daily basis.
It wasn’t until I detached from the outcome that I began to see clearly and free myself from those chains that had bound me for so long. Once I decided to let go of my original plan, a new plan surfaced almost immediately. I saw opportunity in the unexpected and took the power back. I detached from the outcome I expected and wound up with one that surpassed my every hope and desire.
FEARLESS & FABULOUS EXERCISE
Write down an outcome you need to detach from.
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Detachment Brings Power
The more attached you are to an outcome, the less power you have. The thought that a circumstance or a thing can bring you happiness sets you up for a position of powerlessness. Let’s use dating as an example. We’ve all been there: we’re waiting for our phone to buzz and for that text message to appear from the guy we’ve become just mildly obsessed with. He’s perfect in our eyes, and a simple “Hello” from him can turn our whole day around. In that moment, we are attached to an outcome. We’re putting so much weight on whether or not we receive that text that we’re allowing it to control our mood and ultimately our life. The moment you detach from the outcome, you take back the power. You’re able to find happiness regardless of whether or not Mr. Hottie contacts you. Your detachment from his actions brings you freedom and control.
Let’s dial back to Chapter Three for a moment. Remember, fearless and fabulous women exude confidence. And confidence just does not work when we have a strong attachment to outcome. If we’re depending on something else to make us feel good, we’re anxious and insecure because if we don’t get it, we know we will feel bad. So the quicker you detach from outcome, the quicker you will build up your confidence. See how these strategies all work together?
Embrace the Unexpected
Living fearlessly means you’ll need to get comfortable with the unexpected. The more you take chances, the more you make yourself vulnerable to new and interesting outcomes. Notice I used the word “interesting”? Like I mentioned earlier, how boring would life be if always knew what was going to happen? Learn to start viewing your life as an adventure. Each twist and turn is an opportunity to learn something new about yourself and evolve as a person.
Fearless and fabulous women are flexible. They go with the flow and think on their beautifully pedicured toes. Just because th
ey have mastered the art of going after what they want, doesn’t mean they always get the results they hoped for. Life is filled with uncertainty, and the sooner you can practice adapting to that uncertainty, the sooner you will grow. You will become more creative and seek out new opportunities in those moments. That’s the beauty of detaching: there’s always something new to learn when the Universe hands you something you didn’t anticipate.
FEARLESS & FABULOUS TESTIMONIAL
By Rachelle Walker
When I started my business, Mérenity Wellness Studio, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. There is no shortage of statistics on how many start-ups fail, yet for some reason in the beginning I was able to just forge full-steam ahead without much regard for how hard it was actually going to be. I knew I had a “to-do” list miles long but I began each morning with that first wave of “entrepreneurial bliss” knowing that if I tackled one item at a time there was no way I wouldn’t be successful!
Then about six months in things began to change. Everything became more real – I was looking at signing a long-term lease for over $100K a year, I would have to hire a complete staff to make the studio a reality and, as always, there was no guarantee I would be able to attract my customers away from their current studios. Would I be able to find reliable staff? Could I hire instructors in the specific disciplines I needed? Was I too young to be trying to take on so much and would no one take me seriously?
On paper I come across as an “ideal” candidate to start a business: both my parents have started successful companies and I grew up with their examples, sometimes working in their businesses. I myself have an MBA and worked for a successful start-up company for almost three years before trying my hand at doing it myself. But there was one thing that no amount of education or experience could help me with – I am your stereotypical Type-A personality control freak. I prefer to sit back, gather information and make a conscious, knowledgeable decision no matter how big or how small. But let me tell you rule #1 I’ve learned in business – this is not always an option, in fact it rarely is. You have to be comfortable moving forward with maybe only 80% (if you’re lucky) of the information.
Being able to detach and step back from my business has been a rollercoaster for me over the past year. In the beginning I was riding high and knew that no matter what happened it would be ok – that I could handle it – and if it didn’t work out, so what? I could always start over, it wasn’t going to define who I was and if it were meant to be it would be. I loved compiling my business plan, all the research, analysis, development of marketing and financials was something that I could put my hands on and physically control. After years of being in school this was something I absolutely knew how to do – research and evaluate – so while I was in my comfort zone I was able to feel in control. Looking back I believe this is what gave me that original boost of confidence at the start.
Then came the hard part, signing my name on the dotted line of some of these more difficult choices. This is where I could start feeling a loss of control over my surroundings and the outcomes. It was the low point of my ride. We ran into problems with the lease negotiations so they were put on hold, my marketing was taking longer than expected and I wasn’t happy that I still had no logo, business cards or website to show anyone my company was real. I didn’t realize it at first, but all these smaller issues were starting to add up and weigh heavily on me. I started to freak out and felt that my coveted “timeline for success” was falling apart. All the downtime left me with nothing else to do but agonize over all the possible outcomes and I felt the business was consuming me. The doors weren’t even open yet and I was already unable to mentally step back from it. Something had to change. I did not want to be one of those owners that did nothing else but eat, sleep and breathe their businesses and not exists outsides of its success or failure.
