by Claire Adams
I saw a power come over Ana as we made our way down the trail. Over hills, around corners, she led as if she had run the same trail a hundred times before. At the start of our run, she had been hunched over and looking at the ground, but now she had her head up, was pumping her arms, and in excellent running form. I could tell she was a runner by the way she held her arms in close to her side when she got tired. People who didn’t run a lot tended to get sloppy when they got tired, but runners knew that if they could hold their form, they weren’t tired enough to quiet just yet.
“How far we going?” Ana yelled back to me.
“As far as you want.”
She gave me what I could only label as a suspicious grin, then turned forward and kept running. I’m pretty sure she even picked up the pace a little bit. I was good to go though. After years in the military, running long distances had become second nature to me. I was in great shape and long runs were boring alone; it was going to be nice to have Ana around for some good, long running.
Running gave me the opportunity to think and clear my mind. It was like my therapy, and I loved to run through the woods behind my house. The trail we were running on was made by me as a guide so I wouldn’t have to worry about jumping over bushes and trees while out on my run. It was just one of many tasks I had taken on over the years to keep me busy when I was off from jobs.
I liked to stay busy. It was calming to me and helped me work through all my own, horrible memories that rattled through my brain when things were calm. It was a weird balance to want to live in the woods because there was nothing to do out there, but also I wanted to stay busy. My workout shed, my home, and wraparound porch had all been built by me. The art of working with my hands and staying busy was just the right solution for my mind to stay focused.
As I glanced at my distance tracker on my wrist, I realized we had already run almost five miles and had yet to turn around. This run had turned into a much longer one than I had planned. I would have packed some water and drinks if I had known we were going to be out for so long. I felt the fatigue setting in, but as I looked up at Ana, she appeared to be ready to run another five miles.
“We should probably turn around soon; we’re out five miles already.”
“Really?” Ana said as she slowed to a jog.
The surprise was evident on her face, and I couldn’t help but laugh. She had probably been spacing out and thinking, just as I had been doing. It was really good to see her so happy though and I’d gladly go on a run with her every day if it mean she would smile as if she was. Ana need more smiling in her life, that was for sure.
“Yep; want to take a break and then head back?”
“I’m good, no break needed. Do you need a break?”
Her sudden confidence in her physical abilities delighted me. I liked seeing her feeling so willing to take on the world. But a little part of me felt like I should be able to keep up with her without taking a break; yet all I wanted to do was take a break. Unfortunately, my masculinity won and I opted not to take a break.
“Oh, no. I’m good to go. Let’s do this. Should we race back?” I teased.
“Oh, I’d beat you for sure.”
I was pretty sure she was right. The endorphin high that Ana was on was insurmountable. I saw it in her eyes and knew she was going to beat me back. But a little wager still seemed like fun.
“I’ll take that bet.”
“I like bets. Let’s put some stakes on this,” Ana joked.
“You want to bet me money?”
Ana didn’t have any money, so I wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted to put up as the stakes to our bet. But I liked seeing her get worked up. I was totally not going to beat her back to the house though, so I needed the bet to be in my favor of course.
“No. not money. If I beat you back, you’ll till up some land for me to plant a garden.”
“Okay, and what about if I win?”
“That’s not going to happen,” she winked at me and took off running.
I laughed at her excitement, but still took off running behind her in an effort to win. I’d have no problem at all helping her with a garden. It was one of the things that had been on my list of projects to get done while I was out there. Every year I wanted to start it, but then I’d take a job and have to leave the project for later on.
Ana had a kick going that I knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep up with. Her slim frame and good form had obviously come from years of running and I felt ill equipped to match her. But I was going to do my best not to be left behind. I kicked my ass into gear, but I still fell farther and farther behind her as she ran.
There was a power in her stride. She had a genuine joy that I could see even as I got farther behind her. Ana was testing her physical limits. She was seeing what her body could do even after going through such a horrible time. It was exactly what I had done after my last deployment with the Navy Seals. The endorphins are going and your body is functioning better than you thought it would, so you keep pushing it and pushing it, waiting for it to give up and break. But the great thing about our bodies is that they are resilient and they don’t like to give up.
Ana didn’t look back at me. She didn’t check to see if I was catching up to her at all. She wasn’t in a race with me any longer. Ana was racing against herself. I was no match for that kind of determination and I slowed my run to a jog. I knew when I was outmatched.
Being in the Navy Seals wasn’t just about being the best. I learned when I needed others and when I needed to accept my limitations. It had been in my training from the beginning. Ana didn’t have that training and I could tell she was still in the process of learning when she could push through things and when she needed to ask others for help. It was a long road ahead for her.
When I finally arrived back at the house, Ana was sitting on the porch with her feet up and holding a large glass of ice water. She looked like she had been sitting there for at least twenty minutes before I arrived. Although I knew it was more like three or four minutes. It was nice to see her humor coming out as she made it look like she had been waiting forever for me.
