Those jobs were already done by her aunts (and some uncles). So? This is a new millennium. Time for the next task. Go girl!
Buffy is our future. Brash, open-minded, open-hearted. Always willing to give someone a chance, even if they’re low-born, or even (ew!) ugly. Always questioning authority while willing to cooperate and learn something new. To Buffy, old isn’t always better (as it is in Star Wars and Tolkien). She’s stylish, hip, caring, sweet, and nowhere near as dumb as outsiders might think.
Oh, she knows what she’s doing, all right. We oughta listen.
Anyway, she sure can kick butt.
David Brin’s best-selling SF novels have won Hugo, Nebula, and other awards and have been translated into twenty languages. His 1989 thriller, Earth, foreshadowed global warming, cyberwarfare, and the Web. A 1998 movie was loosely adapted from his Campbell Award winner The Postman, while Foundation’s Triumph brought a grand finale to Isaac Asimov’s famed Foundation universe. Kiln People portrays people using “home copiers” to be in two places at once. David’s nonfiction book The Transparent Society deals with openness, security, and liberty in the future; it won the Freedom of Speech Award of the American Library Association.
Roxanne Longstreet Conrad
IS THAT YOUR
FINAL ANSWER . . .?
Seven seasons of Buffy made it increasingly clear that the forces of evil are not composed merely of random vampires, bug-ladies, and mummy-girls. The forces of evil are organized and systematic. They have long-range plans, hierarchies, schools and training facilities. Obviously these schools are located in a far-off hell dimension, virtually inaccessible to humankind. But virtually inaccessible is not the same as completely inaccessible, as proven by our intrepid researcher, Roxanne Conrad, who, best we can figure, managed to infiltrate a demon school and escape to tell the tale…with proof!
SPATIAL INTERDIMENSIONAL METAPHYSICS
Final Exam, Semester 2
INSTRUCTOR: Vardath of the Outer Cold Darkness, Ruler of Visanganeth, Shatterer of Hearts, Most Dread of Dark Sovereigns, Ph.D., M.D., D.M.oD., S.J.
T.A.: Bob Jones, B.B.A.
STUDENT NAME:Korelva Norn
STUDENT LEVEL:Quell-nar Demon (trainee)
INSTRUCTIONS: The following question should be answered in a mathematical/mystical equation, with supporting proof provided in the detail section below. This question counts for 100% of your final grade. Any answer judged incorrect will result in the permanent forfeiture of your immortal soul to the fiery reaches of torment (or other hell-dimension, as availability allows).
We know we’ve previously told you that six pop quizzes administered by the Demon Prince Alkeerzath counted toward your final grade. We lied. Sue us. We’re evil. So are you.
QUESTION 1: IDENTIFY AND PROVE (WITH EXAMPLES) THE IDENTITY OF THE MOST POWERFUL INDIVIDUAL FORCE FOR GOOD IN THE REALM OF SUNNYDALE, CALIFORNIA (aka, the Hellmouth). You may consult your notes during this exam. Creation of interdimensional portals or spells to make the instructor (or teaching assistant) forget your existence will be punishable with eternal torment (see above).
Good luck. (Well, not really. We’re evil. We hope you fail and suffer mindless agony forever.)
INSCRIBE YOUR CHOICE FOR THE PULING, MISERABLE WORM OF A CREATURE THAT WE WILL EVENTUALLY GRIND BETWEEN OUR SHARP POINTY TEETH (the Most Powerful Individual Force for Good in Sunnydale):
ALEXANDER (XANDER) LAVELLE HARRIS
INSCRIBE YOUR MYSTICAL/MAGICAL EQUATION IN SUPPORT OF THIS IDENTIFICATION:
M = (Sx x Sax x Ss x Si)6 - (E6)
Where:
M
=
Most Powerful Individual Force for Good
Sx
=
Saving of the Slayer (unassisted)
Sax
=
Saving of the Slayer (assisted)
Ss
=
Saving of Scoobies
Si
=
Saving of Innocents
E
=
Reduction for Evil Acts
INSCRIBE YOUR SUPPORTING PROOF (preferably in the blood of others, but your own may be used if you cannot overcome your fellow students):
Hail to Your August and Awful Majesty, Professor Vardath1.
Obviously, you seek to trick your lowly, humble, crawling students into incorrectly identifying the Slayer BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS2 as the most powerful force for Good3 in Sunnydale.
