I knew she would put me through a fast. I tried to sleep to conserve my energy. I did drift off from time to time, but woke often. The sun's descent deepened the shadows in my room. My stomach growled, demanding something. Finally, I heard my door being unlocked. I sat up quickly. Mama entered with a glass of something in her hand.
"Drink this." she told me.
I shook my head.
"You must. It won't hurt you, Noble. It will strengthen you."
"What is it?" I knew it was fruitless to ask. She would never reveal her secret formulas because she believed to do so would reduce their effectiveness.
"Never mind what it is. It will strengthen you." She held it out. "The faster you cooperate, the faster this will all end."
I thought about jumping up and running out. but I was afraid. Why hadn't Daddy come to me all this time? Why hadn't he spoken to her as well? Was she right? Had something evil taken on his appearance to fool me?
"You know in your heart that I know what's best for you, for all of us. Noble," she said softly. She reached out and caressed my cheek. She hadn't done it so lovingly for so long. I closed my eyes, enjoying the touch of her hand on me and all that it brought. "Go on," she urged.
I reached out and took the glass. Whatever was in it was yellow. I was sure at least it was some combination of herbs. I knew what she thought about the protective powers of ivy, juniper and garlic, milkwort, and ragwort, among others. Mama expected that someday I would take over producing her remedies, so from time to time she explained them and showed me how she mixed them. There were, however, so many, and so many that carried mystical and spiritual authority.
As usual. I hated the taste and had to close my eyes to drink. I did it as fast as I could. She explained again as she had explained before that it wasn't meant to be tasty. It was meant to be thought of as medicine. Just as there was medicine for the body, there was medicine for the soul. Mama saw spiritual qualities in everything, It was how she had taught me to see the world around us as well, even the world outside our house.
My stomach gurgled and I sat back on the bed.
She took out my chamber pot, emptied it, and then returned. "Can't I go out now, Mama?"
"Soon, Sleep first."
"Where's the baby?"
"The baby is fine. Worry about yourself for now," she told me, and left. I heard the door being locked.
Even though the darkness thickened. I didn't bother putting on a light. I lay back in my bed. The drink was already making me feel hot and dizzy. Nausea came and went, and suddenly I felt that I was sinking in the bed, but as I was sinking. I was rising. too. The spiritual part of me was lifting out of my body. I was hovering over myself.
And then I thought I saw our family spirits come into my room and walk slowly around my bed, circling and circling. I recognized many from their pictures. Everyone's eyes were closed. No one would look at me. I cried out. I begged, but no one responded.
Slowly they filed out until they were all gone. Then I sank back into my body.
And I slept.
In the morning Mama opened my door. She had Baby Celeste in her arms and she was smiling.
"See." she told Baby Celeste. "Noble is fine again."
I rubbed my eyes and, using my elbows, pushed myself up to sit. I was still groggy and a little dizzy.
"Rise and shine. You have to get up now, Noble.. We have a lot to do. I want everything to look as nice as it can. We have work to finish,
"Dave came over last night while you were asleep, and he formally proposed to me.
"And I said yes." She held out her hand. The large diamond glittered in the light as if the light originated with it.
"He gave you a ring?"
"Of course. It was his mother's, too. It has a nice energy to it. For now anyway."
"You're formally engaged?"
"Yes. Noble. Were formally engaged," she said. smirking. "Sometimes I think thoughts sink into your head like a stone in thick mud. An hour later you realize what you had heard."
She shook her head at me and then smiled.
"We're going to have a real wedding, too, and here on our farm. So you see, there is a lot to do. Now you understand why I had begun.
"Wash up and come down to breakfast." She turned and left.
I sat there, still feeling dazed. Then I started to get up, slipping my feet into my shots. He gave her a ring. There was going to be a wedding. It was really happening.
I thought I heard a loud sobbing and went to my window. Below, I saw Noble standing and looking up at me.
Then I heard Elliot's laugh.
Noble lowered his head, turned, and started for the forest.
A cloud drifted over the sun and dropped a long, dark shadow around him. It seemed to swallow him up until he was gone.