“I guess I’m making you a garden,” I said with a smile as Ana handed me a glass of water.
“I guess you are.”
“You did great out there. How did that feel?”
“Feel? I don’t know. I don’t feel anything anymore. Or I feel everything all at once.”
“I understand.”
I sat down next to Ana and put my feet up on the handrail like she had hers. It was mid morning now, the sun was warming up the woods, and the animals were all wide-awake. The birds chirped, the squirrels ran through the trees, and Ana sat smiling and looking out at the wilderness. She had a look of happiness and contentment that I hadn’t seen on any woman who had ever visited my house. The wilderness certainly wasn’t for everyone, but I was happy to see that Ana was enjoying it.
We sat on that porch for a good three hours in almost complete silence. No obligation to talk, no need to fill the air with our words, just an utter enjoyment of the peace that we were surrounded by.
There weren’t too many people in the world that I could sit next to and feel totally comfortable with, but Ana was apparently one of those people. I felt like I had known her for years as we sat together and watched the day go by. We laid our heads back and looked into the trees, watched the wildlife fly around the forest, and just enjoyed the peace and quiet that was going on right there in front of us.
I loved my house and where it was located. It wasn’t near any highways, or even major roads for that matter. I could walk for hours without ever coming across my neighbors. Even the other houses that were out in the woods were empty most of the time, people from the city just used them for vacation homes when they wanted to get away from the hustle of their day-to-day life. But I got to stay there all the time and was always away from the hustle.
My wooded house was the perfect way for me to escape the reality of the world when I
wasn’t working. I loved it and didn’t often share it with people in my life. Even my own family hadn’t been out to my house very often; I usually ended up driving into town and just seeing them there.
It felt right to have Ana there with me, though. It felt perfect.
Chapter 9
ANA
Nate and I had established a mutual respect by the end of our first week together. I did as he asked and made sure to eat meals and tried to sleep the best I could in the evenings and Nate got my garden started for me so I could work on planting some vegetables.
Gardening wasn’t something that I knew about, really. I had just enjoyed the garden so much at the treatment center that I wanted to try my hand at one of my own. Well sort of my own, it was Nate’s house and I wasn’t delusional; I knew that sooner or later I was going to have to leave the place I was now calling home.
Working with my hands in the dirt of the garden was like a form of meditation for me. I could move up and down the rows as I planted seeds and then fertilized one section at a time. As the seeds started to grow, I went out there daily to water them and I spent hours weeding the garden area, and even a little around Nate’s house.
For me, gardening was my way of thinking and working through everything that was going on for me. It didn’t seem like work at all. Instead, it was my relaxation and I wanted Nate’s home to feel as much like my home as it could for the time being.
Home was such a foreign concept to me lately. I hadn’t had a place I considered my own for a very long time. But Nate’s house felt like I belonged there. The huge trees protected over us during the day and at night they seemed to clear out of the way and let us look up into the sky.
Nate was great with me and we had been nothing but appropriate with each other since the night I kissed him. He had projects he was always working on around the house and I found things to do as well. I had started to get used to this routine when the weekend came and Jordan and Chase arrived for a visit.
I felt better than ever when they came to visit us though. I hadn’t had many episodes of feeling out of control at all during the week. Nate and I went running each morning and then split and did our own thing for most of the afternoons. Sometimes I would even stay on the front porch for hours and hours reading books and watching Nate as he worked on his building projects.
For as angry as I had been at Jordan and Chase for wanting me to come to Nate’s house, I knew it was the right decision. And when Jordan started going on and on about how noisy it was with all the construction at her house, that just confirmed everything for me.
“Do you want to see the vegetable garden I’ve been working on?” I asked Jordan, unable to hold back my pride for any longer.
“You planted a vegetable garden?”
Jordan knew me very well. She knew that I had bought a plant for my apartment and forgot to water it for an entire week until it had died. Jordan knew me almost better than I knew myself so it was understandable that she looked a little shocked when we walked around the house and I showed her the huge garden that Nate had prepared for me.
“I’ve been planting the seeds very carefully; they should be sprouting some tiny growths soon. I’m not really sure what to do after that, though.”
“Ana, this is awesome. You look incredible. It’s so nice to see you smiling again.”
“Thanks; Nate has been wonderful. We’ve been running along that trail every morning and he’s super adorable and tries to keep up with me, but I always win.”
“Adorable,” Jordan said as she made a funny face at me.
I hadn’t realized the word would make me feel so uncomfortable. But the way Jordan was looking at me made me feel embarrassed.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“So are you two a thing now?” she continued on.
“No, we aren’t a thing,” I said louder than I meant to.
“Oh, did she tell you about their kiss?” Chase said as he and Nate came around the corner.
I saw Nate reach for Chase’s arm as if he wanted him to stop talking, but Chase just continued on.
“Can you believe these two? Before we know it, we will be watching them get married and having their own kids. What a cute couple they are.”