However, it is clear that had the Slayer4 been equipped only with the traditional weapons of these champions of Good (i.e., a Slayer’s Manual, some rather inadequate training, and a bumbling, well-intentioned Watcher) she would swiftly have been dispatched, probably well before she needed to be included in the syllabus.
However, the current Slayer5 has been untraditional in her approach to fighting our courageous and much-maligned Forces of Evil. This is illustrated quite clearly by her choice of allies.
Clearly, upon examining the group of somewhat-human beings she has gathered around her, there are some outstanding candidates for Most Powerful Individual Force For Good (M.P.I.F.F.G.) on the Hellmouth.
(I discount the Slayer6 as the M.P.I.F.F.G. simply because without the nontraditional—and clearly impressive—supporters she has assembled, she would even now be a molding corpse in a forgotten grave. Actually, she HAS been a molding corpse in a forgotten grave, but that didn’t work out so well for us. Bad luck, incidentally, sir.)
I bring your august and spine-cracking attention to the least likely suspect: ALEXANDER (XANDER) LAVELLE HARRIS. He has a traditionally heroic profile: outsider, handsome (according to ridiculous human female standards), witty, handy with power tools. He even has a dark, tragic childhood to add pathos and mystery.
It cannot possibly be an accident that this human is the ONLY member of the Slayer’s “Scooby Gang” without superpowers.7 He is not possessed of great Magicks, not superbly toned and flexible, not a mystical Great Key, not a former Vengeance Demon, and not either of the two currently ensouled Vampires. (He is not even, to our knowledge, gay.) He has never meddled with Dark Powers in search of thrills. He is, in fact, startlingly mundane, and would be considered mundane even in Akron, Ohio, much less at a mystical convergence of the outré such as the Hellmouth8.
IN THE BEGINNING
“Oh, huh, I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.”
Xander was, in fact, the very first person in Sunnydale to recognize the Slayer’s unusual nature. As her first friend upon her moving to the Hellmouth, he immediately brought a number of vital skills to the battle: witty repartee, an unexplained knowledge of the extensive tunnel system below Sunnydale, and a willingness to face emerging evil, unusual in any Sunnydale resident, where repression is a much-prized survival skill.
On the down side (or up side, for Team Evil) Xander was also cursed (blessed) with a fashion sense that could only be described as horrifyingly sadistic.9 He also displayed an encouraging streak of stupidity in those early days, not to mention preoccupation with several of the 7 Deadly SinsTM.
However, in addition to saving the Slayer’s life during the Harvest,10 he also was the first of her companions to stake a vampire. He continued this irritating and heroic trend by saving the also much-loathed Rupert “Ripper” Giles during a school talent show, and decapitating a poor, defenseless demon. (School functions on the Hellmouth: always exciting.)
Oh, yes, he—and only he—revived the Slayer from her first death at the hands of the Master11, which was obviously an enormous setback for the Forces of Evil (please refer to my extra-credit assignment, “Fourteen Better Ways to Kill the Slayer,” for some thoughts on how we might avoid this embarrassing problem next time).
FIRST YEAR SCORE:
Unassisted saveage of the Slayer: 1
Assisted saveage of the Slayer: 4
Saveage of other “Scoobies”: 3
THE SECOND YEAR
“Well, at least I’m the lameness who cares, whi
ch is more than I can say about you.”
None of Xander’s accomplishments would have been overly upsetting to our glorious and brilliant plans for sowing bloody discord, vengeance, and evil, but unfortunately he showed no signs of veering from his right-minded course. In fact, during the Slayer’s absence, her Scooby Gang12 apparently not only survived the summer’s supernatural visitations, but thrived and—indeed—managed to save some innocent lives. Well, one. And mostly by accident. But still. (Curse upon them.)
By saving the increasingly good and ever-annoying CORDELIA CHASE from her proper doom at the hands of fellow evil high-school students—more than once—Xander paved the way for the current troubles with our Los Angeles branch office of Wolfram & Hart.
During Spike’s invasion of Sunnydale High, the Slayer would have been caught without a stake—and subsequently, extremely dead (possibly even permanently!)—but unfortunately Xander was able to toss her the weapon in the nick of time. Worse, he continued his unpleasant habit of saving others. “If you’re gonna kiss anybody, it should be me,” he is reported to have said to an Incan Mummy, which is nauseatingly heroic (in that the Incan Mummy was pretty well wrinkled at the time). He summoned Angel13 to save the Slayer on at least three occasions during his second year as a Scooby.
