by Holly Rayner
“Exactly.” She went to take a drink of her wine but reconsidered it and put the glass down. “So you don’t celebrate Christmas because it reminds you of your sister? Is that it?”
Ken tensed. He thought that he’d successfully navigated away from that topic.
“I don’t do a lot of things I used to,” he said. “I run my foundation and that’s it. It gives me purpose. Every morning when I wake up, I know what I need to do and I do it. I make a difference in people’s lives, even if it’s from a distance.”
“Why does it have to be from a distance?”
He pressed his tongue against his front teeth, the emotions he worked so hard to constantly bottle up rising. “Because I hurt people.”
Adison’s eyebrows pinched together. “I don’t see that. Who? Who do you hurt?”
He couldn’t look at her. “I hurt my sister.”
“What do you mean?” she whispered.
He laced his hands together. Very few people knew about this. He was tired of walking around with the shame, though, and assuming he was no good because of it.
He wanted to unburden himself, to reveal the truth to Adison and let her make her own judgment call. If she accepted him, great. If she threw stones, then okay. He would accept the punishment.
“Becca was autistic,” he said. “She needed constant help. Dressing. Eating.”
He let out a shaky breath and paused. Last chance to back out of sharing.
But he figured why not go for it. It was almost Christmas, and people liked to speak about miracles around this time. God knows he was due for one of those.
“My parents depended on my help with her. It was hard, I have to admit, but I never saw Becca as a burden. She was the most loving person I knew. If she saw a mosquito in the house, she would insist I catch it and put it outside rather than kill it.”
He smiled at the memories. Becca had been too good for this world.
And the world had been too cruel for her.
“Sometimes she would have seizures.” His hands tightened on each other. “On Christmas Eve when I was seventeen, I went out partying with friends. I was supposed to wake Becca up and get her ready the next morning because my parents had gone out to grab something last-minute. A present.”
He still didn’t know what that present was; if it was for him or Becca or the both of them. He’d never asked. Out of everything that occurred that fateful morning, it was the least important detail.
“I didn’t want to get up that morning,” he said. “My dad came in to tell me he and my mom were leaving. I told him that I was getting up right then…”
His voice cracked. He stared into the fire until his vision blurred. “I was tired. I kept telling myself one more minute. I guess those minutes turned into an hour. I had fallen back asleep when all of a sudden it was like someone shook me awake. I remembered Becca.”
That moment would forever be vivid in his memory. The house was eerily quiet. He’d started from bed and rushed down the hallway to her room, but it had been empty. Calling her name, he’d run through the apartment. There’d been no signs of his sister, so he’d rushed to the landing. That’s where he found her.
“She’d had one of the seizures. Most of the apartment was soft, proofed so that she wouldn’t get hurt when they happened. But she’d left the apartment and fallen down the stairs.”
Adison gasped. “Oh, Ken.”
His nails bit into his palms. “She’d been gone for a little while. Not long. Maybe only a few minutes.”
He ran a hand down his face, afraid to look at Adison. “My parents acted like I wasn’t to be blamed, but I was. They knew it, too. They never looked at me again the same. I moved out a few months after that, and it was never right between us. I saw them very little, and then they passed about six months apart a few years back.”
“It was an accident,” Adison said gently.
It took a lot of strength to turn his face to hers. “An accident that was preventable.”
“Maybe so, but you’re human. And do you really think Becca, wherever she is now, blames you for it?”
That struck him dumb. He wasn’t sure how to respond.
Adison went on. “Considering how tenderhearted you said she was, I seriously doubt it. She would forgive you, wouldn’t she?”
He swallowed. “When you put it that way, yes. I’m sure she would.”
“Then how come you can’t forgive yourself?”
He smiled sadly. The way Adison talked about it, she made the whole matter sound simple. It was anything but that, though he appreciated her trying.
And she wasn’t turning away from him in disgust. In fact, she scooted a little closer and rested her hand on his arm.
“Has your opinion of me changed?” he asked.
Her gaze flicked between his eyes. “Are you asking me if I think less of you now?”
“I suppose I am.”
She shook her head slowly. “No, I don’t think less of you. I’m glad you told me that. It helps me understand you better. You’re a good guy, Ken. You don’t seem to think so, but I know you are.”
He couldn’t fight a frown. “I’m nothing compared to you.”
“Pfft.” Adison rolled her eyes. “Stop.”
“No. I’m serious.” He remained fixed on her face, and though she started to laugh, all humor quickly fell away.
“Sometimes I think you don’t like me,” she whispered.
His heart lurched. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. I just…I need to be careful with people.”
“Why?” she asked with zero hesitation.
“Because I hurt them.”
“You mean Becca.”
“Yes.”
Adison’s lips pursed. “And you’ve kept yourself at a distance since then because you think you’ll make the same mistake with others. That you’ll let your guard down, get too comfortable, and then something bad will happen.”
He sucked in a breath. “You’re trying to get a specific read on me, huh?”