It has taken a conscious effort on my part to climb back up that long rollercoaster lift and get back to the top of the hill. First off, I had to acknowledge and accept that the need to be in control is just part of who I am. I’ve created different outlets for myself, outside of the business, that allows me to remember that regardless of the outcome I am still my own person. Some of what has worked for me was to start a blog to track not only my business process but other interest like cooking, yoga and my upcoming wedding. I’ve picked up a meditation practice that I use when things start to feel out of control and I feel a complete meltdown is on its way. And I try to do something new everyday (or at least each week) that makes me uncomfortable or provides a challenge as a simple reminder that I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to have all the answers right now and that it will be okay, no matter what.
I view my life as an adventure. The more I detach from the outcome of things, the more power I take back.
So let’s recap what I’ve covered so far. Up to this point, I’ve taught you nine powerful strategies to help you overcome your fears: you’ve learned to decide what you want, own your desires, get confident, get uncomfortable, believe that everything is possible, let go of the past, embrace fear, redefine failure, and detach from the outcome. And now I’m going to let you in on the #1 secret to being a fearless and fabulous woman: channeling your inner muse. What’s an inner muse, you may be wondering? It’s that woman deep inside of you who gives you all of your creativity, drive, and passion. It’s that woman who is so sure of who she is and what she wants, that nothing can get in her way. It’s the woman who is pure in her intentions with herself and others. It’s the woman who is capable of anything. It’s the woman who trusts the Universe completely, and operates on a frequency of positivity at all times. It’s your core essence, your truest being. It is your inspiration. It is your muse.
Your inner muse is not a wild, erratic mess. She is not nervous, or fearful. Although she is powerful and determined, she is not overworked to the point of exhaustion. She’s not filled with stress and anxiety. Instead, she effortlessly glides toward her destiny with confidence, grace and ease. She handles challenges with poise and never gets caught up in her own mind when things don’t work out perfectly. Instead, she continues to glide on, slightly shifting gears if need be. As long as she is doing what makes her soul happy, she trusts that she is living her best life.
FEARLESS & FABULOUS EXERCISE
What would your life look like if your inner muse were in control?
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Channeling your inner muse takes some work, but I’m going to clue you in on a few different ways you can accomplish it. First things first: you’re going to have to drop your ego. Let go of all the bullshit (for a lack of a better term) and start tapping into yourself in a way you never have before. Let all the comparing go, let all of the worry go, and crawl inside the space in your heart that is so filled to the brim with passion and purpose that absolutely nothing on this planet can break it. I know you know what I’m talking about.
One way to accomplish this? Meditation. I know, I know, I threw you for a loop there. But stay with me for a moment. You’re probably immediately picturing weird hippies waving incense around and chanting while banging on bongos. Believe me, I did too when I first started hearing about meditation. But it’s not like that at all. I mean, maybe it is for some people, but not for us fabulous ladies (I’d never cramp your style like that). Meditation is a powerful tool that allows us to turn off our thoughts and tap into the deepest part of ourselves. Think about how many thoughts race through your mind from minute to minute. Our brains are on a constant loop and if we
don’t take time to clear all that chatter, we become overwhelmed and foggy. Aside from our own thoughts, we’re also hearing everyone else. When is the last time you turned off the television and sat in complete silence? In meditation, we disrupt the unconscious progression of those racing thoughts and emotions by focusing on our breath, a mantra, or an image.
If you’ve never meditated before, start small. Even three-to-five minutes a day can have a powerful impact on your mind. You can either do a guided meditation, or listen to some soft sounds or music and do it on your own. Guided meditations are great, especially for beginners. Meditating on your own can also be wonderful as well. Here’s a quick way to do a self-meditation: close your eyes and sit up straight with your feet planted firmly on the ground. Make sure your shoulders are back, and your chin is tucked under. As you breath in, envision the kind of life you want for yourself. Whatever that visual is, make it super clear. Maybe it’s an image of you in a healthy, nourished body. Maybe it’s an image of you running your empire in your office overlooking Central Park. Or perhaps it’s a visual of you on a white sandy beach, with the waves crashing against the rocks. As you inhale, picture that image in your mind. As you exhale, breathe out all the negative thoughts and the things you do not want in your life; the anger, the fear, the frustration, the unhappiness. Picture them floating away as you release them.
And remember: whichever style of meditation you choose, allow yourself to find a quiet space, light some candles, and do everything you need to do to create a space of peace and tranquility. Channeling your inner muse should be your top priority, not something you squeeze in between a conference call and a diaper change. This is your Me Time. This is crucial to your wellbeing.
Fearless & Fabulous: 10 Powerful Strategies for Getting Anything You Want in Life Page 6