His infiltration of the Delta Zeta Kappa fraternity—and subsequent hazing—was instrumental in allowing the White Hats to destroy our most excellent and phallic brother Machita. (On the Evil side, however, the destruction of Machita did cause an economic downturn from which the country is, even now, still reeling. Yay.)
The most credible evidence of Xander’s pivotal role as the M.P.I.F.F.G. is his transformation from nerdy high-school student to lethal soldier during Halloween of that year.14 In fact, during his second year as a Scooby, he saved, saved, and saved again. Irritatingly often, in fact. Willow. . . Cordelia . . . Buffy. . . Willow. . . Buffy . . . all of Sunnydale . . . Buffy . . . Buffy . . . the Sunnydale Swim Team (what’s left of it) … Buffy … and, most irritatingly, Rupert Giles. Again.
Most horribly, by procuring the rocket launcher that served as a technical end-run around our No Weapon Forged ironclad guarantee with The Judge,15 he ruined our apocalypse. Again.
Respectfully, Professor, I wonder if there was not someone asleep at the Evil Switch for our side, since this puny un-superpowered human has triumphed so often—and humiliatingly—over our Forces of Darkness. Perhaps an Inquisition might be in order. Something tasteful, with iron spikes.
SECOND YEAR SCORE:
Unassisted saveage of the Slayer: 1
Assisted saveage of the Slayer: 6
Saveage of other “Scoobies”: 8
Saveage of innocent civilians: 6*
(with force multiplier for potential destruction of Sunnydale)
THE THIRD YEAR
“Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?”
With the Slayer once again abandoning her post in Sunnydale, Team Evil had a prime opportunity to destroy all that was good and pure.
Which we apparently, again, muffed.16
The Scooby Gang, minus the Slayer, apparently triumphed over 60% of supernatural perils sent their way. The remaining 40% were, apparently, not properly instructed to simply KILL THEM. It’s easy to understand the confusion; obviously, being evil, we like to toy with and torture the innocent.
However, I believe we might want to consider a retraining program to cut down on the taunting and maiming in favor of the KILLING THEM DEAD.
In any case, this percentage presents an important clue that the Slayer is only 40% effective in fighting evil. Clearly, this eliminates Buffy Summers from any serious consideration as the M.P.I.F.F.G., giving Xander the inside track to the title.
Witness the destruction he achieved to our cause in his third year as a follower of the Slayer:
•His use of the moniker “Nighthawk” either struck terror into the hearts of his evil foes, or possibly confused them into believing that he had gone insane.
•During another ill-fated attempt to open the Hellmouth and achieve our goal of hell on Earth, Xander not only saved one Slayer (Faith17), he also ultimately saved the other Slayer, all the Scoobies, and assorted innocents by forcing one of our less-than-brilliant evil minions to defuse a bomb. (Zombies. What can you do?) And how many “normal” guys can say they’ve done the post-fight horizontal mambo with a Slayer? Few. And fewer still breathing.
•Xander actually prevented the horrible deaths of hundreds of Sunnydale students by discovering one of our Evil Minions planting rat poison in the cafeteria food. Coincidence? I think not. The Slayer was entirely on the wrong track. Obviously, Xander was forced to reveal himself as the godlike force for good that he is in this instance.
•Last—and most importantly—he acted as a general during the pitched battle on Graduation Day, marshalling students against the Forces of Darkness. Ascension Day. Another busted opportunity. What a gyp.
THIRD YEAR SCORE:
Unassisted saveage of the Slayer: 1
Assisted saveage of the Slayer: 3
(down from previous years!)
Saveage of other “Scoobies”: 5
Saveage of innocent civilians: hundreds, counting the graduating
seniors of Sunnydale High
THE FOURTH YEAR
“Are you kidding? I put the semper in Semper Fi. I might not be able to assemble an M-16 blindfolded like I used to or pass weapons drill from the mobile infantry . . . Might as well face it. Right now, I don’t have the technical skills to join the Swiss Army. And all those guys ask you to do is uncork a couple of sassy Cabernets.”