The look of absolute horror on my face was impossible to hide. My whole chest and face were a brilliant red color and I looked at Jordan in the hopes that she would rescue me from the situation. She had to be able to tell from my face that what Chase was saying needed to stop.
Please just make him stop.
“How about we butt out of their business?” Jordan interjected. “Nate, when do you leave for your job?”
“One more week, but don’t worry, I’m teaching Ana how to kill someone with her bare hands. So she’ll be fine here alone.”
Nate didn’t seem nearly as embarrassed by the conversation as I had been. He let it roll right off of him as they moved on to talking about his work and his upcoming job.
I hated to think about Nate leaving. His house was comforting to me, it was safe. I couldn’t imagine feeling as safe without him there. Most likely I would have to head over to Jordan and Chase’s house, and I wasn’t looking forward to that at all. Jordan was getting ready to have her baby and I would certainly be in the way there.
“Oh, yeah, Nate, I need to talk to you about something,” Chase said as he pulled Nate to the side.
Jordan and I continued to talk but I tried to listen in on what Chase and Nate were saying as well. It sounded like they were talking about Stephano and that was what originally perked my ears up. Anything that had to do with Stephano Copal certainly was something I wanted to hear.
“Is Stephano coming after me?” I said, totally ignoring whatever it was that Jordan had said to me.
Chase looked at Nate and waited for him to answer. I didn’t like the look the two men exchanged at all. There was something going on, there was a danger that they weren’t telling me about.
“I’m pretty sure you are safe here,” Chase said.
He sounded about as convincing as a fat woman selling a diet plan. The way he avoided making eye contact with me and looked to Nate to guide him in his answers, I didn’t like it one bit. My whole feeling of safety slipped from me, and within a week, Nate was going to be gone as well. Somehow I had to gain control over what was going on.
“Tell me the truth, you two. I’m not a child. I’ll worry about it more if I don’t have the details. At least with the information, I can worry about the right things.”
I looked to Jordan for support in my quest for information, but she appeared to be hiding something as well. There was a secret looming over the three of them and none of them wanted to tell me exactly what was going on.
“I’m here; there’s nothing for you to worry about. And when I leave, you can go to Chase’s house. He just put in a top notch security system that’s better than Fort Knox.”
I felt the fear as it started to build up from the pit of my stomach and then moved out to my fingertips. The blood didn’t seem to be reaching them and they all started to tingle. My chest was getting tight and my vision a little blurry as I took in a deep breath and tried to calm myself down.
Up until that very moment, I had been on a road to recovery and I knew it. But the way my body reacted to the news that Nate was leaving and I would either have to stay alone at the house or go to live with Jordan; well, my reaction was a clear sign that I wasn’t getting any better at all.
I couldn’t talk and I didn’t want everyone staring at me as my panic attack started to set in. Without saying a word, I turned and made my way to the house. Sure, I knew it would get some sort of reaction from everyone. I knew they were going to be worried about me, but I had to get away from them. I had to get away from the conversation and all thoughts of change.
Change wasn’t my friend at that moment. All I wanted to do was the exact same thing every single day. I wanted to get up and have a few sips of a protein shake, then head out on a
long run. I wanted to take my shower and sit on the front porch while Nate did his jobs around the house. Then I’d read one of the many romance novels Jordan had provided for me until late afternoon when we’d have lunch. This had already become my routine in the last week and I didn’t want to change it. My body felt relaxed from the day-to-day boringness, and that was exactly how I wanted it to stay.
“You’re going to have to learn how to deal with your anxiety sooner or later,” Nate hollered after me when he realized I had walked away.
“Shut up!” I screamed back at him.
“See, she’s getting better,” he joked with Jordan and Chase.
I had barely closed my bedroom door when there was a knock at it. It was going to be Jordan, I knew it. She couldn’t just let me be for one minute, she had to be there to help me.
“Go away, Jordan, I don’t want to talk.”
“It’s not Jordan, and I’m not going away,” Nate said as he opened my door.
“Hey! I could have been getting undressed or something.”
“You need to get your ass back out there. We are trying to talk about what to do when I’m gone. This is your life Ana, you can’t just walk away from it.”
“Get out of my room!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Jordan! Chase!” I hollered.
“I told them to stay outside. I know what this feels like right now Ana. I know it. But you need to let it come. You have to let the fear come so you know you can handle it. Now walk back out there.”
He stood with the door open and his hand pointed toward the front of the house. The determination in his eyes was infuriating. Who did he think he was? He didn’t know what it was like for me. Nathan Foster had zero idea what it was like to be held captive and drugged by a man. His cute smile and adorable eyes weren’t going to convince me of anything. He didn’t know what I was going through.
“Get out of my room and leave me alone,” I continued to scream as I tried to push him out of my bedroom.
My hands pressed up against what felt like solid stone as Nate stood still and didn’t move, not even an inch. His feet were firmly planted on the ground as he looked down at me with a flat expression.