Leaving me feeling even more alone.
8
Patience and Faith
.
If I was ever afraid to ask Mama any questions
about her and Mr. Fletcher. I was now. I didn't want to do anything to lead her to believe I hadn't been purged of the evil she thought had entered the house and me. Fortunately, she was too involved in her relationship with Mr. Fletcher to notice my nervousness. At breakfast she went on and on, bragging about the sacrifices Mr. Fletcher was willing to make for her.
"No, not just for me, for us, " she emphasized. "He's putting his house up for sale immediately."
I looked up quickly. Immediately? When did she intend to get married?
"It takes time to sell a house, especially one like that," she continued as if she had read my thoughts. "However. Dave knows there is no way I would agree to move from here, and he's quite happy about moving in with us. He's selling all of his furnishings as well, and if his daughter doesn't return home, he'll put all of her things in storage. He might even give much of them away to needy people, who would appreciate it more than she does.
"You look surprised. Noble. What is on your mind?" Mama asked with a smile. "Go ahead, tell me."
"When will you be getting married?"
"We're discussing the exact date soon. I want the wedding to be held here. He wants to have it catered by some well-known company in the area. but I explained that I don't want any strangers who have no real interest in us other than money to be part of our joining together. Besides, ifs not going to be a big wedding party by any means. I can certainly handle the number of guests we'll have, and you'll do a great deal to help me set up for it.
"I've already talked to Mr. Bogart about it. He has suggested the minister to perform the ceremony. It's someone who appreciates our way."
"There'll be no honeymoon as such," she continued. "Sometime later, when events permit, well take a holiday. All of us. Just like any other family."
"What about your work?" I ventured.
"Oh, my work. I've told you how much Dave respects my herbal remedies, and as for spiritual things... well, you'll be surprised at how much he believes. He's not capable of what were capable of doing, of course, but his beliefs aren't at great odds with ours. In time, because of his love for me, he will accept everything, especially when I show him a world he never imagined existed right around us. He's always complimenting me on my temperament and voicing aloud how much he wants to learn so he can escape from life's worries, especially" -- she made a disapproving face -- "the worries he has about his daughter!' Mama laughed. "He calls me a 'fresh drink of water.' My grandfather used to use that expression. Still does," she muttered.
What did all this mean? I wondered, Had she ever told Mr. Fletcher about our family spirits, about crossing over, or was their talk only about spiritual harmony, peace. meditation? Would he become like Daddy, tolerant, understanding, or would he run for cover the first time Mama told him someone else was in the room beside us?
She didn't seem a bit concerned, and that both worried me and made me curious. The biggest question was yet to be asked: What about me? What would she ever tell him about me? And as a consequence
of that, what would she ever tell him about Baby Celeste? How could we keep our secret world from him if he was living here? Or would we? Was his love for Mama so great that she believed she could trust him with everything? What did she know that I didn't?
"Please wipe that look of worry from your face, Noble. I promise you nothing will change, nothing will interfere with our spiritual balance. What we do now, we do for Baby Celeste." she added, looking at her. "She's our future, and therefore, she's everyone's future. Do you understand? We must protect her, protect everything that has been entrusted in our care. Ill be depending on you."
"Yes. Mama,"
"When a precious little girl like Baby Celeste grows up in a world without a real mother and a father, she's always at a disadvantage. People will mark her as an illegitimate child. There are so many stupid prejudices floating about out there. Of all people, you and I know that too well. I want to make sure our Baby Celeste has no disadvantages.
"You'll set," Mama said, patting me on the hand. "In time everything becomes clear. Noble. It just takes patience and faith, the cornerstones of our lives. I should have named my children that. Patience and Faith." She laughed. "Maybe Baby Celeste will name her children Patience and Faith." Mama looked at her again.
At the sound of her name. Baby Celeste looked up quickly and smiled.
"You will, won't you?" Mama asked her. "You'll marry the right person and you'll be a blessing to all you touch and all who touch you. Won't you, my dear, dear child?"