Without Xander, Buffy Summers18 would be just another corpse being identified from dental records. Who gave Buffy the pep talk to fight back against her enemies at the start of their fourth year of defending the world against evil? Xander. Who fetched her weapons when she was being creamed by Sunday, certainly my favorite vampire of the ’80s?19 Again. Xander.
Granted, he did bring back that pesky Chumash vengeance spirit, which resulted in various disgusting diseases inhabiting his flesh. Good one, Professor. Really liked the syphilis thing; that was a nice touch.
His heroics didn’t end with just human beings, oh no. He even stepped in to decoy enemies away from the not-then-ensouled-and-still-sort-of-evil Spike. His military experience constantly benefited the Slayer as she struggled against the Initiative.
Without Xander’s untimely intervention, Buffy and her new not-very-normal boyfriend Riley might well have melted Sunnydale into a delightful soup, thanks to a nicely conceived scheme on the part of our succubus demons (props to them, that whole “poltergasm” thing was really inspired). But naturally, when the Slayer’s at her most vulnerable, who shows up to spoil everything?
Xander.
Let’s not forget that when the Slayer needed extra power to beat the crap out of poor Frankenstein—er, Adam—Xander became the “heart” of the gestalt. Yep, pretty sure it was a gestalt. The only thing that saved us from having our Evil Butts totally kicked? They didn’t make him the “brains.”
Frankly, the year sucked for us . . . again. However, on the side of up, his preoccupation with sex worked for us. Fess up, Professor: was that Anya thing entirely accidental? Or were you planning to distract the M.P.I.F.F.G. with former-vengeance-demon nookie? If so, I worship at your cloven hooves.20
FOURTH YEAR SCORE:
Unassisted saveage of the Slayer: 0 (hooray!)
Assisted saveage of the Slayer: 3
Saveage of other “Scoobies”: 4
Saveage of innocent civilians: debatable.
(There are no innocent civilians anyway, right?)
THE FIFTH YEAR
“Scary, isn’t it? I think I’ve actually turned into someone you want around after a crazed robot attack.”
Luckily, the whole Anya thing continued to work for us with Xander . . . plus, once the Hellgod Glory sashayed into the p
icture in her Fredrick’s of Beverly Hills outfits and really cute shoes, well, his usefulness as an ally was strictly limited by his breakability.21
He did manage to throw himself in front of a couple of things that might—or might not—have done damage to the Slayer. He also attempted some crisis counseling work with Buffy on her breakup with the virile and tastily depressed Riley Finn. Didn’t work out so well, so it’s a wash, evil-wise.
However, most notably, he stood up to the formidable Olaf the Troll on behalf of Willow and Anya. It takes a real set of big brass ones to say to a troll, “You are not touching these women.” Well, okay, occasionally a human will say that sort of thing, but generally they run screaming once the bone-breaking begins. Xander, however, stood his ground. Points for that.
His only notable contribution to the fight with Glory was, of course, the smackdown he put on her with the wrecking ball, shortly before her inglorious demise at the hands of the enemy. And I ask you, how embarrassing is it for a Hellgod to be dispatched not even by the Slayer, but by her WATCHER? Her DISGRACED, RELIEVED OF HIS DUTIES WATCHER? Yikes. I might want to let a few millennia go by after her re-incorporation before submitting my resume, let her get that out of her system.
It is ominously significant that the Slayer said to the Watcher’s Council, “The boy has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He’s part of the unit.” Clearly, we should have spent more time offering Xander incentives to commit evil acts (or possibly even pyramid investment opportunities) rather than focusing on the redheaded stepwitch. (Not that she didn’t look beautiful as a villain. Just . . . well. A sudden emergence of fashion sense doesn’t substitute for the grit to maim and slay with abandon, now, does it?)
Just as an aside, sir, have you noticed that as people go bad, they tend to pick up some bitchin’ fashion sense? Angel: leather pants. Willow: evil ‘do and black eyes (black, as we know, accessorizes with EVERYTHING). Perhaps we should open a makeover clinic in Sunnydale. As everyone becomes more fashion-conscious, we may get a corresponding reduction in heroics. Plus, only the Slayer has demonstrated a supernatural ability to fight in high heels.
Seven Seasons of Buffy: Science Fiction and Fantasy Authors Discuss Their Favorite Television Show (Smart Pop series) Page 2