“Well, it’s pretty textbook,” she said dryly.
To his great surprise, he laughed.
This time of the year was the worst for him, a reminder that while everyone else was enjoying the holidays with their family, he was doing anything but—probably working at his empty office or doing whatever he could to forget. By now, he expected for December to be a whole month where he toed around the edges of a pit of depression.
In December, there was no laughter. There was no joy. Or so it had been before Adison.
“See?” She grinned. “If you’re laughing, things aren’t so bad.”
“I suppose they aren’t.”
They stared into each other’s eyes for a long moment—longer than he had ever allowed himself to look at her for.
“I’m sorry that I ever gave you the impression I don’t like you,” he said.
“Thank you.” She broke eye contact. “It’s been a little hard for me, because, well, pretending to have a relationship, it stirs up all these feelings.”
She turned bright red.
“And then there was the kiss,” he said.
Her eyes slowly moved back to his. “Yeah. That. What was that about?”
“I had a weak moment. I couldn’t keep my lips off you any longer.”
She caught her breath. “Oh?”
“Yes.”
Adison licked her perfect lips. “I wish you didn’t see it as a weak moment. I wish…I wish you saw it as something normal. I wish you would do it more often.”
His chest warmed. “You’re not worried that, if we were to date for real, I’d screw it all up?”
“You’re worried about that,” she reminded him. “I’m not. At least not any more than I think is a healthy amount.”
“Hm.” He looked down, thinking on it some.
His pulse raced, and he wanted to wrap his arms around Adison and draw her close. Her presence was knocking down a surprising number of walls, but he couldn’t
change that fast. He couldn’t believe he was a mess one day and then suddenly see himself differently the next.
But maybe, slowly and bit by bit, he could come to believe he could be better. No. That he already was better.
“Hey, Ken.”
“Yes?” His breath came out ragged. Their faces were only inches apart, her sky-blue eyes piercing his gaze and heart.
“Are you trying to tell me that you want to date me for real?” One corner of her mouth twitched into a sly grin.
“What if I was?” He tilted his head and looked down at her.
“I might like that.”
“Might?” He moved a little closer. His exhale washed across her cheek. “Or you would?”
“Okay. Fine.” There was that cheeky grin. “I absolutely would.”
“That’s the answer I want to hear,” he said, right before his lips crushed hers.
Chapter 22
Adison
The sound of the heat kicking on woke Adison. From her comfy burrow of blankets and pillows on the couch, she blinked open her eyes.
A log glowed orange in the fireplace, most of it burnt up already. Light streamed in through cracks in the curtains, and there was a chill in the air that the fireplace hadn’t been able to combat.
“Good morning,” she murmured, sitting up.
There was no response, and she looked over her shoulder at the other couch. Instead of Ken, there were only quilts and a pillow.
“Oh,” she said.
Wrapping one of the blankets around her shoulders, she left the den and went on a hunt for Ken. It seemed like half the time she spent in this house was eaten up by searching for him.
Except this time was different. They’d opened up to each other last night, and everything had changed.
She smiled at the memory of his hands in her hair and his lips on hers. She could still feel the heat of his chest and the comfort of his embrace.
“Ken?”
“In here,” he called from the kitchen.
At the sight of him, her heartbeat picked up. She’d seen him dressed nice plenty of times, in tailored suits with his hair slicked back, but the bedhead-with-sweatpants look was definitely her favorite.
“What are you smiling at?” he teased.
“Nothing.” She sidled up to the stove, where he had a pan heating up. “What are you doing?”
“Making a beautiful woman breakfast.” His arms slinked around her, and the feel of them was almost too good to believe.
“Are you now?” She tilted her head back in order to look up at him.
“If she’ll have it.”
Adison giggled. “Yes, definitely. Whatever it is. I’m starving. I didn’t finish my lasagna last night.”
“What, were you distracted or something?” He ran his lips across her ear.
“Don’t act so innocent.” Burying her face in his neck, she allowed herself a minute of escape before pulling away. It was the twenty-third, the day of the party, and she had so much to do that she was dizzy thinking about it.
Ken read her well. “I know. You have to get to party stuff. You should eat first, though.”
“I will.” She nodded vigorously. “Just…I need to call around and make sure everyone is on for tonight, due to the bad weather and outage. The caterers, the valet…”
“Okay. I’ll have breakfast ready for you when you get back.”
“Thanks.”
He kissed her cheek and she left the kitchen walking on cloud nine.
It was hard to remember where she’d put her phone. Her purse was in the front living room, but her cell nowhere to be seen. It wasn’t in the den, either.
“Shoot,” she muttered. Losing something in this house meant you could spend all day looking for it.
She was just about to go back in the kitchen and ask Ken to call her phone when she remembered she had it when she went into the upstairs library.
Pushing the library door open, she spotted the phone on the desk. She’d set it there without even realizing it. She must have been distracted by the hottie behind the desk.