Baby Celeste nodded as if she truly understood. I was beginning to believe she did.
"And as to you," Mama said, turning back to me as if I had done something wrong already. "you need not worry about Dave interfering with you or trying to change you. He will be here to do whatever we ask. Whatever suggestions he makes to you, you can accept or reject. Be with him as much as you like or as little as you like. Just don't insult him or give him any reason to think you don't appreciate him. Do you understand?"
"Yes. Mama."
"Good. Im so happy for you, Noble. Pm so happy I've been able to help you see things, the right things. In time" -- Mama turned her head slowly toward Baby Celeste -- "our Baby Celeste will help us see even more. There is so much left to discover through her."
I looked from her to Celeste. What did she mean? How could a baby help us to see more, discover more? Who did she think Celeste really was?
"Oh. Noble. Im so happy. So happy for us all that I've decided the three of us are taking the day off," Mama declared with a bounce in her seat. " We're going shopping and to lunch at the big mall in Middletown. Wear something nice," she told me. "I want to buy you some more clothes, too, and some prettier things for the baby, as well as myself." she added with a slight blush. "We need to get the baby some new books as well. What would you like? Is there something you've been thinking about lately?"
"No. Mama."
There really were things I dreamed about. but I could never mention them. How often had I snuck a look at a new style in a magazine, new shoes, or jewelry? For a while months ago, I had some magazines hidden in my room the way a teenage boy might have Playboy or some other such magazine hidden in his. Eventually, I was so frightened of the possibility of Mama finding them that I snuck them out and buried them behind the house. We both had our private graveyards, I thought.
"Well, you'll think about it some more. Im sure you'll see something you want when we walk about the shops and look in the windows and at the displays. Sometimes, its fun just to look at what's new."
Fun? Since when did she think that was any fun? How changed she was. I couldn't recall a time when Mama had been as buoyant and energized as she was now. As she moved through the house, she hummed and sang. She primped and preened in front of the mirror for almost an hour, experimenting with different ways to wear her hair, different outfits and jewelry and shades of lipstick. Every time I suggested I would wait outside, she told me she was almost ready and she didn't want me getting dirty.
Have a little patience. I know you, Noble. You'll just wander off to the garden or the shed and get muddied or greasy. Just keep your eye on Baby Celeste. We're leaving in a few minutes."
The few minutes went on and on until I thought we would never leave. Maybe it was all Mama's illusion, fantasy. Even Baby Celeste grew bored and fell asleep with her head on my lap. I twirled her curly red hair in my finger and watched her eyelids tremble as she slept. Looking at her beautiful lips and soft cheeks, I wondered what sort of dreams she had. Were they serious prophetic dreams or dreams like I used to have, dreams full of candy canes and dolls, music and laughter? Was she the magical child Mama claimed she was or was she just a little girl, born into a world she might never understand?
Yes. I saw myself in her, but I saw Elliot, too, and I wondered how could it be that Mr. Fletcher could look at her, especially now that he was going to be an intimate part of our lives, and not see that as well.
Or had he seen that immediately? I suddenly wondered. The idea made my heart race.
Could it be that he did know, that this pursuit of him that Mama was so proud of, that Mama thought was spiritually directed and planned, was really just the opposite? She wasn't beguiling me. Fletcher for our purposes: he was beguiling her for reasons Mama did not see or understand. How dangerous was that? What could be the result?
As sweet and gentle a man as he seemed to be, he could be the very challenge to our world and our existence that Mama dreaded and about whom Mama warned. He could be that Trojan horse that Mama once accused Cleo, my dog, of being. He could be the dark shadow she feared was coming out of the forest.
And yet, how could Mama be so bewitched? And why wouldn't our family spirits have warned her as I thought they had warned me? Look how quickly and lovingly Baby Celeste had taken to him. I told myself. If she was the magic child, wouldn't she sense danger?
I was so confused. It made me dizzy. Should I be happy about Mr. Fletcher, happy we would have a man in our lives again, a father for Baby Celeste and even for me, or should I be terrified for all of us? If I showed that terror. Mama would only lock me away.
"I'm ready," I heard, and looked up.
I was sure she saw the surprise on my face. Mama wore her hair differently, swept to the back on one side. It made her look seductive, sexy. She had chosen a lipstick more on the pink tone, which matched her one-piece, sleeveless dress and her shoes. Was that an ankle bracelet? When did she get that? Or was it something she had always had but had never taken out until now? It was as if she were digging up one secret after another and astonishing me more and more with each revelation.
There was no denying she was so pretty, but instead of being proud of her and taking delight in her beauty. I suddenly felt that all too familiar pang of jealousy so strongly it embittered me and nearly tore me in two.
I gazed down at my calloused palms, my hard forearms, my jeans and clodhopper shoes, scuffed and worn. My toes curled unhappily within. A feeling of utter disgust and revulsion washed over me. It tightened my chest and squeezed my heart like a sponge squeezed in a fist. My stomach muscles stiffened. What am I, what have I become, I thought, that I would be so repulsed by the sight of myself?
"Don't tell me she fell asleep?" Mama said, finally taking note of Baby Celeste on my lap.
"You took so long," I accused, perhaps too sharply. I held my breath. She stared a moment, then shook her head the way she would shake off shower water. Mama accepted and denied things in a world within a world. She was always listening to voices, even as she spoke.
"Well, you'll just have to carry her to the car and strap her in her seat, Noble, sure she'll become alert when we get to the shops."
Mama continued to walk into the living room toward me, wet her fingers on her tongue, then wiped my cheek.
"Honestly, you would go about all day blotched and streaked with grime. You haven't changed since you were four." she told me, but she smiled. too.
I looked up at her and she saw something in my
eyes that caused her to take pause. I was angrily thinking that in her view of things I would always be her little boy. I couldn't even grow into a man, much less a woman.
"Are you all right? You haven't had any new problems, have you?" she asked quickly.
I shook my head immediately. If I had hesitated for a split second, she would have had me up in my room again. locked the door, put me on another fast, and gone off with Baby Celeste
"Then let's get started," she said in a happier tone of voice.
I lifted Baby Celeste as gracefully as I could. She moaned but didn't wake up. When we put her in her seat, her eyes snapped open and she gazed around, realized she was in the car, and smiled.
"Ride," she said, and clapped her hands.
"There, see, someone is happy today," Mama said, pointedly looking my way. "Someone
appreciates the great efforts I make for us all."
"I appreciate it I protested."We'll see. We'll see."
Off we went. It was so rare that I left the farm these days. As I sat and gazed out at the scenery, the homes and businesses we passed. I recalled how excited Noble used to be and how he longed so to be out in the world. His dream was to attend public school, to have lots of friends. His frustration, budding anger, and inconsolable misery had lured him down the dour pathway to his appointment with Death. Now that I thought about all that, it worried me that Mama hadn't understood, hadn't seen it all coming. She wasn't perfect after all. No one was perfect, except maybe Baby Celeste.
"I thought we would stop at Dave's drugstore today and visit with him awhile," Mama told me. "We're not being formal and all about announcing our engagement in the newspapers, but as you see"-- she held her hand out toward me -- "he has given me a ring and he's been telling the people he works with at the store and his regular customers, and you know how quickly news spreads around here. We'll be showing our faces at his store more and more often."
I couldn't hide my amazement at Mama's new out-going personality. Aside from the people who came to her for herbal remedies, our attorney-- Mr. Derward Lee NoklebyCook-- some school officials when I was in the homeschool program, and Mr. Bogart. Mama had little or no contact with people living in what we always thought of as the outside world. She didn't need them; she didn't want them. It had been like this since Daddy's death, and even when he was alive, she was never eager to socialize, invite people to dinner, or go to restaurants. I remembered how Daddy had complained about their not taking advantage of their increased wealth, not taking vacations, going on trips, or shopping more for us and themselves. Before his death, those arguments were occurring frequently. Why was she willing to be more sociable with Mr. Fletcher than she had been with Daddy?
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