Smirking, she went around the table to grab her phone. Ken had left his laptop up there as well, and in that moment it pinged with a message. In a reflexive move, Adison glanced at the screen. A message bubble floated at the top of it.
Thea: “Can’t wait for tonight.”
Adison froze, her fingers on her phone.
What?
Why was Thea texting Ken that?
Adison closed her eyes, trying to slow her racing thoughts down. It was only an innocent text between friends.
Or was it? She remembered in Jackson Hole, how Thea and Ken had gone off alone almost right away. Adison didn’t know if they’d spent any one-on-one time together after that, but she’d been distracted with plenty of other things. She’d skied, soaked in the hot tub by herself, shopped in town with Trish, and, being an early bird, gone to bed before anyone else.
If Ken and Thea wanted to be alone, Jackson Hole would have been the place to do it.
The strength went out of Adison’s knees, and she managed to take a seat in the chair before she collapsed. Had her initial suspicions been correct? Were Thea and Ken romantically involved?
A sour taste filled her mouth, and she gripped the edges of the table. If she’d known Ken was seeing someone already, she wouldn’t have kissed him the night before.
There was also the possibility he wasn’t currently dating Thea, she realized. They could be on and off. Adison had been in that kind of situation more than once.
And then it hit her.
“Oh my God,” she gasped.
That was it! She’d wondered why Ken took her to Jackson Hole, and now it finally made sense. He’d wanted to make Thea jealous.
Her stomach lurched, and for a second she thought she might be sick. Fumbling for her phone, she brought up a rideshare app. Without a doubt, her car was still snowed in, and she couldn’t and wouldn’t ask Ken to try digging it out again.
She had to get out of that house, had to get away from him. For as long as possible, she would spend the day party planning away from his house.
And what about later? When she’d have to be there to meet the hired staff? What about that evening when Thea showed up?
Tears formed in Adison’s eyes, but she blinked them away. She could cry on the way home, quietly, in the backseat of a stranger’s car. Ken had played her, just like Danny had played her.
She’d been so stupid to not see through his game. One day, she’d forgive herself for it. Right then, though, she needed space. She needed to let her heart bleed for a bit.
And then she would need to dust herself off and throw the best Christmas party Buffalo had ever seen. She was down, but she sure as heck wasn’t out.
Her heart climbing into her throat, she walked downstairs. Ken met her in the front hallway.
“Breakfast is ready.” He smiled broadly, and she was overwhelmed by a jumble of feelings.
Longing. Pain. Regret. Anger. Confusion. They were all there.
“I have to go.” She waved her phone. “A party emergency.”
His face fell. “I thought you said you needed to be here this morning.”
“I will, um, later. Right now I have to go.”
She couldn’t come up with any more detail than that; her mind wasn’t working right.
“Okay. I’ll grab the snow shovel and—”
“It’s okay. I ordered a car. We’ll worry about mine later.”
“Oh. All right.” He blinked as if his eyes were adjusting, and she figured he suspected something was up, but he wasn’t sure enough about it to say anything.
“I’ll see you later.”
“Sure. Call me if I can help with anything.” He reached for her, and she froze. His kiss on her lips was warm, sweet…but it tore her up inside.
She could bring up what she’d discovered, but the time wasn’t right. The conversation would be an emotional one, and she had too much going
on that day to be a wreck. Thea’s message had been enough of a blow already.
So she’d suck it up and get through the day. That night, after the party ended, maybe she’d confront Ken. That is, if he weren’t canoodled up somewhere with his real object of desire.
Adison’s phone beeped, signaling her ride had arrived, and she nearly sighed in relief.
“Bye,” she mumbled.
She felt his eyes on her as she grabbed her things and, without even bothering to put her coat on, dashed outside. Since the driveway hadn’t been plowed, the car waited at the gate’s entrance. Adison pulled her coat on as she trudged through the drifts.
How had she gotten herself into this situation yet again? She’d missed all the red flags with Danny, and apparently she’d done the exact same with Ken.
Except this time around, it hurt worse. She’d known Ken less time than she’d known Danny, but he’d taken up a more special place in her heart. This was one of those heartbreaks that people said lasted for a lifetime.
In the back of the car, she said her good morning to the driver, closed her eyes, and dropped her head against the headrest. Luckily, the driver didn’t seem interested in chatting.
They drove slowly through the snowy streets, passing children making snowmen and families sledding.
Family.
Ken had opened up and shared his family’s tragedy with her. And what for? In order to convince her that he was trustworthy? To better sink his claws into her?
The only thing she knew for sure was that she’d been played, but it ended right here and now.
Chapter 23
Ken
Ken stared at his plate of eggs and bacon, suddenly not hungry. Pushing back his chair with a sigh, he left the table and poured himself a second cup of coffee.
Something was going on with Adison. He was sure of it.
But what?
Everything had been so perfect the night before. At least…things had felt perfect.
Gripping the edge of the counter, he bowed his head and closed his eyes. A rush of pain enveloped him. Guilt, fear, and shame pressed in on him from all sides.